roux

I already bitched about this in the vegan theory club cooking discord bub I'm still bent the fuck out of shape over it.

Ok, so my kid's birthday party was yesterday and the last 2 times I wasn't able to eat the cake because it was made with extra helping of animals. I just sat their on my phone and took a few pictures or whatever. I helped with set up and tear down.

We are also going broke because I'm too fucking stupid to hold down a job and after over a year and a half of trying to find a job, we are at the point where I am considering getting rid of the rest of our streaming services and pull our youngest out of daycare. We are barely surviving on a teacher's salary right now.

In the past, my partner has gone all out on our kids' parties but I was working so it was fine. This time, I wanted to try to save money where we could. In the past, my partner would get a cake from a local bakery that costs like $80 and only 1/4 would get eaten and I'd throw the rest away 2 months later because it got forgotten in the back of our garage fridge.

So this year I wanted to kill 2 vegan birds with one stone and make my kid's birthday cake. I could make it for way cheaper and also sub in vegan ingredients.

I buy all the ingredients and plan on making it Saturday. My mother-in-law decides to offer to make a cake for my kid after finding out we aren't spending $80 on a cake. I already bought the ingredients so I politely say no thanks. Because I am saving money, not wasting it. And because I wanted to enjoy cake at my kid's birthday party.

I got up early yesterday, put my earbuds in and threw on some baking metal. To be fair it was a box cake mix and the frosting was also pre-made. I was gonna do this as a test run before autistic hyper-focus takes over and I proceed to deep dive into making the perfect vegan cake. So I mix it up and bake it and do the toothpick test and it comes out clean. I wait for it to cool and frost it and it's good. Life is good. We good.

Well, It was on the softer side of done. My mother-in-law goes to cut the cake and it crumbles. She then proceeds, in front of like 15 people, to tell me that my cake sucks and I should have just let her make it because it wouldn't suck. In front of me, my partner, our kids, our friends, etc. So that's great.

I spiral, because I do that. and I'm still processing it. She seemed like she wanted to go out of her way to make a deal about it because she knows I'm vegan and likes to call it weird or whatever when she can.

I know this is all over a stupid cake but she really could have just laughed it off when it was falling apart instead of slopping it on to everyone's plate like she was a lunchlady in the 6th circle of hell or something.

That's it. That's my rant. I'm mostly just hoping that I could get it off my chest and move on.

I am always looking for recipes so if anyone has a good cake recipe that can adapt to flavors like vanilla or chocolate and such, I'm definitely interested. A tiny caveat is that the cake mix and frosting used palm oil and I'm really trying to avoid that because of how palm farming wrecked the environment.

Last week I saw an odd thing on Indeed where I was apparently "already qualified for an interview" for a job posting at a local hospital that I've been trying to get in to for years for IT. I didn't have to apply but just set up an interview time. Well turns out it's actually a "hiring event" which I was informed after a recruiter called and was like "Are you sure you wanted to apply for this? You aren't even A+ certified anymore." You know because you forget how computers work if you let your cert expire even though you've been working with computers for the last 20+ goddamn years and at an IT level for the last 6 but sure.

She asked me if I was willing to re-cert and I said yes but whatever. My Google IT cert which is the same thing isn't worth shit I guess so that's a scam. Thanks Googs...

In any case, if you had half a day to crash study for a stupid fucking IT interview that was the equivalent of a 10 min speed date, what would you brush up on?

I ask because like you literally just google what you don't know. Everyone in the industry knows this, but you can't fucking say that at an interview. Just like when they say "can you tell me about you employment gaps?" you can't say "well you see I was fired from jobs because I am autistic." I already and prepped to lie and say I've been doing freelance IT and web dev in my spare time and that also covers those gaps.

Edit: done with interview. They closed the position on Monday because a guy that quit asked for his job back. I'm going to go kill myself now.

I'm on a mailing list for Claudia and got this today. Kind of funny since last week the Democrats tried kicking de la Cruz off of the Georgia ballot.

No seriously, I have an interview in about 3 hours. I lied on the screener and said I LOVE working with and helping people. It's a partial lie I guess because I like helping people but not in the "corpo" way since that isn't really helping people and it's all fake as fuck...

I am already daydreaming about having the job, where I have to mask hardcore and pretend I love talking to large groups of people but only after I hit a rockstar rail of coke off the toilet seat in the restroom beforehand. I've never done cocaine before... which nostril should I go with?

I sort of maybe would be ok if I got the job but like I really wanna get this freelance web dev thing off the ground instead.

I guess it wouldn't be horrible since it's a remote gig all done via Zoom meetings but like Idk... Every time I get going on programming a fucking job comes my way and screws it all up.

Sidenote but if anyone knows someone that wants a small business-esque static website that almost doesn't suck, hit me up. I need money to pay for things like food and weed.

Idk why I made this post really. How's everyone's week going?

E: so I got a "job offer" but did some googling and it's basically a cut-through insurance job sales position, I'd be working evenings so won't see my family. Probably won't take it. Sick of this tbh.

*Forgive any formatting as I'm on mobile.

As I read in themes, I'm currently focusing on philosophy to try and understand it, see where I fit in the world and also reconstruct my own atheist/nihilistic worldview.

I just got done with Existentialist Cafe and got a really nice overview of all the main players in the Existentialist camp but want to finally take the leap into nihilism and absurdism proper. I've read The Stranger and Myth of Sisyphus and like Camus a lot so far but also wanna tackle Satre, Beauvoir, and Merleau-Ponty eventually but wonder if I need to read Husserl and specifically Heidegger and Nietzche since they are controversial because of their politics. Would I be able to get away with just reading synopses of their work? I do currently have Being and Time in my list of books to get.

Also, aside from Nietzche, who else should I read regarding nihilism? I'm currently working through The Trouble with Being Born by Cioran and wanna find some more by him but also have The Antidote by Burkeman and Conspiracy Against the Human Race by Ligotti in my backlog. I did read The Book by Alan Watts the other day and though it felt like reading my stoned friend's wild ramblings on society and how we exist in it, some coherent stuff did come through. But I don't know if it was what I was after. I did appreciate it for introducing me to some concepts like ego and self but maybe I should have saved it for another day?

Sidenote but I'm planning on moving back and force between philosophy and socialist theory so socialist philosphers are also welcome. Generally I'm open to all suggestions.

Thanks in advance!

Honestly, I'm fucking tired. There is a God damn sticky in every r/LSC post that says it is a commie subreddit, by commies, for commies, and these motherfucking dweebs are upset about it being full of commies? I could write whole essay about this fucking post. Jesus fucking Christ.

If it wasn't evil it would be called heptbear.

I also plan on going over this in my next therapy session along with me possibly having pathological demand avoidance and executive dysfunction, but wanted some spicy(and real) takes from other terminally online ND commies that are forced to go outside occasionally.

So, I'm atheist/nihilist/it's complicated but I go to church with my Christian wife and my kids on Sundays and sometimes Wednesday evenings. It's fine, whatever. I've actually made a few friends there and some of them are aware that I am bleak-brained about religion.

Some of them who know me more personally even will ask if they can hug me or whatever. It's fine if I know it's coming and it's with someone I know and can prepare for.

But like 99.9% of the rest of those people and the rest of humanity can fuck the fuck right off. Why do randos feel obligated to touch other people?

In that church, we are part of a "small group" and the last one we joined, a dude there who I never met, just came up and hugged me. Did that the next few times too before I was able to shut the hug down a handshake compromise. I didn't wanna be mean about it and figured a handshake was bearable. I'm used to them from the stupid fucking formalities that come with job interviews. Sure, fuck it.

But then the old fart that holds the door open like Jesus would have wanted... whey does he feel obligated to give me a back pat? Don't fucking touch me maybe?

This last Sunday they had new Elders selected(I don't get it either. Spend 2 months asking how they can select more inclusive Elders and still pick 4 old white dudes) but I was walking passed one and he felt the holy spirit in him to gently pinch the bottom part of my bicep in some weird fucking "coochie coochie coo" display. Like what possessed him to do that? Never talked to him outside the casual stupid fucking small talk. Dear dude with the bizzaro tickle fetish, could you fucking not?

I spent all my life suffering from anticipatory anxiety of people touching me in all these dumb fucking rituals of hand shakes and shoulder clasping and I would dearly like them to fucking stop.

So, how do I actually do it? I am extremely blunt and have a short temper and feel like if I don't get this sorted I'm gonna blow the fuck up at the next person who touches me without my permission.

Tips, tricks, bear strength pepper spray?

And why the fuck do I need to manage my ebooks on 3 separate devices, and using 2 different apps on my computer?

Fuck Kindle. I should have at least went with Kobo.

Fuck this unhinged consumerism bullshit in general. I just wanna steal my books and read them at my leisure, but have to find shit ass work arounds for DRM for fucking words. DRM FOR WORDS!!!

Burn this whole fucking piece of shit to the ground. Death to Amerikkka.

Background: I suspected I was Autistic for quite a while. I've always felt a connection to Autistics online and NDers at large but never considered I was ASD until I started reading askreddit threads about people on the spectrum and had more than a few "wait, that's me" moments. I read more, obsessed over articles and online tests, and finally got my soft diagnosis from my therapist a few months ago.

My diagnosis is actually ASD, severe depression(which I already knew), social anxiety(samesies), and posible ADHD.

My wife also got diagnosed with ADHD, OCD, and anxiety, and a bit of PTSD.

Our oldest is also very much ADHD

So suffice to say, our household is a giant mess of neurodivergence and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I spent a few months in a sort of buffer mode after my diagnosis and decided to read Unmasking Autism ahead of the planned reading group. The book sort of changed my life. In reading it, I felt at times Devon Price, the author was speaking directly at me. At other times, he was talking about my ND friends and family. I got a 10,000 foot view of what Autism and neurodivergence was and I got an intimate view of who I think I actually am.

The book visits something called Divergent Design. It's the concept that rather than trying to live in a Neurotypical box, design your living space around you. Figure out what works for you and own that.

I hate clutter and visual noise. My wife is a clutter bug who loses her keys after setting them down 2 seconds ago. I used to get mad about it but I completely understand now. I'm gonna try and spend 2024, redoing our house set up with Divergent Design in mind.

A few ideas I have for myself is to redo my "Me Space." With 2 kids and the complete anarchy that is our lives, it's hard to have a spot for me. But my computer desk is that spot. I'm fairly territorial about it too. But looking at it, I have come to accept that it's in a states of organized chaos. I bought some bins and a stack of drawers on wheels to hopefully help me get my clutter out of sites but in an equally organized way.

So for example, I wanna put most of my fidget toys in a drawer along with this stack of gift cards I have accumulated. I will know where they are but I won't see them. I will keep my main fidgets at hand for when I find myself wanting to stim. I will be able to swap out fidgets as desire dictates as well.

This will also work with my 7(yes seven) mechanical keyboards I own. Same for my 4 handheld emulators. I figured even though I like collecting these things it doesn't mean they need to be in my face the entire time, distracting me from being productive.

I have 3 sets of flashlights and knives that I carry when I leave the house, but I don't need all of them in a pile under my monitor I can pick a set for a week or 2 and hide the others away where I will know where they are at. I can leave my 2 Rubik's cubes that I am currently maining within reach and put the other 7 away.

This helps tackle me but I am working with my wife on what will work for her.

Right now there is a pile of clutter on my "fermentation station", a currently quasi-defunct hobby, there is a pile of clutter on our dining table(that is actually in our living room which is based btw), There is clutter on the shoe rack part of our combo coat rack that we bought to keep organized(rofl), and she has 3 half-started project in our mail sorter/key peg combo that was supposed to be for mail and keys. I have a few ideas but I don't really know what will work and won't work. One idea is to get a drainable tray to put in our shower on the floor as a "target" for her to put her shampoo bottles back and maybe a waterproof reminder note to remind her to re-adjust the showerhead before she gets out since she is a shower sitter and I am a stander.

I am still working on a few other things to run by her but am putting my foot down on buying one more dry erase board that either won't get hung or will never be used. I want systems that will finally work for her. Maybe have a few "target spots" that she can put her keys, for example. Functional women's jean pockets would be great but, alas, we like in a fascist patriarchy...

I also want to start exploring "radical visibility" from that book as well but not sure where to start yet. I'm a 40 year old man with a beard and I started painting my fingernails again occasionally so that's a start. I am basically always stimming but also usually have a fidget toy in my pocket whenever I leave the house, not sure if that is socially acceptable since a lot of my toys are unique and not a fidget cube or spinner. I like loud clacky tactile stuff so I have 5 sliders and a few haptic coins and such and love them.

Share ideas if you feel obliged but I wanted to post this more as a positive post instead of the negative ones I normally do on social media.

But yeah, that's the post. I think in my head, if I put it out on the internet, it will be more concrete for me instead of "I could do that maybe" type stuff.

Oh! I am also trying to become more active in ND spaces online and kind of wanna explore the possibility of setting up an org or something in my city. Disabled, queer, trans, NDers, and other marginalized people aren't just invisible here but in a lot of cases are flatout hated and I wanna see that fixed.

Got my new retro handheld emulator. It's an Anbernic Arc-D. Just got 50 GB of roms loaded from my personal currated collection and I kind of think I wanna jump into some jrpgs I can play on the couch when I wanna decompress. Right now I'm looking at starting with GBA titles since I missed that whole era but I'm mainly looking for any suggestions up to PS1 era. I've played all the main ones like Chrono Trigger and FFVI but open to anything.

My current line up is looking like Mario RPG, Mother 2 And 3, and Golden Sun.

What are some other bangers I should definitely check out?

Also the Arc-D is dope as fuck. Stock firmware isn't even that bad.

E: thanks all for the suggestions! Gonna currate a list this morning and probably start with Golden Sun before diving into the rest. A lot of gems I recall missing out on when I was a kids too that I'm eager to jump into.