I’ve sat with these thoughts for a long time and have wanted to write them down for a while, so I did. I want to share it here in case people can provide new insights for me or in general help me make sense of it. (each section is about 350 words long)
===MASCULINITY AND ME: IT'S COMPLICATED===
The only things I don’t like about my testosterone levels are acne, body hair and early signs of male-pattern baldness. I like many “typical autistic boy things” like space, science or video games. But I don’t care about being perceived as “manly”, I never worried about not being “manly” enough, I still sleep with plushies in bed, my aesthetic leans younger, I am very emotionally vulnerable (sidenote: due to autism causing lopsided brain development, my intellectual development is higher than average but emotionally I feel like I’m only now undergoing puberty (I’m 21)) and have been at times nervous about interacting with guys at my age, because of personality differences and my unease with the most common forms of masculinity that often are toxic.
I have tried multiple ways to explain what I am, to others and to myself:
- “Call me a boy or a guy, but “man” is too loaded with bad connotations for me.”
- “I’m male with asterisks.” or: “I’m male with agender characteristics.”
- “In 5 years there’s a 50% chance I’m still male, perhaps demi-male, 50% chance something else like agender, genderfluid or trans.”
- “I don’t care whether a personality trait is masculine or feminine, I pick ones that make me happy or a better person. Nonetheless I do lean into the masculine side.” (feeling unease over describing myself as masculine)
But I either feel unsatisfied by these short answers because they leave things out, or I start wondering about identifying about something else, yet every time I come to the conclusion that I’m fine with my current identity. Transitioning and going by she/her or they/them feels like too much for me, so I feel stuck in a kind of gender limbo where I’m not a “man” in the mainstream sense, but also not feminine/non-binary enough to be something else. I also don’t really know what masculinity even means anymore: is “courage” or “strength” really a man-only thing?
===FITNESS: EXCITING AND UNCERTAIN===
For all my life I’ve been slim and pretty meek and have admired those that have more strength, not just physically but also mentally. I also need that strength to fight or flee my way out of trouble, shall the need arise. So about 4 months ago I started regularly going to a local gym, usually twice per week. So far I’ve mainly done strength training of various kinds, but I plan to incorporate cardio for endurance and up it to 3 times per week once I get my nutritional intake higher. I want a moderate amount of muscle mass while still retaining a slim profile: I’m 1.86m and want to go from 62-64kg to 70kg. I like the idea of being more muscular but also want to avoid an overly masculine appearance. I don’t just want to focus on brute strength, I want it to be functional and flexible and focus on general health too. It has already made me feel better about myself and I love the energy and self-confidence it gives me on the days I go.
But I’m scared of researching things online, in part because I want to avoid influencer grifters but also because of how male fitness culture has become so toxic. A lot of info is also directed at getting as big as possible and I feel a kind of guilt that stuff like yoga is considered “feminine”. On the other end, I find it disappointing that things like physical strength and the ability to defend themselves are locked away behind “masculinity”.
(Sidenote: I’m aroace but do feel visual and sensual attraction, the latter more specifically meaning things like hugging and caressing. Relationship-wise I just want to have friends and a community. I would say that I’m bi but with a preference for women. I can like many body types, but the most appealing traits for me are clean-shaven, physically fit in some way and an upbeat, friendly or playful personality.)
===MEGA MAN STAR FORCE, BACKGROUND===
This little forgotten series in the Mega Man franchise means a lot to me, and its main character Geo Stelar has unironically become something of a role model for me. The series consists of three games, but for my intents and purposes I’ll focus on the first, most story-driven game.
Geo starts the game as a depressed 10-year-old whose loss of his father has made him afraid of emotional pain and loss. This pain and anxiety makes him afraid of any social interactions or getting involved in things. But beneath the fear he’s smart, empathic and carrying that “strong sense of justice” that most Mega Man protagonists do. Over the course of his adventures Geo starts showing courage as an involuntary-later-accepting hero, but also as a human by opening up and willing to make friends (bosses are villains possessing likewise lonely, emotionally vulnerable people that Geo has met and has to talk out of the possession after fighting, and the game has a very strong “Power of Friendship” message), but it’s not a smooth journey and he falls back to square one on multiple occasions. Over the course of the series he becomes happier, braver and he comes to full bloom as a person.
I started playing the first game at the lowest point in my life, halfway in my first year at university. Progress with my study ground to a halt as procrastination and motivation got worse and worse. I felt time was slipping away from me as I didn’t do the things in life I want to do and felt shackled by mental obstacles, especially fear. I was lonely and poorly understood by my parents too. This game, it felt, understood me better than anyone: Geo had the same struggles as me (though I didn’t lose a parent), his personality felt close to mine and the kind of person he became was exactly what I wanted for myself. The game’s space and tech aesthetics triggered my special interests, and the music has made me cry on many occasions because of how much it synchronized with me.
===MEGA MAN STAR FORCE AND MASCULINITY===
A part of me finds it funny that my male role model is a 10-year-old boy from a video game, but I feel like it’s no coincidence.
Geo’s at the cusp of puberty, just before patriarchy really starts ramping up the pressure to conform. While Geo can certainly be tough and become a literal “Mega Man” when necessary, in day-to-day life he eventually turns out to be cute, kind, playful, calm but also funny or cool at times. He’s also emotionally vulnerable in a very personal way for me, his character growth is inspiring for that reason. And any romantic plotlines that often turn me off as an aroace person don’t go further than puppy love, which I can interpret in a platonic way for myself.
With the series aimed at a younger audience, the world is bright and everyone wears colorful or at least expressive clothes. The “Power of Friendship” message is cliché and gets delivered quite ham-fistedly, but it was something I needed to hear and appreciate as someone who frequently doesn’t have the capacity to keep on fighting, a common thing to do in shōnen media that keeps triggering my insecurities. Star Force applies it too sometimes, but with my strong connection to Geo and the game’s message it felt more meaningful.
This post is meant in part just to create clarity in my head by writing things down on (digital) paper. But I also am curious if there are people that have similar feelings to mine. For those that just want to talk about my messy relationship with masculinity, reading the first section is sufficient, while the rest adds context for what I am like or is seed for discussion. I finally want to pre-emptively say that I’ve read the book club threads for “The Will To Change” and want to read the book for myself as well, before anyone raises it to me in response. Sorry if it's a bit unusual, but thank you if you're willing to read my silly ramblings.
Admittedly, I have little experience to go off of, so I may be comparing it more to typical commuter rail than I should. My only real experience is travelling from my hometown in the Netherlands to Hamburg for a school field trip. I had the typical Deutsche Bahn experience of train delays (usually less than 30 minutes at least) and on the way there one train just wasn't running, so I had to take a detour and technically board the InterCity Express at the wrong station.
I also almost got stranded in the countryside at night because the last train of the day was bit by bit delayed by over an hour and I was panicking that it would be cancelled.