Ask Lemmy

If you are kinky and are feeling bad about I would highly recommend you start listening and reading to my boy Dan Savage America's longest running sex-advice columnist. Hearing and understanding other people's kinks will put your own into perspective and you will understand that the only thing typical about human sexuality is how atypical it is. Almost everyone has at least 1 "non-normative sexual desires" so keep that it mind.

How do you get rid of kink? You don't. You can't. You can try but it will always come back. So you will need to understand this about yourself and accept it. Sexuality has been keep our species alive and fucking since before we were Homo sapiens. You can't fight it.

There is a potential to pivot a kink if you understand what it is about the kink that turns you on. If you are interested in humilating and degrading the root of this may just be a power exchange. Power exchange is pretty typical and almost all kinks have an aspect of that which may fulfill that itch for in person sex. You also can keep a kink to yourself even in a relationships. So you might be "out" about being into a submissive role but not share you are in degradation with your partner.

If you are interested in learning more I would recommend you read The New Bottoming Book and the The New Topping Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. (Note the cover change in these pdfs). They will really open your eyes about how kinks are not some curse but a fun quirk of your sexuality's that gives your partners something fun to play with. Congratulations have Fun.

If this kind of play makes you truely happy Im sure you can find someone willing to be your dom. A lot of women are way kinkyer than they ever let on.

If you want to kick the fetish then just stop engaging with it. Make it off limits and find other things you like that are more socially accepted.

Find a Domme into as well be with her and be happy ?

Edit Skip all of this and just think about the fact that plenty of normal women love the Twilight series.. and yet the way women are treated in the book is... om... well I mean the point is it is a FANTASY and to judge it as something else is to fundamentally, seriously misunderstand it. Don't hurt yourself by refusing to see the nuance to the way you feel you are driven to irrational desires, see the subversion, agency and love that comes from engaging with the parts of yourself that never want to exist as a reality.

Look, the reason you call it is a "kink" is because it is something you find oddly attractive and yet also don't actually literally want (as in the person actually really meant it to hurt you and didn't say it as part of an intense roleplay).

We normally call these things "fantasies" in the rest of life when we strip the idea of sexuality and the thing about a fantasy is that it is contained within a bubble of your imagination and consent.

If don't want your future wife or girlfriend to humilate you, yeah of course.. but if she is doing it in a way that she knows turns you on and it is under an umbrella of consent.. that is none of the business of the judgemental sides to ourselves no matter how easy it is to make a deragotory joke about it being disgusting or depraved, because it is just sex that isn't our business at that point.

Remember, the number 1. rule about consentual sex between adults is.

1. It is none of your damn business what we do it and how we do it

The more common the kink, the more porn of it there is. You'll be ok. Everyone wants a spanking sometime.

I'd bet there are plenty of girls out there who can be a great loving partner and also make you feel like a loser when you want it. Instead of hiding your kink and trying to push it down, find a partner who likes you and your kink.

Well, it depends. Is it at all appealing when you're not horny? Or is it only during horny you find it appealing. If the latter, stop watching it. If it's the former you can't, it's part of you and you're probably going to have to find a way to be okay with it. I'm kind of into it to an extent but I draw the line at things that actually hurt my self-esteem. It could also be it's only part of it you find appealing.

Edit: It could also just be a fantasy and you'd hate if you actually tried it irl. I think I know how you feel. It'll be okay regardless.

Double down and explore it, I say. Maybe you find out bdsm is your thing. We can't choose our kinks.

It's not something you need to get rid of, but if you really want to move past it the best way is to actually explore it psychologically. You say you like humiliation play because you love feeling like you're worthless. Makes sense, sure, but why? What is it about feeling worthless that feels good?

Is it genuine worry in real life that you can safely explore in a sexual fantasy? Do you feel sometimes inadequate but can't talk to friends openly about it, so having someone attractive criticise you but still not leave you relieves a fundamental rejection anxiety?

Is it that part of you is arrogant and looks down on some others as losers, but you don't consciously approve of that behaviour, so the kink lets you 'play the victim' and feel better about your elitism?

If you spend a bit of time actually confronting the deeper thoughts behind a kink, it can remove a bit of the forbidden tension, and leave it as something you can still enjoy if you want, or move beyond, or find a more acceptable form that still presses the same buttons. Or just find a girlfriend who's into it!

You can't. Eh, it could be a lot worse. The best you can do is just accept it.

Everyone saying, "You can't, you can't..." Idk. Just try, if you want. You don't know until you try.

It's hard to say exactly how it happened, but if I had to guess, it's something that just kind of took root & blossomed during porn watching. While your brain is being flooded with dopamine & rewarding you, which then causes you to seek out more of the same. Maybe it's partially a shock factor thing, sometimes shock & disgust can sexually turn people on.

But I agree with that one guy, this is something that needs to be psychologically explored & understood. Do some research, see a shrink. Maybe they can shed some light on why you feel this way, why that turns you on.

You really have to feel good in your own body and see yourself as someone who can be healthy about that. I guess you like the thrill of relating to these type of videos, but some day you'll wish for normalcy. Boredom, even.