depression_now!

Honestly some of your stuff reminds me of my husband.

Bu all accounts he had great parents growing up. It didnt help him though, well at least not for a time. He struggles hard with depression and what not, and he'll tell you even today, sober, healthy, in a good place, he still thinks it's all pointless, nothing matters.

Thats the thing with mental health, your right, it doesnt ever end. There are good days and there are bad days. The ebb and flow.

I think you have a healthy self awareness (something so annoying when therapists tell you this, i know lmao i hate it) but truly thats the first step. And it sounds like you already know.. "having to accept myself as I am and living with it) it's really too painful, too much"

It is a painful process. It may be painful and too much, but you don't have to do it all in one day or even one year. I cant see the comment at the moment, but I think you said you were about 25. You've hopefully got a whole nother 25 years to go to get to 50. Thats your whole life again, and even then death can hold off for even more years. Life is long.

With self awareness you may find more value to life as you age, I know I certainly have. I definitely love 37 more than I did 27.. and that's because of growth. Growth thst doesnt happen overnight. It really feels like you just have to drag yourself through the motions year after year.. compounding to what is your lived experience. It's difficult as fuck. It doesn't feel fair or worth it sometimes. Fuck I procreated. I wasnt supposed to being another kid into this world to habe to deal with the same mental bullshit I do. A kid who didn't ask to exist, but now hates himself and struggles, and will forever, just like me and many others. Learning to help him manage himself has given me great insight. Best I can do is support him in ways I never got.

Pain of today could be the growth of tomorrow, and I know it sounds corny but its true. I don't subscribe the idea trauma/pain "make you stronger". I do think it can help one become smarter though. Understanding oneself is truly the first step to acceptance. You're on the path of this aready just based on this little chat.

"Why I've always felt like I was "external" to social situations and people around me felt fake all the time, why sometimes I felt outside of my body, why sometimes I would freeze, why sometimes being so angry I can break stuff.."

I keep a very small, and smaller as I age, social circle for this very reason. I can clock a superficial person a mile away. Dissociation is isolating, to be a person in a room full of other people and to just be there, and still feel isolated and alone, even in a room of smiling people. Honestly, I think it's just a neurodivergent thing. I'll remind myself, statistically, someone in this room, probably feels the same as I do right now. I'll take comfort in that.

You ever get mad the sun is out? On bad days I'll just be upset its nice out, and I dont want to enjoy it. It's almost like its pressure, "its nice out so im supposed to go out and be cheerful. But I can't, and it leads to feeling like a failure.

It's important to remember in these moments to be your own friend. If a friend was sad like I am right now, what would I do for them? And then I do it for myself. I've even done the corny shit and imagine hugging myself as a scared kid, letting me know to myself, I'll be there for you. Just that has gotten me out of panic attacks before.

I mentioned my husband because he did a lot of therapy from 17-28 years old. Like a lot a lot. He took a break and went back during covid for a bit (he picked up drinking again, then got sober with the help of some programs) but has since dropped it because he feels stable.

You don't have to go to therapy if you don't need it. A year of quality therapy can do more than 5 years of shit therapy. I have to continue to go right now because my son triggers my cptsd, and honestly, I don't have a mom or dad to go to, so for me it's nice to ask a third party for advice, or to vent. Like today, I have had a really high level of anxiety these last few weeks, like way more than normal. I haven't been getting great sleep. I had an early morning appointment, and all I did was tell my therapist what was going on and I felt better, more in control. She didn't even really say much today, other than validated my feelings. Oh, and I got to save a lightning bug that was trapped in her office today, that cheered me up.

Sometimes just naming the problem is the relief itself.

Sometimes preparing yourself can help too. For simple example, I know that if say, it's going to rain all day tomorrow, I know myself enough that, for whatever reason, if my home is dirty, and its raining, I'll get triggered to anxiety, panic, anger. I don't know why im like this, but I know I am. Ive accepted this is who I am and can prepare for it. My family will help me prepare for it by helping to make sure the house is spotless the night before, and I can wake up calm, and enjoy the rainstorm.

Reconizing triggers and making adjustments to meet your own needs. This is not weakness but strength. Facing your demons is strength. Having vulnerabilities is not your entire being, it's okay to have some, nearly everyone does.

I don't know I'm rambling. I really hope you're feeling a bit better now. If you ever feel in a moment, feel free to message me here. I boarder on chronically online.

I dont know much about porn addiction, other than I did one time date an alcoholic who had it, but was unaware and unwilling to make changes. We broke up about it. I mentioned in a different comment yesterday to a prompt, "have you ever been called a feminist in a derogatory way" and yeah, that dude, because I asked him to not warch porn while I was providing him sex. I asked him not to film me. So he told me I was a feminist, and that's gross. Oh well. We broke up over it. He's now 43 and I saw him on a bike riding to work not too long ago, not from choice but his license was revoked from multiple DUIs. He told me he wanted to die by the bottle way back when. But he's not dead, and now has to ride a bike to work. Again, life is long, way longer than you think.

My son is 12 now and recently discovered you can look up dirty words on Spotify (his only non supervised Internet access). I had to take Spotify away, sucked. But we had a long talk about the porn industry and its affects on everyone involved, including its potential to be addictive and potential to ruin real relationships. It's very true. It sounds like you want to kick it? Draft yourslef a plan man. Treat it as any other addiction.

Im currently tackling my food addiction. Im in a good place now, what helped most was reading about it, reading about others experiences. What helped my husband beat his addiction to alcohol was SMART meetings (non AA support group). He would join groups across the pond and found it fascinating other men in another country were facing the same problems as him. It also helped him reframe his perspective because he heard stories that were way more fucked up than his.

Maybe start there? Instead of jumping in the therapy train if your not ready or not able to find a good one, try a specialized support group? They must exist for porn addiction by now, shits rampant. Start small, make small goals and work on them. Avoid dating. I never took this advice, not once, but if you can, I do wish I did avoid dating while I was going through it. It brought so much unnecessary pain, not only for myself but I caused some too. I absolutely wrecked a man once, it's nearly 15 years later and I still feel bad about it.

And also, I'll leave myself open. I'm nearly chronically online, nearly.. you can always reach out here and I will chat with you. I really wish you luck man. The battle is far from over. Youve the potential to find peace. Not happiness, not complacency, not the final day, but to find peace with yourself, I believe it because it seems you are already on the road there! So many people can't even acknowledge their mistakes, or their faults, but you can, and with that is power.

It is enough, you, on your own, are enough. I like that you workout, I love swimming too, it's the best. Keep leaning into those positives:)