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A horse walks in to a bar. The bartender looks at the horse and asks "Didn't I see you in here with Descartes last weekend?"
The horse thinks for a moment and says, "I don't think so."
The horse vanishes.
You see, the joke is a reference to Descartes' philosophical work, specifically his oft-quoted Latin phrase "Cogito, ergo sum" which has often been overly simplified in western pop culture as "I think, therefore I am". There have been many pop-culture variations on this in varying degrees of seriousness, but more often it's used for comedic effect, such as imagining talking horses vanishing from bars. The actual philosophy is quite nuanced. Descartes even mused on the concept of thought itself, attempting to take nothing for granted.
I mean, I could have explained the philosophical background to the silly joke at the start. But that would have been putting Descartes before the horse.
Yo mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
This joke made me more ill
My dog doesn't have a nose. How does he smell?
spoiler
AWFUL
This animal joke brought to you by the people that steal bad jokes from reddit gang.
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? Incase he got a hole in one
Smash that like button for more patriot funnies!
A horse walks into the bar.
The bartender says "what is this, a set up to a joke?"
The horse goes neigh
Giraffe walks into a bar
Bartender says, "You want a longneck?"
Giraffe says, "I have a choice?"
Grasshopper hops into a bar
Bartender says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "What, you've got a drink called Steve?"
What did one Marxist-Leninist say to another?
Beanis cum piss shid fard beanis
Many such cases
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because even a chicken knows jaywalking shouldn't be a crime.
What does a marxist and an anarchist have in common?
They're in the same polycule
What’s the difference between a Marxist-Socialist and a Keynesian economist?
Several things, including but not limited to the following: The Marxist-Socialist believes that workers should own the means of production, whereas Keynesians support the private ownership over the means of production. Marxist-Socialists believe that centralized government would ultimately wither away after a revolution, whereas Keynesians advocate greater government action to ensure full societal employment. Finally, a Marxist-Socialist would not be invited to a party that a Keynesian was throwing at work because the Keynesian knows that the Marxist-Socialist would throw a stink about the way the cubicles in the Keynesian’s office were arranged.
What do witches study in college?
Broad-casting
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. The neutron asks how much. The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
How do you titillate an ocelot
spoiler
You oscillate its tits a lot
Hi sick may I request your absolute worst joke, I'm TheLepidopterists.
Why does Earth only have one moon?
Because our planet is moonogamous.
Why didn't the sun go to university? Because it already had a million degrees.
10 years ago we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash, Ron Jobs, and Kevin Bacon. Now we have no Hope, no Jobs, and no Cash. PLease don't let Kevin Bacon die!!!!!!!
A sad looking man walks into the bar and the bartender asks "what you 'avin" and the man replies "pint of camden hells please"
Two muffins are baking in the oven. One turns to the other and says "damn it sure is hot in here"
The other says "oh my god a talking muffin!"
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?
spoiler
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean
Why can't you run past a campground?
spoiler
You can only ran because it's past tents
What did the mermaid wear to math class?
spoiler
An algae-bra
Can't stop thinking about kingsfield
What's the difference between a Hippo and Zippo?
spoiler
Ones big and heavy, and the other is a little lighter
3 men walk into a bar and the bartender says... Nothing cos the bartender was replaced with a IOT beer despenser running windows 98 powered by an AI model that cost 3 bazingillion dollars to train and burnt half the planet to ashes and it still can't despense beer
Did you know that the USSR awarded the Order of Lenin to a scarecrow?
Apparently he was outstanding in his field.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.
Bad-um-tish!
How does an elephant ask for more buns?
(extends arm from nose and waggles it like a trunk) "Can I have some more buns please?"
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a spade on his head?
Doug.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man without a spade on his head?
Douglas.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man in a paper suit?
Russell.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a woman with shingles on her head?
Ruth.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with cat scratches all over his head?
Claude.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a woman with a tennis racket on her head?
Annette.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with a rabbit on his head?
Warren.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man who can't stand?
Neil.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man who can't swim?
Bob.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a woman with a sunlamp on her head?
Tanya.
Bad-um-tish!
What do you call a man with an elephant on his head?
An ambulance, you monster.
What do you call a woman with a sunlamp on her head?
Tanya.
I don't get this one
Tan as in your skin tanning from sunlight and ya as in you
Ah okay! Ty
In days of old,
when knights were bold,
and toilet paper wasn't invented,
you'd wipe your ass
with a blade of grass
and walk away contented.
This one's more of a practical joke. The person telling it uses a paper napkin as a prop.
"So you're out on a hike and you have to take a shit. All you've got to wipe with is one napkin (pull out the napkin). How do you do it?"
Let the listener mull over the dillema for a little bit, then demonstrate.
You fold the napkin in half twice, and then rip off the corner. "Hold on to this, its very important. Do. not. lose this." Then you unfold the napkin, stick your middle finger through the middle-finger sized hole, and just fucking scoop that whole shit out in one motion. Then you grab the napkin around the underside and carefully pull it off the finger, twisting back and forth, wiping the finger clean as you pull it off.
Give the listener the chance to ask, "well what do you do with the corner?" but don't wait too long. Pull it out, and use it to clean out under your fingernail.
In days of old, when knights were bold, and condoms weren't invented, woolen socks, were put on cocks, and babies werent prevented.
not really a joke but for some reason i thick it'd be really funny to make a sauce called "Christ, king of the jus"
Yo mammas so short she models for trophies
A man walks into a bar
He says "ow"
Two men walk into a bar
The third man ducks
Who is the only Superhero that can defeat Captain America?
spoiler
Captain Vietnam.
Updated version:
spoiler
Captain Afghanistan
SCP-3999 is to be contained via the following joke:
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute.”
The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.” The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The father dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The mother dresses as the father and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The son (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The son dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The daughter dresses as the father and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The father (playing the son) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The daughter dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The dog dresses as the father and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The dog (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The mother dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The father dresses as the daughter and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The mother (playing the father) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The dog dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The son dresses as the mother and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The father (playing the mother) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The son dresses herself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The father dresses as the son and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The dog (playing the daughter) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The dog dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" The dog dresses as the son and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The dog (playing the dog) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
The Talent Agent dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Family" The father dresses as the father dressing as the son and walks up to him and says "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."
The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."
The agent (playing himself ) says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."
The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."
Researcher Talloran dresses himself in a top hat wearing a sign that says "Talent Agent" SCP-3999 dresses as the father and walks up to him and says "[SYSTEM ERROR: DATA CORRUPTED. PLEASE SEE A NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE DETAILS]"
The agent mumbles incoherently.
SCP-3999 (playing the mother) says, "[SYSTEM ERROR: DATA CORRUPTED. PLEASE SEE A NETWORK ADMINISTRATOR FOR MORE DETAILS]"
The agent spits out a weak sigh, "Order is to be discarded like a humanoid melting like clams on the breakfast table. Order is the way of villians. True good is the formless void, melting and writhing and corrupting. You happy yet