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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Ok-Donut3656 on 2023-08-28 01:24:09.
I am NOT OP. Original post by u/_Dont*Quote_Me* in r/badroommates.
trigger warnings: hypochondria, chronic illness, roommate issues, abusive behavior
My roommate is a "Sick girl" and it's driving me nuts - November 14, 2019
My roommate is constantly 'sick'. Like, always sick... She hasn't gone a week without something going 'wrong'.
She has 'chronic lyme'. So she often needs to take 2+ hr showers. She needs to take up 75% of the shelving space for her herbs, herbal medicine and teas. I've walked into the apartment before, all of the lights off with her sobbing in a towel on the sofa claiming all of her joints feel like they're on fire... and her ashwaganda and Turmeric tea isn't helping (Yes, this is an actual thing she said). She refuses to take medicine for it, or will only take half an advil.
She has asthma. So when it's too hot, she needs to stay home. But when it's too cold, she needs to stay home. She can't have strong scents - but she has no problem burning sage and burning the most heavily purfumed candles.
She has 'non-diabetic hypoglycemia.' So she goes 'hypo' every once in a while. She went hypo.... 4 times when I first moved in. She'd call me, weak as a kitten, begging me to drop everything to come rescue her. I stopped after the third time and told her I'd let her die on the street next time if she can't practice self-care... well... wouldn't you know it... she hasn't had an episode in ages. Oh, but she also needs to eat at 3am, because she'll 'sleep too long, go hypo in her sleep and die,' so she 'needs to eat just before I go to bed!' so she's often cooking until 2-3am, then eating. Except she'll then sleep until 1-2pm on the weekends, or whenever she's 'too sick to go to work.' She also claims she needs to eat a TON in order to maintain weight, which is why she cooks so much. She throws out about 2/3rds of her food every week...
She has a formerly torn rotator cuff. It was about 15 years ago... And god forbid you forget it.
She gets ovarian cysts... Probably true. It's happened four - five times since I've known her. She'll beg me to take her to the ER. A Tylenol and a couple hours later, she's perky and fine... I've stopped caring when I hear her sobbing.
The list goes on and on. And she makes sure that I know every problem. And I MUST care. I MUST care or I'm a horrible, sociopathic, sexist roommate.
For Halloween she went from being fine the day before to having the 'flu' and she needed complete silence, needed me to vacate the apartment and stay away until she 'allowed' me to return. I came back randomly (because %@& you) and she was conducting video conferences. We got into a shouting match and I called her out on faking illnesses and she went NUCLEAR - full on screaming at me to leave (so much for having the flu?) and move out if I can't handle having a roommate with a chronic condition.
She was full-on screaming at me - Claiming that I don't understand what it's like 'to suffer from a chronic condition'. (I do have one, I just keep it under wraps and try not to bother others with it, she doesn't care).
Except she fakes and over-exaggerates her illnesses so often that I've completely stopped believing her and giving her sympathy. Incidentally, she runs to her friends to bad-mouth me and makes me out to be this horrible person.
Oh... by the way, for Halloween? Yea, after that shouting match, she claimed she was too weak to continue on... so she went to bed while I went to the gym. An hour and a half later - I see her in the hallway, in full costume and heels she just went 'oh yea, isn't it a miracle? I feel so much better! Byeeee, I'll be back around 2-3am!'
As for toady - she just knocked on my door to let me know how difficult it is for her to breathe right now... we just had a full conversation, she was fine. She has been giving these little 'hem hem' coughs randomly throughout the day, and even went to Yoga. I suggested she get a cup of tea and try to relax. Or that she call it early and lay down, see if laying down will relax her muscles - she started getting angry that I wasn't taking her seriously, I asked her what she'd like me to do? She just walked away and sat back down on the sofa, I went back into my room and started writing this post.
My sympathy is totally maxed. She's cried wolf so many times, she actually refers to herself as a 'sick girl' as if it were a title! I don't believe any of her conditions except asthma are real because she has an inhaler. Can I have her committed to an asylum? With any luck I'll soon get a job that's 2x my current pay and I'll be free of her.
'chronic lyme'
Lyme disease exists.
post-lyme syndrome exists.
chronic lyme does not exist.
Agreed. She is from a Lyme dominant area, so I do believe her initial Lyme story from 10+ years ago.
But she can't maintain a consistent story with her health now. She can't eat 'gluten' or have alcohol 'or the sugar will metabolize and cause intense inflammation pain!' but she'll drink a few times a month and be fine. I've called her out on this and then she'll suddenly act like she's in pain. And she'll use her 'chronic condition' as a cudgle to beat people into submission to get her way, or garner sympathy from others.
When I point out I have a chronic condition, too (that I keep under control and minimize impact on others as best as I can) - she flat out says she doesn't care about my conditions.
Call me dumb but what do lyme disease and two hour showers have in common?
She claims super hot showers calm her nerve pain and join inflammation.
OOP: (replying to themself)
Her remedy for muscle pain is to - take a boiling hot shower, sip some ashwaganda tea, ask for sympathy from anyone and everyone, then just lay in bed.
If she's feeling particularly motivated, she'll have some angry Alanis Morisestte playing in the background...
You need to set some serious boundaries. It sounds like a way to exert control over others rather than an actual condition. Tell her the illness isn't a problem, but making me live my life a certain way is and it ends now. You should say if SHE can't handle keeping to herself and having reasonable expectations of you (I would NEVER ask a roommate to leave the house they pay for) then SHE is the one that needs to live without roommates. HER conditions shouldn't have any effect on you and that should be made VERY clear! Additionally, I would say constantly having to hear about these problems is really a drain on your emotional well being. Tell her if you wanted to take care of someone, or even hear about someone's problems to such an extent, you would have children.
I agree. I think she likes to be babied and coddled. We've been friends for 12 years, but I lived abroad for half that time... when I came back, she had turned into this utter basketcase. But she kept it under wraps until I signed the lease, then it was pure insanity.
One big issue I have is that she'll just decide not to go into work often. She'll take so many sick days... and she doesn't get fired. But I'm a remote worker. I took this job, specifically to stay home and she knows this.
So she'll start working from home claiming 'illness' and then dominate the living space from 10am - 2am. If I try to nudge my way it, she will have an 'important phone call' and ask me to go into my room.
I thought we had a good balance at first - I had the living room where I could enjoy having the living space from 9am to 5pm... she'd come home and she had the whole living space to herself until she went to bed at 2am.
But she threw that out the window and now screams at me if I explain to her 'a cough doesn't mean a day off'.
**My Roommate Is A "Sick Girl" And Has Locked Me Out Of The Apartment! [Update]** - November 16, 2019
In a thousand years I never thought I'd be one of those people to write a continuation of a story... but today was just too much and I need to vent / share.
**TL;DR - She demanded I not return for the weekend, locked me out of our apartment and the front ...
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1635lgu/my_roommate_is_a_sick_girl_and_has_locked_me_out/
EDIT - Changed: "I asked if I was threatening her' to the actual 'I asked if she was threatening me.' She threatened me, I asked if she was threatening me, she said 'yea, I'm fucking threatening you.' UPDATE - I spoke with a lawyer yesterday and they were very blunt... I'm in an abusive situation and I need to get the hell out ASAP. They were very clear - she could slam her head into a door, call the police and they would arrest me, I'd have to hire a criminal lawyer to fight the charges, etc... Her threat is just too severe to ignore, so more than likely I'll be finding somewhere else to stay until she leaves the apartment.
Comment: Pragmatism dictates you gtfo and cut contact. What do you have to gain from engaging in this conflict? Her life is it's own punishment. You owe yourself a duty to be happy. But your losses and walk around out as soon as you can sort out some sort of subletting arrangement. Find a new place first and pay double rent for a month. Worth it. OOP: Sadly, I do not have the money to leave. I wish I did, but I don't.
Comment: Well, you have documentation, I’m assuming this ain’t her first rodeo and has pulled this stunt before, and doesn’t have documentation. Stand your ground, listen to the LGBT centers advice and in the future, get references before you have another roommate. OOP: That's the sad thing... we had been friends for over a decade and I thought I knew her. I never, never, never, NEVER saw this side of her or ever saw this coming.
Comment: You need to go to the police and start a paper trail. You dont have to take action beyond that yet, but future you will be thankful if she ever decides to dick you over to the police. Then, hate to say it, but you probably need to cut your losses and go. You're fighting crazy, which is bad enough, but the thumb on the scale is that you're fighting a manipulator. Its not worth it. File your report incase she decides to 'show you whos boss' even after youre gone, and incase anyone else ever files against her and needs you as back up. OOP: This is what has been the problem for me. I want to go to the police, but I can't afford rent by myself on this place. So I need to start a paper trail of her abusive behaviour in case the worst happens, but I don't want to get her in so much trouble (yet) that she is evicted or can't pay rent... So I'm in a weird waiting game where I WANT to go to the police and cover my ass, but she's also, hopefully, leaving... Can I go to the police and just file a report without triggering anything? Or at least inquire?
Comment: Holy crud, OP. After your prior posts I was fully on the "This bitch is nutso" wagon, but now I'm considering shifting slightly to "This bitch is nutso and also an evil, manipulative hosebag." You're doing everything right, documenting stuff and going for the consult. I can't do anything but wish you best of luck, whatever happens, and may you soon be free of this demon. OOP: Thank you. The game plans right now are: Go to the LGBT center and consult the lawyer there and see if there's someone who can take pity and help me pro bono. Then go to the police. Wait until Jan 1st and tough it out. I won't even be here for the last 2 weeks of Dec and first 2 weeks of Jan, so it's fine.
[1yr Update] My Roommate Was A "Sick Girl" And I Cut Her Out - January 31, 2021 Hi All, About one year ago I posted a series of posts about the roommate I was living with at the time. She was a "sick girl" who over-exaggerated her symptoms for sympathy and control over peoples lives. She was the kind of person where if you didn't keep up to date with her ever-changing illnesses, drop everything and cater to her every whim with infinite care, compassion and understanding, well - you're clearly an abusive psychopath who should have the police routinely called on them, oh and she also tried to steal around $4k from me. I just wanted to give a year-after update. Everything is great! I live on my own now. Which sucks financially, but I'm also living a much more calm, relaxed and stable life. It's nice to be me again. I no longer have to deal with the insane accusations from someone whose mood changes like the wind. Or someone who decides they have a new illness and it's 'my responsibility' as their roommate to wait on them hand and foot. And if I don't, well... The gaslighting, the abuse, the mud slinging, the name calling, the threats of harm and destruction, the filthy state of the apartment she'd leave for me to clean up, the smear campaigns where she'd tell everyone I was abusive, trying to steal rent money from me... AND the deposit! The threats she'd make to call the police because I'd call her out on her abusive behaviour... it's all gone! I still can't believe I got through it. The one thing I thank my luck stars for is that she moved out at the end of February 2020. If she didn't, she and I would probably have been stuck together for all of 2020 for quarantine. I'd have been stuck with a munchausen-based, narcissistic psychopath. She clearly had some kind of mental illness that exacerbated her (in my non professional opinion) inherent instability and attention seeking behaviours. And all of that, in an inescapable situation would probably have been the death of me. She has made several attempts to contact me since then. (The fucking audacity!) Always with a friendly, "Oh my god, I hope you're okay! Things are so nuts, right?" I always grey-stoned her, and as of last week, with her last Hoovering attempt, I completely blocked her on all social media, all phone accounts - even her flying monkeys. She has been exorcised from my life. One of the other reasons I wanted to post was that I learned of a very particular type of abuse. I didn't know I was a victim of it and once I learned what it is, it armed me with the ability to shut this shit down in the future. It is calledReactive Abuse.
It's an insidious method of abuse - It's when the victim reacts to the abuse they are experiencing. The victim may scream, toss out insults, or even lash out physically at the abuser. The abuser then retaliates by telling the victim that they are, in fact, the abuser. I believe the young, hip kids call it 'cry-bullying'. And that's exactly what it is. Every time my roommate would come at me with some kind of insane, deranged accusation I'd either stand my ground or tell her to fuck off. And that - telling her to fuck off - was 'abuse beyond measure' in her words. Enough where I clearly am in the wrong and she believed she was absolved of all wrong-doing, not that she ever did anything! I was just an "uncompassionate dick", in her words, after all. Please be aware of this style of abuse. It can come out of nowhere and no one wants to be seen as the abuser. And here's the best advice I can give to anyone in this situation: Standing your ground is never wrong, and remember, the best way to enrage a narcissist while keeping yourself in the clear is to listen to their bullshit, their baiting... then just... smile, nod and say "okay!" No sarcasm, no cheekiness to it, just a neutral "Okay!" with a smile. They'll go insane and you literally give them nothing.
OOP has gone no contact with their old roommate and the situation has been resolved, this is being marked as CONCLUDED.
Reminder - I am not the original poster.
Thank you!