relation_anon4238

He and I still talk, we were just gonna text less but I completely spiraled and thought he wanted to leave. My mental health has obviously been bad + I have bad attachment issues but I’m feeling better now!

Everything will remind me of him. It’s just for a day, but knowing me, I’ll be devastated. Even when he says “don’t be sad”, even when it’s for our mental health. Even when it’s for the best, I’ll still miss him.

I would start crying if i thought of him or him hugging me. I’m thinking about it right now. I know it’s something I can’t have. Even for that day.

Everything is affecting me so strongly, it feels more like a break-up than a one-day break. Even when I can still text him sometimes, even when I help him and allow him to do what he wants.

I’m scared one day, he’ll start to see I’m a bad, mentally-ill girlfriend and break up and think ill of me. Maybe he won’t, maybe he’ll support me and love me, though, i hope so.

I feel like sometimes, he will leave me even when he says “I’ll always be here”. Maybe I’ll push him away. Maybe I have already.

It’s supposed to help our attachment to each other and mental health to take a break, but we’re gonna miss each other deeply. I was sad before and we were talking so much but I had a PTSD breakdown and now we’re not gonna speak to each other. At least it will be 24 hours sending like one message to each other but I think I’ll cry more.

He wants to take one, and I won’t force him to not do it just because of my selfish desires, but I will miss him and want to know if anyone was in a similar place or knows how to help me “survive”?

I probably need one since I’ve been not mentally well, but I think future me will struggle to take it well due to attachment to him and missing him even when i’m not supposed to talk to him. Plus, everything that reminds me of him will cause me to start sobbing.

When I was 8 years old (I also have autism), I was different from the other girls. Not just because of my autism, but because I didn’t want to be like a girl. I was convinced that secretly, I had male parts. I could be like the strong, tough boys I saw. I didn’t want to be feminine and “put on makeup like a girl”.

I got my hair cut short and I was so happy. I looked like a boy. I would enjoy feminine stuff, like playing with dolls and wearing dresses, but I wanted to be like I thought my dad was: a tough, strong guy.

When I was 10 or 11, the feeling happened again. I wanted to be like my favorite make characters. A cool rockstar. I wanted to use he/him pronouns. My girlfriend at the time didn’t like that, but we broke up and we were both immature and toxic to each other at that age.

I didn’t mind wearing a binder, which I did when I was 12 with my dress. I forgot why.

I was trans as a teenager until I detransitioned one day because my girlfriend at the time was mean to me for it, along with this guy I was friends with.

At age 15-16, I started to use he/they pronouns, and started to identify as a bi, then straight nonbinary transmasc.

Starting when I was 17, I was more of a nonbinary fem type.

Now, I’m probably nonbinary but I’ve been identifying as a woman because it’s what most people see me as, but I’m questioning.

Am I feminine? Am I a woman? I showed signs of wanting to be a boy, am I transmasc? I know many trans people wanted to be the opposite gender as a kid.

First off, I woke up depressed yesterday morning. Next, I couldn’t sleep until very late last night while my fiancé could easily and quickly get to sleep.

I wanted to sleep too but couldn’t, and I also needed a good cry during to being so depressed all day. I cried myself to sleep and eventually used lavender body spray to fall asleep. It seems that’s the only thing that helps me.

My fiancé can’t be there for me 24/7, and he can’t be there for me when I’m sad because it’s 2 a.m. and he’s asleep. It’s just impossible.

And I really do love him, I’m attached to him. I feel really sad for him due to his family and life, and I really care about his well-being and I love him a lot.

Sometimes I worry I’m not good enough for him, though. He, for example, likes video games and wants me to play them. I only like Minecraft, Roblox, those “chill” games. He said it was fine that I didn’t want to play, but I also have bipolar and felt extremely guilty for it. Plus, I thought when he texted “Why don’t you wanna play 😭😭💀💀” he was mad even though that’s just how he texts.

I eventually realized he wasn’t though and it was my depressive feelings acting up. The last thing I want to do, though, is make him sad or break his heart. I’m feeling a lot better today, though.

I was repeatedly bullied, manipulated, stalked by her friend, and she tried to “ruin my life” by giving me a bad reputation and treating me differently and like a monster because I was different from her. For years.

I had a crush on a girl (Girl A) before I met my current partner, (now I identify as straight or bi-curious) but she was really good friends with my bully (Girl B).

Ever since freshman year, we were friends, but we slowly drifted apart as she liked Girl B more and me less. A still liked me as a friend, just B more. A was bi but she was actually in love with B, and she was among the only ones B genuinely liked.

A got over B but they were still very close. A became on and off and distant towards me, and treated me differently. She’d go along with B and be an absolute dick and then be nice again.

B spread several rumors about me, and A said they didn’t happen and “forgave” me, but B continued to harass me and be a jerk.

B manipulated me and tried to throw things at me too, including saying I was too disgusting to find love or be sexually harassed because “no one wants an autistic girl”.

A just went along with it even though she was nice sometimes, but was it okay that I cut contact due to her close association with B and her occasional behavior?

Mark was a friend of mine I met in my sophomore year of high school. He always hung out in my friend groups. He was really nice and he would always say hi to me.

I started to really miss him after graduation. I tried getting his number, but he said his phone was broken (he is being honest). He does not use his socials either, usually just plays video games.

I should’ve asked if I could play with him, but it’s too late now. Anyway, for the past few days, I’ve had dreams where I’ve asked Mark for his number and he said: “My phone’s broken”. I asked if I could have his socials and he said he didn’t use them.

One time, I was in the school bus. It was the last day of school. After, I would never see Mark again.

“What’s your number?” I asked. He had a working phone.

“Do you have paper?”

I dug up a piece of paper, ripped off a strip, and began to write with a pen.

“My bus stop is coming, can you give me yours?”

I began to write it down. By the time I finished, he was walking to his house at his stop. I went down the steps and chased him to give him the paper.

His friends gave me strange looks. “Why would she go all that way just to give him her number? That’s weird.”

I (18F) have a sister (14F) who I love a lot, but I don’t know how to help her. She thinks I’m always mad at her or that I hate her.

She’s very sensitive to tone, so she assumed that if something isn’t said in the way she wants, that they want her to leave and DESPISE her.

She also tends to think if you don’t absolutely approve of her and love everything she does, that you hate her. She has tried sabotaging many friendships under the belief that they hate her and want to abandon her. She goes from thinking they’re wonderful to thinking they’re terrible people very quickly.

The things I hear a lot are that an abuser or bully was just a kid, that she isn’t a bad person and that I’m being judgemental for saying something so mean just because I’m angry, that no one can be truly bad, that I have to forgive her, et cetera.

What actually is forgiveness? Do I have to forgive her? Sure, maybe no one can be truly bad, maybe she’s not a bad person, but I am angry. I am not saying this to her face.

Also, she knows what she’s doing and intentionally hurts others for pleasure. In my opinion, maybe not yours, that does make her a bad person. If she changes and stops it, then she isn’t a bad person anymore, but she was when I knew her.

Fuck you for trying to control me.

For trying to tell me what I can and can’t do.

For telling me that I would never find love.

For telling me my disorders make me a weak, useless animal.

For calling me sub-human and treating me as such.

For thinking of me as less than I am.

For calling me a child and treating me like you’ve said I was: a “retard”.

For getting your (who were also my) “friends” to turn on me and threaten me and stalk me.

For making fun of people with disabilities.

For harassing my FRIENDS.

Fuck you.

I actually, truly hate you. I don’t just feel disappointed anymore. It’s some sort of hatred. I will never speak to you and your friend(s) again.

I don’t want to speak to you. I’m way better off than you. I have a fiancé, friends, and a loving family.

You tried to hurt me. You said it was my fault.

You said I made you hurt me, that I made your friend stalk me and make sexual harassment comments and even pretend to ask me out so you could make fun of me.

I realized you never actually loved me. You were a fake, abusive asshole. You suck. I hate you so damn much. But I’m moving on.

You’re right. I don’t deserve someone like you. I should have listened to you when you said you were a fake, toxic person who doesn’t like anyone but yourself. When you said I wasn’t who I thought you were.

You were right. And I eventually listened. I got past the bias and the loneliness. I’m no longer lonely. I found love and friends and don’t need you anymore. I don’t need your false love or friendship. I don’t need to be biased against you and think that was love to combat the loneliness I no longer have.

He loves me. You don’t.

They like me. You don’t.

They accept me. You don’t and didn’t.

And you can shove your fake apology, fake tears, and fake love up your butt, because the damage towards me and others is too great. I forgive you for peace of mind, but I will never speak to you or trust you again.

You hurt me, act like nothing happened, then pull me in again. It’s a “never-ending” cycle but people have limits. I have limits. I was your most loving friend and you threw me away for my disability.

You probably will never find someone more willing to put up with your crap, or it will be very hard. Not for someone who knows the real you. They don’t know you, that’s why they support you. Or they’re messed up themselves. I may be one of the only ones who knows you. The only one who knows you better is probably yourself.

You were right when we were friends and you were nice and you said “You know me, but you don’t know me.” I didn’t know the real you, but now I do. I trusted you and you threw me out. It’s my fault I introduced you to my friends and they threw me away. They sided with you in the end and I won’t trust them either.

Fuck you. Maybe them, too, brainwashed as they are. They think you’re the victim. They don’t know the real you, and I pity them, but they did damage too that they just can’t fix right away. Therefore I don’t trust them either.

Bye. I’m healing. I’m stronger now. I have love and a life and friends. I’m not as miserable as you are to hurt others. ✌️ ❤️

Racism, genocides, discrimination, war, none of it. She would gladly watch people die and get hurt and I know she would because it doesn’t hinder or even “affect” her (it does).

How can people be like this and watch people suffer? Abuse people and hurt minorities and not care if they get mass killed? What is wrong with people? Why?? There’s no hope for an adult like this IMO.