Server admins were deep into a 14-hour goon sesh and didn't notice

There was a hard drive failure, and they restored from a 2023 backup. The 9 hours of downtime was spent making 6 months' worth of plausible-looking posts

DEI

i chewed through the servers power cable, nyaa~

It was the Eclipse.

30-50 feral hogs headbutted the servers

Because Capitalism is actually the most efficient way of operating a website

He got his revenge.

I typed "Exxon Valdez NUTS" into the comment box and the site couldn't handle my power level

Oh shit, I just did it again oh god oh fuck I don't wanna touch the grass again nooooo

we banned all the liberals but then decided that you're cool anyway

I strongly believe in the benefits of going out, so I unplugged the site for awhile so you kids could play

The mods & admins were trying in vain to stop future badposting from me.

They failed. Look out

the servers got drunk celebrating the eclipse.

A wizard did it.

That wizard?

He came from the moon.

Somebody wanted to torture me by taking away my Hexbear content on the very day Bluesky is having 100,000,000+ "like farming" posts about the goddamned eclipse.

Okay, whoever you are - I'm sorry for whatever I did. Please don't do this to me again.

a second hit the servers

Xi's check didn't come through since the Chinese economy is tanking so they had to take down the site until he could borrow the money from Kim and wire over the server fees.

Solar flare emp over the server farm on an abandoned research oil rig in the Indian ocean.

Hamas.

Too many piss

Ill omens

God punished us for gay.

I clicked the purge everything button

All libs were banned. Sadly this killed the site, because it's all libs, so the process had to be undone.

Imbalance of the humors. Too much phlegm, not enough black bile.

im gay

Sabotage by lemmygrad to steal users.

moon magic

A solar eclipse happens on Thatcher Day and Hexbear goes down. Coincidence?

Sun broke

i wanted to take a nap but didn't want to miss anyone so i just asked really nicely to pause the site

A piano fell on the server and when the server smiled its teeth were piano keys

I tripped over the cord soz

My Bill Gates post got us taken down by the pedophile cabal.

Sophons

Capitalist counter revolution

Zoltraak

Nerds unplugged Hexbear to plug in their rock tumbler.

Sorry, my bad, I knocked the power cable out from the server when I trying to pick up my popcorn.

It ran out of Chips.

Welcome Back, Mr. McDonald was so good that it broke the site.