fakenews

In a surprising move at the end of his term, US President Joe Biden approves $600 stimulus checks to all Americans, fulfilling his promise of $2,000 stimulus checks in his 2020 campaign. Asked by the press why it took so long to follow up, the President replied “I just forgot. We were working so hard on the war with Ukrain..I mean Zelensk..uh anyway, we got what we needed and Merry Christmas”.

RIP

The elves will be free at least

The X CEO and Spacex Boss said kids today are entitled and lazy. "Oh so you have cancer, big deal, your ass should be at work. I was working when I was 6 and look at me now, I have a billion dollars" he said to Axios.

"No sympathy" he added, "You probably have cancer because you're woke. Kids today are woke and it's destroying America".

Jordan Peterson chimed in on X to congratulate Mr. Musk calling him "brave" "bold" and calling the 6 year old girl a "chaos dragon of destruction".

Toward the 2 hour and 45 minute mark, Mr. Trump was conversing with his dead parents and charting the stars with Anubis.

Being held in the former estate of the late Hugh Hefner, some party activities include the "cum dump challenge", "power pissing", and one odly named "clown cocaine".

Doesn't look good, folks.

The X chief called the press conference he was 60 minutes late to. When Mr. Musk appeared he looked disheveled and he was drinking a mysterious brown sludge from a tupperware container. The media asked him what it was and he said it was quote "a gift from god".

He refused to answer questions and instead told the press "Santa was coming to town".

Donald Trump is back in the Oval Office and the soul of our democracy is at stake. We need your help to fight back, but I can’t stop Trump if I can’t get a ride to the hospital, my bones are made of dried twigs and those stairs almost killed me. Oh god why didn't I hold onto the railing like my doctor has been telling me, I think both my hips are broken. Anyways I really need a ride, do you have any idea what they charge for an ambulance nowadays??? You failed Hillary Clinton. You failed Kamala Harris. Will you fail me too?

This tip was sourced from @[email protected], a true American patriot

He was quoted as saying "Sookoosookoo yabo yabo!"

HTS negotiators in Ankara did not respond to our request for comment.

The former president went on to talk about France's pornography in front of clergy, "y'know for some pious people, the porn you make? Yikes. Folks, folks, France has got some weird freaks, must be the cheese!"

Joe Biden, "sleepy Joe, sleepy Joe, y'know some say he started this fire, it's true! Him and crooked Hillary and laughing KA-MAL-A did it! To cover up their crimes. They murdered a lot of kids in this church, probably spirit cooked and ate them too".

And finally what he hopes to accomplished in 2025: "We're gonna do a lot of things, beautiful things, like put Howard Stern back on the air. What, oh he's still on the air? Well then he'll be free to the public. FART MAN! Remember that? Oh how we loved his gags. And don't forget Rob Zombie too, he's getting a medal for White Zombie."

The sting comes after a decades long operation of the FBI to uncover the "French Tickler" a man responsible for running an underground ring of illegal cartoon porn uncensored from Japan. That man turned out to be former Vice Presidential hopeful Tim Walz.

In a recent interview with HexMedia, Grohl regretfully admits that "My Hero" was an emotional tribute to his then-time hero Donald Trump. Grohl explains that "You have to understand, in 1998, Trump was someone that was admired by Democrats and average Americans who believed in the American dream. He was a big aspiration for people wanting to make it big".

Grohl now deeply regrets that one of his most well known songs was written about someone that he would grow to deeply despise. Still, the Foo Fighters frontman believes that the song carries a positive message despite who it was written about.

The vile killer of Brian Thompson, the prestigious CEO of UnitedHealthcare, has been found dead at their personal computer browsing unpopular terrorist forum "Hexbear".

Federal police are currently withholding the suspects name, but have told reports they were found wearing a dirty ushanka and had received two self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the back of their head.

The 78 year old former president also went on to say he wants schools to allow vaping DMT on campuses and during class for all students.