HexaSnoot

I want to be more mindful about the light I cast myself in. I leave myself little room to grow and it'd be beneficial to adventure my way to better self perception.

I have self esteem issues that have me avoid testing how I'll react to different scenarios. Whatever "wrong" means, I often assume I'll react "wrongly." I constantly shut down chances for myself to experience more things in life. Like when people give ideas for things I can do, I almost always reject them because I assume I'm incapable of doing those ideas.

I daydream about singing with his voice.

Also, omg, have you heard him sing Breakaway by Kelly Clarkson?

I move like I don't have a physical body. As a result, I bump into things a lot and trip. I try to go through objects like a ghost, sometimes fully expecting it'll work. Like a bee trying to leave a closed window. It happens most when I'm doing chores.

I grew up rushing to take care of my abusive family every second of my childhood, and was made to feel my self care had no significance. Even if the care is as small as taking a moment to see if something is in the way, so I don't bump into it. Like a corner while I'm rounding a corner. And even if I notice something's in my way, I will try to crash through it repeatedly before the throbbing of resulting pain reminds me to move it out my way first. The throbbing has to grow intense enough too. I might accidentally hit my head on an object 10 times in less than an hour before I watch my head. (TW: domestic violence) This is probably because my family beat me daily and I dissociate from physical pain.

Examples of things I've been told that help me understand my physical presence:

• This might sound weird, but "pretend" you have a body. This way you act like you have one.

• What are some things in your room? How big are they? What's the biggest thing in your room? How big is it? All those things thake up physical space. Just like those things, you take up physical space.

CW sexual assault, physical assault Growing up, I've been repeatedly assaulted and harassed by know it all's. That's how upsettingly nerdy they were about gatekeeping the autonomy of thinking for myself. Because they wanted to violate the most intimate of boundaries, and not have me fight back. They wanted control and power over me in every way. To play pretend that they were all powerful and intelligent wizards.

I see a lot of communists on here saying things that might lead to them being stigmatized, and I want to be able to do that more. You guys shut down nerdiness. I've been conditioned to have controlling nerd voices in my head, and automatically let them convince me out of setting boundaries and speaking up for what I believe in. Now I'm my own controlling nerd, and I don't want to be. I want to walk the right path regardless of how stigmatized it may be.

How do you shut down nerds? Especially when their opinions are antihuman? If you don't care about piggypoopballs opinions, what are your reasons for not caring?

The US gov's misinformation that we can act like covid's over is mainly so we're good servants for capital, and that's lib shit. That's mostly what I got.

People are making me feel crazy about fearing Covid. I heard a therapist go "I don't want to say Covid is OVER..." (but)

Any resources to understand would be helpful.

One that's car-sized and super jiggly, but won't fall apart. You can go on any kind of adventure in it because you can't get hurt in it. I think it'd be really cute and trippy. Could be a 10/10 amusement park ride.

For ex: I used to pick each loose hair off my body throughout my shower. Now I leave them on and pick em all off at the end, and this speeds things up.

For context, I'm gender fluid, and idk if anything I'm mentioning has do with that. Sometimes I'm desperate to express more masculinity, but it isn't an emergency level of wanting to experience a different body.

I think it's mostly a power fantasy to do with physical autonomy. With strength, men are generally bigger and stronger. There's also some sex fantasies of having a dick along with my vagina, one that can appear exclusively for sex and disappear when I stop.

Sometimes I fume over how I'll never be strong enough to throw a car. I love the idea of looking like Arnold Schwarzenegger when he was on steroids and having fun doing things only incredibly buff people can do. I personally am not turned on by the body type he had, but I'd love to have and use it. It seems like a wonderful level of autonomy.