Spacehooks

I am NOT the Original Poster. That is Ema11e. She posted in r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/Myune for the rec! Short post. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. Latest update is more than 7 days old.

Mood Spoiler: wtf

Original Post: April 16, 2025

so I (23f) live alone in a small 2 bedroom house. one room is mine, the other one is basically my everything room. It’s my office, my closet, storage, sometimes i just lay on the floor in there and stare at the ceiling when life sucks lol. it is NOT a guest room. I’ve lived with horrible roommates before so I worked really hard to be able to afford my own place and I love having my space. it’s literally my safe little bubble. anyways, one of my coworkers (25f) got into a huge fight with her roommates and they kicked her out. she was venting at work and i felt bad and was like “that sucks omg” and even sent her a few places to look at. I was trying to be helpful without inviting chaos into my life yk?

later that night she texts me saying “hey I was thinking maybe I could just crash with you for a few weeks since you live alone and have the space?”

i literally got that sinking feeling in my chest. nooo. no no no. i’m not even close to her. we’re cool at work but we’ve never even hung out outside of lunch breaks and complaining about our boss. she doesn’t know anything about me. and i don’t know her like that. why would she live in my HOUSE.

so i replied super politely like “i totally get that you’re going through it but i really value my space and I’m just not in a place where I can have someone stay with me” like i was NICE. didn’t ghost her. didn’t ignore her. just said no.

next day she’s acting really weird. then another coworker tells me she said i “let her be homeless” when i “have an entire room to myself.” like GIRL. first of all, she’s staying at her bf’s place. second of all, I pay to live alone. that’s the whole POINT. I don’t wanna feel tense or uncomfortable in my own space. I don’t wanna tiptoe around a person I barely know. and I definitely don’t wanna deal with “just a few weeks” turning into “i’m looking but nothing’s coming through yet” for 2 months.

now ppl at work are acting like I’m the bad guy. sorry for not letting a coworker move into my apartment bc she had a bad fight? idk. i feel bad but like. also no.

Aita??

Some of OOP's Comments:

Commenter: NTA - I don't understand why a coworker would feel entitled to your home? That's truly bizarre. Her life is not your responsibility. I mean, I could maybe get it if you were super close and good, long-term friends with a deep connection... but a casual coworker??

OOP: Literally just a casual coworker I don’t get it

Commenter: Anyone makes that comment again to you OP, you say "I'll let coworker know that you're volunteering your space to them, so kind of you"

OOP: Aye aye captain 🫡

Commenter: NTA. You don't need to find out first hand why her roommates and boyfriend don't want to live with her either.

OOP: I’m definitely understanding it now seeing the reaction after saying no. I am a homebody and really enjoy my personal space given the fact I work two jobs and my home is my only care free space.

Commenter: NTA

For the co-workers saying you're letting the girl be homeless etc etc... Do you see them offering a place for her to crash? Exactly

OOP: It’s only because I work my tail off with two jobs to have extra space. Would feel pointless if I just handed that free space away.

Commenter: NTA This person is not a friend or family. Why doesn’t she get an air bnb or Motel?

OOP: That’s what I was thinking. If she’s in such a horrible spot I would even help her a pay for a night or two. If it was family or my best friend it would be a different story. But for added context I’ve only been working at this job for 6 months.

Commenter: You said people at work are acting like you're the bad guy. Has anyone said anything to you about the situation?

OOP: It’s always something like “well I would if I lived by myself” “I would if I had the space” I’ve had a similar situation happen to me and it sucksssss really bad. which is why I sent her listings. not sure how that equated to “let me live with you” but it does seem like my reasonings of wanting to be alone are somehow invalidated. it’s like they think my “free room” didn’t come at a cost

Update (Same Post): April 17, 2025 (Next Day)

UPDATE: she went to jail, lol. Don’t know what happened but I feel horrible to say I laughed. Well, solves that issue.

Edit cause I have to highlight my favorite comment:

“Go up to the people that had something to say and tell them they are horrible for not bailing her out”

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/PurpleKittyKatt

Originally posted to r/AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC

WIBTA if I ditched my Sister’s Wedding Reception with my Family?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas, u/soayherder, & u/SloshingSloth for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: food issues, mentions of ignoring allergies

Original Post: April 17, 2025

I (31F) am due to go to my Sister’s (26F) wedding in a week. My Sister and I have never really seen eye-to-eye, and I personally think that she asked me to be a Bridesmaid out of courtesy and necessity due to her lack of female friends.

I am neurodivergent and have had issues with food (ARFID), since I was a young child. Everyone knows this. There’s a short list of things that I will eat, whether that be down to flavour/texture/etc.

Now my Sister, embraces the Vegan, Plant-Based Lifestyle - nothing against this, you do you, whatever makes you happy. What I don’t agree with, is forcing your lifestyle and beliefs onto other people. Let people make decisions about what they eat for themselves, it’s not up to you or anyone else to judge. There’s many reason why people choose to eat what they eat; Allergies, Intolerances, Religion, Beliefs, Neurodivergency, medical reasons, medication, or just plain preference.

Now, I’ve recently found out that my Sister has opted for an entire Plant-Based menu for her wedding. The menu has been released, and I’m having anxiety about attending because there is not even so much as a side dish that I will eat. Not only that, but many of the ingredients in the dishes, one of our elderly relatives is allergic to. There’s no offered alternative.

So, I’ve hopped onto ol’reliable Google and had a look at what’s available in the local area, there’s not much, it’s pretty remote, but there’s a restaurant less than 10 minutes drive away from the wedding venue.

WIBTA if myself and my immediate family disappeared for an hour or so, during the reception to eat food that we can actually eat?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Be Adult.

Contact your sister, say great menu, but because of your condition, there’s nothing on there that you can eat.

You are keen to support her on her most important day. Which would she prefer 1. You bring some food you can eat with you? or 2. You nip out to the place 10 mins away, eat, then circle back?

That puts her on notice and gives her some input. If she doesn’t go with either choice, comes up with something inappropriate, just give a neutral ‘OK’ and do what’s best for you on the day. So you have a record, text her a day later, saying you know she’s busy, thanks for listening to you worry about there not being anything on the menu at her reception that you can eat without bringing sick.

NTA

OOP: I did exactly that. Thanks for the suggestion. She had a fit at our parents and is ignoring me. I mentioned the allergies in the group, and claimed she didn’t know (it was on the e-rsvp that she neglected to read). I’m not trying to be an AH, I just feel that if you’re inviting people to an event, everyone should be catered for (to some degree). And to spend so much money on food for it to go to waste, when it could have been spent on things that people would have actually enjoyed OR gone towards something else

Commenter 2: NTA, but you must tell your sister. Two reasons, firstly any offense she takes is before but not on her special day. Secondly, by letting her know X amount of people won’t be partaking in meals at the reception she might be able to cut the cost of those meals from her budget.

Also, I think it’s preferable that you pack a picnic of foods you can eat and either nip to a room, garden or the car to have a quick munch and return to the celebrations. As a member of the bridal party, the longer you are away from the venue the more noticeable it will be and many more people will be offended.

Commenter 3: Yes but too late. Changes to any event menu must happen prior to these few days before. Bride is stuck with her menu and can only add costs now.

It is a shame she made no considerations for regular folk. It is 100 percent on the OP for not requesting what the menu will be in advance- regardless of how well known her eating issues are. Same for elderly relative with allergies.

The person planning the wedding should have added a space to the RSVPs for dietary restrictions.

OOP: There was space on the rsvps, and the dietary restrictions were mentioned. She didn’t read it. (That’s been recently confirmed today)

Commenter 4: What time is the wedding and reception? I’d be surprised if you couldn’t just skip eating and grab a bite after. When my sibling got married I literally ate nothing because there was not enough food, and I couldn’t eat any of it anyway (“heavy hors d’oeuvres” apparently meant like two trays of food for everyone that were never replenished, and I was pregnant and not supposed to eat certain things). My parents just took us out to eat after because everyone was still starving. I survived; my baby survived. Most adults can comfortably go at least seven hours without eating; I would just have a super heavy breakfast or lunch right beforehand and have plans for a meal after.

OOP: So we’re going to be on the road for about 7AM, get to the venue for 9AM, rehearsal and getting ready from 9:30-1, and from 1:30pm it’s go time.

OOP on eating meat at the reception

OOP: Who said I wanted meat? I’d be happy with fries and bread 😂

Update: April 28, 2025 (11 days later)

Update to my last post:

Thanks people of Reddit for all your comments and suggestions, all were insightful - even the negative ones.

So, we did end up leaving the wedding, but not because of the food.

Let me preface, the entire day was a disorganised mess.

I was excluded from the moment I arrived, I ended up getting ready by myself (even though everyone else was in the bridal suite).

I brought a sandwich for myself, which I couldn’t eat until very late in the day, and sat at the wedding breakfast looking awkward as I didn’t eat any of the vegan food. There was talk of a pizza order being made in the evening, because they weren’t providing any food for the evening - this never happened, so everyone had to go hungry.

It was unbearably hot in the dining room, so I asked the Groom how long until the speeches, so I could go outside and cool down, I was told I had “plenty of time, like 15-20 minutes” within 5 minutes of me being outside there was cheering and clapping, meaning that they started the speeches knowing I was outside and would miss them.

They’d also allocated us the room closest to the dance floor, meaning that my toddler couldn’t sleep because of the noise and music, we ended up leaving at 9:30pm and going home - gotta love a 2hr drive at that time of night, starving too.

And because it was a child-free wedding (aside from my child) everyone was fawning over her and giving her bundles of attention, attention that my Sister obviously didn’t like, because she was overheard with her new Husband saying “all anyone cares about is that bloody baby” to which she laughed and just told him to “shhhh” because they were talking under our OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW.

I’m furious and beyond disgusted. This is the final straw, and I will be going NC with them both from here on out. I honestly do not care what people say about me, but the moment anyone comes after my child, who’s done nothing but exist, then you’re in trouble. I hope she’s happy with her new family, because mine will no longer be any of her concern.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You shouldn't have attended...

OOP: I wish I didn’t

Commenter 2: Now tbh, you honestly shouldn’t have gone to the wedding if you knew the wedding was child free. I totally understand not having anyone to watch the baby and whatnot. But you were already contemplating on not going. That would have been enough reason to just not go.

And I’m not saying that your sister talking shit about your baby is cool, because it was definitely uncalled for. But this really could have been avoided. All of it. Yall wouldn’t have had to starve all day nor would she have been given a reason to purposely talk shit about you and your baby (She knew exactly what she was doing. She wanted you to hear what she was saying). Just use better judgement next time.

OOP: My child was the only child allowed at the wedding, they stated that my child was the only child invited

She was a flower girl

Commenter 3: They sound like tools, but it also sounds like you expected outsize personal consideration for a few things. You could have asked the hotel to move your room, ordered your own evening food or stopped at a market if you were hungry, and brought sufficient alternatives knowing the meals provided like the breakfast. Did they not tell you where the bridal suite was?

OOP: We did ask if we could be moved, but all rooms had either been allocated, or the travel cot would not fit in the room. I was not told where anything was, we were just led to the room we were allocated. We ended up getting drive thru McDonald’s on the way home

Commenter 4: Did they hire a planner? This just sounds like a pile up of oversights.. or maybe this is how they tried to cut costs.

Either way, you got to witness a dumpster fire from start to.. somewhere before it ended 😂

OOP: I think it was all self-planned, but the spending habits made no sense to me, personally. Spent 2.5K on a dress, 8K on food for the wedding buffet, but refused to get any sort of help to plan or evening food, or even a hair stylist for the getting ready part. There’s plenty of cost-saving measures that could have been implemented.

Commenter 4: Like another bridesmaid, your mom, etc.?

OOP: She didn’t get there until about an hour after I did and the other bridesmaids were off with my sister

Commenter 5: I don’t understand why you think they should have waited for you to be the speeches, they can’t remember everyone’s plans & location all the time.

OOP: It’s more the fact that I wanted to be there, I wanted to make sure we could all be there to listen, and I was misinformed and left out

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

My fiancé of five years just requested we open the relationship, and that request sent me spiraling. (New Update)

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Wild_Boar1142

My fiancé of five years just requested we open the relationship, and that request sent me spiraling.

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

BoRU 1

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse, grooming, possible infidelity

Original Post Sept 16, 2024

This situation is just so strange and uncomfortable, and wherever I turn to support, I always get brushed off with "it's not a big deal" or "well, he just asked" and I lack any real support or validation. I can't go to my parents, so I'm hoping a bunch of strangers on Reddit might offer more help than my social circle did so far.

I (28F) and my fiancé 'John' (28M) have been together for, as the title says, about five years. To understand the dilemma, I need to give you some background; we both came from very religious backgrounds, though it affected both of us very differently. John became a 'problem child' - running away, causing problems, and eventually finding a crowd his parents would not approve of. Most of the members of this group were a part of the LGBTQ+, smoked pot, engaged in protests and were either atheist, or practiced different religion. Although some of the members since have left, this crowd became his current friend group. I won't go into details about each and every one of them, but the main 'ringleaders' are 'Alex' (35NB) and 'Avery' (33M). From what I understand, they 'collected damaged people' (as John jokingly said one day) and let them couch-surf when things got rough. Alex is some sort of a nepo baby and Avery works in IT, or something like that. John met them when he was 15.

At first, I thought they seemed very cool and couldn't wait to meet them since John equated their relationship to that of a child and a parent, so clearly very important people in his life. But when I finally met them (when we were 21, and in college and home for the summer break), the meeting left me a bit disillusioned. Alex was catty and had snide remarks since I wasn't LGBTQ+ or anything, at most bi-curious, and Avery treated me like a child, but John said they always need to 'break new people in', so I tried to think positive and did my best to impress them with what I was studying and what my plans for the future are, both regarding me personally and my relationship. But the more I talked, the more they seemed to disapprove of me.

Despite the strange meeting, John seemed ecstatic to see them again, and gushed about how much they liked me, so I kept my mouth shut and just nodded along. Now, to understand a bit deeper on who Alex and Avery are; in the town they live in, they're something like local celebrities. Very spiritual, their home is full of souvenirs they accumulated over all their travels, are also 'married', but their definition of marriage is very different from the traditional one; apparently, they went to some tropical state and took some hallucinogens together, and in their state, they proclaimed everlasting love for one another. Quite a wild concept for someone like me, but I learned to be more open-minded since I left for college.

That being said, they also said that they can see 'auras', whatever that is, and apparently love my fiancé's. I don't know what they think of mine, but it probably isn't much.

Which brings us to the topic I came here with; last week, after we got home from work, John sat me down and asked me what I think about being in a polygamous relationship. He said he loves me so, so much, more than is possible, and doesn't know what to do with the rest of it, thinking that it's fair to give it to someone else. I, on the other hand, don't have a limit on how much I can love him, so I said no, and that was that. However, the question has been plaguing my mind ever since. If you knew John just a fraction, you'd know he researches about things long before he actually commits to anything; any lifestyle or relationship changes, whatever. This makes me think that he has already thought about it for a while, and that he also consulted Alex and/or Avery about this.

I don't want to villainize them, but I know, for a fact, they're not in a monogamous relationship, and they clearly don't like me as the rest of their little group. Again, I don't want to point fingers, and I won't ask John to show me his messages with them unless I have solid proof that isn't just a gut feeling, but I just have this horrible feeling that they, somehow, pulled in John. There's no way he just thought about it suddenly on his own; five years of relationship, and the idea of non-monogamy was never brought up, and now suddenly, just as we're about to be married, he brings this up? I don't buy it one bit, but I can't just go ahead and confront them now, can I?

I just don't know what to do. I feel stuck. At home, I pretend everything is fine since my group of close friends told me that I'm just overthinking, and I believed it for a while, but whenever I look at John, all I can think of is; 'he thinks there's a cap on how much he can love me, and he wants to love someone else'. I want to deal with this, but I don't know how. If I bring it up with John, he'll just brush it off as well, or he'll think I'm cheating or don't trust his friends. I worked hard to get their approval, and I know for a fact John shares everything with them; he wouldn't keep this for himself.

I just hope that someone here can give me pointers on how to proceed. Thanks.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

degenerate-titilicker

If you don't swing that way then end it. It'll only get worse once you're married. This is not something you can compromise on... He wants to fuck other people while you do not.

OOP

God, the idea of ending our relationship is so scary. I feel like I built my entire life since leaving for college around him, and if we separate, I worried I'm going to fall apart... but I understand where you're coming from, I need more time to process the reality of it all.

~

whygodwhy94

Don't let them brainwash you. There are plenty of cases where people are pulled into someone else's lifestyle and then randomly dropped. It will leave you wondering who you even are. I've been there and it ruined me. What happens if you drink the kool-aid and they reject you later?

It's hard to come back from that. And I'm not saying this as a matter based solely on sexual preference either. New age mumbo jumbo or "auras" mixed with radical changes in sexual interest can really fuck a person up.

A lot of people like this function almost like a give mind or the popular clique in highschool. If you already feel like you're being pushed away from the group, and now he's making this request, it's a bad sign.

Also the idea of him having "so much love" that it's unfair to only give it to you is a horrible cop-out and a very common excuse people use when trying to convince they're SO to try poly or open. It's often used to guilt people. It's almost like he's suggesting that you are greedy for wanting to keep your relationship personal and exclusive.

I'd just say be careful. I don't want you to end up hurt like I was.

Dedicating yourself to one person while their character and lifestyle is completely changing can end up with you getting hurt bad.

If he is sincerely changing in this way, I'd be worried about how much you invest in him.

I only say this because i was fully invested in my ex and she started hanging out with a group of college friends more frequently towards the end. One day we got into a small argument over parking and it ended with her saying she wasn't certain what sex she was attracted to anymore and wasn't sure if she was even female anymore and that we had to end things. Now, I would've been fine with helping them figure themself out, but for her it kind of just became her excuse to break up with me.

I think it was more about her/them wanting to have fun and was influenced by her group of friends all being single or experimenting who all "came out" around the same time. I think she saw them having fun and felt fomo tbh.

So to her, she was getting her chance to catch up on fun she may have missed out on being in a relationship. To me, it was losing a peace of myself that I invested years of love into.

OOP

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. I really hope John isn't using this as a maneuvering tactic to get out of the relationship or a chance to catch up. It doesn't sound like him, but I'll keep this in mind.

OOP updated the Next Day/Same Post Sept 17, 2024

UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the nice replies and genuine advice you've offered. Not to sound cliché, but I didn't expect over a hundred comments and some nice DMs. I'm sorry I didn't respond much, the whole situation was kind of emotionally draining.

I figured I'd update when something major happens, and I think this is it. But before I get ahead of myself, let me fill in some blanks in my story.

Me and John came from similar backgrounds, but my family was a bit less strict, allowing me to go to college since I had great grades - the plan for me was to move back after getting a degree, finding a job, a husband, and living the 'traditional' life, which, obviously, didn't happen because I met John, who literally changed the trajectory of my life. After a year, I switched from my first major to one I liked more and it's been a while since I contacted my parents. They didn't approve, of course, but with John's help, I didn't give in to their demands to come back. Now they know I'm getting married and are invited, but the last time we spoke was about two months ago. John is completely no contact with his parents since eighteen.

I didn't talk about the friend group in more detail at first since I didn't think they were that important, but they do like me - at first, they were obviously a bit unsure since to them, I was a cishet white-passing woman, but they warm up to me and I'm proud to call them my friends. The only people who didn't fully accept me are Avery and Alex, and since me and John got together officially, they tend to call me 'the wife' in this strange, almost derogatory manner. It's not an important detail, but it gets on my nerves.

Lastly, John is aware that opening up the relationship would lead to me being intimate, physically or emotionally, with other people, but he said it's a great chance for me to explore 'my bi side', though I haven't expressed the desire to really be with a woman in a commited relationship of that magnitude.

Onto what happened - I shot a message to John two days ago that we need to talk. He works from home, I don't, so as soon as I got home, we sat down to have an in-depth conversation about his proposal. I think he knew what it's going to be about and I had the feeling he seemed almost guilty, but I ignored that and basically word-vomited everything that's been on my mind. This is embarrassing because I wrote down most of what the comments advised and was prepared to have a mature discussion, but by the end of my easily fifteen minute rant, I was in tears and he had to hold me, otherwise I'd crumble completely. The gist of what I said is that I'm hurt that he wants to fuck other people and that he doesn't care that I'd fuck other people too, that he believes there's a limit to how much he can love me and that I can't see where this all came from, that he just sprung this on me out of nowhere just a few monts before we're to be wed.

We tried to have a mature discussion, yes, but by the end, he was frustrated - he did apologize for making me feel less than, but said that my outlook on an open relationship is selfish. What it all boiled down to was that he feels he didn't have enough time to find himself before he commited to me - which is bullshit because he didn't show any signs of wanting more than I could offer. We were very happy throughout the five years, I really believed I met my soulmate. I realized that, since we were engaged, he seemed to talk more to his friend group, and by extension to Avery and Alex. Again, I don't want to paint them as these cartoonish villains, they're really interesting and all, but now I want nothing more than to scratch those self-absorbed, smug smiles off their faces.

In the end, I demanded to see his phone, and he was shocked - we had a rule that we can see each other's phones, but we don't share passwords or anything since relationship is built on trust, and neither wanted to be a prison guard in the relationship. Nevertheless, he unlocked and handed over his phone, and I searched his messages - even deleted ones - and found nothing out of the ordinary. Then I checked the call log, and guess fucking what? Hours long calls to and from either Avery or Alex. I was fuming, and asked him what the hell does he need to discuss with them this long, and mind you, these dated months back!

John eventually caved in and admitted it was them who brought up the idea of open relationship, but they also talked about everything else since they're suuuuuch a role models. John admitted that he started getting cold feet a while ago and needed a safe place to discuss this. I guess I, his wife to be, am not safe??? Please make it make sense. Why even marry me, then?

He promised we'd go to a couple's counselor and fix all of this, his issues with marriage, the open relationship thing, the whole nine yards, and that he'd book an emergency session with his therapist. That he loves me and wants nothing but to be with me. It was late, so we went to bed - despite how messy this all sounds, I was a bit more reassured by this - I genuinely love him, even if my post doesn't reflect that very well. Though many people said to just leave, I want that to be the last resort - I was willing to jump through hoops to make this work.

But guess who's the idiot? This morning, I woke up to an empty apartment, and a message on my phone from John, saying that he needs a few days to think this all over and needs space. He didn't say where he was going or when he'd come back. I called and called and messaged everyone I know, but no one can tell me where John is. I told him that he either comes back home in 24 hours, or this is over.

As you can imagine, I'm a wreck. I took the rest of the week off and between crying sessions and staring blankly into the wall, I obsessively check ny messages in hopes of someone telling me where John is. To be honest, if he's willing to put me through this, I'm not sure I want to be with him. How can you do this to someone you love? NEW UPDATES

Update in the comments Sept 24, 2024

Hey, thanks, I'm doing better-ish. I just didn't really feel like updating since we're in sort of a limbo - he came back the following morning, and since then, it's like we're both roommates that do their best to stay out of each other's way, but go to sleep in the same bed. It's weird.

After my post, I got Alex's number from one of the friends I'm the closest with - I called them like fifteen times, all voice-mails, until they picked up on the fifteenth call. I told them to hand the phone over to John, and they had the nerve to say he wasn't there, so I did a little bluff and said "(friend's name) already told me he's there)", and it worked. I so wanted him to be anywhere else but at their ugly ass house with knickknacks lining the shelf, but once again, I'm the idiot for believing otherwise. I didn't let John get a word in and told him that he either comes home, or I'm packing his things and throwing them on the front lawn.

He did, shockingly, show up the next morning. The wedding has been cancelled 'until further notice', we've been to a counselor and I have to admit, I wasn't easy to work with. I think the counselor was heavily biased for 'trying new things', so I just shut down and 'hmm'ed as a response to almost everything.

Things haven't moved since. I want to talk, but I just don't know if it's even worth it, and John won't approach me himself since he's anxious about my response. I've felt like shit ever since he came back. Feels like I'm in two halves - one wants to talk and resolve this, the other wishes for nothing but for John to once again pack his things and leave to get some space at AA's. I talked with my mom and she said that every marriage is worth fighting for, and how can you expect every relationship to be smooth sailing?

So, yeah. I want the situation to magically resolve itself however the universe seems fit because I can't move either way. Maybe I'll go to church after a decade lol

OOP added a bigger update to the original post - Oct 26, 2024 (1 month later)

UPDATE 2: Hello everyone. I suppose it is time to give you an update since a lot has happened. First off, thank you for the advice, reality checks, DMs, and I'm sorry I didn't answer much. I just couldn't find it within me to answer, but rest assured, I appreciate every message and comment. Second off, in my post, I said 'polygamy', and I later on learned that it's supposed to be polyamory (on TikTok out of all the places), so I guess I apologize for that. No, my fiancé doesn't want to have multiple wives. I posted a short update in the comments, that John came back and was indeed at AA's (Avery and Alex) and we're currently going to couples counseling and individual therapy.

Each time I thought about updating, I realized more and more context is needed. Since my fiancé found my post (again, on TikTok) and I got the green light, the reason why he used to feel unfulfilled is because he's trans, and feels like he didn't get much experience in before committing to me. That's fair, I guess. I'm not in his position, so I can't tell.

Now, you're probably going to be mad at me, but we're still together. I'm sorry. The wedding is still not happening anytime soon, but we still live together and go to couple's counseling. After John found my post, he showed me the video and asked me if it's about us since it was pretty specific, and I admitted that I reached out for help to strangers on the internet. Despite him being the type to keep up appearances, he was calm and I let him read the comments, which was the eye opener. I'm still mad a bunch of strangers got through to him better than I did, but at least someone got through to him. I'll admit, out of the two of us, he's more passionate than me, at least outwardly. He broke down and begged me not to leave him despite almost every comment telling me to do so, and even though I had one foot out of the door, I agreed to continue counseling and therapy and see where that gets us. For now, we have until the end of the year to work on our relationship, and if it doesn't work, it won't work - we agreed on this, after New Year's, no begging, no demanding, no bullshit - we're either in, or out.

John also agreed to go low contact with AA and told me everything regarding them. For the sake of his privacy, I won't go into detail, but I'll share what I'm allowed to share. He said that, when he met them, AA were very warm and welcoming towards him in a way no one ever was, which hooked him. Like I said, his Christian home was not welcoming towards him, even before he came out. He never lived with AA more than a few days at a time even though they told him John is always welcome, even forever. They were like those cool parents who turn a blind eye to their kids smoking the green and stuff, and he admitted he let himself be buttered up. Then, 'about ten years ago', he had sex with both of them. That either means he slept with them as a minor, or slept with them when he was freshly eighteen, which - either way - means he was groomed, in my eyes, and while John didn't entirely deny this, he said that's something he'll discuss with his therapist. I guess they played on his insecurities a little to sway him towards an open relationship. The night he left, Alex tried to put the moves on him, but he turned them away, though John admitted he's not entirely sure if it was on purpose or if Alex was just a bit tipsy and they didn't realize what they were doing. I think I know. And about AA trying to rope us into their polyamory band; I don't know. John said that the idea was pitched to him a few times, with AA painting it as the best thing ever, but that they never specifically said that they'd want to be our third and fourth - just joked about it, which John says is their style, but... I don't know.

I know it's naive of me to stay, that I should just pack my bags and leave, but I'm seeing a genuine change in John. He showed me a message he sent to AA, in short, telling them that he needs to distance himself for the sake of his relationship, to not contact him unless absolutely necessary. He gave me the password to his phone even though I didn't ask for it (like I said, I want to be his partner, not his prison guard), but he said I can check it, even in secret, whenever I feel suspicious, so there's that. We're going to a different couple's counselor now, and it's definitely going better. John keeps hanging out with his friends (all of them are 100% supportive, even though some of them are in an open/polyamory relationship), but he asked that they don't relay anything to AA. Oh, and Alex messaged him a couple of times, it was very satisfying to see either them or Avery grow increasingly upset over John ignoring them completely. They also messaged me, but I immediately blocked them without even reading it. For all I care, they can rot in hell. The only reason I didn't drive over to their house to beat them up for what they did to John is because he convinced me to not give them any more energy.

So, there you have it. I still have doubts, of course, and a temporary change is nothing if it doesn't stick, but I'm willing to see it through. I'm not going to throw away five years, not yet, not when it seems like there might be a future to it. If we do pull through, I'm going to make sure I send a wedding photo straight to AA's house, even though that's petty, and I shouldn't.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/BigExplanation3582

**Originally posted to r/CharlotteDobreYouTube

AITA for 'seducing' my ex's older brother and ruining their family?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abuse, alcoholism, infidelity, emotional abuse and manipulation, controlling behavior, stalking

Mood Spoilers: terrifying, but OOP is going to be okay!

Original Post: April 6, 2025

I honestly don't know how to get around it, it's been a couple of weeks and I'm genuinely confused as to what I did and if there were things I should/could have done differently. Anyway, this is going to be a long one, so buckle up, grab a snack and bear with me.

I, 27F, was in a rather bad relationship about 4-5 years back. It was a textbook toxic relationship and there are very few things in life that I regret as much as I regret staying in it for a year and a half, which was a year and a half too much.

Just to give some context, this person, let's call him Chad was a year older than me, we met in college, became friends and eventually grew closer after we both graduated. Anyway, the initial courtship period was a dream, which I now realise was severe love bombing. It's like he worshipped the ground I walked on. He showered me with compliments, small thoughtful gifts, hand written letters, the works. I WAS SMITTEN. However, one point of contention since day 1 was his insecurity - how he didn't believe he got someone like me, or how people apparently looked at us weirdly, because they couldn't believe he landed me.

Five months into the relationship, things took a permanent turn for the worse - his insecurity was through the roof, I wasn't allowed to have any guy friends, there was constant negging, regarding my body, clothes, taste in music, the way I spoke, EVERYTHING. Also, I realised he had an alcohol problem and constantly micro cheated. Engaging with his exes over late night video calls, flirting with anyone and everyone under the pretext of friendship. He was my first, so I was extremely attached and couldn't leave until he finally cheated on me with someone he apparently saw a little sister and grew up with.

I can't believe I lost my self esteem and peace over a guy built like a wet cigarette; but I digress.

I had made post about him earlier on this sub as well.:

Now coming to his older brother, let's call him Dan. Dan had always been polite with me, acknowledging me with max a nod or a smile or a hello.

However, Chad was really uncomfortable with these 'interactions' because a) Dan was vvvvv private and had never spoken to any of his other girlfriends. b) Dan had told him on a few occasions that I was too good for him & he shouldn't screw up.

Okay, now coming to the main issue of how I apparently seduced Dan.

7 months ago I moved to a different city for work. I live alone in a two bedroom and my house is the go-to hangout spot for the few friends I've made here. Not like a party spot, but like a glass of wine, good food, safe space kind of a spot. I love cooking and hosting people, and my friends definitely reap the benefits, I'm THE mom friend.

Anyway, about 4 months back, one of my friends was supposed to come over and she asked to bring a friend who'd recently gone through a break up. I didn't mind.

When they showed up, I realised that this friend was Dan. We were both surprised and visibly uncomfortable. A few moments after settling down, he randomly blurted out that he knows his brother did me dirty and he'd understand if I wanted him to leave. This statement actually helped cut the tension in the room and I was okay with him being over, after all he had always been nice to me, and I had a really good relationship with my ex's family, so I didn't ask him to leave. The three of us got drunk, consoled Dan and talked the night away.

This started becoming a frequent affair (not the drinking though) with them coming over at least 2-3 times a week, at times Dan would stay even after the other friend left. Usually for dinner, because he missed home cooked food, I didn't mind.

Now, the friend who'd come over with him went out of town last month and this is when I think I should have acted differently. Dan started showing up alone for these weekly dinners now, he'd come way early and try and help me cook and stay really late, usually not even getting up to leave until I dropped several hints.

On the last of these occasions, he shows up with my favourite wine and food, as a sort of thank you for being such a good friend, despite everything. We eat, we drink, we talk and drink some more and it's pretty late, when Dan tells me he drove to my place that day (he usually avails cabs) and that he's too drunk to drive back, so if I could let him crash at mine. I hesitantly agreed, given I had a spare room and also there wasn't any other reasonable option tbh. This is when things started getting worse I think.

He started talking about what he thought of me when he first met me and presenting rather detailed observations about me from the time I dated his brother, and loads of other stuff, some compliments, some vulnerable statements, so very awkward jokes etc.

After a little while he tried to kiss me.

Not like leaning in to kiss me, but more like it suddenly occurred to him he should do it, so he just grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I pushed him away and went numb for a minute and then slowly went to my room and locked my door. I couldn't think and felt extremely hollow. I lay in bed awake for the remaining night. The next morning he was gone before I woke up.

Three days after the incident I get a call from an unknown number and pick up to realise it's my ex. He's wailing hysterically and screaming over the phone, calling me a wh*re for 'seducing' his brother and that I ruined his family and his relationship with his brother and that I did a hideous thing for revenge which is wayy worse than what he did to me. There was a lot of name calling, accusations. Because his brother isn't talking to him and his dad refused to get involved. So he feels completely abandoned. I didn't say a word and hung up, shaking.

Turns out Dan had left that very night and called Chad cussing him out for ruining his chances with me, telling him he always had a thing for me and knew Chad didn't deserve me.

So, AITAH for seducing/leading on my ex's older brother ?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: You’re not the AH he was pursuing you with the intent to date or hook up. That’s why he brought the wine and drove. It was an excuse to stay.

I think he perused you taking advantage of the situation and your sympathy. I suggest avoiding this entire family. They don’t seem to make the best choices or handle relationships/friendships well.

OOP: The car thing was definitely a sign. Tbh I feel kinda stupid for not gauging this earlier.

Commenter 2: So let me get this straight. One brother verbally and mentally abused you, the other brother sexually assaulted you, then the first brother called and verbally abused you some more and you want to know if you're the AH ? Really ? Block these 2 douchbags. They don't deserve another second of your thoughts

OOP: The ex has been blocked since eons. The other one is blocked now. I'm really not letting anyone from that family have any access to me moving forward.

Commenter 3: NTA

Neither brother is good for you. One is insecure and controlling and the other is manipulative.

The brother set the whole thing up to pressure you into letting him stay the night and wanted to at least hook up with you. From the sounds of it, he’s been hoping/planning for this for years and he finally had the opportunity to put his plan into action.

Time to make it clear to the local one the only relationship you will willingly have with him is a friendship. Keep blocking the ex. It sucks that neither of them appear to care about your feelings.

Additional Information from OOP after reading comments

OOP: Thank you everyone for being so understanding. I am going to have a proper conversation with the friend who's a common link, sometime today or tomorrow. As for staying friends with Dan, HELL NO! I'm done with their family for good.

Update: April 28, 2025 (a bit more than three weeks later)

Firstly, apologies for taking so long to post an update. I honestly had no intention of posting one, but then things kept unfolding on the daily and we are close to a month later, now.

Secondly, thank you to everyone who has been super supportive and understanding, your words really helped me. This past month has been nothing short of a fever dream and this post is going to be LONGGG! So, let's begin.

Ever since the night of the incident and the phone call from the ex, things had been fairly normal. I blocked the entire family, and as mentioned earlier decided to meet the common friend to tell her of the entire scenario. We met and I narrated everything that went down during the couple of weeks when she wasn't here. Here's what she had to say - Apparently Dan had spoken to her about me, asking her if she sensed a spark between us and going as far as telling her that he always felt 'I' had a thing for him when I dated his brother. I was dumbfounded to say the least. Anyway, she apparently asked him to not imagine stuff and be normal and process his breakup. NGL, I was kinda pissed at her for not telling me and also being rather lackadaisical about the whole situation even after I told her what went down. She just asked me to get over it and not engage. Literally, just that much. I have decided to keep my distance for now.

Now, from mid April is when things really start snowballing. So, I live in a rented condo, in a gated apartment building. While I don't have the authority to install cameras or change the locks, I did add some extra lock and informed building security to not let Dan in anymore, or if anyone comes to visit me, to give me a call before letting them up. I thought that'd be it, but gosh, was I wrong.

At around 2 am on the 12th of this month, I wake up to my phone buzzing incessantly, being bombarded with calls and messages. There are over a 100 calls from an unknown no. And some 5-6 calls from the building security. I call them back and can clearly hear a ruckus in the background, they ask me to come down immediately.

Once down, what do I see? Dan is drunk out of his mind, SCREAMING and hurling expletives, asking to be let up. I was terrified and stumped tbh. Once Dan notices me, he literally lunges towards me , repeatedly saying he wants to talk. By this time more people have gathered, additional security has been called and they try to drag Dan away when he punches one of the guards. He's then literally thrown outside.

I apologize to everyone, especially the guard and offer to pay for his injury, just trying to diffuse the situation, in some sort of a daze. It wasn't until I got into the elevator, that I broke down. It was a mix of anger, fear and helplessness and I was genuinely scared, because Dan is a big guy and if I were to face him alone, I wouldn't be able to fight him off physically.

But as they say, bad luck comes in threes and there was more. The next morning I get a call from my landlord asking me to leave my apartment within the next two weeks. I was devastated, this was my space, a home I'd made for myself and now I was being kicked out for no fault of mine. I explained the situation and while he sympathized, he said the actual residents of the building don't want someone who attracts violence and drama and has questionable character. Ofc.

After an extremely shitty last night and morning, I managed to drag myself to work somehow and pushed through the day, I just wanted to get home, stay in bed and cry. So, I chose to leave early and go home.

You know how you can sense if someone's following you or watching you ? I felt that while walking from my office to the subway and just as I was about to enter the station, Someone grabs my hand and pulls me aside. It's Dan and I kinda freeze. He again keeps muttering that he wants to talk, he's very clearly on something and looks kind of manic. His grip is extremely tight and he's going on about how his family isn't talking to him and I'm the only person he can count on.

At this point there are a few things running through my mind - this particular entry gate is a deserted one (it's the closest to my office, but it's the least used gate, surrounded by trees and kinda nothing) It's late afternoon and the vv few shops around this gate is closed, because siesta/summer nap time. I just need to somehow escape and then head straight to the cops. Dan noticed me zoning out and made some innuendo laden comment and touched my face. I think something snapped in me then and I screamed bloody murder, I SCREAMED, think angry monkey and stomped on his foot and ran down the stairs to the subway station and got onto the train that just came in. It went in the opposite direction of my home but I didn't care. I called a couple of friends who knew about the situation and asked them to accompany me to the police station.

The police station, Ha! I narrate the incident, show the bruise on my wrist and tell them everything. Things they chose to hear/see - ex's brother, I - a woman let him into my home multiple times, alcohol involved, he didn't technically hurt me, I live alone, I have tattoos, this guy was my friend. So, I should probably try and amicably sort things out. Since there was no bloodshed or harassment that led to anything, they won't lodge an official complaint or arrest him, but they can make a general complaint and look into it if things escalate. I am literally holding in my tears at this point.

I call Dan's father, tell him about his son, tell him I've lodged a complaint against his son. This man dodges all responsibility , tells me, we are all adults and are allowed to do what feels right. I swear I could shoot this family.

So, I've lost my home, this man is lurking around harassing me, making my workplace unsafe too, the cops aren't doing shit, his family isn't doing shit, I don't want to bother mine. All I have is the copy of a general complaint. I felt helpless, but I had to do something.

I looked up Dan's manager (who I knew hated him) HR and dept. Head at his workplace and sent them a scathing email, attaching the copy of the complaint, a few of my close friends started commenting on the company's LinkedIn posts and took to Google reviews about the company hiring predators. A couple of my guy friends shared the same information with his landlord, who happens to have a daughter.

And lastly, I told the super gossipy, scheming aunt in their family (connected on facebook) what happened, with some added spice. The fact that his holier than thou Dad is the crux of family gossip over his son's activities is definitely not doing him any good.

Last I know, Dan has been fired, asked to leave his apartment. Dan is terrible with money and has very questionable work ethic and as a result of everything has been forced to leave the city and go back home.

I have changed my personal phone number, gotten a new place and will move soon!!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: If you have a lease, can your landlord insist on you leaving within 2 weeks?

OOP: Yes, the building corporation laws supercede the rental contract. It's a whole thing, even if it didn't the law here doesn't really care about things like this.

Commenter 2: Why the hell did the building security ask you to come down, when there is a nutter screaming and shouting?

OOP: I'm not a resident, I'm a tenant. So I don't directly contribute to their salary. So who tf cares ?

Commenter 3: Sorry that you lost your apartment. This is the nightmare every woman hopes won't end in something worse. Glad you got revenge on the AH though. Keep safe out there.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: Addressing a couple of recurring queries and comments:

1. The apartment issue - here, in this country landlords hold all the power. All rental contracts have a clause where either party can leave the premises with a notice of a mutually decided period of time, which is two weeks in my case. Could I have taken a legal route ? Maybe, but the process would be extremely tedious, expensive and long drawn and with a high probability that I'd be harassed even more by the authorities. As for the financial brunt of it, fortunately my work pays for my accomodation and they helped me out. I have informed people there of the situation and fortunately they were extremely helpful. Our company's HR head has shared Dan's profile across her network/connections across the city asking them to not hire him. She's been in the industry for very long and is extremely revered. She's been like a fairy godmother in all of this.

2. The behaviour of the police that I mentioned, is extremely common in my country and unfortunately there aren't enough and easily accessible groups, authorities or non profits that take a stand against the police. There are loads of political loopholes and you don't want to have a target on your back. Sexism and misogyny is extremely deep rooted - the kind of people who'll accuse a woman for staying out late or taking a deserted way home , if they happen to be harassed or assaulted.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Raging-ball-of-fury

I’m either adopted or was switched at birth.

Originally posted to r/AncestryDNA

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post - wayback Apr 1, 2025

I haven’t told anyone but my brother and a cousin about this yet because I might be paranoid?

Story is this:

My maternal grandmother was the first generation to be born in Mexico since her parents came from Okinawa, Japan. My maternal grandfather is black (I don’t know where his paternal family came from) and native to Mexico on his mother’s side.

My paternal grandparents were born in England and grew up in Spain but eventually ended up in Mexico (long story) where my dad was born.

I was born and raised in Mexico, I knew I was indigenous but always believed I was mostly European and Japanese. I am white and a ginger (I die my hair brown tho because of bullying but that’s another story), my friends would even call me “el chino” growing up because they said I looked “Chinese”or “Korean.” So I had never really doubted my ethnicity or my origins.

Anyway, my brother and I took an ancestry and we just got our results back. We share Spanish and Indigenous American blood but he is like 20% Japanese and I got nothing. Not even 1%. I didn’t get any percentage for Ireland and England either but he did.

I am mostly indigenous over 70% and our results say we are not a match… like we are not related at all…

I compared then my results with a cousin on my dad’s side and same thing. It says we are not a match, the only match we got was our grandparents’ names on our family trees. But I am not related to her…..

So yeah, I don’t know if this could be an error or a glitch or something??? Or if it’s possible to not have Japanese and English percentages at all and still be part of my family somehow???? Idk this is the first time I ever take an ancestry test, I might be looking at the wrong places.

I’m not complaining about being mostly Indigenous, I’ve always been proud of being native to these lands. I am just confused as to how I didn’t inherit any Japanese or English blood if my parents’ families came to Mexico not long ago, and how I’m supposedly not related to my own family??? Is it really possible that I was adopted or switched at birth, because oh my gosh where’s the real me then??????

Note: I’ve attached some screenshots with my results and my brother and cousin’s profiles saying we are not a match. I didn’t post their results because I didn’t get their consent to do so. I got consent for posting a picture of me and my brother tho. I think we look alike a lot, i don’t know how we are not related???

Last 2 pictures is just me for reference.

EDITORS NOTE: unable to recover the pictures

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dnairanian

You definitely need to talk to your parents about this. Did you tell your parents you took this test? Did they react at all? I definitely agree that you are either adopted or switched at birth or IVF baby.

Also was your brother English and African as expected or were his results off as well?

OOP

My brother was English, Irish, Japanese, Nigerian, Native to Mexico and Spaniard.

My parents knew about the testing thing because I sent my brother the testing kit to their house and my mom was the one who picked it up. She was excited about knowing our results and my dad even asked me why didn’t I get him a test too. Him and my mom just asked me again yesterday, I told him about my results but not about me not being related to them. They didn’t seem to be suspicious or anything.

~

Spiritual-Can2604

I think switched at birth. You’ve got to get this sorted out. I’m sorry you’re going through this. The nurses saw you probably looked very Asian at birth and got you mixed up w the actual Asian baby bc in their minds how many Asian babies are there being born in Mexican hospitals at one time. They probably weren’t careful.

OOP

Now that would make sense, I consider it a huge possibility. I don’t think I would mind as much being other people’s biological child though, I’m a grown up person with my own family. I think I’m more worried about my parents not knowing where their real baby is, that is if I was really switched at birth and this wasn’t a lab mistake. I don’t wanna know how news like this would affect them.

~

Jenikovista

Could also be a donated embryo (IVF).

OOP

Could be but I find it unlikely, I think I wrote it on another reply before, I am the 5th child out of 6 children my parents had. The kid on the picture with me is my baby brother, he was born 2 years after me. I don’t think my mother had any reproductive issues or even the money to pay for a procedure like that. Although I think I’d rather be a donated embryo than a changeling.

Update Apr 28, 2025

Update on the update about “I was either adopted or switched at birth.”

I couldn’t edit the original post so I’m making a new one.

My mother saw my previous post, she is a member of this sub, I didn’t even know she had a Reddit account. I would like to apologise to her and my family for coming to Reddit before telling any of them and for posting screenshots of her results without consent.

Neither of my parents have any idea how this messed up situation happened, we had a long conversation about all of this and are currently in contact with a search angel in the hopes we find some answers and hopefully the real me (their lost child).

I meant to get some advice here before telling my family about this but life had other plans and they now know. I only posted here to vent and to get an idea on how I should break the news to them, I was never planning on hiding it from my family.

お母さん、心から謝罪する、許してください。

RELEVANT COMMENTS

publiusvaleri_us

Did you ever talk to your classmate who has the same birth date? That would be interesting if they were to take a DNA test.

OOP

I did message him but he hasn’t replied, it’s been over 15 years since I last talked to him, he doesn’t have any recent posts and I was thinking maybe he lost the password for that Facebook account or something? I don’t have any other way to contact him but I’m still looking for profiles to see if he made a new one or something, there are just too many guys named “Kevin” in our hometown.

viv-heart

Reach out to your old classmates - somebody might have his phone number

OOP

I was trying to look for my old classmates too, no luck. He was the only one I had added because he was my buddy back then. I’m terrible with names and it’s also been over a decade, for some of my classmates I only remember last names and for others nick names or first names. I will keep working on that though!

~

torulosa

From my understanding OP doesn’t yet know who their bio parents are, they didn’t have any really close DNA matches and still need help to work it out?

OOP

Yes, but my matches are 5% or less and I can’t contact them because they won’t answer my messages. I’m not exactly sure 100% either how search angels work, if I did I wouldn’t be needing one and I’d do the job myself. But what I get from my chat with them is that they have experience in building family trees based on DNA matches and public records, I was also told they have sometimes had to get court orders to unseal original birth records and stuff.

I hope my explanation makes sense, sorry I don’t have all the information. I am learning as we go.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/my_mom_is_entitled

Originally posted to r/entitledparents

EM is forcing me to marry me cousin to make her a us citizen + 5-year Update

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: abuse, infidelity, emotional manipulation, alcoholism, overdose, possible human trafficking

Original Post: April 29, 2020

I was going to post this on my main account before I came to my senses. This isn't really a throwaway but more an account ill use to share stories of my entitled family (mom)

Before you call bullshit and start joking around saying Sweet Home Alabama.

Believe me, I wish this was bulshit but unfortunately it's an actual situation I'm facing

We are Dominican, don't know if that changes everything.

I hate that song

I’m 20 and male, Cousin is 19 and female

Spanish was my first language

I have a third cousin in Dominican Republic, they are not well off in that country and her mom is a little neglectful, at this point it feels like my mom cares more about her than me but whatever, she deserves it. She's a good kid who does well in school and wants to move to the US to go to nursing school, she can't however because she isn't a legal citizen.

My mom decided that it would be the best plan for me to go to the Dominican Republic in June or July and marry my third cousin...... To make her legal..... She brought this up a few years ago but I thought she was was joking, apparently she wasn't because recently she brought this plan up again but she actually talking about how she already booked flights for the Dominican Republic and shit.

WTF!?

I'm in a relationship already and my mom literally told me that she doesn't give a fuck about my personal life, all she cares about is going to Dominican Republic and forcing me to marry my cousin.

Thankfully, I talked about the plan with my significant other and they are supportive.

Due to the pandemic and not knowing if it's going to get worse, I think it's safe to say we are not flying out there and but my mom (for some reason) still acts like we are still going.

Basically, I marry her and stay married for a year then we divorce amicably, my mom Pockets any money that's made from this (if any)

When I try to downright refuse this, this was met with screaming, physical anger and threats to kick me out.

I'm afraid to go to any family members because I don't know what's going to happen.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: lol well that wont work she will have to wait 3 years before become legal also there are the fees.

Family Sponsorship Form (I-130) $535

Green Card Application Form (I-485) $1,140

the practice of obtaining residency through marriage is illegal in the United States if the marriage itself is fraudulent.

Commenter 2: Please don't do this, it's immigration fraud and you will be punished.

Commenter 3: You would be committing a felony. Do not due and tell your Mother to back off or you will turn her in for attempts at immigration fraud.

Commenter 4: You need to get away from your mother immediately. Being forced into any marriage against your will is never okay. Your mother also does not know what she is talking about. This will take much longer than a year, green card marriages require regular check-ins to confirm the marriage is real(so say goodbye to your current significant other for the duration) and any immigration is quite expensive.

She will pocket any money made off of this situation? How is she expecting to make money? You understand that if somehow she does, technically it will make your mother a human trafficker.

I want to stress again how much you need to get away. There is the terrible and controlling behavior of forcing you to marry, as well as pushing you into a scheme that could result in serious jail time for those involved and drastically harm the chances of your cousin being able to immigrate in the future.

On a sarcastic note: what’s your mother’s marriage status? Why doesn’t she marry the cousin herself?

EM is forcing me to marry me cousin to make her a us citizen UPDATE: April 28, 2025 (five years later)

I got to say it's a little surreal just watching YouTube and seeing my old post come up in one of those Reddit YouTube videos (yes, it was THAT guy)

It's been 5 years since I made this post and honestly, I was never planning on updating and I forgot about the account until I just saw this YouTube video and was really sympathizing with the writer.... until I realized that I AM the writer.

The original post is still up on my profile but to give a quick summary.

My mom has always been abusive both physically and mentally and has always been very controlling of my life despite me becoming an adult. Things reached a point that I never thought it would when my mom tried to force me to go to the Dominican Republic to marry my cousin so that we could bring her back to the United States so that she could start nursing school.

I logged into this account to see people messaging me for an update and people making up theories lol.

Some said i died, others said i married the cousin and got into legal trouble ect.

If I wrote in detail what has happened in the last years then this post would be a million correctors longs so here is a "Tl;Dr"

Broke up with the girlfriend I was dating in the first story after I found out she was cheating on me.

I never ended up marrying the cousin because i avoided renewing my passport and my mom found another person (in the us) that she was going to try to force me to marry and that fell through as well.

I ended up summoning the strength to start standing up to my mom and she kicked me out of the house summer of 2021.

I ended up moving in with another family member and I turned to drugs and alcohol to help me cope and I overdosed in December of 2021 at age 21 but thankfully I survived. Me and my mom reconciled January of 2022 because of her entering counseling and my OD

I ended up moving back in with my mother so that she could care for me while I got better and she ended up having another freak out and kicked me out again August of 2022 and I ended up having to move to a different state with a discord friend because my mom physically attacked me.

I left all my possessions and everything I knew and loved behind and I was utterly miserable in this new state. No money to my name, and i went days at a time without eating and >! tried to take my own life!< I survived and started working my ass off and found a job.

I then found another unhealthy vice and started my hook ups phase in this new state and ended up dating someone who turned out to be the 2nd most toxic woman imaginable and I'm also a dumbass who doesn't seem to be able to learn their lesson I moved in with my mother yet again in January of 2023.

But this time things actually seem to go Fairly normal for a while (since my mom realized she could use me for money and id let her cuz i was a sucker) I started a career and started making money. Broke up with my now long distance girlfriend and after the breakup she accused me of cheating on her but turns out she's the one that was cheating.

I "swore off relationships for good" and got close to a girl that also "swore off relationships for good" and yup, we ended up dating lol. We celebrated our one year anniversary and after yet another freak out by my mom in January of 2025 (because my girlfriend gave me the reality check to stop letting her use me), me and my girlfriend made the plans to move in together and as of April of 2025 me and her are now living together and I am 800 miles away from my mother and barely call her.

Me and my mom are cordial because I still want contact with my little sister but I only call my mom on my terms and anytime she starts acting entitled to me I cut her off and threaten to go no contact.

I'm now living a peaceful life that I never thought I'd be living before, I'm living with the love of my life and I'm planning on proposing to her soon, I'm being flown all over the country thanks to my career and my partner's family have basically taken me in as one of their own.

I want to take a moment to say thank you to everyone who read and replied to my old post. You guys truly helped me put a lot of things to perspective and it helped me realize what a messed up situation I was living in.

I have tons of stories from events that have happened over the use and stories from my career as a touring musician so lmk if you guys wanna hear some. feels kind of therapeutic writing these.

Thank you guys

Top Comments

Commenter 1: The best ending

Commenter 2: If you had agreed to this fraudulent marriage, your life would have gone to shit too, because that's a federal felony and you would have been found out. Glad your life is back on track now.

Commenter 3: I’m sorry you went through so much but it sounds like your partner is a huge help to you and helps you remember your mom can’t be trusted. I wish you guys all the best! May your future be as bright as your beginning was crummy.

(Also, btdt with that same channel. I knew he’d done my post as he’d featured it when it was pretty fresh, but it’d been a few years since then. I had a playlist on in the background and when the first sentence was read, I was like, “oh hey, this is similar to my story! Neat!” Then a second later, “wait, this is my story!” Gave me a chuckle.)

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/notmyidentity

I'm[28M] a somewhat popular YouTuber. My wife[27F] deleted my recordings because she has never seen my crying and I'm unemotional.

TRIGGER WARNING: death of a pet, talk of physical violence, verbal abuse

Original Post Jan 7, 2015

First of all, please don't ask me who I am and my YouTube alias. I want to keep this anonymous.

Ann and I have been married for 9 months, we've been together for 3 years. Our relationship has been pretty smooth, and I love her to bits. However, we have a big personality clash. We've lived with it in the past but its affected her more than it has affected me. I'm more of a 'keep it all in' guy and I prefer to deal with my issues by myself. She on the other hand, talks about her issues with me, and we work through them together. I've always been a little "cold", maybe steely is a better word. I'm not too emotional, not that its a good or bad thing, its just the way I am.

My wife and I were forced to put down our dog recently. He was my dog before we met but he became a big part of our family. She loved the hell out of that dog, and I did too. When I lived abroad for a year, he kept her company and she was very close to him. So, we came back from the vet, and she was crying all the way. I was feeling really sad but I wasn't really showing it. She asked why I wasn't feeling sad, I told her I was. She started screaming at me for not having feelings, me being inhuman, me being cold, and her being scared of me for that. I told her that I cannot force myself to cry and I was feeling terrible inside.

We get home and she went off about I'm barely human and I'm basically an automaton. She then went on and on about how she has never seen me cry. Not when we had broken up 1 and a half years into our relationship, not when my mother died, not when I was leaving for a year to work abroad. I told her that me crying doesn't solve anything and she should quit bothering me. I went to bed.

Next morning, I wake up and decide to edit some videos I wanted to upload. I work from home and I have one main computer to work from. It has 3 hard drives. The first one is my OS drive the other two have recordings on them. I wake up to find the other two completely wiped. I freak out and irrationally think that it might have been some software or something. I try and see what the cause was, and I can't figure out anything. I had put in so much work recording these videos, so much effort had gone into them. I broke down. I had backed up only the recordings from 2 months ago. I'm sobbing hard and I just feel pathetic. I'd lost so much of my work and I couldn't figure out how. My wife then comes in, sees me. I tell her what happened. She tells me she did it. She wanted to see me cry and didn't know how else to make it happen. She's is happy she got to see that some part of me is human. She tells me it was healthy for me to let my emotions out. I swear to God, that's the first time I have ever wanted to hit her. I would have strangled her. I packed up a few things, laptop, phone, got in the car and told her that I'll call her when I am ready. I'm staying with a buddy of mine right now. And I need to figure this shit out. She was all apologetic and loving when I was leaving and was acting confused. I feel nothing but hatred towards her right now, but I need to be tactful in handling this situation right now. Help me figure it out ?

tl;dr: I'm a YouTuber. My wife deleted my recordings from the last 2 months because she had never seen me cry and wanted me to "let out my emotions". I kinda want to kill her right now. I want to know how to confront her.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

This is funny as hell, OP, but if it actually happened I would say that is grounds for a divorce, ESPECIALLY if you make a living from youtube. That's a really childish and stupid way to handle her perception that you lacked emotion.

OOP

I'm not kidding here. This is something terrible that's happened and it came out of the blue. I didn't expect her to do something as crazy as this.

~

ibby_be

This is all sorts of fucked up.

Sorry OP, but she went about this all the wrong way and acted like she was 13. Seems a bit sadistic. You two definitely need counseling to recover from this.

OOP

Right now, before I even think of saving my marriage, I want to know how to go about confronting her about this. I'm going to take a few days to cool off, because I'm mad to the point of physical violence right now. That's why I immediately left as soon as she told me.

anjufordinner

	If you would hit your wife over Youtube, and you're crying over YouTube more than you did your dog or mother, maybe you both are better off divorcing... Or someone who knows that is where your priorities lie and won't touch the work you do.

~

[deleted]

You confront her by saying "Do you have any feelings about a divorce? Go ahead, let them all out! It's healthy for you."

It's not about videos. It's about the absolutely ridiculous worldview she has. If you fall down and break your leg, will she keep hitting it until you show the amount of pain she feels is right? I wouldn't trust her with my property, my feelings, or my future. And if I can't trust my spouse, there's no point to the marriage

OOP

texted her

I received a text : "How're you feeling ?"

I'm pissed so I texted her : "Hey. Do you have any feelings about a divorce? Go ahead, let them all out! It's healthy for you".

Her response : "Baby I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to do that. Leo died and I guess it was just too hard on me. I love you so much and I know what I did was terrible. Please forgive me and come home. I miss you. Let's just talk this through."

Leo was our dog

Another text : "Please don't do anything rash. We just got married. Why divorce ? We have our entire lives ahead of us. Please don't let one mistake of mine ruin that future. I love you. I'm sorry. Please come home. Or at least tell me where you are."

Update Jan 12, 2015 (5 days later)

A LOT has happened. I'm not going to cover all the events of the past few days, but here's the most important stuff.

Data - I had a friend hook me up to a local store that specialises in this. Proper recovery is expensive but they said that since no data is rewritten, its possible. Waiting to hear from them tomorrow.

Divorce - I decided that I'm not going to ask for a divorce. What happened was bad, but not divorce-worthy. I want to give this a chance.

Wife - I went back to her. She was crying. It looked like she had been for a long time. I went in and she hugged me and cried even more, apologising profusely. When she got a little more stable, we talked. She started by saying that she understood how badly she fucked up. She said that I am well warranted to ask for a divorce. However, she said that she will never pull shit like this again and that she doesn't want to spend the rest of her life in regret. She begged me for one last chance. Having had a wonderful relationship before this, I decided that I wanted to give her another chance. I asked her to explain why she did what she did. She said that, first, Leo's death really got to her. Second, she confessed that she always felt like the weaker one in the relationship. She felt completely alone when she cried. I made a mental note to comfort her better when she's a little emotional. But she said that she understood right now. And she said that she felt terrible to engage in such power play, and that she understood that we're just different people. She told me she really regretted her actions and wanted one chance to make it up to me.

Thanks for your help and suggestions.

NOTE : The comments I made in the previous post - well, I was PISSED, really really angry, and also drunk. I thought about matters the next day and then took action.

I can't believe I forgot to put this in. Marriage Counselling - We're getting an appointment to get through this issue.

tl;dr: confronted wife rationally and we talked about the issue.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Ok-Hospital1153 in r/advice and r/CollegeRant. Credit to u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for finding this one.

trigger warnings: Abuse of authority

Professor has been secretly docking points anytime he sees someone’s phone out. Dozens of us are now at risk of failing just because we kept our phones on our desk, and I might lose the job I have lined up for when I graduate. Also posted to CollegeRant April 12 2025

My professor recently revealed that he’s been docking points any time he sees anyone with their cell phone out during the lecture–even if it's just lying on their desk and they’re not using it. He’s docked more than 20 points from me alone, and I don’t even text during lectures. I just keep my phone, face down, on my desk out of habit. It's late in the semester and I'm at risk of failing this class, having to pay thousands of dollars that I can’t afford for another semester, and lose the job I have lined up for when I graduate.

I talked to him and he just smiled and referred me to a single sentence buried in the five-page syllabus that says “cell phones should not be visible during lectures.” He’s never called attention to it, or said anything about the rule. He looked so smug, like he’d just won a court case instead of just screwing a random struggling college kid with a contrived loophole.

So far I’ve (1) tried speaking to the professor, (2) tried submitting a complaint through my school’s grade appeal system. It was denied without explanation and there doesn’t seem to be a way to appeal, and (3) tried speaking with the department head, but he didn’t seem to care - literally just said “that’s why it’s important to read the syllabus.”

I feel like I’m out of options and I don't know what to do.

Some comments and replies for additional context

[Commentator] He might just be trying to scare you and has no intention of actually deducting the points. Have you spoke to anyone that previously took his class?

OP:

Yes actually. It came to light that this is a trap he pulls some semesters. Some people knew about it through word of mouth and were careful. I just didn't get the memo. Neither did a bunch of other kids in my class, and we're all in shock. He's serious about docking the points.

[Commentator 2] Did the syllabus even say anything about docking points for it?

I looked. The syllabus says he retains discretion to adjust anyone's grade in light of any infraction.

EDIT: to clarify, unfortunately the “infraction” is referring to having your phone out as well as a number of other things listed in the same paragraph (like not doing the readings, etc.). To me, it just read like a boiler plate paragraph in the middle of a long syllabus. I never thought he’d enforce it so rigidly and harshly, so I didn’t even register that just having my phone on my desk could have even been an “infraction”

[Commentator 3 in reply to a deleted comment] Professor here. Nah, go see thr dean in person, and encourage others to go as well.

Professor here. Nah, go see thr dean in person, and encourage others to go as well.

I’ve tried. There’s no ability to meet in person with the dean. The department head is as high as I can just walk in and meet with as far as I can tell.

UPDATE: April 26 2025 Post was removed but recovered by DC

I couldn't believe how much my original post blew up, and I implemented much of the advice I got. Now I'm at a crossroads.

Background: The original post is here. For those who didn’t see it, the TLDR is that my professor was secretly docking points from students any time their phone was visible during class, based on a single sentence buried in the syllabus. I just had my phone resting on my desk facedown (not using it) and he docked more than 20 points from me because it was "visible." The consensus here was to escalate the issue, and the advice I got was great. Things were on track until yesterday. Here’s the update:

Update: After I read everyone’s feedback, I emailed the dean and the school newspaper. No response. I know that at least two other students in my class tried emailing the dean as well, without any luck. But I ran the math and I’m guaranteed to fail the class if the deductions stand. I have nothing to lose.

So I wrote a petition. No one has taken this seriously coming from us individually, so I think it’s important to show that it’s not just a couple disgruntled college kids whining about a bad grade. My plan, if I can get signatures, is to send the petition to the dean and school newspaper.

I hit a small snag when I reached out to five classmates that I trust about signing the petition to get the ball rolling. They all thought it was a great idea …but didn’t feel comfortable being the first people to sign. So to get around that, someone in the last thread suggested using a website (bopetition.com) that lets me make it so that signatures start out anonymous, but then un-anonymize when enough other people sign. That way no one has to be the “first” person to sign.

But here’s where I hit a major snag–yesterday, as I was getting ready to send the petition out, my professor sent us all an email attaching an “Amended Syllabus.” The amended syllabus is exactly the same except now has a paragraph which says: “All grade disputes must be raised exclusively through [grade appeal system]. Any attempt to dispute a grade through alternative channels, including but not limited to direct outreach to faculty other than [professor’s name] will result in an automatic failing final grade of zero percent, without exception.”

Welp. I thought that was the end of it. No one would be interested in signing after that.

Surprisingly, three of the people I spoke with independently messaged me asking if I was still going through with the petition, and promised that they would sign if I did. They’re PISSED. They think this new policy is retaliatory. And then, three OTHER people I hadn’t even talked to about this reached out and said they heard that I was planning to send a petition, and would sign if I sent it. They think a bunch of others would too. They wouldn’t tell me who they heard about the petition from, but the cats are out of the bag now. I'm not sure exactly how many others have had their grade docked because of the phone policy, but from asking around it seems like at least half the class had some kind of deduction.

Now I have to decide how to proceed in light of the update to the syllabus. I’m considering going through with the petition, but having the app make it fully anonymous so we have some plausible deniability. The final result would only say that ## out of the 50 people in the class signed, but not who

[Relevant Comment Chain]

[Commentator 1] Okay so I’ve been teaching in higher ed for about 10 years now and it seems to me like this professor is trying to get out of actually doing his job? It’s unethical as hell to be playing with people’s lives and docking points without having been upfront about it. That’s just not the kind of thing I would ever do, but the biggest red flag for me is that we’re basically at the end of the semester which means he’s anticipating a bunch of people trying to dispute the grades at once. If he can give a bunch of you a failing grade because of a policy like this, he doesn’t have to sit down and actually do much grading then.

That’s the impression I’m getting, but I do also want to tell you that I didn’t see this as “whining”. GPAs can really affect your ability to engage in some forms of professional development. I got a bad grade in one class during my undergrad and my GPA never recovered. I had to explain why my GPA was under a 3.0 when I applied to grad school because of it so I have always taken grading really seriously. I’m sorry this jerk hasn’t.

[Commentator 2] OP has gotten dragged in every other sub they've posted in, so I'm glad another person in higher ed agrees with him. I've been teaching in higher ed FT for about 10 years, and been adjuncting or student teaching since 2006. In my experience, a policy like this absolutely would not fly, especially considering how vague the penalties were. Hell, we've been told not to even restrict technology in our classes because so many students have accommodations for note taking software, recording lectures, etc. Allowing a student to use their accommodations while no one else has them essentially outs them as having accommodations.

This new policy the professor is trying to implement is clearly retaliatory. I've seen professors disciplined over crap like this too. He's trying to make the students too afraid to question him and it's a complete abuse of his authority.

OP

Thanks for this, lol. I was surprised by how rule and punishment oriented the college subs are.

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

STATUS: Marked as concluded as user is deleted.

CONTENT WARNINGS: Sexual Abuse, Grooming

MOOD WARNINGS: Infuriating in the comments AITAH For Refusing to met the Biological Child I Do Not Claim - Posted March 13th 2025

When I (28M) was 16 I was groomed later SAed (by today's standards) by my manger 23F at the time. She had gotten pregnant. Now that child has reached out to me. It has gotten to the point that they are stalking me online. The mother contacted my girlfriend who is rightfully upset. It feels like they took away our safety. I have become paranoid in public. Everyone that I talked to about this including my boss since he noticed my work has been slacking, has told me that I own this child a meeting. That every child has the right to know who their parents are. I disagree. I wanted nothing to do with that child when I was 16 and still do not want to be involved. My girlfriend thinks if I met him all this would be over. I think they will want more from me. I feel like this makes me an AH since I also never financially provided and most likely won't. I want this to stop.

Update: To start I was not and still am not on the right headspace to revisit trauma that occurred 12 years ago. I also know that there are freaks who only want more details about the SA/Rape to wank off to.

To clarify I grew up in a Catholic household the 4th child out of 12. Being born a male meant at 16 it was required by my parents that I get a job to help financially put food on the table. At 16 we (siblings) were taught "abstinence until marriage". That any sexual act violates our body and breaks the trust and bond towards our future spouse in the eyes of God (which is why I never proposed to my girlfriend). We were never taught to not trust adults. Our parents failed to teach us consent, power dynamics, and grooming tactics. I was a prime target.

The grooming started with attention I liked as I didn't get it from home. Positive affirmations about my work. Soon there were friendly lunches. I mean to me at 16 we were "friends" eating lunch together. Nothing strange. She gifted me clothing that is when I felt uncomfortable. The clothes stayed in my closet until one of my siblings started wearing them. Nobody in my household questioned where the clothes came from. I tried to make excuses as to why I couldn't be alone with her, "I have too much work right now." Eventually she called me into her office and asked if I knew the age of consent. I didn't. 16 is the answer. She admitted to being attracted to me. That if I was to keep being a man and providing for my family I would do as she instructed. I didn't say no or fight back. I was scared of losing my job. I was terrified of my parents finding out. I blamed myself for having my virginity stolen.

We now know that cases of SA and rape are difficult to prosecute. The victim's testimony is what matters the most. I was a male so I had that against me. I didn't fight back or say no. Clearly that means I wanted it, right? I wanted to brag to my peers ( what peers? My siblings? Other children that attended the church?) about bagging some hot 23 year old that I worked for? Society 12 years ago viewed male victims differently than they do now.

The guilt of sinning had eaten at me. I went to confession and told everything. I was told by the church to remain hushed. I was silent for 12 years. Now my parents know and they resent me for denying them a relationship with their grandchild. My siblings want to stay away from their children. I asked my girlfriend for space so she isn't a casualty in my shit trauma. My boss reached out and apologized for what he had said in the moment. He thought about it and realized that he may have negativity affected me. He also offered to pay for my mental health care at the really nice facility he found that specializes in rape trauma. He reassured me that my job with his company is secured. I may take his offer. Reading some of these comments I realized that I am not okay.

I also reached out to my cousin's wife (divorce lawyer) she says if I take any legal action the outcome may not be what anyone wants. The word would get out and that child will also be known as having a child rapist for a mother along with a dad who left them. She is preparing medical records to send over and a verbal warning about the online stalking. I don't know who is behind the screen. A tech savvy 11-12 year old wanting answers or her using this opportunity to victimize me again. Either way no matter what I choose I will be considered an AH with trauma and that child will have some sort of trauma as well.

TOP COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

OP, this comment section is a mixed bag.

Here's my take: Lockdown your entire online persona.

Every single account. Set them all to private/friends only. Comb through your friends list and followers, remove anyone you do not know personally.

You want to have your entire online presence be that of a silhouette. There, but difficult to see the details of.

Make it as hard as possible for them to see any details about you, except for your name.

I remember how it felt.

Edit: Thank you for the awards and upvotes, everyone!

BOTTOM COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

Legally. Nope Morally. Kinda the AH Ethically. YTAH. She has destroyed two lives. The child is looking for guidance into becoming a man.

You don’t have to bond with him. Do need to get a medical history put together. For the purpose of questions later in life. Also you would not have to worry about future interactions.

Have they contacted your parents?!

This is a tough one. My suggestion is to FaceTime the first meeting gauge from there. Video call can be terminated quickly.

Wish you luck dude.

Update: Refuse to Meet Child I don't Claim - Posted April 22nd 2025

https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/BGHbZf7523

The support I have received on my post was overwhelming. To find out that this post has been shared to FB, TikTok, and other media sites has me feeling so grateful. No words can describe how the comments helped heal that damaged 16 year old. I had read some of the most beautiful replies from a variety of individuals. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, expressing how much they wished they could have hugged and comforted me, since my parents and other adults in my life had failed me. Victims/survivors sharing their experience and relating to how I felt offering comfort and advice. To lawyers explaining what steps I can take legally to protect myself. I have no words to describe the gratitude. Thank you everyone for the support.

The most important part of this update is yes the mandatory DNA test confirmed that child is biologically mine. Since another man had legally adopted him, I am not obligated to pay child support. I also have a cease and desist order in place. My lawyer handed over my medical history.

As for my personal life I had more downs than ups. Starting with having to check out of the facility so the company I work for doesn't fall behind. The temp that was hired cannot keep up with the workload and the option was to take my job back or be hired to a different position for the company at a later date. I still attend therapy sessions and found a therapist that I trust.

My girlfriend is now an ex. She ended the relationship since she couldn't watch me self destruck. I don't blame her. She is doing well and her new boyfriend treats her great. I wish them the best.

Since she left I was able to downgrade my two bedroom to a one bedroom. The apartment manager was very helpful and understanding. He even waived the pet fee since I also got a dog. She was found around the office and became the office dog before I took her home. We named her Tuna Can and she is always welcome at the office for work. I am happy to have her as my companion.

This is the more rough part of the update. My mother took it upon herself to trick me into seeing her at a restaurant which she happened to invite the child to. I walked out. I made it clear in my letter that I sent with my medical history that I didn't want a relationship and listed my reasons. I explained that his existence is my trauma. I stated that I was not his dad and I choose not to be. The man who adopted him is and he's doing a great job. Since she did this I cut my parents from my life. I do not need toxicity while I work on my mental and spiritual health.

TOP COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

Your mom’s a real piece of work, you made the right choice cutting her out after that stunt.

Best of luck to you with navigating this situation

BOTTOM COMMENT - POSTED SAME DAY AS POST

I'm going to take a different approach. While your mom was a piece of work manipulating you into seeing your biological child, and while you may not want a relationship... Maybe your child does. Step father may be nice but you're bio dad.

How many TV shows are there where adult kids try to find the parent that gave them up just looking for answers. Maybe instead of cutting it off completely you go to therapy and consider how to address the child you gave up, and what happens if when they are older THEY seek you out.

Change your perspective and think of the kid a little.

POST HAS BEEN MARKED AS COMPLETED AS THE USER HAS BEEN DELETED.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/RichVictory2741

My new boyfriend follows Andrew Tate, should I worry?

No TWs

Original Post April 19, 2025

So I’ve been dating this guy (26m) for about a month now, and it’s starting to become serious between us. He is such a sweet guy, I haven’t noticed any red flags - and I’m normally very hyper vigilant to such.

The other night we were both scrolling through reels on our phones, and I see a couple of Andrew Tate videos pop up on his for you page. So I ask him if he likes Tate, he didn’t really give a straightforward answer - but while discussing, he says something like “Tate is kinda misunderstood, and if you watch his full discussions with women etc. you would view him in a different light” But idk, I must confess I don’t really know that much about him, but from what I’ve heard he’s basically a walking red flag.

I know my boyfriend likes boxing, and that’s probably partly why he’s interested. I should also mention that my bf was raised in a female dominated home and is a little mamas boy, and loves his sisters very much too! He’s never spoken disrespectfully about any women and is very gentle and mindful of me!

So should I be worried?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

luluzinhacs

INFO

how long have you met this guy for? honestly, saying a human trafficker and rapist is misunderstood is inexcusable in my eyes

....

but the thing is, you do NOT know your boyfriend

it baffles me you two are seriously dating after knowing each other for a month, but that aside, you need to realize that you can’t possibly know anyone in a period of time this short

OP, how old are you? I just realized you didn’t say and this could explain a lot

OOP

only known him for about a month, so not that long. He just really doesn’t seem like the type - and I should maybe clarify, that I don’t think he meant Tate himself was misunderstood but some of his viewpoint. From knowing my bf, I can’t imagine he would in any way agree to abuse of women.. it’s very confusing

...

That is true, and I know it has become serious very quickly! I am usually very hypersensitive to any warning signs when I start dating someone new, and quick to leave if - because of my past.. and he has been the first one I’ve felt comfortable and safe around in a long time:// So I really thought I picked right this time

~

Additional_Yak8332

Are you comfortable revealing your age? It might help us understand.

Also, check out limerence. It's where your relationship is right now - understandable but not realistic.

OOP

I’m 24:) that’s an interesting theory, I will do some more reading into it!

Update 1 April 22, 2025 (3 days later)

Posting it here as I couldn’t post in the sub

First of all I wanna thank everyone who messaged me! I promised some to give an update, and I also wanna clarify some misunderstandings in my last post!

English is my second language so some words were used in lack of better, like bf. It is still very unofficial between us, so ‘potential bf’ might have been the right word. Also a lot of you were hung up on the phrase “Tate is misunderstood”, i wanna clarify that I never said that he said those words exact - just that it was something like that.

I met with my (not) Bf Yesterday, and we had a long talk. I asked him what he meant about Tate being ‘misunderstood’ to which he said that “a big part of what we see is just media stunts and rage bait, but that he is not always that outrageous”, then he showed me some of the videos he’s watched. It was mostly about boxing and some motivational speeches about how a man can thrive in our society. I will confess that even though I don’t like Tate, some of his points did make a lot of sense.

We spoke about the allegations against Tate, and he said that he didn’t want to judge someone based on rumors - so I of course showed him the video you guys messaged me, of Tate being violent towards a woman. He was shocked by it and said “if that’s really him, then fuck Tate” We ended up talking about everything and nothing for hours, it was really nice!

Communication really was the key, and I’m glad I didn’t let some of the comments scare me away! The world isn’t black and white after all, and liking Tate might seem ignorant but it doesn’t necessarily equal to being a misogynist! I feel like I have learned a lot from this situation and I hope that by sharing it, it could benefit someone else!

Thanks again for all the advice and support!

RELEVANT COMMENTS

AssociateBusiness670

Yikes. I just want to say he knew that Tate had allegations and still thought that was a good person to take advice from. Good luck girl I’m sure you will need it! 😅

Edit: Actually this almost just screams it was written by a man because of the end paragraph… “liking Andrew tate doesn’t mean you are a misogynist…” when talking about supporting someone who beats and sex traffics women.. just odd if that’s real

~

Violetlemonbug

You've only been seeing this guy for a month. You do not really know him. I would tread VERY carefully if you are deciding to keep him in your life.

OOP

Trust me I am, and if I notice even the slightest bit of misogyny from HIM, he’ll get blocked immediately. Don’t care if we are 3 months or 5 years in

I know some will say that he’s already showing signs because of having seen some of Tates videos. But there’s also people driving teslas with stickers saying “f*** Elon”

So I’ll make the decision based on his actions and not his watchlist

Mini update in the comments (April 27, 2025)

OOP

So I think u all will be happy to know I’ve blocked him completely

Odd_Variation_8

What happened in between?

OOP

I saw some signs that I felt was a red flag, and I felt that was all I needed to see

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My mom (F48) is trying to force me (M17) to fly to another state and take a pre job drug test for my brother (22)

TRIGGER WARNING: emotional abuse and manipulation, child abuse, drug use

MOOD SPOILER: Depressing

Original Post Oct 2, 2015

To be honest I have done this in the past. I have taken pre hire drug tests for him. I hated doing it but I did it. We look enough alike on his DL that we pull it off and people at those clinics are more busy making sure you don't sneak something in your pants than with ID pic.

My brother asked me first cause he knew he was going to apply a couple of months ago. I said no and told him to get clean and he got pissed at me. Then got my mom to take his side and here we are.

I hate doing this cause I hate that I'm doing something illegal and I hate that my brother won't stop smoking weed long enough to get a good job. I have nothing against weed, I just don't smoke. I hate how lazy and irresponsible he is.

I would have to fly out and miss some school. But my mom is threatening to revoke my work permit. I work at a burger place part time. I love my job but I can only keep it if my GPA stays high and my mom and my guidance counselor sign a permission slip.

Don't want to do anything illegal anymore, don't want to keep bailing out my brother, I hate doing this period. My mom also threatened to kick me out of the house but I think that one is a bluff. I would have to fly out Sunday and I have a big chemistry test on Monday.

I feel like I have no way out, this sucks. Let me know if any good ideas come to mind to help me do the best thing.

tl:Dr my mother is strong arming me to take a drug test so my pot head brother can get a really good job.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mr_Julez

Just tell them you smoked weed.

OOP

Didn't think of this. My mom would probably drug test me to check cause we've been fighting over this. I should've thought of this sooner. Damn. Thanks this would have been genius.

i_fucked_Jenny_too

This looks like the best option, since she doesn't seem to give a shit if the other brother does it.

OOP

Nah she never cared he did anything. But if I get a B instead of an A all hell breaks loose. I get grounded, lose my laptop, and not TV and no friends. Doesn't seem balanced

OOP on how he has faked tests for the brother in the past

They never let me go alone. He always walks in with me to make sure I don't chicken out. Then when they call his name he puts a magazine over his face or just bends down and looks at his phone. Great idea though so thank you.

&

But can't I go to jail or suffer some legal consequences if I get caught trying? I don't want to loose my scholarships or even my acceptance to my future college.

OOP on how his mom can revoke his work permit

The high school I attend has to give you a work permit in order to get a part time job, or nobody will hire you without it. But the rules are that you have to maintain a high GPA, and your parents have to sign a consent form. Once you have all that your guidance counselor will give final approval. Those are the rules. So my mom can go to my counselor at any time and say she no longer contents to me working. She can say anything from behavior problems at home, to I need more time for homework and family, anything. That would be it. They revoke my work permit and I get fired.

Update Nov 22, 2015 (6 weeks later)

It didn't go too well for me. My mom dropped me at the airport. I didn't get on the plane. I just sat there when when they called for my plane to board. The airline lady asked me if I wanted to board cause she saw I was the only one left in the waiting area. I felt scared I'm not gonna lie. That was the hardest moment of my life by far. The shit hit the fan when my brother found out I wasn't getting off the plane that night he went to pick me up at the airport. My mom called and called until finally she just texted me to not come home.

I spent the night at the airport and I took the bus to school on that monday. I took my chemistry test and totally bombed it. I got a C and wish I go have a do over on that cause I know all that stuff. I don't know what happened there.

I got fired from my job cause my mom revoked my permission slip to work. I spoke to my boss but there was nothing he could do to keep me working for him. He said he respects me and that he would hire me when I'm 18 but nothing he can do now.

I don't live at home anymore I got kicked out. That whole thing is was bad. My self esteem is in the dumps cause I don't like staying at my friend's house where I stay now. Sometimes I think that all I had to do was take the stupid drug test and everything would be fine now.

Thanksgiving is coming and it's weird not having a place or a family to have that holiday with. I thought it would all blow over by now but it hasn't. My mom is more angry about this than I thought. She moved and rented another house so my old house is done. To me it makes a difference.

Honestly I would love to say hey I did the right thing and it's all good. But it's not that easy. I'm lost for now at least. I don't know how to move on without a home to go home to. I have to confess that I wish my mom would call me and tell me I was right. It's just not that easy to just leave your family behind.

So anyway. I don't know what else to say. I have my clothes, and my books, and my school stuff. I'll finish off the year. I'm wishing time will fly by and I can start college and just try to move on. Sometimes I feel like I made a mountain out of a mole hill. I fucked everything up. But I can't wait to have kids so I can help them do the right things without punishing them. That's the one thing I can know I will for sure do when I have kids. For now things suck and their hard. Being kind of homeless sucks. Staying at somebody else's house is not the same as having your own bed.

tl;dr: I didn't do it. I stay at my friend's house but it's not the greatest place ever. Life goes on.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

goldt33f

OP, you're going to look back on this event in a few years and be SO FUCKING PROUD of yourself for not having gone through with this illegal-as-fuck request from your mom and brother. Not only that, it is a blessing in a way because you know how little these people care about you (they literally couldn't give 2 fucking shits about you), and you don't need to feel bad or give a shit either.

You say that you wish time flew by so you could go to college, so I'm assuming that you ARE admitted somewhere and will be going. This will be a tough year for you, but I'm hoping college will be a helpful experience and that you can find support and good friends there. I promise, it will all get better!

OOP

I have been admitted to the school I want to go to. So the sooner that day comes the better for me and the easier things will be.

~

dinosaur_train

I've also been on my own since I was a teenager. While things suck ass, I promise, you are so much better off finding out the truth about your family now. It doesn't seem like it while you are a minor and vulnerable. But, trust me, it is true. This temporary hardship is miles better than years of bullshit which your mom would have hung around your neck.

In the meantime, perhaps you could see an attorney and find out what your rights are about suing for child support, for yourself, and being illegally evicted (if that's the case).

OOP

I dont' know. I can't afford an attorney and I don't think I want one either. As messed up as my mom is I have no desire to make things worse for her in the long run. I will handle whatever comes to me. I don't think she could handle what comes to her if I make legal trouble.

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My wife returned from a work retreat with a hickey. She swears it’s a bug bite but I’m not convinced. I’m at loss. How do I move forward?

OOP Originally posted to r/Marriage & r/relationship_advice

BoRU 1 BoRU 2 BoRU 3 BoRU 4

TRIGGER WARNING: infidelity, child neglect

MOOD SPOILER: grim

Thanks to u/funsizerads & u/Creepy_Addict for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/Bonanza86 u/Choice_Evidence83 & u/EyeGlad3032 for letting me know this updated

Original Post Feb 21, 2025

I’m (27M) in a fight with my wife (28F). We’ve had fights before but not this bad. I’m at a loss on how to proceed.

For context, we’re college sweethearts married for almost 6 years. We have a daughter (4F). Our relationship was never perfect or without challenges.

We’ve faced some family opposition with cultural differences, but we’ve made it work. She’s my first love and my best friend.

My wife works in corporate. Her job has annual work retreats that last for about a week. This year was in Vegas.

I usually arrange my work schedule and tag along with her, and we make our own trip out of it.

We couldn’t this year. Our daughter gets major anxiety traveling long distances. We’re working on it but she wasn’t budging, and we decided to choose our battles.

So I stood behind and held down the fort at home. The change of plans was a bummer because the trip was part of us reconnecting as both a couple and as a family.

My wife’s work hours have taken a toll, and her work/life balance leaves much to be desired.

We entertained the idea of her skipping the retreat. Attendance is optional, but it’s generally frowned upon if you don’t, and my wife’s making connections in her field.

She grew increasingly weird. We have a system if either of us is away for extended periods. We keep in contact.

For the first day or so, she was herself, but she grew distant. I’d even text her about important stuff and be left on read while she claimed she never saw my text.

Whenever we talked, she was rushing me or our daughter off the phone. These were all times she wasn’t involved in retreat activities.

We were supposed to have a mini birthday celebration for our daughter over FaceTime.

Our daughter was excited. It was something my wife promised her because the retreat overlapped her actual birthday.

But my wife backed out because she had people up to her room after a seminar.

It was like she wanted my permission to break her promise to our daughter. I told her I wasn’t offering that nor making her keep her word.

She said I wasn’t being fair, and this was a networking opportunity. They were business-oriented and wouldn’t understand her stepping away for family time.

I said her decision is her decision, but she’d have to explain it to our daughter. She promised her that she’d raincheck the following day.

Our daughter didn’t understand and cried. My wife ended up hanging up and leaving me to comfort our daughter alone.

That whole incident rubbed me the wrong way. I didn’t like it. She didn’t keep her word for the rain check either.

She was documenting the retreat on social media. One coworker (23M) was almost in every pic/video attached to her hip. In one pic he had his arm too comfortably around her imo.

He’s a recent hire in my wife’s department. She was asked to oversee him. I don’t like the guy. He doesn’t know boundaries.

Once, in response to a work assignment, he texted my wife that she’s exactly the kind of woman he needs to keep him in check.

My wife had brushed it off. She feels bad for him because he’s not fitting in. She took him under her wing during his first retreat with the team.

If I’d questioned, she’d say she was tired or networking. There was always something. But I’ve seen her at these retreats. This wasn’t like her. She was just off.

The day before her return home, she complained about a bruise on her neck. She stressed it was a bug bite.

I didn’t actually see the bruise until she came home. I instantly thought it was a full-on hickey.

She kinda brushed it off after making a big deal of it over the phone. I didn’t push because our daughter was present.

But when I was able to confront her, she clung to her bug bite claim. When I kept pushing, she asked what I was trying to imply.

I outright said I believed she had a hickey, and I didn’t believe she was being honest with me. We had it out then.

She was offended and pissed at the accusation. Infidelity has always been a sore topic. Her family has a history of infidelity.

So we had a pretty bad fight, and she accused me of looking to pick a fight due to the incident with our daughter’s birthday.

I told her it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with a hickey on her neck.

The fight ended in an impasse. We’re still not recovered. She swears it’s a bug bite. But I’m not convinced.

I’ve always trusted my wife. I never doubted her, but this bruise doesn’t look like a bug bite. It looks like a hickey.

I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the Vegas retreat.

Now she’s wearing turtlenecks ever since, and we’re caught between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection.

Communication usually prevails for us, but not now. I think my accusation pushed us to a new level of argument.

I’m at a loss here. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

futbol10fan

I’m not saying it’s impossible but I’ve never gotten a bug bite that looked like a hickey. Did she show you her phone or provide any proof that could support her innocence or just dismiss you? The extra affection is a common move from guilt-ridden cheaters. Even if we stretch the imagination and believe it is a big bite, she wasn’t acting trustworthy nor was she a good mother while the was in Vegas and she needs to address and correct that.

OOP

No, I haven’t had access to her phone. We usually have an open phone policy but it’s not something we’ve ever really done. I’m sure it’ll be another argument

~

Japetchy

Why did you go on work trips with her in the past? Did she want you to, or did you not want her to go alone. What is (and why is it necessary to have) the system when one of you is away? Whose idea was the FaceTime birthday celebration? Did she not talk to the daughter at all on her birthday or just couldn’t do the FaceTime celebration?

OOP

Work/life balance was an issue, so she’d invite me on the retreats. The system is for an extended periods away from each other like how long the retreat was. Especially since we have a child now

The birthday FaceTime was my wife’s idea. She promised our daughter and got her excited about it. No, she didn’t talk with our daughter until she was calling to cancel. That’s another reason the birthday stunt rubbed me the wrong way

OOP responding to a deleted comment

Yeah, you don’t get to disconnect from being a parent, especially to a minor, for extended holidays. You certainly don’t ghost them on their birthday and when you promised to do something special for them and got the child excited about it or hang up on them while they’re crying

I’m not insecure. My wife’s gone on the retreats before. We both work outside the home and have the caring for our daughter. So it’s not an imbalance. My wife’s work/life balance is out of sorts. She’s in the company of other adults plenty

I’ve been with my wife on these retreats and other social events. I know how she is. She was off this entire trip nor was it appreciated her entertaining a coworker, who ignores boundaries, having his arm wrapped around her waist like he was claiming her or something

I trusted her when she said she had a bug bite. I got things to help her treat it for when returned. It was only after I saw the bruise in person that there was no mistaking it was a hickey for me, and I questioned her on it

Update Feb 28, 2025 (7 days later)

I (27M) wanted to give an update and thank everyone who reached out. The outside perspectives helped.

Things are a rollercoaster. I’m trying to process. It took a while for my wife (28F) and me to have any real conversation about the bruise on her neck.

We were stuck between arguing and her showering our daughter (4F) and me with affection.

I rarely saw the bruise because she was turtlenecked up. But I did note the healing process from reddish purple to yellow.

There wasn’t any more discussion about the Vegas retreat. She made it clear she was done talking about it and that she shouldn’t need to defend herself to her husband.

I told her she could do whatever she wanted, but I was done being treated like an idiot, and I wasn’t sharing a bed with someone I couldn’t trust.

So I moved into the guest room. Communication stopped. The silences were palpable. Even our daughter noticed. I’m not proud of that. I try keeping her out of fights.

My wife came to the guest room one night and asked if we could talk. I could tell she’d been crying.

She said she hated the way things were between us. She felt she was losing me either way.

I told her I needed complete honesty. She confessed she hooked up with that coworker (23M) on our daughter’s birthday. The hickey was from him.

She was lost in the heat of the moment and didn’t realize he was sucking so hard on her neck.

By her account, they made out while doing some on top of the clothes stuff and then he went down on her.

It stopped there because he called her by a nickname that I affectionately call her. It snapped her back to the reality of her actions.

She went to splash water on her face and saw the hickey. The guy made light of it and made a joke about the hickey being her souvenir. She blew up on him and kicked him out of her suite.

Part of the reason she was avoiding me was out of guilt. She said she’s coming clean because she doesn’t want to hide things anymore.

I asked her why she cheated. What was it about that guy she deemed worth risking everything?

She claimed it wasn’t him specifically, nor is she unhappy with our marriage. She doesn’t really know how to explain it, but a part of her feels broken.

The more she looks in the mirror, the more she sees her dad (57M). A cycle of being consumed with work, distant from child, and the infidelity he put her mom (55F) through.

She said her family never talked about anything openly and how when she was growing up, my MIL never addressed anything with her.

I said her parents didn’t make her cheat. She chose to party up with a guy who constantly disrespected our relationship. These were all her decisions, and she at any point could’ve chosen our family.

She agreed. She wants to blame her parents but realizes this is on her. She apologized for cheating and for entertaining the guy’s advances.

She said she’ll do whatever it takes to repair. Go to HR, quit her job, counseling, anything. She wants to make everything right.

I told her I don’t know what right looks like or if that’s possible for us anymore. I knew we had our problems, but I thought there wasn’t anything we couldn’t talk out.

She insisted we still could talk it out. We didn’t have to give up on us. She tried giving this rally cry for our relationship, but I felt very numb.

I said I didn’t recognize her. Not just the betrayal of our vows but also how she treated our daughter. She’s like a stranger.

She feels she failed as a wife and mom, but she loves us both beyond words and wants our life together and our family intact.

I told her I couldn’t give her the answer she wanted and thought we needed to separate and reevaluate.

She didn’t want separation. She felt we should stay together in our home, but I told her a separation was happening. Either she was leaving the home or I was with our daughter.

She consented to leaving so as to best not uproot our daughter so much. She asked for our daughter not to be taken away from her.

My wife’s staying with my in-laws. I know that’s difficult in itself because she doesn’t have the best relationship with her parents.

One of the hardest parts is the shift for our daughter. Right now, she believes her mom’s just busy with work per usual. She hasn’t questioned it too much.

My MIL called the other day. She made no excuses for my wife, but she’s advocating for us to work through it.

She told me times when she heard my wife describe me as the anchor she always wanted. She believes there’s something worth fighting for if I’m open.

Despite some family opposition we faced throughout our relationship, my MIL was always a supporter of us.

I’m even more at a loss. I never imagined this kind of betrayal from my wife. She was my safe place. I feel numb yet broken.

I’m in love with her. That hasn’t changed. But I don’t see myself, her, our relationship, or our family the same. Everything’s more tense because it’s fresh.

I think this period of separation is for the best. I’m not sure about divorce. I haven’t let myself fully go there. I’m not set either way.

I don’t know where things go from here, but I’m focusing on our daughter and taking things one step at a time. I feel that’s all I can do right now.

Thanks again to everyone for the support. It’s much appreciated.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TogarSucks

It was already established that there had been line crossing with the coworker prior to the trip, even if it wasn’t physical yet. But even if there hadn’t been, I’ve known co-worker’s pet names for their significant others before when only interacting with them on a professional level.

The fact that the guy both intentionally gave her a hickey and used the pet name says a whole hell of a lot about him, though. Someone willing to engage in an affair is bad enough. This guy was doing it as some kind of sick power play.

HonShotF1rst226

It’s also possible it’s something super common like honey or baby

OOP

No, it’s a specific nickname. It’s not derived from her name or anything. It just summed up things I loved about her in one word. Apparently he turned it into a sexual context

~

Rightomate_kiwi

One question, how close was the collegue to her to know her nick-name that you use? And why did she let him this close to her literally and figuratively.

OOP

At the time, I knew they had a friendship. She was asked to mentor him as he joined her department. So she took him under the wing and was supposed to be showing him the ropes. They would text and stuff and he would cross boundaries. His texts increasingly read like a guy fishing for an opportunity. My wife shut the idea down as not even a factor for her and I chose to trust my wife because I never had a reason to doubt her before

As far as the nickname, it was something only I called her but it l wasn’t like a secret thing. I called her by it in front of others and our daughter. She claims the guy overheard me say it when she had me on speaker once and he asked her about it after

Update 2 March 14, 2025 (2 weeks after 1st update)

Thank you again to everyone. I (27M) couldn’t respond to every message, but everything’s appreciated. I wanted to provide an update.

Things have been a little chaotic with the new status quo after my wife’s (28F) affair, but I’m taking everything one step at a time.

My wife and I explained the separation to our daughter (4F) in simple, concrete terms and reassured her that we both still love her without going into the reasons behind the separation.

Our daughter’s always been an observant kid, but I don’t think the separation has hit her yet. She doesn’t see the difference between her mom not being home and her usual busy with work.

During visits, she’s more distant towards her mom and clings to me. My wife attempted to play with her on this toy set, but our daughter wasn’t having it and shouted at her mom that she didn’t want to play with her.

The disconnect between my daughter and wife hurts in a way I’m still processing. I knew my wife’s work/life balance took its toll. Pre-Vegas, we were supposed to be working on reconnecting, but just how fractured things are is a lot more apparent.

Our daughter interacts very little with her mom and becomes quiet around her like she does with strangers. I feel at her age we, as her parents, should be who she’s closest with and not this disconnected from her mom.

Their dynamic is something I’ve been reflecting on. My main focus is making sure my daughter’s ok through all of this.

As far as between my wife and me, she’s advocating for us to reconcile. She’s expressed she wants to work on our marriage not solely for our daughter but because she loves me.

Her rally cries for our relationship are still falling flat for me. I can’t give her what she wants right now. I told her I wished she would’ve given herself these rallies before cheating.

She’s adamant about the affair timeline and what occurred with the coworker (23M). They connected because she felt bad he wasn’t fitting in. He kept flirting and treating her like royalty. It started feeling good on the rougher workdays.

They had an emotional affair even though she didn’t label it as such at the time. The EA turned physical during the retreat. She dissociated from her life back home while away in Vegas.

She still swears they had sex only once. The hickey came from foreplay, and while giving her oral, he called her my nickname for her, which shook her out of it.

She snapped at him about his immature attitude with the hickey and then kicked him out of her suite. She thought she could quietly end things and salvage our marriage.

I asked her if she wore her wedding ring during sex with him. She confessed that she did. Knowing this hurts like hell.

To me, our wedding rings were a physical symbol of our love, commitment to our vows, and our bond. She tarnished our rings.

I haven’t been able to wear mine. It never hurts any less. There are just new levels to the hurt.

She admits to contributing to blurred lines. She’s now changed her number and claims to have cut contact with the coworker.

She reported the affair to HR. The company has suspended both of them while they investigate the extent to which the affair impacted the department.

Coworker relations violate their policy, and it doesn’t look good for my wife in terms of power balance since she was the guy’s mentor. They’re also calling into question if she gave him favoritism.

Some have suggested I reach out to the coworker. I’ve considered it, but I’m not in a place to. I feel a lot of anger towards him.

He knew exactly what he was doing with the hickey and nickname stunt. I wouldn’t get anything from him except trouble. He’s not worth it. I’m choosing to focus on my daughter.

I’ve chosen to pursue marriage counseling. This isn’t under the promise of reconciling but as an assist in working through this separation as healthy as possible for our daughter.

I’m still numb in a lot of ways. I never thought this would be how my marriage and family turned out.

I’ve seen it happen to others. I’ve heard stories. I thought I knew what it was like. But it’s nothing compared to dealing with it yourself. I don’t feel like the same person anymore.

I don’t know how everything will pan out. It’s an uphill battle, but I’m trying to show up to the battle. It’s the best I can do right now.

Thank you to everyone who has reached out. I appreciate the support, really.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

Update 3 March 28, 2025 (2 weeks after 2nd update)

Thank you again to everyone who’s reached out. I (27M) wanted to provide an update.

Things aren’t easy. I don’t expect them to be. I don’t regret the decision to separate. It was necessary. In many ways, I feel like my hand was forced with the betrayal and all the lies. I’m still finding my footing.

I don’t put people on pedestals, nor did I ever believe my wife’s (28F) and my relationship was perfect. I just didn’t think we’d end up like this after all this time together.

While HR were still conducting their investigation on my wife and the coworker (23M), my wife resigned.

Apparently she received pushback. Some of the top brass were pulling for her to stay on. I wasn’t too surprised because she’s always been a “yes employee” who gets the job done. She worked with the company back as an intern in college.

She said she wants to prove that she’s taking every possible action in cutting ties with the guy. I don’t know what the investigation result was for him. I don’t care, tbh. It’s not a concern of mine.

We’ve officially begun marriage counseling. It’s a new experience overall. I didn’t know what to expect. We’re mostly discussing our relationship’s journey up to now, the affair, and what we want from counseling.

My wife’s position on how the affair began remains consistent. She can’t really explain it precisely. She wasn’t unhappy with me, but a part of her feels broken. The undivided special attention became like a drug to her.

The convo kind of shifted to my in-laws (57M/55F), my wife’s family life, and the impact of my FIL’s infidelity.

She believes she’s a reflection of her dad in how she is as both a parent and a spouse. As a parent, she tried convincing herself she was better than him by showering our daughter (4F) with gifts in light of her lacking presence.

As a spouse, she tried convincing herself she was better because the affair wasn’t physical pre-Vegas. She thought as long as they didn’t do anything physical, then she was better than her dad.

That was something she told her affair partner while in Vegas actually. They could “hang out” as long as it didn’t turn physical.

I feel like she had so many chances to choose differently. To choose us and our family, but she tossed our daughter and myself to the train tracks.

Our relationship wasn’t enough to stop her, our wedding rings weren’t enough, and our crying daughter wasn’t enough. She chose herself every time.

She was selfish. She mentions the nickname thing, making her snap back to reality as if it’s supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t.

I believe she only stopped at oral because she got off and had no more need to go further. I wasn’t on her mind. Telling me that I was is like trying to put a Band-Aid on a gunshot wound.

I didn’t plan to say half of everything I did, but there was no going back once the door was opened during my turn to talk.

She agreed and said she has no excuse for her actions. It’s not her parents, it’s just her. She swore that she loves me and our daughter and wants to fight for our family.

I told her that the “I love you’s” felt hollow now. She shut out our daughter and myself to give an intimate part of herself to her coworker.

She said she realizes how much larger than just the affair our problems are. She struggles connecting with our daughter and worries about messing her up, so she left the primary caretaking to me. She believes I’m better at it.

She said that there’s nothing she can say to change anything, but she wants to show change through her present actions.

That’s some stuff we’ve dug through in counseling. We’re still in the early stages. But I believe it’s aiding in communication through separation, which is more healthy for our daughter.

Our therapist recommended individual counseling as a complement. It’s something I’m seriously researching for myself.

Not much has changed with our daughter since the previous update. She still doesn’t feel there’s a difference between her mom being home or not. I’ve watched her go from talkative and playful to instantly completely silent when her mom came by.

I’ve scheduled her for play therapy. I don’t know what to expect from that either, but I’m hoping for the best. My main goal is being present for her.

I know I need to learn how to trust again in general. That’s shot right now. Pre-Vegas, I never had a reason to doubt my wife. My trust was something she had as an irreplaceable partner. I’ve been betrayed before, but this one did a number in a way the others hadn’t.

I’m trying to stay afloat and focus on what I have rather than what I lost. I can’t afford to get lost in myself.

Thank you to everyone for the support and for sharing your own experiences. Talking about all this isn’t easy for me, but I appreciate the openness.

Update 4 Apr 11, 2025 (11 days after 3rd update)

I (27M) wanted to provide an update on things.

I don’t have much new to say about therapy in itself. I’m staying the course with marriage counseling, and my wife (28F) and I have both begun individual counseling. It’s an interesting experience and has given me an outlet. IC’s a nice complement to MC.

My wife’s keeping her therapy appointments. She’s journaling too. I’m surprised because journaling wasn’t something she’s ever really believed in. In MC, she said it’s helping her reflect.

Our daughter (4F) has begun play therapy. We’re still in the early stages. She’s hesitant but coming around to it. Once she gets going, though, you can’t get the toys out of her hands.

It’s reassuring seeing her in an environment where she’s engaging and being more herself. It gives me hope that she’ll be ok through everything.

The play therapist has been discussing when to best involve my wife. Nothing’s concrete yet. I also want to progress at a rate our daughter’s comfortable with and not force anything.

I’m really proud of her. She’s a major reason why I can’t regret being with my wife. There are a lot of things I’d tell my younger self, but if I’d chosen a different path, then I wouldn’t have my daughter. It’s something I wouldn’t change.

I had another major challenge recently. It was my wife’s and my anniversary. Our anniversary always meant something to me. Even with her terrible work/life balance, we’d make an effort to make the occasion special. I felt a lot of conflicting emotions about our anniversary this year. Mostly pain.

We had plans. Everything was booked and set pre-Vegas retreat. Needless to say, the trip was canceled. My wife wanted to keep our plans intact. I told her that wasn’t happening.

Without the trip, she said she still wanted us to spend our official anniversary together instead of separately. I turned her down.

We discussed it in therapy. I expressed I didn’t have the needed trust in her to let myself be vulnerable with her as I once was. I needed to process the anniversary on my own.

The anniversary had me having all these strange thoughts. A lot of it highlighted how much I miss my friend and partner. I’m not talking about reconciliation. I’m not entertaining that right now.

I’m talking about something deeper. To share a life with someone and everything that entails, them being your partner and closest friend, and then having what you devoted yourself to yanked away. I can’t be with her in all the ways I wanted.

Call it simping. Call it foolish. Call it a doormat. Call it whatever you want. I just call it the facts of falling in love and giving them your all for a long time, then finding out they had another life, and losing what you held close. It hurts, and I hadn’t let myself actually feel it until then.

I feel like everything moves on. Life moves on. My wife’s affair partner (23M) moves on. Work moves on. And here I am. I’m the one who’s living the loss. I’m the one who’s paying.

I also wanted to address an FAQ. I’ve been asked a lot about what I meant in my first post about the cultural differences and family opposition my wife and I faced.

We’re an interracial couple. My wife’s Korean. We’re both minorities, but my FIL (57M) and his side of the family wanted my wife to settle down with someone who’s Korean. They’re conservative in their beliefs.

So I wasn’t exactly welcomed, and we dealt with opposition from that angle. It was rough. Even at our wedding, my FIL was more a silent attendee.

Because of my wife and FIL’s strained relationship, she was firm that she didn’t care about his approval. She rejected him walking her down the aisle, which, of course, didn’t help their relationship.

My wife made her own choice. I had nothing to do with it, but anger was thrown at me. My FIL took it as I influenced her against him, and his side of the family said my wife wasn’t being a good daughter.

Things with my FIL didn’t really mend until our daughter. He mellowed after becoming a grandpa and became receptive toward me. Despite our past, he’s doting as a grandparent.

My MIL’s (55F) a different story. She’s always been welcoming and supportive of our relationship. Her support made a difference. She’s been like a mother to me.

I’m realizing more and more the rippling effects of an affair. How much it just takes and takes and consumes. The different facets to the loss. I lost not only the life I chose but also family and friends. Just keep losing.

That’s pretty much all there is to update about. Thank you to everyone for the support. Even if I couldn’t respond, just know everything is much appreciated. It means a great deal.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward? NEW UPDATE

Update 5 Apr 25, 2025

Sorry for the lack of response. There are a lot of replies and questions I've (27M) missed due to things being chaotic. I wanted to address what I couldn't reply to and give an update.

Play therapy's a learning curve. My daughter (4F) is still hesitant, but she's getting more used to the therapist. I think the current pace we've set works. I'm letting her be in the moment and allowing that to guide what she's ready for. I don't want to force anything.

My wife (28F) is now being included in PT. The focus so far is letting her and our daughter engage together in playful activities guided by the therapist and addressing behavioral and emotional challenges and improving communication.

Something we're tackling is feelings charade. I've never done it before. Our daughter usually communicates with me on her own, but she struggles with wording certain emotions. It's completely understandable; she's only 4. My hope is these exercises will only benefit her.

My wife's inclusion hasn't been progressive, tbh. We're still in the early stages. Idk, our daughter really clams up around her. She's ok with my wife being in the room, but she's not very receptive otherwise.

Recently for play therapy, my daughter made a drawing of our family. It was mostly stick figures, but she had her own little style to it and indicators of who was who. It was adorable but also bittersweet.

The drawing included herself, me, and her grandparents, but not her mom. My wife was nowhere to be found. When asked where her mom was, my daughter's exact words were "Umma's never around" and "Umma's mean."

"Mean" is typically how our daughter communicates that someone's hurt her or someone else. She called her mom mean when my wife broke her FaceTime birthday promise during the Vegas retreat. She said it before my wife hung up.

There was another time around the holidays she called my wife mean. My daughter was assisting me with baking, and she got really excited and cheering. My wife was supposed to join us, but she didn't and took a work call. She raised her voice at our daughter as she told her to quiet down.

I didn't like the tone my wife took with our daughter. She was just excited and wanted to help, and it was supposed to be family time. My wife was the one who took a work call in the same room without warning anyone. We argued later, but it was resolved, and she apologized to our daughter.

Being left out of the drawing bothered my wife. She's expressed that she overthinks and doesn't believe she's good at connecting with our daughter. She feels our daughter prefers me over her.

The whole incident struck another chord with me. I've been mulling it over. We've discussed it in MC and, for me, in IC.

It hurts to see how fractured things are between my daughter and my wife. Despite my wife's infidelity, I don't take pleasure in a suffering relationship. I'm not rooting against her. I want their relationship to be ok.

I believe my daughter needs her mom too. Am I wrong in thinking that there are things a daughter will want to talk with her mom about or to share specifically with her mom even if the other parent is involved?

Part of me feels responsible for their lack of relationship. Like I should've stepped in sooner. I never realized how bad things were. Before, I held onto the promise of just one more work project, and then my wife would be involved more, and how we were still a family. The affair changed my outlook.

Idk when exactly things went off course. Having kids was something we both wanted. It wasn't a singular convo but one we revisited over the years.

We actually wanted more kids. Pre-affair we had discussions, but I had put that potential on hold because it was clear we needed to reconnect as the family unit already present.

I saw and felt the love and care my wife had for our daughter during the pregnancy. It was palpable. I always thought our daughter was evidence of the bond we shared.

My wife's maternity leave ended shortly after she gave birth, and she resumed work full-time at the office. I would say there was a noticeable change then, and the disconnect grew from there.

I just feel like somewhere along the line I let my daughter down and perhaps was also blinded by my love for my wife. I'm at a complete loss. I feel their relationship falls on me. The play therapist said we can only take it one step at a time.

I've been frequently asked about our daughter picking up on the rift between my wife and me and whether we've fought in front of her. I wanted to address that here.

My wife and I have had our fights, but I can't say we've fought in front of our daughter. We'd usually pause and revisit if our daughter was around and not let it reflect in front of her.

After the affair, I haven't badmouthed my wife to our daughter. I try explaining the separation and addressing any question in simple ways without throwing stuff on her or my personal feelings.

I'm really trying. I want the best for my daughter. I don't want my wife's affair to take any more from our daughter than it already has. It hurts like hell, but I can deal. But my daughter is only a kid. Idk how my MIL (55F) did it, and I don't believe it's something I can ask her.

I wanted to thank everyone again for the support. It means a lot. Hearing your experiences means something. I think there's hope to be found in it. I appreciate everything.

TL;DR Update for: My wife returned from a work retreat in Vegas with a hickey on her neck. She swears it’s a bug bite, but I’m not convinced. I only feel more strongly when I consider how distant and weird she was during the retreat. We’re stuck between arguing and her dousing our daughter and me with affection. I’m at a loss. I really need outside perspectives. How do I move forward?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BeautifulTerm3753

Is your wife trying to build a relationship with your daughter?

This is just so sad.

OOP

They have spent more time together than previously but some times I observed was awkward silence or our daughter mostly playing with my in-laws

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Electrical-Theory375

Has your wife moved back in or are you still separated? is it possible that the relationship between your wife and your daughter might improve if you were all living in the same house...... that is , of course, if you are contemplating reconciliation.

OOP

We're still separated. I honestly don't know if there would be any improvement. There wasn't much when we all were under the same roof. My daughter does have allotted time with her mom throughout the week

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