SterlingPooper

Right now this site is acting like a Demon Pit for my Gender Thoughts that spits them back out as terrible monsters meant to horrify me.

I thought talking would make it better. It has not. I thought I could make friends by being genuine. I have not. I'm surprised that you all are so comfortable with someone getting worked up this often, if I'm being honest.

There's probably some other thread where you all exchange Cool Trans Secrets anyway. It is what it is. I'm not worthy.

As someone early in their transition, I am filled to the brim with questions and concerns and thoughts about gender and sexuality. I don't know if this is normal. I've been single for years, no sex life to speak of. I'm a blank slate, I am so eager to learn.

But you all make me feel like I should keep these things to myself. There's no discussion to be had, I guess. I should just read old Reddit threads where someone else describes what I'm talking about.

I'm putting a few ventilations in one comment. I literally have to limit my screen time or else I'll post all day until I get a response. This isn't how I wanted to be. People can stop this by helping.

So it's weird because she graduated, I don't see her anymore, but the connections are mutual enough that I'm just aware of this person and have no idea how to have friendship, or even a conversation with her.

I think I'd faint if she talked to me. I know that's pathetic. I feel this way about a percentage of the women I go to school with. It's envy, attraction, then shame, then I am invisible. Like a woman would laugh me out of the room for thinking I could ever look like her, be like her.

It's hard. I shut down because I'm like, "well she sees me as a guy, and she has a boyfriend, so she probably isn't going to want to talk to me because she sees me as a guy so she assumes I'm a horndog because straight men only reallybefriend women for sex and I'm not a man so I don't know how to befriend women"

I think we could've been friends. Unless she's still in town it's probably too late.

I'm also jealous of literally every couple I see. Any time I see two women especially I'm like "WHAT DO THEY KNOW THAT I DO NOT" and I think this comes from the fact that I think people who are able to have friends and keep people around do know something that I don't.

Like you, reading this, if you have someone you just casually text and don't ever really wonder about the consistency of the back and forth, congrats, I'm jealous of your ability to keep people around. You are a social Adonis as far as I'm concerned.

If I'm out and I see two people, my mind is immediatelywondering how they know each other, how long they've been together, how much fun it must be to be together.

Idk I think Hexbear is Jokerfying me. I just want to be a chill girlie with chill girlie friends. People are unkind about brain fog and dysphoria and rejection sensitivity though. I'm supposed to pull myself up, despite these things.

Like, my ideal friendship is with someone knows and understands all of this about me, and has their own plate of problems that I am learning about and accepting of as well. Friends stay aware of each other's wellness so they can help each other grow. There is back and forth, sometimes I help them and sometimes they help me. But we communicate about it.

I really think if you're too depressed to do something, a good friend (for me) is someone who is willing to step in to help. If you're too anxious to go out, they ask if they can come over. They see you when you flounder and they ask, what can I do? I really think that. Sorry if it's regarded, or petarded.

If this is intense, frankly I don't understand "low-intensity" friendships. "we watch a sport and I go home and he goes home until next week" you're describing a zoo enclosure nice try

Too scared to apply for jobs because they'll call me back and I have to be ready to talk on the phone.

People here are getting sick of me, when I thought opening up about mental health/gender issues would help me. I thought I would eventually connect with others who face similar things but that hasn't happened yet.

I don't know if there is "solving" this by myself. I really believe in having friends who are going through what I'm going through. People say they're happy, even comfortable not being perceived, and I think that's fucking sad. I want Depression friends. I want Gender friends. I'm not scared of these thoughts within myself. I want to be able to be there for people.

I don't think people on Hexbear like how much I talk about it, like I'm supposed to be a rugged queer cowboy with my rugged little individualism. It reminds me of, well, bootstraps logic.

"just pull yerself up by yer rainbow bootstraps and solve your life, queen!"

Like, teach me to ask. Teach me these things. I want to be like the normals. I would learn so willingly if someone would teach. You. Don't. Understand.

Idk if you reach a certain point and you lose empathy for the eggs, or you become unwilling to engage, I don't know if I'm perceived as a wrecker or just a confused boy.

I know that I feel the legitimacy of my problems. Whether you people are all secret friends with secret group chats or not, I know what I am experiencing every day, and that I need support from people who aren't waiting to be convinced of my legitimacy.

something something it's called the Left because they leave you to flounder

Like I will stand there and stare at the person until the interaction ends. I do not know what to say, frequently.

I have to fill out job applications, which means they can call me back at any point, which means I need to be ready to answer. Which means I can't do anything because I need to be prepared.

I hate this. My coping skills have only gotten worse. The more I think about all this stuff the more I just want to go smoke some weed and forget about it.

I keep thinking about disappearing. If just one person had stuck around when I first started talking about killing myself, then it wouldn't be like this. I could've had a friend, support, gotten my life together.

Probably just getting high today Getting high helps me feel pretty

I once again ask, how the fuck and when the fuck am I supposed to be making friends

I really need there to be explicit "well, I guess that makes us friends" kinds of moments or, I shit you not, I will not make any inferences from the interaction. I'll assume you meant well but would ultimately rather never see me again.

If you indicate that you will see me around, or express interest in future plans, that's pretty clear too, although if we don't set it up then, I don't really know if you meant it. I myself don't feel this agency in most situations, because I assume that the other person is more in the position to say "I like this person, the interaction shall continue". Like I have less of an opinion, somehow, or less of a say?

I can't do the lonely thing my whole life like some people can. This is gonna whittle me down.