this post was submitted on 22 Mar 2024

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I'm thinking about ending my... (hexbear.net)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

48 comments fedilink hide all child comments

TW for suicide, and drugs.

Spare me the usual replies, please. I’ve heard them all.

I’m going to drop Creamsicle off at a friend’s house today.

“Yay!”

Then I’m probably going to acquire fentanyl somehow, and forget that I ever existed.

I’ve considered writing a letter to my friend, the one I’m always talking about. Creamsicle was originally supposed to be a birthday present for them, but they didn’t want him. I’d love for him to go live with them, but I don’t want them to be sad. I think I just want them to forget I ever existed. I know they probably won’t be too sad but I don’t know. I wish I could say goodbye.

Every single fucking day sucks. I am in the same exact hole today, on March 22nd, 2024, as I was on March 22nd, 2023, and on March 22nd, 2022. The only difference is I just keep getting slightly worse every year. Each winter hurts more than the last. More people stop talking to me and I smile less and life becomes increasingly more stupid and meaningless.

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[+] [email protected] 42 points 1 year ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

[deleted]

[+] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago (2 children)

[removed by mod]

[+] [email protected] 29 points 1 year ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

[deleted]

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (2 children)

the goal doesn't help us today.

you say "every day you survive" i read "every day you keep suffering".

my situation isn't as dire as OP's but it probably will be someday and people telling us to keep suffering for nothing with no prospects doesn't help, it just reinforces.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yeah, everyone tells me to keep going, that maybe it will get better. But that means slogging through an infinite number of days of misery.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago

fwiw i think you should give rehab a shot, it's something different than the routine at least. can always reevaluate after.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Please tell me you aren't playing devil's advocate right now

[+] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

[removed by mod]

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

go fucking have a debate about it somewhere else ffs, what the fuck

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

who's debating?

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago (1 children)

do you seriously think this is appropriate behavior?

[–] [email protected] 6 points 1 year ago (2 children)

i think empty platitudes are deeply unhelpful because they have been unhelpful and counterproductive for me. OP is suffering. A lot of us are suffering. Do better than telling us to keep suffering.

[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I do agree with this. You may have untreatable depression but OP clearly has "shit life syndrome" and would feel better if their circumstances were better. They have some options to make their life better: go to rehab, get back on hormones. We have some options too: give housing or money. But I think you should argue against platitudes by saying that it's better to actually do something, not by saying that it's better to kys.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

SLF is real but even for someone like me, a higher quality of life makes it more manageable and tolerable.

i would not be hopeless posting if I had any tangible reason not to be hopeless, for example.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

To be fair there also are a whole lot of objective, short-term-unfixable reasons to be depressed. The world is burning. Genocide, famine, crimes against humanity have been going on in the background our whole lives. We're all alienated and our psyches are stuffed full of poison. Moreover, the trajectory is so bad that even if it gets better it's still gonna get worse in the meantime. What does it mean to manage and tolerate such conditions? We weren't made for this. Doubtless some people would still be depressed even if none of that was going on. But there's no way to tell.

But there's plenty of hope for OP with so many bad circumstances that can be improved in their lifetime. Get the guy to stop beating you up before you decide your bruises are from anemia, that sort of thing.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

You seem to think you're speaking to someone who's never faced these issues before, but you're wrong about that. Empty platitudes may not be helpful but arguing in favor of suicide is beyond unacceptable.

Also, I gave OP money today. Did you?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

i'm broke and live on charity lol

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

But you didn't bump her thread either, did you? No, the only "help" you're offering is encouraging her to kill herself. You should be ashamed of yourself.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (3 children)

i'm not encouraging her, what the fuck is wrong with you? i want people to stop mother theresa-ing our suffering.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

Comrade, I'm just gonna formally request that you disengage on this one. Last and only warning on this thread and topic.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

go read the modlog. You're arguing against people trying to tell OP to stay alive. Your initial comment essentially advertised suicide by talking about "ending suffering"

This thread is not about you and you need to read the room

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago

And look, I hear that you're suffering. I don't know how I can help you, especially if you have clinical depression. You know as well as I do that your thoughts about this issue aren't rational. And I know as well as you do just how utterly useless that knowledge is in the face of enormous pain, pain so deep you just go numb because feeling it is more emotionally taxing than your burnt-out mind can tolerate.

But I wish I did know. I wish I could do something that would push back that tide for you, even just by improving your material conditions a bit. I'm sorry that you feel this way and I hope things somehow get better for you. And I know none of this is particularly helpful, and I'm sorry for that.

[–] [email protected] 38 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

I wish you wouldn't. But I also don't know how to make your life better, and it feels like our whole system is built not to care. I just hate to see you give up instead of finding your way to some degree of happiness (in spite of how arduous a journey that's likely to be).

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 year ago

^^ this, I seriously do not want to see you go. I don't know what else to say.

[–] [email protected] 32 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Hopefully this isn't the usual response. Did you call back the detox place you were talking to in January? If you've gotten stuff tidied up for suicide you are certainly prepared for inpatient. Take that plan/surrender energy and give them a call before business hours end today. The option to kill yourself will always be there, so don't be in a rush.

If you were in the Midwest I'd offer my couch + kitchen for a few weeks. Props to you for getting through the winters.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I used to cut myself, before I started doing meth. It won’t make the world any less cruel.

[–] [email protected] 20 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

I used to cut myself when I was a teenager, didn't see a way out. All my mental health problems went away once I cut off family, even though I was struggling to make rent and stay fed. I had no idea that's what I needed until I did it. It's end of capitalism shit, right? It was easier for me to imagine suicide than a better life. Maybe you need rehab "vacation" and hormones, maybe you need a $70 plane ticket to anywhere. It can only be confirmed by trying shit out. If you're thinking about suicide, turn your life upside down first and see if it sticks. Everything is on the table! The worst that can happen is you kill yourself on some beach in the Bahamas instead of here. Really fuck up some tourists' day. But I hope you're able to find a safe harbor from the world so we can fight for a better one.

[–] [email protected] 28 points 1 year ago (1 children)

are you making this post because you want us to tell you not to kill yourself?

do you really want to die, or do you want things to stop?

dm me comrade

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

There isn’t really anything anyone here can say. There isn’t really anything anyone can say. Almost anyone.

[–] [email protected] 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

perhaps talk to that almost anyone, i'd hate to lose another good comrade

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

It really does not help.

[–] [email protected] 25 points 1 year ago

Don't do it.

[–] [email protected] 21 points 1 year ago

Comrade, DM me

[–] [email protected] 17 points 1 year ago

Hey comrade, it sounds like you're really struggling today. I don't really know how to help, but I hope you pull through this. You are deserving of happiness and you are deserving of life.

[–] [email protected] 16 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I've been debating what to say for a while. This is a sensitive topic, and I'm never entirely sure I've said the "right thing".

A number of people I've known have taken their own life, I've tried (and failed), and my SO has been put in the psych ward several times. Despite (or maybe because) of this, I'm not all that opposed to suicide. I'm not going to tell you not to, I'm not a huge fan of hearing that.

My go-to response is usually to firstly tell them that their method of suicide isn't very good (an extremely common occurrence), follow that up with advice on what to do instead (doing it like usual is definitely a bad idea here), and then ask that they sleep on it (Rash decisions are bad. I don't want to be the thing that pushed someone into attempting, just someone that stopped that attempt from being unpleasant).

So firstly, don't try to die by overdose. It's the most common kind of suicide attempt, and also the least successful. I understand that's how you died those previous times, but it really doesn't take much for it to go wrong. Secondly, maybe check out SaSu? You can set it so you only see the "recovery" section, a section which has helped quite a few people. No worries about institutionalization or police or being talked down to, just suicidal people talking to other suicidal people about not being suicidal. Thirdly, sleep on it (though I doubt it'll help).

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Overdose is the one way that doesn’t scare me too much.

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[–] [email protected] 13 points 1 year ago

So I failed at getting fetty. Got ripped off and I lost my fucking lighter.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

blob-no meow-hug

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If you live in the US call 988 for mental health crisis support.

All I’ll say is it can get better, never believe it can’t happen. Anecdotally ketamine therapy helped me a lot. DM me if you just want someone to talk to but I probably can’t reply quickly

[–] [email protected] 28 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If you live in the US call 988 for mental health crisis support.

i've never heard anyone who had a good experience. only people where it did nothing, sicced the pigs on them, or saddled them with an involuntary hospital bill they couldn't afford

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago

Yeah it’s annoying when people reply with that.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 1 year ago

Hey comrade, I don’t really know what to say, but I really appreciate your presence here on our little website. I hope you stay around.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

It's not worth it, and we would miss you. Creamsicle would miss you too.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

i'm sorry your life is like this

[–] [email protected] 9 points 1 year ago

Don’t.