I keep avoiding the topic with myself. I would like to do HRT but I mainly spin the following reasons in my head for not doing it:
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Muscle loss, I cant work out as often as I would like and it would be visible. I don't feel secure without some muscle to seem intimidating so I can defend myself. I am rather visibly queer and already get harassed as is for that and wearing a mask. I dont know any self defense and having muscles at least deters some people.
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I dont want to be dependent for my whole life on estrogen. Logically speaking I want it but I keep thinking in war scenarios, or travelling, or anything impredictable it would basically be near impossible to get and I dont want to depend on something I cannot obtain easily and cant control the circumstances
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Where I live there are no trans friendly doctors and I do not trust myself with DIY dosages at all. I wouldnt trust the DIY source in the first place, and even then making sure I dont fuck up my own body is too big of a responsability. I likely have OCD and freaking out if I did the dosages correctly or some small random shit would not do me good. Would very much prefer doctors but impossible in my case.
Asides I would really like the changes mentally and physically. I am too hesitant to get into this without proper help from a doctor or such. I've been reading HRT materials for at least an year and I still find a lot of the chemistry things confusing and dosages.
You should get a weapon of some kind if you can. A gun, pepper spray, even a self defense flashlight is probably better then getting in a physical fight.
Like others said, unless you get an orchi you can go back. Also like- do you want your whole life on T? I don't know how old you are but, I really don't want my situation getting worse. Something to think about.
You won't fuck up your body with E. Diy is safe and pharmaceutical grade. There's a lot of leeway with levels before they become dangerous, as I understand it too much is usually just ineffective. Its chill, you'll be fine. Honestly I'd trust any trans person over a cis doctor. Way better care and outcomes from what I've seen.
spoiler
Not really allowed with any self defense items where I live because you are then considered the "aggressor".I dont want my whole life on testosterone, at the same time I gaslight myself saying "eh I would be fine" even if not enjoying it, as I constantly say I don't have dysphoria (while self hating myself constantly lol). Just constant self doubt
Tbh for me more concerning than the dosages is the E producer.