Against all odds, I think I managed to unfuck my WSL1 Ubuntu install after the failed upgrade. I fixed the scary Python errors when running apt by pointing the Python symlinks back to the expected version instead of the new one (learned a new apt command for this one: update-alternatives) and copying a more specifically-named library file to apt_pkg.so. The other apt errors were taken care of by deleting a hook that was trying to use snapd (something WSL1 doesn't support), doing the ol' apt --fix-broken install, and then creating a mysterious file in /etc/apt/preferences.d so I could use apt dist-upgrade to downgrade all my packages back to the distro repository versions. StackOverflow, you are a merciful god.
I'm not super confident that it's not going to shit the bed at some point due to an introduced weakness or dependency issues this might've introduced, which is something I can only discover through future use, but at least it's not throwing errors constantly. This proves just how much I never want to nor should be allowed to be a sysadmin, jfc. Also, goddamn, was this ordeal not even remotely worth it for stubbornly trying to avoid using Docker to compile a piece of software I was mildly interested in that doesn't distribute precompiled binaries.
Gonna try to salvage it, but I'll probably end up having to just start from scratch. We had a good run, I guess...
I got bad vibes from her from the beginning. There's nothing inherently wrong with cringe comedy, but she really harshed the vibes in a lot of collabs. More importantly, she said some very sus stuff even in the few hours total that I watched of her right after debut that reeked of channer, which was completely borne out by the recent leak. Feel awful for her genmates...they drew a bad enough hand as it was with the timing of their debuts, and they really stood beside her during all of her difficulties.
Kirsche is just VTuber Asmongold, but as far as Pippa goes, who could have possibly predicted that 
. I just needed to vent a bit.)
Guilty as charged