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this post was submitted on 20 Apr 2024
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Autism
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What was it specifically about this notion that gave you anxiety attacks?
When I learned I was autistic at age 30, it didn't really affect me much because I knew my overall life game hadn't changed. I was still the same person with the same skills, facing the same reality, just with a new label.
Were you afraid people would see you differently and give you less respect? Or did you think you were going to psych yourself out, or that you had a hidden disadvantage? Or something else?
The anxiety came from the idea of what others would think. This goes with the abuse that I went through with my parents. They were always worried about what others would think. Turns out several people over the years tried to get them to have me checked out. They let the shame of what I might be prevent them from helping me.
I was 39 when I started considering it. My son had been diagnosed and I was reading a huge amounts of information on autism. So many things in the books perfectly described the problems I had always had. I had already been diagnosed with ADHD and unfortunately nothing I could take for it worked. My parents who I stupidly still trusted were completely against me getting any help. They didn't like my son taking Adderall. The more I questioned it the more belligerent they became with me. I finally cut contact with them and started getting help. Turns out they were always aware of my difficulties and somehow my getting help would hurt them. They were/are narcissists. Now I use them as a example of what not to be. These days I don't care what others think of me. I'm just thankful I didn't become them. I broke the cycle for myself and most of all for my kids. I would rather my son be happy than spend every day masked up and hurting inside.