MHLoppy

U.S. President Donald Trump is demanding that he be immediately awarded a Nobel Peace Prize as a reward for single-handedly sparking a potential Third World War with the nation of Iran.

Moments after confirming via his Truth Social website that U.S. forces bombed Iranian nuclear sites in Fordow, Natanz, and Esfahan, the U.S. Commander in Chief began truth-ing directly at the Nobel Prize Committee.

“They said nobody could start a war as quickly as me, and as we all know, war and peace are two sides of the same coin,” Trump wrote from a guest bathroom at his Mar-A-Lago resort. [...]

Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life. “Can you imagine? Not just on the odd occasion, but every single day!” said a source with knowledge of the situation, contending that if Wiley was given a lunch that consisted of the bare minimum nutrition necessary to sustain herself, the next thing she would be asking for was clean, lead-free drinking water to wash it down with. [...]

Streaming: https://cover.lnk.to/mJpD14 (no doubt riddled with tracking)

A trailblazing new partnership will bring AI power to bestselling toys.

Mattel announced on Thursday that it had signed a deal with OpenAI to bring ChatGPT to its "iconic" toys. The toymaker is the company behind popular items, including Barbie, Hot Wheels, UNO, and more.

"We're pleased to work with Mattel as it moves to introduce thoughtful AI-powered experiences and products into its iconic brands, while also providing its employees the benefits of ChatGPT," OpenAI Chief Operating Officer Brad Lightcap said in a press release. [...]

"Nobody ran away. 'Brelok' took him (comrade) out and then ate him for two f*cking weeks," a speaker identified by HUR as a commander of a reconnaissance unit from Russia's 68th Motorized Rifle Division can be heard saying in the intercept.

Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has confirmed that should the AUKUS security pact collapse, his government remains committed to reallocating the $368 billion submarine budget to something equally unaccountable and pointless such as public housing.

The announcement follows US President Don Trump questioning the future of the trilateral subamarine agreement, which was initially designed to secure peace in the Indo-Pacific by acquiring nuclear-powered submarines so we can sink Chinese warships if they put the dog up Taiwan.

Speaking from Parliament House on this morning, the Prime Minister said that while AUKUS remains a cornerstone of Australia’s defence posture, contingency planning is underway. [...]

The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of The Onion that was sent to Congress.

If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they must cast a vote. You may be wondering why you have lucked out and received a free issue of our storied publication without so much as inserting a rider into a bill classifying The Onion as a tax-free religious organization.

Simply put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any legal loophole could.

As a titan of business, I find this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not simply a balm for my soul, but also a huge benefit to my bottom line. We are on the precipice of a new economic order, one in which affluent men like myself will be able to select their own tax rate from a drop-down menu. It’s a reality I barely dreamed possible just a few months ago. [...]

New legislation frees up president to do pretty much anything, really

After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called “frivolous” and “unnecessary” provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants. “Today we are sending to the president’s desk 200 completely clean sheets of paper that are hereby codified such that anything he chooses to fill those pages with will have the full force of law,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said as he ushered the bill through his chamber, overcoming minor pushback to ultimately win bipartisan support for the measure, which gives Trump the power to enact federal statutes, declare war, or spend the entirety of the U.S. Treasury without a single check or balance. [...]

Who will stand up for our democracy? This question, fraught in even the most peaceful times, has only grown more pressing as our country approaches its 250th anniversary. Each passing day brings growing assaults on essential liberties like freedom of speech and due process. Meanwhile, our delicately assembled legal system faces a constant barrage of threats. Even as this issue reaches publication, the U.S. military has been deployed against peaceful protestors. We teeter on the brink of collapse into an authoritarian state. That is why, today, The Onion calls upon our lawmakers to sit back and do absolutely nothing.

Members of Congress—now, more than ever, our nation desperately needs your cowardice. [...]

In the time since I have disappeared from our television screens, I have spent more time back here in this valley, in the land of my ancestors.

An excerpt (not a summary):

Maybe I never respected the craft. There is something shallow, ultimately un-serious about it all. Journalists think events determine our world, yet events tell us nothing.

If we follow events we miss what the French call questions d'existence. We miss the meaning of it all.

My yearning has led me to physics, philosophy, theology, accumulating a library of books, completing a PhD, writing books of my own and all of it maybe amounts to less than a falling leaf.

Saint Thomas Aquinas after experiencing the presence of God late in life, said that all he had written was straw.

We do not derive the truth from knowledge or news, we feel it. We participate in God — what Aquinas called ipsum esse, the act of existence — in our repose, in the quiet, in nature and in our mortality, the finality of our existence.

No one reads yesterday's headlines. But we return to the poets. A line of poetry is greater than a mountain of newsprint.

The West Asian country of Iraq has today dropped a bombshell on the international community.

Iraq’s government has announced an imminent plan to mount a ground, aerial and naval invasion of the North American country the United States of America.

A government spokesperson explained that the military action is ‘peace-keeping in nature’ and designed to protect the sanctity of democracy.

“If we allow totalitarian regimes to flourish in countries like America, then we threatened the stability of the entire region and the global community,” said the spokesperson. [...]

A “blueprint” for defence cooperation or an “affront” to Australian sovereignty? Expert opinion is mixed on the benefits and risks of AUKUS.