It’s official. I’ve become an elder gay. I’m now giving advice to a guy in his late 20s that became my roommate and I’m in no way prepared and really need to help this guy acclimate.
He’s nice. He’s kind. He has history of drug abuse or criminal record. But I’m pretty sure he’s on the spectrum. He has poor social skills and he’s trying very very hard to meet people and make friends and just function. But he’s picking up that he makes people uncomfortable at the bar and at his job and he’s so upset.
I’m probably on the spectrum myself too. I see so much of myself in that kid it’s frightening. But I’m not exactly a huge success story myself. I’ve improved with time and repeated exposure to social situations over the years. I’ve made major improvements but I’m still quite off myself so I’m certainly no role model.
I really want to help this guy but am having Tori or explaining things like “if you go to the bars and don’t buy drinks, you are kind of fucking over the people that work there” or “when people say no to your advances, that’s okay” or “that guy that was the bartenders boyfriend yesterday is in fact still his boyfriend today”.
He hovers and watches people but never seems to initiate conversations. He just kind of circles like a vulture waiting for someone else to start the conversation. He’s just fine once it starts but his inability to introduce himself and just hovering around people he wants to talk to makes people think he’s creepy. He’s just neurodivergent. Absolutely harmless. Just getting a super late start with developing this social skills.
I dunno. I want to help this guy and am not super sure how to do this without risking upsetting him more. He’s super frustrated and confused but he’s not violent or loud or threatening or anything. He just needs help and for whatever reason he values my opinion.
How can I help this guy develop better social skills?
I’ve tried to explain to him that sex shouldn’t be a goal but just an option. Stop doing the dog-chasing-a-car thing and things will go much easier for him. But he’s a gay guy in his 20s and we all know how that goes.
Hey man, speak for yourself. While I appreciate the emotional stability of not being single, my partner and I keep an open relationship for a reason. I live for sex. There are plenty of people who feel as I do into their 70s, and as long as your friend understands that he might have to set his standards aside and let a 300lb bear take over if he's really that horny, I'm sure he'll get some. Every little thing we do, even just sitting quietly and looking cute, is a mating strategy.
When he discusses sexual things he’s not very slick about it. It’s offputting, even when he’s not saying anything perverted or disturbing. I think he’d be more successful if he befriended people first so they feel more comfortable when he opens up to that.
He’s not ugly but he’s not some adorable little twink either. He can’t just charge in overconfident and expect to do anything other than alienate people. His skills so far are more appropriate for grindr than real life and he’s trying to learn the real life skills now.
At least he's got the grindr skills. That's the part I'm trying to self-improve. When I was in high school people shut me down a lot, and rather than getting some encouragement in the nature of "you might be gay; just be yourself", people thought I was weird and had little to say to me. I internalized that to the point where everything I say is now couched in consideration of people maybe not being receptive or not liking me, and every ping I get on an app I consider in the context of potential harm or abandonment, rather than just hooking up with people like a normal person. I'm assuming there is a gay bar or something like that in your area. I'm sorry you find him offputting.
I’ve acclimated and don’t find him offputting, just a bit odd. It’s hardly a problem. Everyone has their own thing going on and this is just his. However a few other people have mentioned he sometimes creeps them out. They are more understanding once they get a better read on him but when he hasn’t spoken to them yet, his behaviors can make people feel like he’s hunting them.
So I’m trying to find a kind way of getting him past that first step. That’s his biggest problem. Once he gets past the introductions he’s generally fine.
It's always tricky to find a natural way to start a conversation. On the one hand, social finesse signals some degree of experience or respectability. On the other, I think it would be adorable if someone like your friend just stared at me and said "I want to fuck you". Either way could work.