sappho
joined 5 years ago
I think it's interesting that you have such a noticeable discomfort with this sort of thing. I really mean this genuinely and not in a snarky way. If I were in your shoes I'd explore it more, because I've personally learned lots about myself from looking closely at my own odd pet peeves. You might have complicated feelings relating to play or performance. Your issue with him not seeming sincere doesn't make a lot of sense in my head because, of course, play is acting. It's pretending. It's performing. So it's always in a sense insincere, but also, simultaneously, very sincere in that the play-actor is wholeheartedly entering into this imaginal space. Maybe he's a bad actor, but the intention itself is there, or he wouldn't be doing it at all.
Here's the Animal Crossing guy I watch, for anyone curious. The video is long but there's an example of roleplay within the first three minutes.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=w_43tFfDy1s
Other things I like in the same vein are solo TTRPGs like this guy explains here/plays on his channel:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Mf16KB9O3-g
And also solo roleplaying in video games:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=uNMxBSk3kRw
None of these are cool, sophisticated, high art. And yet every storyteller is completely sincere and creating in the moment for the intrinsic joy of watching the story unfold. That's why I love them.
I'm not sure if this is what you mean because it's generally not pre-recorded, but there is one guy I watch that plays Animal Crossing and then acts like the dialogue is actually part of an elaborate and very dramatic storyline. I think it's fun. I like to listen to him in the background while I do crafts. Yeah it's kinda like playing with dolls, that's why I like it actually... It's really sad to me that we're expected to stopped playing pretend and making up stories once we're adults. There's something really pure about using your imagination in silly ways for no reason. It's the same reason I love to watch people roleplay in DnD. It's not deep, it just makes me laugh every couple minutes as I'm crocheting a sweater or something. And, honestly, I feel like it helps me connect back to that younger bit of me that used to play with toys. I'm trying not to grow too old to find joy in silly made-up stories.
This is mine. I'd have all the kids learn both spoken toki pona and the corresponding sign language. It'd rapidly diverge from the canonical version in real world use, and it's more entertaining than strictly practical, but I just think it'd be neat. And it really wouldn't take much time investment to do.
Wrist braces help with my carpal tunnel issues. I wear them at night to make sure my wrists aren't bending in a weird way while I sleep, and I put them on before crocheting (which is typically what causes me the most irritation). I have the fancy vertical kinda mouse too and I do prefer it to a normal one, but IDK if it actually helps with the pain over time because I currently can't be seated upright at my desktop for more than an hour a day.
See, I was gonna go to a therapist for 150+ sessions to work through my religious trauma from my very Catholic upbringing. But luckily I realized I was just being an edgy atheist about it. Saved me so much time!
I just wish I could get a hug and have someone tell me its all gonna be ok. Does that mean I still havent grown up yet, even tho I'm already an adult?
Of course not
I hug myself all the time and I say nice things aloud like "I can see you're trying so hard and it's really difficult. I care about you so much and I want things to get better for you."
It's really nice and you should try it, especially because I haven't figured out how to physically hug people over the internet yet.
I'm sorry you're feeling so alone with everything. I don't have many words of wisdom to offer, but I do know a thing about self-sabotage in general. It happens when there are parts of us, feelings and safety rules we've internalized, that we don't really see until they come out and "ruin" something for us. The path out, for me, was feeling my emotions more in general. Yeah, lots of people do journaling for this, but I don't like it much either. Anything that makes you feel something is a good place to start. Maybe a sad movie. Maybe a song. Maybe hugging yourself and saying nice things that sound silly and fake at first. Maybe (this is what I think) you are already doing it by writing this all out to share with strangers.
and yes i have tried dream journals, but you need to remember something to write it down. i could write 'i maybe had a dream about a house at night or something, there was a window and lights' and that would be like 99% of my dream journal entries
This is normal for beginning to dream journal. Making entries like that is perfect. I do not know exactly how it works in the brain but I know from my own experience and others that if you consistently write down the little bits you do remember, your brain will gradually start retaining more.
i keep waking up in the middle of the night, not enough to do anything (if i really 'got up' even enough to jot down notes, i wouldn't be able to get back to sleep), saying to myself 'i definitely was just dreaming, i'll definitely remember this well enough in the morning to write it down' and then its gone by the time i'm actually awake
This also happened to me during this process and I think it's an important part. What I did was keep a scratch pad next to my bed. Wake up, do not turn on the lights or move much at all, and just scribble down something illegible. Alternatively turn on your voice recording app and mumble some nonsense. Go back to sleep as soon as your body wants to. It doesn't matter that in the morning you don't understand what you said or wrote. It's something about your brain being shown that it's important information to retain.
I use weed for PTSD too, and it definitely makes remembering dreams more difficult because you just don't have as many with the REM suppression. But since I've made a practice of dream journaling - you really do have to keep at it unfortunately - I still regularly have the sort of "meaningful psychodrama" dreams that I end up discussing in therapy and dissecting to better understand my own feelings.
That one Grimes TikTok where she says "I have a proposition for the communists!" and "Collective farming is really not a vibe." I don't know why, her inflection/tone is just stuck in my head forever and it's really just the funniest thing in the world to me