BestofRedditorUpdates

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2025-06-14 04:02:02+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/electronic_gas_5769

AITA for uninviting my daughter to our Christmas gathering?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & OOP's own page

TRIGGER WARNING: Cheating, loss of a loved one

BoRU 1 Posted by u/KittenDealinMama

Editors Note: changed S and P to Sally and Penny for continuity

Editors Note 2: stinkbug = Sally

Original Post Nov 11, 2020

AITA for uninviting my daughter to our Christmas gathering?

Bear with me, I am on mobile.

I am a mother of 4 children. Two older sons and two younger daughters. All of them are adults and have moved out a long time ago.

I have always been close with my daughter Sally, while Penny has always liked to have her own space. Which I don't mind, theyre both beautiful talented young women that I thought I couldn't be more proud of.

We're having early Christmas this year. First week of December I was inviting everyone around for Christmas Dinner, gift giving and the lot.

When I Phoned Penny yesterday to clarify a few things she mentioned that she and her husband would not be coming.

When I asked she said that they had seperated for now as he had cheated. I said that it was surely better to spend time with family if this was the case and maybe she should come home for some time.

She ummed and ahhd but then eventually she told me he had an affair with stinkbug and they had been seeing each other for the past 2 years.

I felt sick. For the past 6 months in our talks, Sally has alluded that she had been seeing someone and was typically girl-in-love.

I uninvited Sally to the Christmas gathering and blocked her. I don't know if I'm able to deal with her before Christmas but this is family time and family can't hurt each other like that. I'm at a loss in all honesty. Penny is now coming which is good because at this time she needs stability of people who love her imo.

The problem is that Sally naturally thinks I'm in the wrong. It's none of my business and as her mother I can't block her and remove her from the family.

My sister thinks I shouldn't get involved in their personal lives which I think is BS. My daughter needs us right now. But then she tells me "I have two daughters to think about". Which I think isn't true. Sally has forfeited that right atm.

Thankfully my husband is liaising with Sally atm but he is also in solidarity with me.

So are we in the wrong for uninviting a daughter for Christmas??

Edit: my husband showed me that this had gotten a lot responses. Too many for us to answer them all but we will be reading through before bed.

A small update: Penny's MIL found out. While me and her have only spoken a few times, she did dote on Penny and I know Penny got along well with her. I haven't spoken to her personally, but I know she phoned my daughter and was really supportive and crying.

My sister said that if Sally isn't invited then she isn't going either. Which is fine by me - she wasn't invited in the first place due to the pandemic. Otherwise I've been working and doing some crochet so it's been quiet :)

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

Update 1 Dec 6, 2020 (1 month later)

Hello all! My Christmas gathering was yesterday and my son & husband wondered if I would post an update for you all.

It's been rather uneventful, but I've been equally surrounded by warmth and love while also feeling heartbroken and lonely.

So first of all, since my post, my husband has been teaching me to use reddit! I've really enjoyed being in some craft communities 😊.

My daughter Penny has been staying with us. She works from home. My husband and eldest went to get some more of her stuff from her old house. Pennys mother-in-law (Jane) was there and was very helpful and sweet. She also bought some mint hot chocolate for our penny and Christmas candles. I know they're her favourite.

From what penny has told me, Jane is having similar feelings to me. A lot of guilt over our children's decision to hurt people we love. I think at this point we have to accept that we did our best raising them, but they're adults now so we can't beat ourselves up.

Penny and Jane are going to stay in touch. I think Jane truly does think of penny as a daughter/friend 😊😊.

Onto some more negative things. I wrote my letter to Sally during this time. I expressed that I was extremely disappointed and also disgusted. While I will continue to have a relationship with her, she won't be welcome to any family gatherings with penny present unless penny has met a point in her life where she feels comfortable. I told her what some of you had said, that not taking a side would be a side and that she had for all intents and purposes, already uninvited herself when she was so cruel to her sister.

Sally had apparently come up on Friday and knocked on the door. I was out shopping at the time. My husband spoke to her. Apparently, Sally and Michael (my son-in-law) are going to continue their relationship. I will not support it in any way or form. She may be my daughter but that man is not welcome. I am supporting penny through the divorce, and if Sally ever expects money for the wedding or a house then she's a very naïve girl. My husband sent her away, after which Sally said we'd have to get over it someday.

Otherwise, the Christmas gathering was lovely. It was strange not getting drunk and playing boardgames due to covid, but still a pleasant time. My hip hurts from the cooking 😭 but husband and penny did the cleaning up so who's the real winner?

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Thank you very much for your kind words when I last spoke to you ♥.

EDIT: I know some are concerned about Covid, but please know that we live in a country with very few cases and we met within government guidelines.

Update 2 Oct 30, 2022 (2 years after OG post)

Hello all!

I hope this message finds you well. A lot has changed since I last spoke with you all, so I would like to update you because I am finding things a bit difficult right now.

First of all, Penny is doing well! She met someone new about a year ago; they're incredibly supportive and sweet, and they made such an effort in getting to know me and my husband. Penny was still living with me when she started seeing them, so I got to watch their relationship develop - and although Penny is a grown woman I couldn't help but be reminded of when she was a child and having crushes. It was very endearing and I'm glad I got to witness firsthand the smile her new partner gives her. Penny also got a new job and has moved to Ireland with her partner.

Sally and Michael have continued their relationship. I don't have a lot of love to give Michael. I am civil enough but frankly, it is difficult for me to become invested in their relationship at all. Michael recently asked my permission to marry Sally, which was disrespectful, to say the least. Penny still lived with me last Christmas, so again they were not invited. I am not hosting this Christmas and am instead going to go visit my eldest son, he and his wife had a little boy at the beginning of this year. They've asked me to stay with them for a little while so I can help with the cooking and cleaning, as they have been struggling a little bit.

Finally, my husband passed away 9 months ago. He fell while on a walk and hit his head, and was there for some hours before someone found him. It's been a difficult transition, to put it mildly. Being a little bit on the older side, I've lost a fair few people in my life and while I did grieve, I always had the strength to continue. Losing my husband made me realise how much I relied on him. Not just to take the bins out, or pick me up from choir practice, but all the times I was angry, sad, and overwhelmed and he was there for me.

When other people passed away at least you get moments of respite in the grief, where you just sort of "forget" they've passed. With my husband, there are only reminders. Every time I wake up alone, when I now have to take the bins out, when I have to cook a meal just for one person. There's not really a moment of peace in this grief and I have found it very difficult to deal with. It's his birthday at the end of November, and there was another moment of grief as I had to get rid of my notes for birthday gift ideas in my notebook. Everything has just been so painful to deal with and I just cannot stop crying even after all this time. I just can't even stand to think of the good moments I shared with him because it just hurts too much. I know there's not a correct way to grieve or time-limit, but I just feel like I've got to get up and start looking after myself for everyone around me.

I really want to thank any of you that read this. It's been incredibly helpful just to be able to share my feelings a little bit. I hope you all have been doing well.

Kind regards.

NEW UPDATE

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Update March 17, 2025 (2 and a half years later)

I w...

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