dang ol sleep schedule is cooked
SterlingPooper
joined 4 years ago
I'm back! I am back on my old account until I earn (come up with) a new username. I don't remember why I deleted my account but I'm rolling with it
is good to be back tho! i am growing more confident in my enby-ness and enjoying pride month
friendship
I often wonder how more neurotypical people view friendship and conceive of it. I'm very in-the-weeds about reciprocity, commonality, being intentional, and really there's just a lot of logistics and stuff that I feel has to be managed.
I'd love a friendship where we just agree to keep in touch and be present for each other and that's the point, but I don't think that it is the point for a lot of people.
If I thought I could take things less seriously without the friendships falling through, I would. But the slowly widening gaps between texts, the shorter responses, I see the patterns from a mile away. It breaks my heart regardless.
I just imagine it's easier for most people. Walk in, talk to a group of strangers, maybe a lingering thought about a smell, or something, but way fewer nerves involved.
Wish I knew how to stop my brain from shutting down. I get so overwhelmed by envy and attraction and then I literally can't speak
Being around feminine people is a source of dysphoria. Like, I don't know how to handle the emotions. I just want to ask how they do that, all the time. I feel male-gazey, I feel gross.
Went to a social event. Had a short conversation with someone who sat with me. Still hovering around generally, and then leaving after a short time.
Going up to someone feels like a bad idea, introducing myself feels like a violation of their boundaries.
Honestly, I need things on a level playing field. If I'm in a group of any kind and two people are like, clicking, or already know each other, my brain really latches onto that. I'd prefer if we were all strangers, so I don't feel like I have to play catch up. But my instinct is to back off the minute I suspect that they know or like that person better than me.
Like if we were a group of strangers plunged into a scenario or situation together. Holy shit I'm going to go on Survivor so I can make friends
Improving at walking slower.
5 years since I had a friend group. It's like Thandos snappled them all!
what are support systems, what is identity, mention of suicide
I would (half-jokingly) be interested in a case study about friendship and support systems and what kinds of correlations there are and what factors contribute to a support system forming.
I think my brain is a little cooked in that I really don't see a way to meet new people and make friends, at least in my current ways of approaching things. I have a strong tendency to show up to things, look around, and if someone doesn't talk to me or something doesn't catch my interest, I end up leaving, because I just feel weird standing there thinking to myself, "should I talk to someone, who should I talk to, how do I decide" Like showing up to things by myself feels useless, I'm completely on rails.
I have yet to get to a Pride event this year. I consistently have conflicts or am burnt out. But that's I guess my only chance to meet people remotely like me. Hell, I'd be posting this in the trans comm, but posting there really spikes my rejection sensitivity. I don't have the energy to do that to myself or ruin the community for other queers.
It's especially tough because I came out to my pre-COVID friends online and they liked the post and went on with life. Selfishly, I thought at least one person might want to reconnect, or at least say "so that's where you've been!"
I thought about killing myself. I felt like I was already dead. It's not like anyone was reaching out to me anyway.
And now, if I say anything, I'm bringing up old shit. I'm being dramatic.
I don't know what I consider a support system, but off the cuff, I'd say I don't really have one. I have my family, who I can talk to sometimes. But nobody is experiencing this in real time with me. Nobody checks in on me, nobody reaches out if I go quiet.
Maybe deleting my old account was a form of self-rejection. But also, nobody in the trans mega cared when I did post. People invalidated my feelings at times. People gatekept. I felt like I had to prove that I was dysphoric in order to be accepted. That made me more dysphoric.
I just want to find a space where my gender is actively being affirmed, not just "oh I accept you regardless" but like actually having girly conversations and doing girly things. And calling each other girly nicknames, and doing our hair and makeup and going shopping. Or something.
Dog sitting at my parents' instead of being able to do Pride stuff. If I had queer friends they might wonder where I am.
Idk. Maybe it's time to take action
envy, dysphoria
One neighbor woman who lives in the same building as me really stresses me out. The hair, the outfits, the walk... I'm pretty sure we were in school together, but I didn't see her really in the spring, so I thought she graduated and moved.Anyway my assumption is "oh she's already heard stuff about me" because of how small the school is. Like, I know she's friends with the girlfriend of a classmate of mine. I'm like "she's heard about me, she has an opinion about me".
But she's really pretty and she always has friends hanging out and wears great outfits. I feel myself unable to speak. And like, what would I say, besides "may I have girl lessons please thank you"