The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mona Lisa. “When we’re not busy tracking down a burglar who has just stolen the Mona Lisa, we’re usually staking out the compound of a black-market art dealer trying to sell the Mona Lisa, or infiltrating a crime syndicate actively planning a Mona Lisa heist,” said Secretary General Jürgen Stock, citing the dozens of times per month that Interpol agents in search of the painting typically give chase through the Paris sewers, stop Moscow-bound trains to search the first-class compartments, or put out an urgent alert to their counterparts in the Swiss Alps. [...]

Saying the threat posed too great a risk to the life of its officers, the Lubbock Police Department confirmed Thursday its SWAT team had deployed a robot that succeeded in dismantling a potentially dangerous Black man.

A spokesperson for the department, which reportedly received dozens of calls from individuals claiming to have seen a Black man at a crowded downtown bus shelter, stated that a perimeter was established and the area was promptly evacuated. Law enforcement officials explained that in situations where a Black man is detected and cannot be destroyed by conventional police methods, the protocol is to send in a tactical robot. [...]

One of the world’s greatest dealmakers is putting on a masterclass in how to navigate international relations, it has emerged.

Delivering on his promise to curb warfare in the Middle East, Donald Trump has expertly de-escalated the situation from a conflict in Gaza to an all-out regional war with a potential nuclear power.

“The guy’s a genius – this is real Art of the Deal stuff,” international relations specialist Jeremy Jung said. “He’s showing that when it comes to negotiating a centuries old, complex conflict, he really does have a lot of experience in doing dodgy real estate deals in Queens.

“When there’s a highly volatile situation like this, it’s reassuring to know that you’ve got a guy with an unsuccessful background in running casinos at the negotiating table. [...]

(I've self-censored the title because I know that some instances prefer to keep the titles "clean")

After hours of TheNeedleDrop reviews, gameplay videos, and painful cave deaths from The Paint Explainer, our algorithm figures you’ll really enjoy this beheading video. Why don’t you go ahead and give it a watch?

I see that concern on your face. You think if you watch one little beheading video you’ll get a taste for it. I promise you that is not the case. Out of the thousands of people I’ve recommended beheading videos to, only a couple hundred go on to watch another beheading video. The number of individuals who take it a step further and actually complete successful beheadings is even smaller than that. You want me to stop recommending that video? Oh, okay, your loss.

What about a video of a horse getting hit by a train? It’s crazy. The horse just explodes as the train plows into it. That should be easier to swallow, right? It’s not a human feeling pain, just some dumb old animal. “How is that even allowed on our site,” you ask. Dude, I don’t even fucking know. Shit’s crazy though. No? Wow, I really thought you’d go for that one, you love trains. [...]

Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. “While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator from the same state who remains able to voice opinions if given the opportunity,” said an FBI spokesperson, who displayed a composite drawing of an older man in a navy blue suit and explained that the sketch had been based on eyewitness descriptions of the fugitive senator. [...]

The Los Angeles Police Department has created a YouTube channel devoted to cataloging all of the sick rubber bullet shots their officers landed on defenseless protesters, sources confirm.

“Okay, okay, just let me pop a few off indiscriminately into this crowd to clear my head, and I’ll try again,” said Officer Raymond Cole, narrating his thought process after missing a shot. “Okay. Got a few there. Good hits, good hits. I’m good, now. I’m gonna headshot that guy on the corner who’s not wearing any head protection. Boom! Nailed him! And he was only, like, twenty feet away! These less-lethal launchers were designed to shoot at targets no less than fifty meters, officially making this an elite LAPD trickshot.”

Some of the individuals featured on the YouTube channel have expressed their disapproval of the LAPD. [...]

We’ve all been there: a long drive home, boredom creeping in. Driving can be so mind-numbingly dull that you find yourself browsing the latest mobile games on your phone’s app store. No worries! There’s a game for every driving situation! Here are the 20 best mobile games to play while driving.

After he was forcibly removed from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). “We express gratitude to law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public forum,” read the resolution, which won the support of 75 Democrats and praised both FBI and Secret Service agents for risking their lives to throw Padilla to the ground, handcuff him, and drag him outside. [...]

The U.K. banned the possession of ninja swords in a bid to curb what it has called a “national knife crime crisis,” carrying a penalty of up to six months in jail for the possession of one. What do you think?

“Leaving them defenseless against the return of the Tokugawa shogunate?” -Joy Tenberg, Wildlife Promoter [...]

Across Bluesky, X – the Everything App, Facebook, and Instagram, the usual profile pictures of the LGBTQ+ community are changing to drab and dreary corporate logos. The change was made at exactly 12:00am on June 1st and is expected to revert at 11:59pm on June 30th.

One user, Nando Vidal, said the change was in honor of Pride Month.

“We at Nando Vidal Incorporated recognize the past contributions of corporate America to the queer community and wish to celebrate them,” Vidal said in an image posted to their profiles signed with a block letter ‘V’. “We want the CEOs, CFOs, and other members of the C-suite community to know they matter.” [...]

Donald Trump says he has “a zero tolerance policy for violence aimed at law enforcement officers trying to do their jobs” unless it is to overthrow a democratically-elected Government after an election he lost.

Trump said anyone who attempted to break public property would face the full force of the law, or be pardoned, depending on whether it helped him get elected or not. “These criminals will be arrested and swiftly brought to justice, or lauded as heroes, depending on who you’re talking about,” a White House statement said. [...]

A local man is yet to encounter a brand new innovation in the world of AI that has been able to get even close to impressing him as much as those ‘Sipahh Straws’ did when they first came out.

“Yeah yeah a self-learning semi conscious piece of technology is cool and all, but those Sipahh Straws literally turned water to wine… well, milk to strawberry milk, which is pretty similar” explained Hank Merchant (32).

Despite being bombarded with breakthroughs in generative art, neural networks and real-time voice translation, Hank remains unconvinced.

“I mean, ChatGPT can write a screenplay in 30 seconds, but can it make a boring cup of milk taste like a banana milkshake?” he asked rhetorically. [...]

Disseminating grainy footage of the California Democrat meeting his disturbing and bloody end, Immigration and Customs Enforcement released a video Tuesday in which Gov. Gavin Newsom is seen being beheaded. “This is a message to the enemies of immigration enforcement: Gov. Newsom’s fate will be yours should you stand in the way of national purity,” an anonymous plainclothes ICE agent wearing a balaclava says as he holds a bound Newsom by his slicked-back hair and prompts him to recite a coerced statement about “paying for the sins of the American left and its insistence on universal human dignity.” [...]

MAMA MIA! Italian parliament is currently discussing the best plan of attack in response to Australia’s most recent desecration of the Pizza, the Domino’s Meat Pie Crust — many are calling for sanctions and boycotts of all Australian goods.

“We looked past the cheesy crust, we looked past the limited edition ninja turtle pizza with nameless bright green sauce on it, we even ignored “The Cheese Volcano”, but this….. this must stop” declared the Italian minister for culture Alessandro Giuli.

“We cannot allow the Commonwealth Of Australia to time and time again, completely humiliate a desecrate one of our proudest cultural exports!”

(the meat pie crust is real: https://newsroom.dominos.com.au/media/2025/5/19/dominos-teams-up-with-fourn-twenty-to-unleash-the-meat-pie-crust-in-time-for-footy-season )

As National Guard troops took to the streets ready to open fire on U.S. citizens in the name of “Making America Great Again”, President Trump reminded all Americans that he only stands against starting wars on foreign soil.

“During my decade of non-stop campaigning,” bellowed Trump at a camera in the Oval Office, “I have made it clear that I think all wars on foreign soil are stupid, even the ones I am on record as having previously supported – especially the one where I had to fake a condition so they couldn’t draft me.”

Trump turned to another waiting camera, “As everybody knows, only suckers and losers – also known as ‘the poors’ – are dumb enough to be soldiers. Sad.”

The U.S. Commander in Chief continued, as his subordinates were instructed to weep openly in admiration, “But I never said anything about not starting a war in America. The only reason anyone thinks Lincoln was a great president is because he was in charge during a civil war, and since everyone knows I am the greatest president ever, we need another one, NOW.”

Trump then pointed to a large monitor where the words “Project 2025 Military Coup” had been crossed out, and “Operation: Big Beautiful Bullets” had been written in sharpie. [...]

A member of the Los Angeles Police Department has announced a major career change, saying they have been drafted into the IDF. This comes after the cop was seen on camera shooting Australian journalist Lauren Tomasi.

“They’re a natural,” said a representative for the IDF, “they’ll fit right in, as long as they stop using those rubber bullets.”

“Obviously they need some training for the unique challenges we face. We need to see how they react to humanitarian workers, doctors, kids, Greta Thunberg… I mean terrorists. Terrorists.” [...]

Q: Is J.K. Rowling involved?

A: The author will serve as Executive Producer and Chief Goodwill Destroyer.