nonbinary

It's been a good while since the contradictions sharpened hard enough for me to just be like "I changed my sex this past year" and start putting my entire self under the label "nb". This rules, btw, it's been very healthy for me. It was distinctly not a Very Special Episode

I think it has presented some terminology and labelling/word trouble though, as much as internal re-sexing of the body is awesome and cool and rad. One of the best examples I can think of is that I kinda wanted an alternative for "wife", on account that my partner is agender. Between us, we didn't really come up with anything good, though? I do like saying "my beautiful better half" a lot, but there are many sentences where that doesn't sub in 1:1 for "wife", and tbh we might also continue use of that...

I was also big into saying things like "girlkisser" and being a really annoying lesbian all over the place, (I am still into that) and I mean, I could still do that... but there's not really an equivalently snappy meme to indicate the sort of t4t I am an enjoyer of, I guess. It feels weird, and I just started leaning on saying "t4t" a lot.

I'll probably get laughed at for this tiny mindpalace, and it does feel a lot of the time like I arrived at being nb backwards, or via incorrect thought or lacking in theory or something. Ripping out and replacing all the gendered terms I use for myself was awesome, it fucks! Trying to change the gendered terms I use to express attraction is painful! Nobody else seems to have this problems though, so y'know, doesn't feel that good distressing! Unpleasant! What do I read to fix this!!

Realized I was fluctuating in how I feel about this personally for my sense of self and was wondering how other enby ppl feel about it?

Sometimes I feel totally baffled by other people's gender and gendered social norms and cues and feel pretty strongly agender, other times I feel a pretty strong sense of my gender as being a positive kind of "thing in itself" that isn't a woman and definitely not a man, but there aren't really universally understood cues and roles for what that is interacting with cis ppl

I feel like I might be better off if I were in a culture that had an understood tradition of a third gender role but I struggle to articulate what that is

It's somewhere between futch femme and lightly masc queer "boi"? Idk

It didn't feel right IDing as a binary trans woman, but it was much better than cis guy, and enby feels right as a label but I sometimes feel like I'm not "trans enough?" Idk

I like femmy stuff sometimes but most of my clothing and style are fairly unisex

It feels kinda like when I came out as bi/pan and kinda felt from interacting with gay spaces and straight spaces that I was too queer for the straights and not gay enough for the gays

I don't wanna sound like I'm trying to be all "oh boohoo I'm so misunderstood and special" or whatever because I know it all sounds really adolescent and conceited and I'm too old for that lol but idk if other enbys have some thoughts on feelings agender vs a third gender. I guess this is where terms like "demigender" "demigurl/boi" come in? Idk

C'mon man, there's at least three jack

Thanks in advance lovely ppl

Though the "Soy disrupts hormone levels and causes feminization!" broscience shit is obviously a myth, as an androgynous vegan who is really loving the effects of estrogen (that I definitely got from and not little blue pills, by the way) and has this like "my gender is really whatever you wanna make of it, if it even is to exist" dynamic going on in terms of how I identify, soyboy just kinda hits, y'know?

Obviously, reclamation only goes so far, especially for a pejorative neologism that is a bit more memey and weak, so it's something that I wouldn't throw out as a serious label when sharing a detailed description of my gender identity, but the term is a vibe for me in a way that's larger than it just being a goofy meme that I play around with a bit whenever I hear chuds throw it at me or even anybody else.

it's hard to know exactly what to call this because the way someone approaches hormones has nothing to do with "how nonbinary" they are. but i still know there are ways to use hormones in ways outside of the typical pathways and that plenty of us find that fits us better. but I haven't seen a lot of information about what the options are, and infos about safety.

but to be clear about the kind thing i'm talking about, i mean doing HRT in ways intended to move more towards physical androgyny, your own balance between masculinisation and feminisation, or being able to be selective about the effects you get from your hormone regime. for example, taking non-monotherapy levels of E without blocking T, low dose T, use of DHT blockers, and more.

i'm not looking for personal advice, more like inviting people to share their experiences of doing HRT this way, and anything else they might wanna share, like their aims, mistakes (since sometimes we're making guesses due to reduced medical care and research), intersections with illness or disability.

My HRT situation is quite specific because it interacts with my being intersex and also a related disability. i was unsure how much detail to include but decided to add a certain amount about both complications because the infos could still be useful.

i don't feel anything i'd call gender but it seems like most people do and that's cool