autistic sadness
tfw you try to do something good and it goes poorly
tfw you try to apologize but nobody gives a shit
tfw you try to ask questions to understand wtf you are missing and how you are going so wrong but your answer is a pat on the head
tfw you realize you are just truly never, ever going to be comfortable socially anywhere
does anybody else feel like they maybe just fundamentally do not understand the Code of Conduct, or is it just me?
I know the subject of updating it has come up in this thread. this is not about updates; this is about my comprehension of the current content.
highlights I feel like I must be misreading:
- Please "remember the human" and be kind to your fellow leftists.
- Respect that people have differences of opinion and that every leftist has a place in our community. Discussing differences in theory is fine and encouraged, just don't make it personal. Remember: Sectarianism is liberalism.
- We will ban you if you insult, demean or harass anyone. That is not welcome behavior. This is distinctly different than ribbing or grilling someone.
being unkind, making things personal, insulting and demeaning each other – these behaviors are common here.
- Private harassment is also unacceptable. No matter who you are, if you feel you have been or are being harassed or made uncomfortable by a community member, please contact one of the comm mod's or any of the sitemod team immediately. Whether you're a regular user or a newcomer, we care about making this community a safe place for you and we've got your back.
emphasis mine. this might be true for DM harassment, but is blatantly untrue in public. account age definitely affects moderation decisions, and it probably should?
- Likewise any spamming, trolling, flaming, baiting or other attention-stealing behavior is not welcome and will be banned.
... flaming? will be banned?
- We are a platform that welcomes anyone who wants to be here in good faith. With that said, we are also an intentionally leftist platform; conservative and reactionary ideologies will not be tolerated here.
emphasis mine. I wish it were more clear if this goes for the admin/mod team or the community at large, but regardless, in practice, this doesn't seem to be true, but maybe there are judgements being made about sincerity/good-faith that are not expressed explicitly enough for me to pick up on it.
Be aware of your own enjoyment of the site.
- If you find yourself no longer having fun, do something else. There are many different comms on Hexbear, and many different ways to shitpost and have fun.
- If the site as a whole is just not cutting it for you, take a break. We'll still be here when you get back. Nothing should compel you to stay.
- The site is deliberately designed to be a relaxing sort of fun rather than an addictive one. We do not want you to remain on Hexbear if remaining on the site is no longer fun for you.
this is all advice I have taken before when I have gotten too down about the social dynamics here, and I will again, but it seems like some people do feel compelled to stay here, to their own detriment. idk what to do about that, or if anything should be done at all; it is just a thing that I have noticed.
- If we ultimately determine that a user has become toxic and is fixated on complaining about the site, we will ban them. We are always open to feedback and suggestions, but if we notice someone that constantly posts / comments about how much they dislike everything then it's probably better for them to find somewhere else to spend their time. The rest of the community has a right to a positive environment.
this does not seem to be true, and again, idk that it should be. if an otherwise good user is focused on complaining about actual problems, should they really be banned? if so, why didn't frauddogg get banned?
I'm not saying null should have been banned. I am using a recent example to clarify the question. I understood that many others agreed with frauddogg's behavior, and that has made me want to understand it and square it with everything else I've learned about the community so I could contribute positively and avoid hurting anyone.
again, I'm not suggesting changes; I am expressing confusion about these statements that don't seem to align with the realities of this community. I feel like I don't get it or I am missing something or just misreading these things.
I understood her argument as advocating for opting first for calling-in with other leftists and well-intentioned others, not as advocating for never calling-out anyone ever.
I understood her to mean that calling-in can reinforce community behavioral expectations in an educational and edifying way, while calling out is often exclusionary and punitive and can accidentally reinforce oppressive systems, so we should call-in within our communities.
if this interpretation is incorrect, or if it is correct but the thesis is problematic in some way, please lmk. I will delete the post.
since your account is relatively new and has <200 comments, I took a look and it seems like you aren't a reading club poster. I'm not either, but I bring it up because when I realized how much anger I was seeing from frauddogg, I looked at null's account to get a fuller picture of void's presence on the site, and null was a book club power poster. void didn't just write moving responses to the material; null actively engaged with other posters, offering insightful, respectful dialogue.
in the same way that I think it is bonkers to think REgon is on some kind of wrecker long-con, I think it is bonkers to think any wrecker would take the time to make those comments. I understand that you might not have seen them, but if all you base your impressions of other posters on is whatever comments you chance upon, I would like you to please consider that this will necessarily give you a distorted view of that person.
if someone is rubbing you the wrong way, I encourage you to please go look at their account and try to understand where they're coming from.
"... Your anger is not coming from a genuine place, so we shouldn't have to respect your anger nor interrogate why you feel so angry because your anger is a personal problem, not a symptom of a systemic issue."
I don't know how to properly communicate my anguish over the idea that what I said came across this way. I am very, very, very sorry.
I know frauddogg's anger came from a genuine place
I respected null's anger and reacted to it with curiosity (because I knew it meant there were things I didn't understand!) and caution (because childhood abuse left me afraid of confrontation, and being flamed – rightfully or not – by a popular poster that everyone agrees with, especially for reasons I do not understand and would get flamed even more for asking about, would have devastating mental health consequences).
my personal opinion is that persistent deep anger is both a personal problem and a systemic issue, regardless of its root cause:
frauddogg had mentioned childhood abuse, beatings by racists, and had been tricked as a child to sign up for even more systemic abuse – fucking of course null was angry. who isn't angry reading about it?!?
I celebrated null's anger in the lemmygrad masking struggle session that brought void to Hexbear.
I am every bit as scared of getting yelled at by you or kristina or Nakoichi or Awoo or Dirt_Owl or Galaxy_Brain or literally any of you as I was scared of getting yelled at by frauddogg. I hate confrontation and I hate hurting or upsetting people who don't deserve it. none of you deserve it.
I'm sorry.
reading between the lines of what has been said about the incident that led to banning Foucaults, it sounds like a disagreement behind the scenes about moderation descended into an argument that got very personal, and personal apologies/amends need to be made.
I suspect that they're not expecting a post in /c/selfcrit anymore and probably have communicated that to Foucaults, but unbanning and rebanning to change the message to reflect the current situation feels like pointlessly dredging up drama, so they didn't change it to reflect the current situation.
idk for sure, but I think it was this interaction, in which another em_poc user brought up null's military service.
"remembering the human" goes both ways: that when someone is doing something you find rude and unreasonable, that there is always a context for it, even if you might not be aware of that context.
yes, this very much.
learning that frauddogg had been a troop made void's behavior make a lot more sense to me. sometimes, when people leave religion, they become militant atheists; it doesn't seem strange to me that someone would leave the military and be passionately anti-imperialist and ready to attack any inkling of that evil.
you are one of the people I respect the most on this site. I was not kidding when I said that I think of you every time somebody looks at me weird for masking in public. I care about you and your opinion very much, and I appreciate your taking the time to talk with me. in advance, I want to say that I have tried hard to make sure there was nothing hurtful or dismissive in this message, but if I failed in that or otherwise made this come across poorly, I would very much like to talk it out because the absolute last thing I want to do is hurt you.
or anyone else, for that matter. I have debated deleting my account a lot over the last few weeks. I don't want to hurt anyone. I was only here for companionship and news; I don't need either so badly that anyone needs to suffer for it. I would rather disappear than hurt any of you.
I am not advocating for anyone to be okay with anyone who dismisses their needs and agency. I am only advocating for the idea that it would be good to interrogate further to ensure they're actually being dismissive and aren't just an autistic person having a Theory of Mind moment.
I just learned last week that difficulties with "Theory of Mind" don't necessarily mean that a person is incapable of understanding another's point of view, but that it is also responsible for autistic naivete.
for example: the possibility that someone would purposely fuck with a /c/mutual_aid user for unknown ends just never even entered my mind until the fact of it was presented to me. how many other things do I just not even know about because the idea that anyone would want to behave that way seems crazy to me? lots. tons. this is why autistic people are so vulnerable to scammers etc. the idea that anyone would do that just doesn't fucking occur to us until it is hammered in.
I am sure that there are a lot of conflicts generated from this deep misunderstanding, especially considering how many users are white people coming from the thoroughly-propagandized imperial core.
I don't think anyone should tolerate shitheads. I just think that sometimes we are quick to assume shitheadedness of each other, and I wish that were not the case. and tbqh, considering how often frauddogg called out other em_poc users as settlers or crackers just because they didn't post regularly in the em_poc megathread (is that required for all em_poc users?), I think it would help reduce the number of friendly-fire incidents.
it's also part of the CoC, which I know you know better than I do. you've been here much longer, and you're a mod.
- We are committed to providing a friendly, safe and welcoming environment for all, regardless of gender identity and expression, sexual orientation, disability, personal appearance, body size, race, ethnicity, age, religion, nationality, or other similar characteristic.
- Please "remember the human" and be kind to your fellow leftists.
- Respect that people have differences of opinion and that every leftist has a place in our community. Discussing differences in theory is fine and encouraged, just don't make it personal. Remember: Sectarianism is liberalism.
- We are a platform that welcomes anyone who wants to be here in good faith. With that said, we are also an intentionally leftist platform; conservative and reactionary ideologies will not be tolerated here.
sorry, I try to ignore the number up there but I will look now
assume good intentions with hexbear accounts
I know I'm a goober, but I genuinely think this is the crucial ingredient that has been desperately lacking the last few months
not just with the admin/mod team, but with most users in general tbqh. people seem so ready to assume the worst of each other, and it has been heartbreaking to watch.
honestly feel like such a fool for thinking the CoC actually mattered to most people, because when it comes to any sort of friction whatsoever, it goes right the fuck out the window, and who gets slapped for it seems to be entirely dependent on which mods happen to see the reports first.
probably should have figured it out when I saw reports getting publicly ridiculed when I was on my previous account, but I am a little slow sometimes.
❤️ I love you and think of you often. the world is a terrible and cruel place right now, but please know that you are loved, and I wish for you –:each and every one of you❤️❤️❤️❤️ – to flourish. 🫂 xoxo