reignited a dysfunctional short-lived romance this week because, well, last year everyone else got to do a Brat Summer and i know i'm late to that party but...why not me??
why not me, i say!?! 
spoiler
i have more sincere, less glib/less silly thoughts & feelings on this journalpost but those are my private thoughts for me and my friends no for public consumption
i feel this a lot 
one of my bestest newer friends has made it extremely clear he fw me & loves me & is just generally an open, open-minded, loving dude, and i still have this irrational fear he'll wake up one day and realize "no, wait, on second thought this dude (me) is lame, actually 
"
wtf just let the homies accessorize, if you pull off a sick look and some h8r calls you "pointless" that's on them tbh
i enjoy the part of breaking bad where the chud DEA agent gets his head ventilated. cant put my finger on it, just something about the cinematography 
i scroll chapobear at work (actually where i most use the site) so i probably shouldn't shit on my coworkers in the mega that seems like a dangerous game but on the other hand i am crashing ooooouuuuuuuuuuuuu
i could not imagine being such a fucking baby that i complain to my supervisor that my coworker isn't saying good morning to me enough. not even to customers! but to me/my coworkers.
I wish we could like, easily find work once we get bored with our jobs and that that wasnt stigmatized and we could work like 20-40 hours a week depending on how we feel and free healthcare of course.
it is nice imagining a world that actually accommodates our difference on a thorough, holistic, systemic level.... 
yeah i think i'm gonna just give up on trying to have my adhd medicated. it was a nice few month window into what i'm like when i'm not just a brainfog zombie but these backlogs are intolerable. capitalism should just turn me into fucking hamburger i'd be more useful to it that way.
fuck this shit man i hate this shit so fucking much.
did an enerdgy drink in the shower, i envy the dead 
(psych might be able to send a 90 day script for my stimmies to my insurance's shit-ass mail service pharmacy, if i can pull through the nightmare of their waitlist and coordinating being home to sign off for the pills that would be a small w, i could maybe even swing skipping two days a week consistently and that would give me a really solid back up supply)
actually yeah, once against my better judgment i did a deep dive on old hexbear dramas because i'm mentally ill and dod was genuinely very funny. can't say the same for melina.
going to scoop out the part of my brain containing the deep lore on recurring hexbear trolls now and 
wait wasn’t that Melina? wait are all 3 the same person???
ah u know what nvm, this shits boring
final death to the DEA post for the month
but the 50 dollar dystopian med finder service did find my lock-in pills super fast. idk if their efficacy varies region to region and they're of course a monstrous business model that shouldn't exist, but next time there's a shortage i'll probably swallow my pride and shell out the $$ again, it's not nothing to me but i can afford it, worth it to save all that awful stress i felt. shit sucks though, we really should not have to resort to this, medicating adhd is a very fun intersection of the evils of private healthcare and the evils of the war on drugs.