It's all good, your brain has automatically prioritized processing over rote memorization of useless info, which by the way can still be accessed given the right context. Otherwise, embrace the processing bit and apply your computational genius to the max, forgive your memory loss.
We need context.
Two ways -
- Really really long walks in the city and people watching, or
- Biking like a madman, not measuring anything, only enjoying the wind.
You have as much free will as a leaf or a fish.
Replace shame with self love, don't feel guilty, be kind and forgiving of self, we don't know it, but when we're procrastinating, deeper calculations are happening on the risk reward trade-off of said task, reordering of priorities is happening (you will find joy and freedom of utmost importance), granular processing of the environment and system definition is happening, problem solving is happening, there's a lot going on, all in the background, you can only accept it, feeling guilty or mad is so pointless that's why it becomes exhausting.
We don't like being watched, it takes away our freedom, which is of utmost importance. My cats want to sit around me and stare at me all day, the moment I stare back, they don't want to look at me, they don't want to make eye contact, they get so uncomfortable, they'll walk away pretending to be distracted by something else, thinking I'm a fool, I get their games and I beat them at it!
Hey, don't say you're a mistake, you're a god damn marvelous creation of the universe. You feel trapped, you need freedom, and you'll use this as motivation to do what you need to do everyday to survive and then eventually thrive in life. You just need to believe in yourself, I believe in you! ~another autist, talking from similar experiences, I almost dropped out of college too, took up a job even, only to go back and wrap up college in time before they kicked me, using that degree to immigrate to better lands following my girlfriend, settling down, having beautiful kids, chasing my dreams, finding purpose, and all that shit.
If you're not weirdo, are you even living, lol? Embrace the weirdo! Chase joy with all your might!
I was "would do well if applied self and stopped getting distracted" when - things were too new, too hard, too boring, too distracting (not engaging), too much memorization of random facts and rules (history/geography/language).
I was "gifted and pleasure to teach" when - I got all the support I needed and I was shown that there was a system that was logical that I can understand if I just tried (math/physics/chemistry).
The British popularized the phrase, which gives away the playbook. The rich and powerful use this playbook time and again to divide the masses. Education should help, but siloed propaganda is really effective to counter even education because propaganda uses fear & hate to bring out the animal in you, and when you're angry and scared you forget all reason and all education.
I'm chaotic good. Balanced haphazardly and without order.
Resources for how to apply yourself? Well, just focus on what you do best and do just that. We get the machine we get, we don't get to choose, and we don't get a manual or a fieldbook on how to use it, we can only observe, reflect, and do our best, and that is it.