keep falling asleep with the lights on. it's bothersome
SterlingPooper
joined 5 years ago
Like I said, I wish people were more sympathetic. I found that by telling people I was struggling, I was starting a countdown timer before they'd get sick of me. Don't know what I could've done, short of being someone else.Too scared to call therapist
Still too scared to call the therapist. I don't know if it's going to be a consultation or if I'm just scheduling the consultation. I want to just go in person but I don't know if it's an option.I'm too scared to pick up the phone. I'll just never make calls again. I feel like an idiot. Like I can't make myself do this, I keep trying and sitting on the website and staring at it. I would rather dissociate and daydream for 10 hours than make this call.
I do not think I can make myself do it. Which means I'll never make autistic friends or queer friends. Fuck. Like I'm completely fucked. I'm fucked.
Like in my brain it would be easier if something happened to me, and then it's out of my hands. People would care about me because the situation demands it. It's not me chipping away, wearing people down with inane questions for months because people said "ask questions" and "be persistent". The war of attrition that is neurotypical socialization is a fucking travesty.
I can't do it. I'd literally rather cry and scream and break things. I wish I could spontaneously combust. That would feel better than this. I can't make the phone call and will get worse until I do and I'm selfish for hoping anyone has anything uplifting to say, if previous attempts to open up are anything to go off of
Idk what to do anymore. I can't make myself do this. I can't. I don't know how. I'm too scared. Like I'm gonna throw my phone out the window or something or like scream idk. I can't.
The office is closed for the day. Guess I'll do drugs and watch porn or something until it's time to be too scared to call tomorrow. Like I'm gonna fucking die holy fucking shit
"Never let them see you bleed"
People generally would rather have a shiny surface level impression of each other that glides through the brain than a deeper, more detailed relationship that requires them to think very hard. They care less about broader implications and meanings and more about "does being around Sterling feel good/bad" and then deciding what to do based on that
Some that is because people, some of that is society forcing us to each be our own little cowboy and giddy on up with none of that bellyaching! I wish people were more inclined to just help each other, but alas.
Oh, okay.