Transfem

I recently had to realise that seeing the pictures of transition timelines of others is like literally an instant trigger for my Dysphoria. That's why I would really like if could put an NSFW Tag on The pictures, so that I or others dont have to see them if we dont want to. I would really appreciate that. :)

I wish this wasn't my lot in life. I didn't wake up one day and choose this. I identify with being a woman and feel weighed down by being trans and wish that part of me didn't exist. I don't really feel pride anymore.

Thinking back, I'm realizing that I wasted my entire life just trying to survive. I spent my entire childhood depressed and sometimes suicidal because I could never be a woman. When I was 18 and realize being a trans woman was possible, I wasted seven years toiling over whether that was the right choice, whether I'd be happier opening myself up to constant mistreatment if I got to live on my own terms. When I finally realized I couldn't go on anymore and found a therapist and started HRT, I was 25 and male puberty and completely run its course. I lost so much during that process. My transition has gone much better than expected, and I have my moments, but I will never fully pass now.

Conservatives say we make being queer our entire personalities, and I try so hard to resist that. I have other interests, but I'm just so exhausted by life all the time and I can't do them. I want to write a book, learn a language, learn code so I can make an indie game. I've been trying to learn piano for three years now and I'm still not very far. I wish I could have had the time to learn all these things earlier. So much my time has been spent either depressed about society's transphobia or trying to "catch up" on being a woman, learning how to dress and put on makeup years late, coming out and having to revisit my relationships with everyone I know, making new friends to make up for the ones I lost, doing voice lessons, going to protests, laser and surgery, constant appointments, undergoing the lengthy name and ID-change process. I could go on. I've missed out on so much in my life on account of being trans. I read a lot about authors who grew up writing fanfic wishing I was one of those people, instead of just being sad and doing the bare minimum besides keeping my grades up and reading books. These days, I just go to my job, sometimes work overtime, play catch-up, spend time with my partner, and read the news.

And now just three short years of being fully out and on hormones, it's all being taken away and I genuinely don't know where I'll be in four years or whether I'll be alive.

There's probably nothing after this, and this is the only life I get. I can't have my own consciousness if reincarnation is real. If the Christian god is real, then at worst I have being turned into a genderless angel-thing and being stripped of my womanhood in heaven, or hell at best. I'm not saying being born a cis woman would solve all my problems. I've dealt with sexism too and know how harmful it is. But I don't think I will ever get to live a normal life, and now at almost 30, I don't think trans people will ever achieve social acceptance in my lifetime. Things keep going worse, and our most influential trans person in office says we need to slow down trans acceptance.

I think a lot about the concept of people just living, wanting to do things but who end up just working and being tired, and then dying before they get to accomplish any of the things they wanted to achieve in life. At this point, I've whittled down all my life goals to just two things: get married to my fiance and make some piece of art that someone says they liked, even though I'm so far behind and it wouldn't be very good.

I just realized today, while looking at old pictures, how much I have changed already. Still a long way to go, and yet very proud !

Hi y’all! Do you have any advice on how to start building a wardrobe of femme clothing?

I’m starting to feel braver and want to start wearing girl clothes out in public more. The problem is 1) I have next to no girl clothes, just the few affirming things I wear around the house, and 2) I am overwhelmed by the amount of options I have and don’t know where to start.

Historically, I’ve dressed more workwear (flannel, denim, leather) in the winter, and more normcore (solid color tees and chino shorts) in the summer.

I’m not sure how to translate those into feminine clothes, if I even want to. I really more so want to take the opportunity to find a more expressive style (I always disliked how few options men are given when it comes to fashion), but I still feel like I need a few kind of “core” outfits that I can easily mix and match, like a capsule wardrobe.

I also expect there to be an awkward phase as my body changes and I start to figure out my style, but I’d prefer to not make any glaring faux pas either.

Any advice is greatly appreciated 😊

For context, see my initial post here.

I've made a plan with my therapist, and I'll be admitting myself. I've also been advised that given some recent behaviors and events, it's in my best interest to be evaluated for bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder (yay ;-;). Whatever happens, I'm mentally prepared to step through the doors and allow myself to seek treatment. Maybe all I need is a change in medication, or a place where I feel safe enough to process my emotions and work through them. Regardless, I understand what to expect, and I'm confident that it's what I need right now. I can't get by just letting things happen as they are currently, because I'm only continuing to get worse without proper treatment. I'll likely make a new post when I'm discharged about my experience. See y'all on the other side.

Not fluid, non-binary, or agender. More like a superposition.

Binary, but also neither, and both.

I was AMAB, and presenting as female feels more natural to me, but I feel like a male and female in one body.

If any trans women here have been admitted to a psychiatric ward, I'm looking for advice/experiences. My main concerns are the following:

• Losing access to DIY HRT
• Inability to shave, or is I can shave, having to be watched while doing it
• Being strip searched
• Transphobia from other patients and staff
• Food

Context - I live in a blue part of Washington State, fairly progressive, and I'm working with my therapist to get a personal recommendation for a facility (she mostly treats LGBTQ+ patients, so I'll be asking specifically about that).

I currently take Estradiol Cypionate by injection, once per week as monotherapy. I've used a tool to estimate my E levels, and I've determined I could likely go 14 days before things get bad (below 100pg/mL), but obviously that would not be an ideal experience for me hormonally. I just tested my levels last week and my E came back significantly higher than I expected (could maybe go longer than 14 days), and my T levels were incredibly low (16ng/dL). So much so that I was planning to reduce my dosage this week, though I think I'll wait to reduce until after my stay in case it lasts longer than I expect. I am almost 100% not going to be able to get them to administer my DIY hormones to me, but if anyone else has had this experience, please comment. I think I've rationalized it enough that I wouldn't be devastated if I were denied access (or more accurately, when I am), assuming my stay isn't longer than 2 weeks. I'm worried that they'll see them and throw them away instead of just locking then up, which would be a big problem because shipping would take about 2 weeks and I don't even have the money for it right now.

However, I am quite concerned about shaving. Since I'll be a voluntary admission, I've heard there's sometimes leniency for supervised face shaving, but I'm also worried about being able to shave my body. Granted, I'll be wearing clothes that cover up all my skin, but the feeling of being unshaven is incredibly dysphoric for me. I could live with it, except for genital hair. I unfortunately have extremely sensitive skin, and I'm pre-op, so if I don't shave for a few days, I will get intense chaffing and irritation, which is the most dysphoric thing I have ever felt in my life. I would be in genuinely severe mental distress having to live like that. But even if I were granted some exception to let me shave there...I'd have to be supervised. And I'm having a really hard time trying to mentally prepare myself for someone watching me shave naked. Especially because I don't know if I'll be allowed to ask that it be a woman that supervises. I've been told it varies wildly from place to place for strip searches, and I assume it would be the same case here.

And then...there's being strip searched. Again, no idea if I can decide if a man or a woman watches me strip and reveal every square inch of myself, which is horrifying. I would feel mildly less mortified if my genitals matched my gender identity, but...I'm not there yet.

The fear of experiencing persistent transphobia while I'm there is also incredibly present for me, especially given that I'm nowhere close to passing. This will be my first time publicly presenting femininely but I think it's what's best for my mental health because it's exhausting having to hide myself in person when I have been open online for almost a year now, and on HRT for 5 months as of today. The only thing holding me back has been living with transphobic parents with a long history of abuse. There are two angles to the transphobia fear. The first is that there may be other patients admitted who are transphobic, and in severely deteriorated mental states, and the second is that staff could be transphobic, and they hold an immense power over me as a patient. Both are terrifying to me, and I don't know how I would deal with it.

And perhaps something more inconsequential is food. I have a milk allergy, so I'd need that to be accommodated, and I'm also autistic so I have a lot of food triggers. I'm worried about not being able to eat enough, to be honest.

None of these things are going to prevent me from admitting myself, I know I need help right now, and I need serious intervention to be able to recover and to keep myself safe...from myself. I'm not going to get into the details because that isn't what this post is about, I've just been having some anxieties about what it's going to be like, and the chances of me leaving the hospital severely traumatized.

If any of you have been through it, what has it been like for you? Any advice?

It seems like, that the longer I am aware of me being trans I keep unlocking new forms of Dysphoria. I never really had any problems with my deadname, but now it does hurt a little bit when hearing it from other people, because im not officially out to them. Today I also realised that apparently I know hate seeing hairs on my arms, which was never a problem before. Hearing my voice also gets progressively worse. What the fuck is this? Why cant I not feel shittier as time goes on. I am on my way to transition, my body could decide to not make my life shit in the process.

I picked up a crowdfunding flyer for the movie at pride last weekend, so I had to check out the manga as well. It's four poignant short stories featuring trans girls at various stages of their transitions. The author is of course trans and the characters are spot on. The physical presentation of the book is very nice too, on thick paper with a pink, white and blue glitter on the cover.

Apparently the stories have been around on the net for a little while, so maybe there is an English translation out there somewhere?

Anyway, ¥1815 well spent. I recommend it if you read Japanese and can get hold of a copy.

I have been trying every evening for the last few days to get a good tuck for an hour or two, but no matter what I do, my balls pop out of place in short order. I tried doubling up on panties and that was decent, but things still wouldn't sit still, and now I have a gaff I've been practicing with. With panties, it feels like they're just not putting enough pressure to keep my sack in place and keep my balls up, and with the gaff, but also to a lesser degree my panties, the crotch is so narrow, my sack will inevitably hang out one or both sides enough that a ball can pop out and hang out in there instead. I haven't tried tape yet because I have done 0 hair removal because I'd rather get that area done professionally at least for the first time, and shaving has always resulted in a red, irritated mess, down below, or on my face. I don't know if I just have a particularly large and fleshy sack that refuses to be contained or what, but if you have any tricks you use, I'll try anything right now.

Hi! I'm not yet transitioning because transphobia and I'm scared, but I'm doing small steps and growing my hair and I got small bangs, by recommendation from trans women on social media, and this is first time I was able to look at myself and see androgynous /fem person and it makes me happy, unfortunately others don't see me such but I'm at the beginning of my self discovery. Honestly I feel happy, hope you are having great day 🩷🩷 Honestly, what do y'all think about me, am I ugly? Will I look beautiful after transition?

I'm an average AMAB person: 32yrs old, 180lbs, 5'9" and I carry a lot of my weight in my belly. It gives me a lot of dysphoria and I stress over my belly fat a lot. I definitely don't have a super healthy relationship with my weight.

Last year, I didn't drink for the majority of the year. I took about 10 months off from alcohol, but I didn't lose any weight. I was also going to the gym ~3 times a week. I believe in CICO and so I believe I must have been eating more as well. But my body fat distribution didn't change at all. I moved away from my gym and so I couldn't keep going and then I lost motivation.

For context, when I was younger I weight-lifted a lot. I wasn't the biggest person in the gym, but my PR for bench was 305lb, deadlift 455lbs, and squat 365lb and I weighed 198lbs. I learned a lot of positive and negative associations with weight and diet. Weight lifting was all about eating as much protein as possible. Now I want to lose weight, but I've built this body to be big. I wish I never went to the gym. I used to hover around 155lbs and my body's "set point" never fluctuated until I started focusing heavily on working out and eating as much as I could handle. Now I can't seem to lose the weight. And it's basically just fat. Not much functional muscle left.

Fast forward to today and I'm starting HRT soon. But I'm super worried that my body fat distribution isn't going to change since I've read that fat cells can have "memory". I'm basically excited to start my journey in every way except I feel so dysphoric about my body shape. I hate this "beer belly".

What should I do about this? Can anyone help me with this? I fear the simple answer is that I just need to focus more heavily on diet and exercise, but I'm so demotivated by my experience last year. With no gym nearby (< 35 minutes away) and - frankly - a superb desire to eat, I can't believe in my ability to achieve my goals.

I just wish I could start over and be skinny - then gain weight on my HRT to hopefully gain hips and boobs. What's the advice you'd give me? Sorry if this post is toxic. I realize I don't have a healthy mindset about this. I'm trying to accept myself, but I also want to be able to wear woman's clothing and feel like a woman.

Here are some basic facts:

• method was penile inversion
• I opted for full-depth rather than a vulvoplasty
• surgery took 3 hours, though recovery took another hour
• I went under general anaesthesia and had to be intubated and put on a ventilator
• I'm currently admitted in the hospital and bed bound, discharge is scheduled for Friday
• so far pain is between 1 and 3 for me, most of the time it's between a 0 and 1.

Ask me anything!

We created a new community for all Trans and Queer people to ask and answer more personal and intimate questions! Hope this helps!

!tquad@lemmy.blahaj.zone

Is there a community here that's more appropriate for trans/queer folks to ask and answer more personal and intimate questions? If not would y'all like one created?

Hey yall, names Evelyn!

Ive been having a rough time lately; i WAS a federal civil servant in my dream job, that I thought id have for the next 20 years. Then I got DOGE'd. As a result, I have to sell my new house, and move back with my mom. 5000 miles away.

Anywho, Ive been struggling through the bottom surgery process, getting letters and whatnot. I've turned in the necessary docs and should get my date within the next week. That being said, I've found what could be called a... lump, on my testicle.

I have been urged by reddit to consult with a doctor and have it inspected, but quite frankly, if a cancer diagnosis delayed my bottom surgery, I would kill myself. Flat out, period.

My life in general is shit. I have intense self loathing. I've lost everything because of the trump administration. Im ugly. Hideous and masculine. This, right now, is the only thing I have going for me.

Sorry for the vent. I guess I have to put this out there before I schedule my physical. I just feel like I've got no one to talk to, including my therapist.

Cheers.

Quick update:

Ended up getting checked out. Doc said its probably nothing but scheduled an ultrasound just to make sure. Thank yall for your concern!!

it like - hurts. like it usually jus hurts wheb crying. bt kinda constantly..,..

it hurts n feels awful n makes me look down a lot so peeps dun see it,...,...,,,...

i cnt.,.,, i cnt do dis,,.

UPDATEUPDATE :o

by sad i dun mean im sad (im jus down is all) bt i mean im sad cuz of evil throat!!,.,.,. yis, the throat is the evil! n im sads becuz if it bein so evil n hurtin su bad.

I know that it's an awful and homophobic slur but it made me feel weirdly validated to be called a slur that's usually only used on women (lesbians). I don't know, it's weird. Part of me is upset that they called me a homophobic slur but a part of me is also euphoric for being referred to, even indirectly as a woman. Does anyone else relate to this experience?

(By the way I'm a transfem lesbian.)

As the title says, what are your usual ways to deal with acute phases of dysphoria. For me its currently either going to sleep, weed, or trying to do something different so I dont feel like a complete piece of shit and just feel shit a little bit instead.

I had my epiphany moment about 2 weeks ago, and that lead me to explore any resources I could find to help me determine if I was actually trans or just conforming with my friend group, which has an abundance of trans girls. I've considered the question of my gender dozens of times over the years, and always came to the conclusion that I was a man, and I was happy with that, but in retrospect, I was probably just telling myself that because I wasn't "allowed" to be trans because it would take attention and support from my trans friends. The experiences I read here, and especially the link to the gender dysphoria bible let me finally identify what I had been feeling was wrong my whole 31 years of life without knowing what was wrong, like the guy from spongebob who's just standing there on fire. Since then I figured out I am a woman, and because of that I was able to come out to that friend group, I'm sharing clothes with my wife, using a new name and she/her pronouns, I shaved my denial beard, and I've been able to cry. So. Much. Crying. As a man, in almost 10 years since my wife and I started dating, she saw me cry 3, maybe 4 times, but I have been a goddamn wreck since I started questioning because of all the gender euphoria and worry for my wife, who I am forcing to question her sexuality. She previously identified as bi, but felt more and more straight because she only felt attraction to me, but she has started fantasizing about how I'll physically be in the future and is getting more turned on than usual, so the scared tears are over for now and we are still very much in love. It has been an intense, insane, exciting, terrifying, and validating 2 weeks, and without the information from all of you, I would still be in limbo and more confused than ever, so thank you all so much for existing in this community and sharing what info and experiences you can! 💕

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/30659090

Hi everyone,

I hope it’s okay to post here again. I’ve been reaching out because the situation my trans sisters and I are facing is becoming more desperate by the day. I’m very mindful not to come across as pushy or as if I’m harassing this community I just don’t know where else to turn.

We are still stranded in Gorom, South Sudan, after being chased out of the refugee camp by the government. We have no shelter and are struggling to survive there is no food, no medical care, and no safety. We are sleeping outside, exposed to violence, fear, and the elements. Being visibly trans in this environment puts us in constant danger.

We are asking for any kind of help whether it’s direct support, sharing our situation, or advice on organizations that might assist us. We are simply trying to stay alive and protect one another.

I’m grateful for the kindness and strength in this community. Even just being seen and heard here gives me a little more hope.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

I'm curious about people's experience on silicone breast forms. I've been using them for a long time now, and they work well for me, but I find that they are all a tad bit too firm for my liking, they lack a bit of that natural jiggle. What has your experience been, and can you recommend any brands that might have a bit more of a natural feel to them?

Hey y'all, this is a bit of a personal rant and maybe a space for other people to share their experiences in the comments. I'm just looking for some advice on how to make the wait for bottom surgery more bearable.

Mine is probably about 6-8 months away, though I don't have an exact surgery date yet. There are some days where it's really fine and I don't even notice my parts down there but then there are others where it's unbearable to even get out of bed. Sometimes I just want to cut the damn thing off myself, I feel like I can't bear to lug it around for even one more day.

I know that I'm a woman (ish) no matter my genitals but it just pisses me off so much that I'll forever be an experiment for people (especially men) when I try dating as long as I don't have a vulva. That I can't go to women's changing rooms without having a complete breakdown (I did it once and have avoided them since in the last 1.5 years). That I can't go swimming in the same clothes all my friends can. That I can't enjoy buying nice underwear because it always looks so horribly wrong. That I feel it every second of every day, that I always have to cover it up when I wear tight bottoms, that I always have to worry and think about it. I hate it, I really do. Every time I touch it, it feels more like a tumor or some kind of demon that has manifested in my body. My bottom dysphoria has become worse and worse the better everything else gets. You win some, you lose some, I guess. All in all, life has gotten significantly better in the last two years for me. I feel like I still have the same amount of dysphoria as I did before starting HRT, only now it's concentrated more on this part of my body.

Okay, rant over, haha. Hope to hear some of your experiences and what helped you through the wait.