Mokey

Was tired, work has been hard lately.

Picked up my young guy friend to go. I'm happy he wants to go and also go with me. I've been using his young person energy to force myself out of the house. My new rule is do not do two jam nights in a row, I get wiped out too easily.

Anyway, he's a good guy and also he's hiding how weird and funny he is, I hope I can be real friends with him but it's also okay if we don't exactly gel. He also bi and dates a trans girl which is very cool.

Played the first two tunes. I think they both went very well and my solo on the second tune was excellent. The local drum phenom baby man said my beat was very wide, which is good. I don't know if he's just being nice or not.

The beat being wide means that you make it easy for other people to lock in with you because your placement is so consistent and strong that it has a gravity to it. I dont know exactly what else it could mean, maybe just that.

Little baby man made me sad though because he stays at home and practices all day and has three different online teachers who I know are not cheap. I hate my background so much, I sincerely don't think my community understands how different things are where I'm at. The two backgrounds people have are "live in major city where culture is more ubiquitous" or "rich kid with music culture imported to the school." No one has "underfunded public school in long past decaying midwest industrial city." It's hard or even illogical to cultivate the kind of curiousity and interest for things outside that bubble and i feel like its the reason why the music isn't more popular. More people share my story than the story they have.

Everything ive ever known in my formative years has been severely damaged and dysfunctional and it is a real challenge to overcome. It's frustrating when that is seen as weird or not at all. You would be like me too if you had my experiences.

A lot of great players came out but not many in general.

There was one girl whom ive removed from social media because she was too much on the live love laugh white lady stuff and also from bad country where I suspect her family did evil. Not actually cool of me to assume all of this but I'm distrustful of white people who are like that.

A visibly gay person made me angry a few sessions ago because they were kicking musicians off to do non jazz instrument things. I'm trying to chill out about it and get to the point where I can tell them they can't do that if theyre not the host.

Saw an old friend who sounds like hes putting everything into music and it kind of makes me ashamed because I dont think I could muster the spirit to do that and I'm pretty hardcore as it is. I wish him best of luck.

I gave a ride to another friend back home, i think he might of been drunk or super anxious. He's having a hard time rn.