Ask Lemmy

First : sorry you are going through this.

Second : yes most guys won't get the support they need. It sucks.

Third : yes you have shitty people around you

The people who you thought were your friends aren't. Forget about them. Forget they exist. They aren't worth your time.

Figure out what you like to do and join a club or group and move forward. Not just get over it. In that new group look for support there. Look for better friends there.

Without knowing more about you, it's hard to say anything for sure. I can make a bunch of guesses.

One possibility: you didn't cultivate your relationships as well as you thought. A lot of guys sink all of their "intimate relationship energy" into their partner, instead of spreading some out to friends and family members.

Maybe your ex ran a successful long-term hit campaign on you. That would fit with the cheating and the emotional abuse.

Maybe it's due to the period of life that your friends are in. If everyone's in their early 30s, they're probably dealing with climate change, economic stress, children, etc. Doesn't leave a lot of emotional bandwidth for someone you don't already have deep ties with.

Maybe it's a broader cultural thing. Guys tend to get the short end of the stick in general with breakups. We still don't teach boys and men to explicitly emotionally support each other. We still don't, as a society, emotionally support boys and men in general. Single dads get custody far less often, etc etc.

I'm not blaming you or exonerating you. Your situation sucks and knowing all the possible whys and wherefores probably won't help you as much as figuring out what to do next.

Bro. I am gonna be real with you.

I was in an abusive relationship too. She cheated on me at 30 and blamed me. I am not going to sugar coat this.

It will fuck you up for a great long while. This all happened to me in 2020. I've been through intensive outpatient therapy. I've lost 100 lbs.

It still hurts when it comes to me. You are grieving. This ain't depression. 40% of men who experience an unfaithful long term marriage commit suicide. You are heartbroken. You are realizing this ain't you.

It will get better. Little by little. And I still have a long ass ways to go. I'm not even officially divorced yet.

I'm not going to give you advice, because the only thing I understand, is that I finally found me again, and I like that dude a hell of a lot more than I like who I was with my ex.

But it's going to suck the entire time. The entire 5 years has sucked. But I finally see a light. There is a pinprick of light. I'm heading towards it. You can't see it yet. I understand. But it's there.

She's lying to your friends just like she lied to you. I know this from experience. Sucks and it's not your fault man. Sorry to hear.

Yep.

Everyone in my life was done hearing about my divorce LONG before I was ready to stop talking about it. But, I just had to shut up and carry on, or risk driving them away.

I am turning 50 this year and laying in bed next to a woman who just cheated on me again.

I wish so fucking hard I could turn back time.

I parked my car in the garage, rolled down my window and went to sleep. I was shocked/disappointed I woke up when the car was running out of gas.

It sucks so fucking hard that you love this person and you have given so much, but then you realize they don't feel the same about you and then realize you don't even know who you are anymore.

Are you even someone without this person?

Take it day by day. You need to find out who you are again.

I'm sorry you don't have support. No one to validate how you feel, help you heal.

Please stay strong. Please keep looking.

Please find yourself again.

I too had to completely rebuild my friend network after my divorce. It was and still is to some degree an ongoing issue. I also had support from my mother. All of my close friends either ghosted me or literally took the side of my exw. Seeing people I knew for a decade or more walk away or take the side of my ex was humiliating and hurtful.

My ex was an expert on abuse. She was a counselor and therapist herself. Knew all the tricks.

That was 15 years ago. The first year is hard. After that, it gets better because you will focus on yourself, physically and mentally. And you'll be careful about future people, friendly but cautious, maybe wary. Try to remember who you were before marriage. The second year will be better, healthier. You'll still have moments of grief and sadness and loss but you'll be OK. It'll give you time to regain ownership over yourself.

In time, you'll be good, maybe 33M, and thankful you don't have a cheating abusive person in your life to steal more years from you. You got this.

Same here man, it was many years ago. My ex was crazy - I don't mean the kind of crazy like "everybody has a crazy ex crazy," I mean literally crazy. I never knew whether I was coming home to someone weeping uncontrollably with her face buried in the couch - or bleary eyed with rage, screaming - pulling knives on me in the kitchen and threatening to kill me in my sleep. I am not exaggerating.

Five years of this shit getting increasingly worse before I finally said "this ain't living" and pulled the plug. She tried desperately to get me to change my mind, but I was done. Then she turned on me in earnest, lying to everyone I knew and telling them all sorts of crazy shit. They should have known better - these people grew up with me, they knew I was a good guy.

But here's the thing (and it still bugs me to this day) - when you're the one doing the divorcing, you're the one who gets blamed, right or wrong. There's this sort of unspoken rule that the partner that wants to keep the marriage around must be the one that's blameless. Nevermind if they're abusive, manipulative, gaslighting pieces of shit who fuck around on you - they only want to make the marriage work!

But there's a silver lining. People always get the truth eventually. She won't be able to hide her true nature forever, and eventually people will come around. When they do, they will come to you and they will apologize. In the meantime, get your counseling, know it isn't you, be good to yourself, and find someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

I am married to my second wife now for over 15 years. She is, was and always will be: NORMAL. Thank goodness. Sometimes you can wonder if it was maybe somehow partly your fault. A good woman will disabuse you of that notion.

I got love bombed and stripped of my support network over time. After the divorce it took about 5 years to rebuild my friend network. She’s still the same as she ever was. I kept being myself, and I’ve bloomed as a strong member of my community and my life is much better than coming home to play a grey man for a narcissist.

It. Will. Get. Better. Celebrate the freedom from a bad situation. Be who you are, and the best version of that. I spent days crying in the beginning, but I went through it and I’m strong now. Hopefully you find that seed in yourself as well.

Yes, you appear to have shitty people around you, and sadly it is very common for men to deal with this after a divorce. Keep talking to a counselor, dude.

My circle of friends before and after my divorce are almost completely different. Only 1 of my college friends stuck around. And my ex straight up moved across country. So it's not like they were supporting her and not me. I would recommend you do what I did. Pick up a hobby that requires you to interact with other people. I picked up dancing and Dungeons and Dragons. It really helped me build new friendships and restart my life. It really sucks, and it's extra hard building relationships when you are in your current state, but it does help.

I'm three years out of being divorced after 15 years of marriage.

It, yeah, um... yeah, dude. I got the same treatment. People's immediate family and lives all take precedent.

I basically took gasoline and a match to my life predating 2022 and went scorched earth in retaliation. Now I'm mostly family, or fuck off while I keep my head in books and hobbies.

People imo are the ultimate letdown, held up by the idea that humanity means something. It doesn't. Pet a cat.

If the people you thought you were close to have ghosted you and are supporting her instead, consider that she may not be honest about the reasons you are divorced and has convinced them she is the sole victim.

It sounds horrible, and one would hope a true friend would ask for your story first. But it's pretty common to readily believe the women are the victims in unhealthy relationships, especially of men.

We dont want to judge, dismiss or blame victims, so we readily believe people when they claim to be one. This is especially true of women.

I still remember the look of dawning realization on my little brothers face, when he complained to me of the same lack of support from friends, as he endured a nasty divorce, and I pointed out that he had never once contacted me during my own divorce..... People who are in their own marriages, feel threatened and uncomfortable when others are divorcing. People who have never been through a divorce themselves, usually don't know how to respond. Grief is not something most people train for, or know how to deal with until it happens to them personally, so you may find more support and empathy from older friends or relatives. Don't forget to look forwards sometimes, too. There is life after divorce, even though it may take a little while to realize it.

Younger dudes who haven't gone through shit aren't able to empathize with what you are going through. They don't have the emotional maturity to understand how and when someone needs some support. Finally they are still fighting against what they think society expects a man to be. All of which means that men hide their feelings from other men and expect other men to do the same or else they are week or something is wrong with them. Which is complete and utter bullshit. You are not the problem their programing and lack of life experience is.

With all that being said. How are you doing today? Are you able to get out and socialize this weekend? Have you considered picking up a new hobby that you have to do with other people? I recommend scuba diving. Good luck and check back in periodically because we want you to thrive.

Love to see so much support here in asklemmy. This community is really great.

I went through divorce at the age of 27 and is one of the hardest things I've ever experienced. It is a lot like a death. Obviously not of a person but a dream and perhaps an identity. It's the type of thing that can feel like a personal failure and really leave you feeling hopeless and in despair.

In the first months I don't think it's reasonable to expect that the feelings will just go away or even lose their potency, and they can be extremely powerful. Perhaps they just become muted more and more as time passes and you fill your life with other people and activities. Hell, to this day (now I'm 45) I still think about her occasionally and wish it could have been a different outcome, but so much of my life since that time never could have occurred had I stuck with her. In other words I've come to learn that while I'm grateful for the good times we had, I'm also grateful that it ended and I too could move on.

The most important thing you have to do now is find out who you are as a single man - and as a human - by nurturing and taking care of this new found sense of loneliness. Find your new identity. I think you really have to lean into the pain you're feeling and express it deliberately. Let it move and let it get out of you.

It especially helps to fill your time with activities you love that also nurture you. Maybe that's being outdoors, maybe that's gaming, whatever it is you know it better than anybody.

We really need healthy people around to support us during this kind of time and it's a shame that the people you thought would be there aren't. Maybe they can still be your buddies but now you know they're not the type to really have your back when the shit hits the fan. But those kind of people are out there and now it's your mission to go figure out where they are.

I had something similar happen when I was much younger.

When I was in the relationship, the girl manipulated all of our friends into believing I was cheating on her, giving them sob stories, and telling them about evidence she found that did not exist.

They had no reason to doubt her so they all invited her to move out from our place and in with them, I had no idea any of this was going on and when we were all together everything seemed normal.

One guy in that group of friends stood up for me and said she was full of shit but no one listened to that dude...until her lies came crashing down because I found out she was cheating on me. She left the state within a week and that friend group sat me down and told me about everything she had said and done.

My guess is your ex is similar. She's probably been playing your friends for a long time and they have no reason to doubt her.

You need to find a new circle. Pick up a new hobby with a community. Kung Fu for me was great. Exercise aside, the classmates are supportive and the community is great.
Find one that would work for you

Unfortunately, your ex may just be better at playing the victim. And if you're US based, our legal system leans heavily in support of the ex-wife. Especially in the south east.

I know it's a cliche bit of advice at this point but you should seek therapy. I know that isn't the same as support from family and friends but based on how you seem to feel triage is what you need to aim for.

There are support groups for divorced men. I highly recommend selling them out. And if you just need to vent you can DM me. I can't promise to be constant, but I don't mind chatting when I can.

I find most everyone I know had been just keeping afloat even before this year and now are facing more disruptions. Most can't handle knowing someone needs help because they are not in a position to give it. May not apply to your case but its something I see in my life.

My man, i know I am just a random internet person, but please let me (at least virtually) hug you. I mean it.

A divorce is trully a tough process, and you have the right to feel affected by it. You are not "exagerating" things or being unreasonable. So don't think that they are right when the say "simply get over it".

Having said that, I please ask you not to take any strong decision right now, we (all humans) don't think correctly when we are severely affected by emotions. That's simply the human nature. So try by all means to invest in yourself, therapy, gym, read philosophy (Stoicism is a good start), observe life, therapy again, learn something new, maybe move to a different city to mark a new start...

The sun will absolutely shine again, and you will be proud of yourself for your growth and for having gathered strenghts when there were none.

You can do this. This feeling is not permanent. Please remember that.

Again, a huge hug for you, my fellow human. You can pass this chapter.

Yeah that’s a tough one and all too common. As someone with a similar story: it’s not you.

There’s definitely a gender stereotype thing where men aren’t expected to need help, but the other side may be that they don’t know how or when to give help. I know I was certainly clueless until it happened to me. Of course I would do anything to help my buddies if they asked, but it would never occur to me to offer nor even ask. Pretty shitty, I know, but that’s what society expects. I don’t know if your friends were true friends, but is it possible they don’t know what to do?

I’m happy you have a counselor so there’s at least one person there for you. It’ll take time but stick with it. You can do it.

For me I had my kids. I try not to lean on them but definitely still have my life organized around them, so the worst of the divorce may still be ahead of me when they’re in college this fall and it hits me I have no one. It’s also really helped to have my ex’s dog. I warned her she was not in a place to care for a dog but she got one anyway. Works pretty well for me: I’m not home enough to care for a dog, but we effectively have joint custody so I get the dog when I am home. I’ve been somewhat successful starting new hobbies but as an introvert I haven’t been able to turn it into new social connections. Yet.

Hopefully there’s something encouraging in there for you, or at least know that it’s not just you

Anecdotal, but this has been my experience in every big breakup. All of them were abusive, most physically so, and all of them got to keep the shared friend group. People are shit.

Hey man. Late to the party but I feel for you.

Listen, good friends, the lifelong ride or die types- are rarer than fucking diamonds. There are maybe two, maybe three people you meet like that in your whole life. If folks you thought were like that actually aren't, that sucks but it's not an indictment of you or your character. Its just the odds. Lots of people suck and go where the good times are, not where they are needed. And it doesn't mean you can't meet those diamond people later in life.

Suicide is often seen as an escape because people feel trapped in the "now". They can't see the future ahead of them. Well, let me tell you as someone was cheated on, got divorced, had a nervous breakdown, (9 months of meds, doctors and living with my parents) and built his life back brick by brick - new people, new town, new job- you have a future. I'm closer to 40 than 30 these days, and I'm telling you the pain fades. You have a future waiting, if you can get there.

My practical advice is limited. You're going to feel how you feel for as long as you need to. For me, it was more the shame than the heartbreak. I felt like everyone could see my "failure" stamped on my forehead. That was bullshit, but no amount of people telling me so reduced that feeling. But it is just a feeling. Being cheated on is not a character flaw. Being abused doesn't mean you deserved it. You've got to win the internal fight first - realize that feelings aren't always reflective of reality and pull out of the tail spin. How you feel is a distortion, and it can be modulated. You'll get there.

I think the devil is in the details...

I have a couple who were close friends, they separated and initially we tried hard to support him as it seem he would have continued the marriage but she was the one moving away from it. Our thought process at the time was "she has something to look forward to, he seems to feel left behind"

We did not treat her badly or anything but did basically cater to his every need, providing as much support as we could.

Then, once the initial shock was over, he started attacking her in every possible way. And on top of that, he started shunning our every invite under the pretext "he didn't want to accidentally run into her" which was complete BS as we did not regularly hung out with her.

Finally, she was so broke after years of court battles that she opened a go fund me campaign and we donated some money. Well well well, this friend who had all but shunned us suddenly calls me raging that I am helping her and by doing so undermining his righteous effort to take vengeance on her.

All of this to reiterate that the devil is in the details... were these friends actual friends of yours before the divorce? did you concern yourself with their needs back then? have you been an asshole to them before, during or after the divorce? There is a real chance these were not great people to begin with, but I find it hard to believe that all your true friends decided to just ghost you for no reason whatsoever

Bro. We’re men. No one cares about us or our feelings. When you come to grips with that. You can explore more self healing directions to go. No one wants to hear about our problems. Also. Your friends are not friends. Find new people if you can.

Trust me. After my ex cheated on me and left me. I felt like death for years.

BUT! It definitely will get better one morning. Just keep your chin up. Brush off the anxiety and go out and see the world.

Because you're a dude? I'm just guessing but that's kinda been my experience: Tough time? Nobody really gives a shit. Man up, tough it out, etc. All that shit. Glad you're getting counseling though, that's some fucked up shit.

Because real life isn't a movie filled with people standing by to assist the main character in the third act. People are generally shit, and you are the only person who actually cares about you. It sucks to learn this particular lesson in such a brutal way, but it's an important lesson nonetheless. Move on and make this a footnote in your success story.

Signed, another person with your exact same experience.

Those aren't your friends and never were, good people don't treat each other like this.

Your ex sounds like my ex, narcisist who is definitely playing victim behind your back.

You're still young, there's loads more out there now! I've found as I've got older the dating aspect of life is better than in my 20s . I dunno what else to say except for there's loads to live for man.