zerozaku

(I hope this is the right place to vent out my thoughts and feelings, idk who will read this though, but pls be kind (: )

I never had any huge crushes in my student days. I had one towards the end but I usually just observe from a distance and admire their beauty. Never felt I should talk to them or make them close.

Cometh my first job. I saw this woman, she was not amazing at first but caught my eyes. Everyday I would look at her as usual with my "crush protocol". Day after day, I felt she was becoming more amazing. This continued for months. Feelings only got thicker, so much so that I started to associate every love song with her. This is something I have never connected to in my whole life. Love songs never clicked to me, never felt attached to them. But this woman changed it all somehow with no word spoken between us.

But on some particular day, heavens have blessed me with an opportunity. She sat beside me during lunch out of sheer luck. Time for more context on my personality. I just don't talk to people. Idk if it's introversion or lack of social skills. Even with my colleagues I just talk when necessary. I just don't initiate any conversation irl until they do. Talking to strangers? Forget about it.

Let's come back to our glorious day. She sat beside me and all the time she was eating I battled within myself that I have to talk to her somehow. And after battling for some hard 10-15min, I went for it. I said "excuse me..." and fumbled my words towards some random question about her work. The conversation was quick and I couldn't carry it longer than a minute probably but much lesser ig. But this was a huge achievement for a someone like me - an introvert talking to their crush.

Days passed but we haven't talked a single conversation again. Here comes the villain. There came a shift in our work that we had to be in different places. Boom. I won't be seeing her ever again. I don't even know her name. Now I am regretting not knowing her name ever again. Fcuk man.

Bye my unknown queen.

I cannot do a damn thing. Be it easy, be it hard, be it rewarding, be it just pure pleasure. I cannot enjoy a thing thinking it is just waste of time. I cannot carry myself to do a hard task thinking about the high effort it requires. Even if I break it into small parts, I would only do the bare minimum for a day or two and stop it.

My entire life is being passed away coming back tired, hungry and yearning for sleep, from a job I dislike to the core.

I am not moving towards my goals. I cannot quit this job. Time is passing. I'm stuck. Weekends cometh, I use them all trying to catch up on sleep.

Every week I'm doing just the bare minimum to survive thinking I might do something on the weekend and I don't. How do I break out this cycle? There's a lot more I could unwind upon but this post is already long enough.

Argh

I don't get it. Everywhere I look there is this discussion about getting into a relationship, getting gfs/bfs and constantly chasing after it. And I'm not doing anything of it. I never paid attention to such stuff. During my teenage years, I thought it was normal attraction which people cave into and pursued such things. But now in my 20s, the same thing I observe, if not a little bit more than I used it. People getting sad because they are not finding someone. People being happy because they have one for themselves.

I'm not that career focused either. I just mind my own business. If it's studying or working, I just mind that. I do nothing like checking out girls in my school/workplace like my peers do. Maybe I'm just scared to pursue such things. I also think having a relationship is a huge headache too. Meeting them, making them happy, going out with them regularly. (I don't go out myself where will I take her to?). All of this while doing your daily stuff.

Am I wrong thinking to put career first before I get into relationships and stuff?

I am not a guy who used to pay attention to clothing fashion because I felt it was expensive and hard to follow those ever changing trends. But I am seeing lot and lot people keeping up well with trend. I feel like I am falling behind and I need to stay up with the trend too.

So how do I stay up with the clothing trends with not spending too much time on it? How do you stay up to date with it?

Last year, out of nowhere I got this impulsion to deal with my addictions, gaming and watching sports. Quitting gaming was hard but I was able to do it. Quitting watching sports was way easier.

Now with two big time killers out of my way, everything in my life has become boring. Entire New Year day was boring. Now I'm literally dreading getting free time. I dread my time at work and now dreading it in my free time too. Makes me think I got myself into an awful situation. I don't use Instagram or tiktok, never did. In this time period where I have quit these both addictions, people have asked what the heck do I do in my free time and I don't have any answer besides "I watch YouTube haha".

I really need something fun to do that I enjoy. I mostly stay home and don't go outside home except for work, so please recommend something inside my comfort zone. I know, I should go outside to places for fun but that's for another time when I feel motivated to try something out of comfort zone. Thanks.

Edit: Thank you all for taking your time and writing me so many things. Some of the things are ones which I always wanted to do and some of the things which are very new to me. Will try bunch of them and see how it goes 👍

I prefer to have same things all the days of the year. This extra pressure to celebrate on occasions feels so forced. I like the extra time I have for myself on holidays and don't have it waste on things on obligatory celebrations.

Just let me be with me and my PC.

This is the vibe I'm feeling on this new year's eve. Does anybody else feel this way?

Every group chat seems to die the moment I send 1-2 texts there. Every single one. Old, new, offline friends, online friends, everywhere. What's going on? Are my jokes bad? Have you ever experienced this? If yes, what was the issue you found out?

I returned to work from office a while back and it was really hard to keep up my social energy high enough. First day I did ok with the excitement of meeting new people aiding me but it was downhill ever since. Showing up to work is itself a huge chore, and the societal obligation to socialise with people at the workplace all the time, is even bigger chore.

For more context, I only used to maintain very small circle of people I talk to in my uni and college days. Ignoring others was kinda ok at that time but doesn't seem like so here in corporate space.

Don't get me wrong, I want to be more free and connect with more people and have bigger circles, I want to improve my social skills too. But at the same time, it very taxing and almost makes me to shut off myself and avoid going to places where people who recognise me.

I'm finding the results are not helpful as they used to be and sometimes way past the topic I'm searching. This is very prevalent when I'm searching for pirate sites. I'm falling back to Searxng whenever this occurs.

Has anyone noticed it too? Has DDG upped their moderation?

Am I the only one who doesn't like the new changes? Everything looks big like in coloros which already looks same as miui. Samsung kinda lost their identity. Ofc using it hands-on would give the clear picture.

Also this community needs to be more active and this is my effort towards it.

It crazy how many websites out there around bible collect information and share it with third parties. I looked at a bunch and couldn't find anything that's completely private.

Worst case, I would OK with them collect information but not share any information with third parties.

I have been waking up early since past 3 days and getting ~6hrs sleep on average. All 3 days, my brain's power has last longer and feels like it got "overclocked". I am able to take in lots of information, have more energy to talk to people(almost makes me think I'm might not be introverted) etc. I feel like a different person all together.

What is happening? I have no issues sleeping, I just had to wake up early and sleep late due to stuff.