Self Improvement

Hey c/self_improvement.

Right now I’m really hitting a bad part of my journey. I’m seriously doubting my reason to keep going. I put in all this work and I almost never see any reward for it. Can’t lose fat no matter how hard I work out. I’m totally unemployable and while I have a summer gig right now, I can’t live through another 9 months of unemployment and I know that’s what’s in my future because no employer wants to touch me with a ten foot pole.

Right now, I’m looking at taking some college courses. But what’s the point if I’m not top of my class? No employer would want to hire me if I’m not perfect in every conceivable way. I have nothing to offer the world that literally everyone else can’t. It’s like I am ontologically inferior to everyone.

EDIT: thank you so much for all these responses.

about a month ago i started doing electrical work (4 10s, Monday-Thursday). prior to this i had been working out 3 times a week and getting a lot of stuff done around the house. i still have a few hours of free time in the evenings, how do i not spend it dicking around on my phone?

cross-posted from: https://hexbear.net/post/5264629

I want to integrate yoga in my fitness routine, because I am pretty weak in balance and stress management. But when I try searching for stuff on it online, I run into two problems:

1. I get overwhelmed by the amount of content. A Youtube channel like "Yoga with Adriene" has hundreds of videos and dozens of playlists, each covering a different perspective and set of exercises. I don't know from myself what I want, so it leads to me unable to choose.
2. I either get impatient or roll my eyes at the way yoga is commonly talked about. Even if there's no mention of more spiritual elements, I feel prejudiced against the usually slow pace and mindfulness talk, even though that's precisely what I want to practice.

I have a membership at a small gym, but they don't have any yoga classes, and I don't want another membership for yoga coaching on top of that. Are there ways around this?

Some insights:

My dad is for sure my no. 1 trigger. He's sick and taking his bullshit out on me which made me super fucking angry and depressed so I took out some money and self-medicated.

18 days is pretty good clean time. My personal best is still 20-something days I need to beat.

I noticed I'm right back to hitting the vape as much as I did before, like my tolerance was still pretty high.

So anyway I'm not going to beat myself up too much given the state of well literally everything and me being a mentally ill addict with very few ways to cope.

Still haven't smoked or vaped but god damn today I wanted too. I've been reading a bit on it and dopamine is now no longer being injected into my system so my dreams are going to be weird and wild for a bit until it evens out, I guess.

Anyway when I quit drinking I didn't start getting the pangs to want alcohol until this late in too.

But I'm coming up on 20 days soon and that will be the longest I've been nicotine free since 2012.

Hello comrades and welcome to the second improvement megathread of June!

Some discussion ideas:

• How was your week?
• Do you have any plans for next week?

Good luck with your goals!

I kinda cringe at a text message I sent someone who I met on a dating app. After years of being away from that hellish landscape (my opinion because I’ve seen that many people on this site have met partners there), I’m just now noticing some of its darker and unfortunate sides.

Dating app rant sidebar

Christ yeah, I still remember exactly what I said and it was weird. I truly thought I had found “the one” simply because they were semi-attractive and liked a few of the same things I did with the same intensity. And didn’t mind receiving texts in paragraphs kinda in the same way this is written right now (that was a pretty big one tbh)

Because I thought they were “the one” I’ve kept her as a friend and slowly learned I did a ton of projecting. It’s really come to the point where one of the only reasons I continue with the friendship is because I don’t have many other friends really. Cue one of the other parts that always says I can never be pleased and echoes the sentiments of everyone who has repeatedly told me something similar. Call me a hater, difficult or always unhappy, but the one thing I truly can’t stand is being the friend who in addition to existing mostly on the side is poked here and there. It all comes back to the old idea of being in relationships that aren’t fulfilling because the only ones that have fulfilled me are dead and gone.

I can walk down my driveway and to the mailbox and back without being winded so there's that. I've had a couple of pretty bad cravings but they were manageable. Keeping your mind occupied helps a lot, something I learned in rehab but never used.

I studied physics, turns out people only want that for mining, gambling, banking, and weapons. Understandably I burned out hard.

Well, creeping disability has given me the push I need to go back and try follow my one regret of never having done grad school. Serendipitously I mentioned looking for projects to someone I met and he hooked me up with his mate. Now I'm going back, big field change. Conservative and ecology stuff, water remediation.

I am finally going to learn how to do something actually good for the world!

I've quit smoking, drinking is a WIP but the occasional relapse is a marked improvement from daily day drinking. Exercise is now a regular part of my life, home sitch is way more stable than my 20s.

If I fail this time then I will have failed having done my best and set myself up for success, and if that happens I won't have regrets.

Staying clean is the easy part now!

Sometimes, you have to say “no.“

In fact, you should say no a lot more often. As Warren Buffett says, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.”

The late Steve Jobs agreed. “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you’ve got to focus on,” Jobs said, which “means saying no to the hundred other good ideas.”

But saying no can come at a cost. Say no to a friend’s request and their feelings could be hurt. Say no to an employee and their sense of engagement could be damaged. Say no to a long-term customer, and they may consider looking elsewhere.

However justified, saying no can often negatively impact a relationship.

Unless you say no the right way. Never Reference Time

But first, the wrong way to say no. According to a study published in Journal of Consumer Psychology in 2021, saying, in effect, “I don’t have time” when you decline an invitation or request can cause the person you turn down to feel undervalued and upset, negatively effecting the relationship.

Time excuses are seen as less valid. Less justified. In simple terms, you have the time; you just don’t want to give it to me.

Say you invite me to a seminar. (I get those kinds of requests at least once a week.) If I respond saying, “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to attend,” clearly that means I’m choosing to do something else. Granted, that’s always the case: Not doing one thing automatically means doing something else.

But without additional context? The researchers found people consider time to be subject to personal control. Which, of course, it is. I have the time. I just don’t want to give it to you. I am clearly choosing something else over your seminar.

Which, again however justified, is a problem. Say a friend invites you to an event. A colleague invites you to lunch. A customer, or supplier, or someone you know, whether professionally or personally, makes a request, or asks for a favor.

The researchers found that no matter how valid the reason, turning down invitations or requests because of a lack of time reflects on how you see the relationship. That is, if you don’t have the time – if you’re not willing to make the time – you must not value the relationship. But Referencing Money Is OK

Oddly enough, the researchers found that using money as an excuse to decline a request won’t spark the same reaction.

If you ask me to go to a concert and I say I don’t have the money, you’re unlikely to be upset. Maybe that’s because money is seen as less controllable as time. Maybe that’s also because my response puts me in a vulnerable position. No one likes to admit their funds are limited, even though at some point, everyone’s funds are limited.

Why “oddly enough”? Because time is also a finite resource. Time is more finite than money. With effort intelligently applied, I can make more money. But I can’t make more time.

Money excuses can also be implied. If you decline a request because you have to work, the financial reason is implied. If you decline to work on a side hustle, the financial reason is implied.

While you can, in effect, decline because you can’t afford it… you can also say no because you’re trying to make money.

The key is to provide greater context. Always Say Why

“Yes” is a complete sentence. “No” is not.

When you decline a request, provide a little more information. Definitely don’t say you don’t have the time. And don’t just say you’re really busy.

Add context. Add detail. Explain why. Maybe you’re trying to meet a tight deadline. Maybe you’re trying to finish massive project. Maybe you’re working longer hours because you’re short-staffed. Maybe you’ve already blocked that time for another purpose.

Ask me to attend your seminar, and I could borrow a line from Wharton organizational psychologist Adam Grant: “Thanks for inviting me, but I’m in the middle of writing a new book and my plate is beyond full.” Granted, that’s a time excuse – but it’s also a valid time excuse. Your Personal Policy

Another approach is to explain that saying no comes from a personal policy. Take me, for example. I don’t post blurbs about new books on LinkedIn. I no longer write forewords or introductions for other people’s books. I don’t speak for free. When people ask, I say no, and explain that I’m not rejecting them – I’m maintaining a boundary I’ve set for myself.

Does that approach ensure no one gets upset? Nope. The people who do get upset are always people I don’t know, and who aren’t interested in building a mutually beneficial relationship. But it does help someone I do know understand why I might need to turn down their invitation or request.

As with nearly everything relationship related, understanding why makes all the difference.

Even if that relationship is with yourself. How to Say No to Yourself

In a study published in Journal of Consumer Research in 2012, researchers created two groups. One group was given a simple temptation and told to say, in the face of that temptation, “I can’t (do that).” The other group was told to say, “I don’t (do that).”

Here’s what happened:

Participants told to say “I can’t” gave in to the temptation 61 percent of the time.
Participants told to say “I don’t” gave in 36 percent of the time.

Then the researchers divided people into three groups and asked participants to set a long-term health and wellness goal. When their motivation inevitably flagged, one group was told to say, “I can’t miss my workout.” Another group was told to say, “I don’t miss workouts.” The control group wasn’t given a temptation-avoidance strategy.

Ten days later, here were the results:

One of the 10 “I can’t” group members stuck to their goal.
Three of the 10 control group members stuck to their goal.
Eight of the 10 “I don’t” group members stuck to their goal.

Saying “I don’t” was extremely effective. But saying “I can’t” was less effective than saying nothing at all.

Why? According to the researchers:

“The refusal frame ‘I don’t’ is more persuasive than the refusal frame ‘I can’t’ because the former connotes conviction to a higher degree.

“Perceived conviction mediates the influence of refusal frame on persuasiveness.”

Getting Personal

In other words, “I can’t” opens up room for negotiation. I want that ice cream (my personal long-term Achilles heel), but I can’t have it. Then again, maybe I could. I could skip breakfast tomorrow. (Even though I won’t.) I could go for an extra bike ride to burn off the calories. (Even though I won’t.) Given enough time, I can turn “I can’t” into “Yeah, I can.”

That’s much less likely to happen when you say “I don’t.” “I don’t” is powerful. Definite. There’s no choice involved. No negotiation to be had.

“I don’t miss workouts” is much more powerful than “I can’t skip my workout today.” “I don’t offer discounts” is much more powerful than “I can’t give you a discount.” “I don’t relax my standards” is much more powerful than “I can’t cut corners on this task.”

“I can’t” leaves room for argument and compromise. “I don’t” does not.

“I don’t” also works when you decline requests from others. I don’t eat dinner after 7 p.m. because I’ll feel bloated and won’t be able to sleep well. I don’t do high-impact workouts because my knees can’t take the pounding. I don’t mentor aspiring real estate investors because they inevitably want more time than I am able to give.

Plenty of people hear “I can’t” and automatically think, “All right, but under what circumstances can you do what I’m asking?” They immediately try to turn no into maybe, and maybe into yes. Before you know it – because you’re a nice person – you end up saying yes.

So just say, “I don’t,” both to yourself and, when appropriate, to others.

Medication assisted therapy is something a lot of alcoholics don't know about, and getting on the right meds can really turn shit around. Not sure if I'd wanna post it here or the drugs comm, but asking here so more people see the question

Edit: asking because I've been on a lot of MAT meds and could probably write a half decent guide

Hello comrades and welcome to the first improvement megathread of June!

It's the first day of June, a great opportunity to review the progress from last month and make some plans for this month.

Some discussion ideas:

• How was your May?
• Do you have some plans or goals for June?
• How was your week?
• Do you have any plans for next week?

poster caption: "Our Future - Communism!"

Good luck with your goals!

I'm well over 200lbs now and that's not good, so long story short I need to lose weight and get back to my target of like 190-ish for my height.

Thinking about starting off small with walks, like brisk 30 min ones that get my heart pumping (as I get winded easy, sometimes just walking to get the mail). And as for food, start eating small portions of healthier meals.

So if you have any suggestions on how to go about this let me know so I can implement them. Thanks.

Hello comrades and welcome to the fourth improvement megathread of May! There is one more week left of May to finish the month strong.

Some discussion ideas:

• How was your week?
• Do you have any plans for next week?
• Do you have some streaks or sober days to share?
• Do you have some useful resources or information that you would like to share?

poster caption: "A book to the masses!"

Good luck with your goals!

Please ignore the comical sunburn 😅

Ran a 5k this weekend, had to walk some but I’m getting into the cardio!

#1 or #2 better btw

Hello comrades and welcome to the third improvement megathread of May!

Some discussion ideas:

• How was your week?
• Do you have any plans for next week?
• Do you have some streaks or sober days to share?

poster caption: "Youth, everywhere we have a road!"

Good luck with your goals!

So long story short I started smoking when I was in my mid-twenties and did it for about 10 years. It wasn't until recently I switched over to vaping in a vain attempt to quit smoking. Well, it worked, I quit smoking but became totally addicted to vaping instead.

It's so difficult to kick compared to drinking. Alcohol would make me have terrible hangovers and I'd binge so there'd be weeks at a time I'd lose to being drunk. Compared to smoking it's nefarious, with cigs I could only smoke outside and there was only 20 to a pack, so I'd have to space it out and plan my breaks around smoking a cig.

Vaping on the other hand, you can do anytime anywhere (mostly). I'd just sit at the computer all day vaping. I even stopped playing games (my passion) just to sit and vape and disassociate.

Anyway I'm trying, again, to quit. I tried yesterday but I ended up fishing out a burnt vape from the trash and took a bunch of hits that made me gag.

So I came to a realization of sorts, my ass is fishing through nasty garbage and putting that to my mouth to get a nicotine fix. Look at how far my ass has fallen

I'll update this post when I hit the 6 hour mark. God help me.

Starting to shed the fat I put on after stopping coke, mostly gone from my arms and gradually disappearing from my chest and abdomen.

(I spiraled hard after “stopping coke” almost a year ago and put on all the bad weight)

Dropped a belt size and my “shmedium” shirts no longer fit right 🥳

Gotta work on my forearms, they’re still so skinny

So I was forced to sign up with a quit website through checks notes New South Wales, Australia.

Seriously, how hard is it to have a simple website that can track quitting something? Not everything has to be a stupid app on your dumb phone that spies on you.

Hello comrades and welcome to the second improvement megathread of May! It is Mother's Day today.

Some discussion ideas:

• How was your week?
• Do you have any plans for next week?
• Do you have some streaks or sober days to share?

poster caption: "Glory to the mother heroine!"

Good luck with your goals!

Hello comrades and welcome to the first improvement megathread of May! It's a great time to set some plans for this month if you haven't already.

Some discussion ideas:

• How was your week?
• Do you have any plans for next week?
• Do you have any plans for May?
• Do you have some streaks or sober days to share?

poster caption: "May 1st, the All-Russian Subbotnik"

Good luck with your goals!