So I've been realizing more and more that I'm probably somewhere in the ND constellation/spectrum, and I've also been having more conflict in my long term relationship (1.5+ decades). It recently came to a head, and I felt like I had to set a boundary. This has not been received well at all.
It stems from something my partner said while we were arguing recently early in the day. I was on the defensive and trying to move away from blame (it's on both of us really) towards some direct action. "What do you want to do about it / blaming is not useful right now" kinda stuff. They kept the blame in focus and on me even after we decided on a course of action. Then in response to me making a claim about my efforts being somewhat in balance with theirs, they said something so contextually mean to me it basically scrambled the inside of my head. It both compared me to a person that they despise, but in doing so claimed the victim status for themselves. This essentially caused me to shutdown. Hearing them saying that was just too much.
There have been other moments recently when they have made unkind comments about me, but I usually just brush it off as frustration in a moment. It just seems to be more common as of late.
I've been the primary income supporting us for a large majority of our relationship, and it doesn't bother me normally because I hate capitalism. This has allowed my partner the freedom to pursue their interests while I hold down the full time gig and pay the bills. I'm happy for that! I help out in various ways besides money too. I get to be a small part of their creative endeavors when I have time and ability. We have grown together in these pursuits in a multitude of ways. I truly appreciate how we have been able to grow together over these years.
So it's really disappointing to me that they are not displaying any sign of real reconciliation. I have made my perspective very clear that this requires reconciliation, and they have literally laughed it off.
I want to be clear that I am not a type-A partner. I'm not very romantic, but I do savor life moments when I can. I just wonder if I'm being unreasonable, and should just forgive without requiring them to make some kind of apology. It seems almost outside their ability to see any of this from my perspective as they say I will be manipulating them with my words when they listen to me.
It's just so tiring to hold the line, but I also feel like I can't relinquish my self-respect in this particular instance.
If you send the signal that you are okay with just whatever, you cannot be suprised when you receive just whatever.
That's the lesson I took away from the failure of my last relationship.