depression_now!

Depression Now 🤣

Hi, I'm a 26yo male. 2025 probably have been one of the worst year of my life, I broke up with someone I loved a lot (after 6 months of relationship), I left my old therapist because he wasn't helping me anymore to seek help from another one that is just unavailable and dishorganized, I might be losing my job (because of my mental health and instability of myself and the job itself), last week I almost killed myself with xanax, lexotan, ketamine and alcohol. I blacked out 2 days. I'm heavily addicted to porn and couldn't quit after 10 years of attempts.

My therapist told me I might be having PTSD from childhood trauma, my mother was suicidal for a period of time and almost killed me one time by trying to threw me off of a cliff.

I have to take a decision before next week if keeping this job or to leave, which I cannot do for sure because I'm too fucked up and dissociated. In the peaks of my dissociation I struggle talking as well.

My new therapist was unavailable last week when I said I was suicidal, and wasn't available after my attempt, she just asked "how are you now?" From WhatsApp. This was my first attempt and it came after 5 fucking years of therapy and spent on my mental health which at this point I think was useless.

My last breakup lit the fire up, and it slowly and painfully destroyed everything around and inside me, but I'm not even disappointed at the breakup itself, I'm disappointed at the fact that I took it as the end of the world and have to start everything all fucking over again every single time, from the abyss of suicidal depression and addiction. I'm disappointed at myself mostly because I'm the way I am and I cannot bear anything without destroying my life and the life of others.

I feel consumed in the depth of my bones, fragile, needing some real rest from myself and the world.. I think there's a point if bipolar people spend a lot of time in bed, they are exhausted, I know that feeling, it's just their body trying to compensate, a biological response to their tiredness.

My only hope at this point resides into psychedelics because that's the only thing that actually did something for me, and I think I'm planning to take some LSD and face all of this once and for all. I would like to do this with a therapist, but it's hard to find one that does this and even harder after changing 2 of them already. But as I'm scared to do this alone and having a guide would be far more effective, I will try harder.. It's just that this whole situation feels unbearable and I don't really know where I'm going.

Today I also had the desire to take benzos like last week, but I knew it would end up in another SA.

I don't even know what I need.. To get out of the chaos? But chaos feels like home.. I would just want to sleep for 3 weeks..

wife is alcoholic. standard mean girl. i am lonely. ten years married. my first wife died in my arms when I was 31. many years older now but I still miss the days when I was good enough. just good enough. not just a paycheck. when I was worth being attracted to even. i am tired of living check to check. being told to bring home a “juice box of wine.” being gaslit if I bring up my concerns. or my worries. or my stresses or self care.

am i meant to be here to be a paycheck and transportation and a pin-cushion when someone needs a punching bag.

i just want to sleep and wake up and be enough to someone.

There we roll again.

Xanax was something like 2mg, lexotan 2.5 mg i suppose, and a glass of strong wine.. I am feeling really relaxed, like nothing matters and sleepy, but am I really in danger?

It's hard to walk straight and I kinda am forgetting what I am doing along the way.. Yesterday evening I also took another 2mg of xanax and then smoke DMT which did nothing except make me more aware of the mess I was living in.

I don't think I care if I die but I just don't want to suffer

Update 1: added another 15 drops of lexotan, it's kinda getting hard keeping count, it is 2.5mg/ml, how many drops is an ml? Should I really care? How does respiratory arrest feels like? Will I suffer? Or just fall asleep? I suppose benzos will at least ease out the pain.

Update 2: woke up a couple of hors later, taking more lexotan and see if I can lead myself to tomorrow's

Hobbies are a useless waste of time if you can't monetize them. They won't help depression either cause depression is mostly circumstanial, the only panacea for depression is having a lot of money, not being a wage slave, and having agency to make what you want in life. Oh lots of sex too.

I'm fucked why is my phone as dry as the death valley I'm fuckedwhy do I have to spend like most of my life confined to my room because no one cares about me enough to hang out or anything I'm fucked make the pain go away I'm fucked.

ive always had that fear. or rather, ive always know that i am ultimately alone through various circumstances of my life and whatnot, not to mention that at the end of the day, yeah, youre supposed to be selfcaring and selfreliant enough to be comfortable with yourself or whatever but

anyways, this is just a ramble so it doesnt have much sense but, i had 50 and something bucks after finally managing to get some work here and there, but my family asked for money again, so i just gave them all of it in a fit, because im tired. its just the same. i never do anything to them; it doesnt matter i clean all the dishes, do two daily deliveries plus whatever other order they need to do, and whatever else they ask of me. it doesnt matter that they dont give me food, that i literally have no friends, that i have tried to kill myself in the past and they still insist on my depression being made up, that im just a lazy, abnormal person that doesnt get on with the program and get a job, and im just not cut out for it, man

im sick of it. im tired. and im just literally sick. fuck illegal immigration, neurodivergence, capitalism, gender dysphoria, gender roles, consumerism, and fuck not being given a. fucking choice before being put in this place i just want to die. and the best part is that it would even matter that much in the grand scheme of things, but i cant detach myself from my selfish point of view enough to shed the fear and just do it. just put a stop to it

its all so complicated and here i am just fucking whining. bemoaning to the internet because i literally have no one that will listen because everyone eventually is pushed away by some way or another i just dont know what to do. or how to do it. or i just dont know. and its not worth it. its definitely not worth it. and yet here i am

(sorry for my english, this is not my 1st language)

i dont want to live, but recently i've read on wiki that s..ide of somebody affects on average 6 folks that knew the victim of s..ide, and now i think that i just cant k.. myself because this might hurt my friends' feelings, and i dont want them to feel bad because of me. and now i dont know what should i do. i really dont like my life and im tired of anything, but at the same time i cant just leave all my friends alone w/ their own depression and just leave this world. i just dont want be the reason of anybody's progression of depression.

.

After years of caretaker's fatigue from managing my now 11-year-old's behavior issues, I signed myself up for a 3 day per week program at our local crisis center. He has been diagnosed with disruptive mood deregulation disorder and ADHD, but in all reality, he most likely has a personality disorder. In 2023, we had the police out to our house something like 27 times over Memorial Day weekend and he followed that up with 8 back to back acute stays all over our state. He was finally admitted to a residential facility after we forced DCS' hand through a psychiatric lockout.

Well, he was home for about three months before he kicked it up again, this time over boundaries placed on a Nintendo Switch. After a several day meltdown, he jumped out of a second story window onto our driveway and eloped to a stranger's house about a mile down the road. He was taken to the hospital with a pretty bad head injury and after clearing trauma, was admitted to another acute stay. Tonight was supposed to be his discharge and I am again refusing to pick him up. Tomorrow, DCS will charge me with abandonment again and I'll get to spend another year fighting them in court to try to have my son kept somewhere that he can be safe from himself.

This probably sounds uncaring. He doesn't care about me. I don't think he ever has. Or any of his family really. He built and subsequently destroyed a relationship with his 5-year-old brother over the last three months and doesn't care. He has repeatedly tried to get me arrested so he could "roll the dice on another foster placement that won't have rules on his switch". I'm so exhausted. I don't want to do any of this. I just wanted to have a happy family.

I can't even connect with my wife or younger kid anymore. I've been too busy talking to DCS or driving all over the state for visits. They celebrated Easter without me because I was at home watching the 11-year-old kick holes in the walls of our hallway.

I called the police again last weekend and I hate calling the police. I don't want them in my house and they almost never have anything beneficial to say. I needed to have him transported to the crisis center and they refused and just told me to try hitting him. DCS just says to call the police in crisis. The crisis center just ignores us because we've been there so often that our concerns are just dismissed at this point because it's a chronic behavioral issue, not something actually manageable.

So I'm just broken now. Waiting for the inevitable calls that I've abandoned my kid again, how horrible I am, and how I'm going to be punished. For wanting my kid to be safe from himself and the rest of my family to be safe from him. I've been to hundreds of family therapy sessions. I've spent months of my life living in hospitals and crisis centers because he is so entitled. I don't even know how he got this way. Maybe this is just my punishment for raising him wrong. I don't know. I was 23 when I had him and his mom abandoned him with me. I didn't know what I was doing with a kid.

I'm so exhausted. I have another session for therapy tomorrow and I just don't want to go. It's the second one and I just want to sleep, but I can't even do that. I haven't slept in days. Maybe I'll get tboned on the way there and won't have to deal with it.

No amount of positive thinking, or mindset changing will improve your life. It's just an exercise in self gaslighting. Don't waste your time or energy. If your life sucks and it can't get better, it's better to just accept that and just escape, distract, or medicate your way through it, than expect anything will change for the better via chance, luck or effort. Certainly thinking it will, being positive etc is useless.

I'm done with myself. I'm aware that I haven't fully resolved my past problems from the childhood times, but couldn't I have at least some peace in life. The problem with having no goals and going nowhere is already solved. I'm even very outgoing person and in control of life, but this unbearable anxiety. It's just killing me and leaves me helpless, in the state of defenceless child. Imagination od self-harm and wanting to disappear is not possible to avoid. Just wanted to be a crybaby for a moment and not expecting any advice.

never was good in school, was one of the lowest grades kids in my year, but in math and gym i was very high, and those logical and easy classes. i always been very good at video games, card games, boardgames, sports and other stuff where you can use basic math and logcial thinking in.

finished high school with eeh lower grade score then most others i would say, but still a little bit under the avrage grade avrage in our country, (went to sport school so spport classes gave me a bit better grade). i fought i was just very good at math, cooking, food, logcial thinking, and i just was just bad at languge, history and remeber words.

started on uni right after, and it went worse, i just couldnt deal with it, so i failed and dropped out after 1 year, took a break 2 years, worked and tryed to go in sports, dint go well, went back to school, same shit, dint go well, i felt something was wrong with me. i contacted the doctor, about depresseion, talked about stuff why i was sad (sueside foguhts, no motvation to do stuff and so on), and we brought up adhd, and i was alredy diagnosed with languge disorder since i was a child (my parents never told me anything).

my whole life i just felt i was stupid and had no motvation, since i never did good in class, i just told myself, your just as smart as others (guess it worked, still i am here to this day). never been able to take instruction, never felt like i could talk with others, always was the bad social guy.

working has not much issue languge issue with basic blue collar work or similar basic stuff. but no, i my brain just dint awnt this, my brain just went 1 million foguhts about why were doing this, and i just chased more dopamine or it was just to boring. told myself its becuse social media and games just made my dopamine receptiors overloard most of my life and has to take time to adjust to boring easy work. but no dint work, speed up to now, took a adhd test at the doctor, yee i got add, yay. now i know why i had it this awefull whole life. languge disorder and adhd.

im 25 right now, and i failed this univeristy aswell, and honsetly i just dont see much point in living. its just so hard to fucos and even learn more advanced stuff. and when im doing basic stuff, my brain just go insane.

maybe im just stupid not going to the doctor earlyer? but i asked my parents why its so hard to learn and motivate on school, and they just told me that i game to much. even recently after i found out i had languge disorder (from my insruance paper, and doctor visit), i asked my parents about my languge disorder, and they just told me "go and read a book, and you will have no problem" and i have read os much stuff tro my life, and for example latin words i just never remeber, never could.

i have no idea what to do from now off, maybe beg for disable salary, and try to fix my life or find way i can enjoy life?

Don't think you're better than them or you're not the bad case. You'll feel so much better with them that the downsides are 100% worth it.

You can get off them when you were able to deal with the problems. You've suffered enough.

36, frustrated, angry, bored, uninspired and stuck in a safe, boring, but tolerable dead end job. A job which I'll be stuck doing for the next 30 years till retirement cause this is as far as I can go in my life. Failed and burned out from multiple business ventures, and have completely given up hope in building a successful business empire or doing anything of note period. I've resigned myself to my fate. My question is how to accept & cope with the misery that is my mediocre and boring life? Drugs? Alcohol? Criminal activity?

I'm very lonely and live thousands of kilometres from home, the only person I have in my daily life is one friend. lately he's been pretty obsessed with this girl and we haven't been talking so much because of it so I thought it would be the perfect time to through with it since I had a lot of alone time. I won't go into detail about what happened next but I do recall coming-to and him knowing I was depressed and not hearing from me for days he had decided to check up on me and see how I'm doing. when I explained to him what happened he broke down into tears and it's the only time I've seen him cry in the 7 years I've known him. I'm just shocked, I always wondered firsthand how people would feel if I did it and now I think I know. my family is really far away so they probably won't ever know this happened but I just don't know how to feel. I'm tired of feeling so much pain but I also take other emotions into account now, no antidepressants or therapists have ever been enough to heal the damage of a fucked up life. just don't know how to feel.

Is this just me?

After my last break up I can't seem to get out from this depression relapse..

I reduced media use drastically, like almost to zero, I am swimming 3-4 times a week, doing yoga 1-2 times a week, going to work every morning with my bike, doing only cold showers, being in the sun, being in nature, playing my guitar, being around people as much as I can, being around my little dog and my cats, eating super super healthy, not doing any drug, not drinking, not smoking, reading self help books..

I'm doing everything, everything that can possibly be done without meds probably, but my mind feels so down and so "lazy", last night I was sleeping on the ground because I had scabies and got cured, I had my bed changed and didn't want to sleep in my bed without having a shower first, but it felt too hard to have a shower..

I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks because it feels so hard to change myself and to wash them.

Even tho I'm really putting effort into all this stuff, I feel like I have zero energy and my mood is like 90% of the times terrible, and 8% of the times acceptable and 2% kinda OK(?)

I'm used to most of the stuff I said in the beginning, it's just what I do in my life is most of the time, except I would increase media consumption from times to times. How the hell can I be depressed?

I feel like this time I'm doing everything right, and in fact at least I don't feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past.. But you know, it feels like great effort isn't really paying back..

I feel like I'm pushing and pushing and pushing but I don't get anything back, if I miss the pool one time, it's just a mood drop..

I feel super weak, I also have some bad "blood sugar drops", or at least that's what my family says, and I'm also considering I might be having some deficiency or nutrition related issue at this point.

My therapist is insisting like a lot to put me on antidepressants, but they made me feel terrible in the past. Microdosing is the only thing that worked decently but I got tinnitus from it (which now is gone), but my therapist doesn't even want to consider it, and I felt actually good last summer and at the beginning of my relationship without any drug at all, which made me think I finally won, but I didn't.

No substance come without a price to pay and I don't want to feel so bad again with antidepressants.

What to do?