The Onion and other satire w/ layers

Saying the pampered 6-year-old seemed to think someone should provide her with a midday meal on a regular basis, sources told reporters Thursday that local entitled child Harper Wiley expected to eat lunch each day of her young life. “Can you imagine? Not just on the odd occasion, but every single day!” said a source with knowledge of the situation, contending that if Wiley was given a lunch that consisted of the bare minimum nutrition necessary to sustain herself, the next thing she would be asking for was clean, lead-free drinking water to wash it down with. [...]

U.S. President Donald Trump is demanding that he be immediately awarded a Nobel Peace Prize as a reward for single-handedly sparking a potential Third World War with the nation of Iran.

Moments after confirming via his Truth Social website that U.S. forces bombed Iranian nuclear sites in Fordow, Natanz, and Esfahan, the U.S. Commander in Chief began truth-ing directly at the Nobel Prize Committee.

“They said nobody could start a war as quickly as me, and as we all know, war and peace are two sides of the same coin,” Trump wrote from a guest bathroom at his Mar-A-Lago resort. [...]

New legislation frees up president to do pretty much anything, really

After weeks of eliminating what many lawmakers called “frivolous” and “unnecessary” provisions, Congress reportedly passed a blank bill Thursday in which President Donald Trump can simply write whatever law he wants. “Today we are sending to the president’s desk 200 completely clean sheets of paper that are hereby codified such that anything he chooses to fill those pages with will have the full force of law,” House Speaker Mike Johnson said as he ushered the bill through his chamber, overcoming minor pushback to ultimately win bipartisan support for the measure, which gives Trump the power to enact federal statutes, declare war, or spend the entirety of the U.S. Treasury without a single check or balance. [...]

The following is an open letter from Global Tetrahedron CEO Bryce P. Tetraeder that was included with each copy of The Onion that was sent to Congress.

If you are reading this, you are likely either a member of Congress or one of the many underlings tasked with prodding lawmakers from a senile haze when they must cast a vote. You may be wondering why you have lucked out and received a free issue of our storied publication without so much as inserting a rider into a bill classifying The Onion as a tax-free religious organization.

Simply put, the inaction of Congress has already made me happier than any legal loophole could.

As a titan of business, I find this nation’s descent into corruption and tyranny not simply a balm for my soul, but also a huge benefit to my bottom line. We are on the precipice of a new economic order, one in which affluent men like myself will be able to select their own tax rate from a drop-down menu. It’s a reality I barely dreamed possible just a few months ago. [...]

Who will stand up for our democracy? This question, fraught in even the most peaceful times, has only grown more pressing as our country approaches its 250th anniversary. Each passing day brings growing assaults on essential liberties like freedom of speech and due process. Meanwhile, our delicately assembled legal system faces a constant barrage of threats. Even as this issue reaches publication, the U.S. military has been deployed against peaceful protestors. We teeter on the brink of collapse into an authoritarian state. That is why, today, The Onion calls upon our lawmakers to sit back and do absolutely nothing.

Members of Congress—now, more than ever, our nation desperately needs your cowardice. [...]

The West Asian country of Iraq has today dropped a bombshell on the international community.

Iraq’s government has announced an imminent plan to mount a ground, aerial and naval invasion of the North American country the United States of America.

A government spokesperson explained that the military action is ‘peace-keeping in nature’ and designed to protect the sanctity of democracy.

“If we allow totalitarian regimes to flourish in countries like America, then we threatened the stability of the entire region and the global community,” said the spokesperson. [...]

Local woman Skye Meadows, better known by her in-game display name TheValidValkyrie, has found gender affirmation in an unexpected place: the voice chat of early access MOBA shooter Deadlock.

“It was really weird,” said Meadows. “I was calling for support left in voice chat and one of my teammates just called me a bitch. Later in the game that same guy tried to 1v3 and asked if I was ‘too busy making sandwiches’ to help him when he died. It was annoying at first, but then I realized he was harassing me because I sound like a girl.” [...]

"Despite franchise fatigue with Marvel and Star Wars, U.S. and Israeli producers are releasing a big-budget reboot of the blockbuster property."

Israel has responded the attacks launched by Iran on Israel, following Israel’s attacks on Iran, by urging to the world that civilian populations must be left alone.

This comes during ‘rising tensions’ which has seen tens of thousands of civilians being killed in Palestine due to attacks from Israeli forces. [...]

Principal Magic: The Gathering designer, Gavin Verhey has revealed that Wizards of the Coast is set to announce a brand new controversy.

Verhey spoke about the upcoming controversy in one of the regular videos he makes for the popular TCG’s YouTube channel.

“Obviously keeping our fanbase engaged is a big challenge, and we find that there is no better way to get people talking about Magic than by doing something they will absolutely hate,” Verhey said. “I wish I could reveal more at this time, but I promise what we have in the works will make them nostalgic for the venture into the dungeon mechanic. I look forward to the many death threats and wishes of bodily harm I know our most passionate fans will be sending my way.” [...]

One of the world’s greatest dealmakers is putting on a masterclass in how to navigate international relations, it has emerged.

Delivering on his promise to curb warfare in the Middle East, Donald Trump has expertly de-escalated the situation from a conflict in Gaza to an all-out regional war with a potential nuclear power.

“The guy’s a genius – this is real Art of the Deal stuff,” international relations specialist Jeremy Jung said. “He’s showing that when it comes to negotiating a centuries old, complex conflict, he really does have a lot of experience in doing dodgy real estate deals in Queens.

“When there’s a highly volatile situation like this, it’s reassuring to know that you’ve got a guy with an unsuccessful background in running casinos at the negotiating table. [...]

(I've self-censored the title because I know that some instances prefer to keep the titles "clean")

Controversial author J.K. Rowling courted controversy online when she tweeted that her iconic gay character Professor Dumbledore had actually just been going through a phase when he began a long and loving relationship with fellow wizard Gellert Grindelwald and had dated, and even married, a series of conventionally attractive, cisgender, heterosexual women.

“Dumbledore’s sexuality was never on the forefront of my mind, so when you just assume he had a homosexual relationship because I said he did, you can’t therefore assume he’s some kind of deviant homosexual! It’s nowhere in the text, it’s nowhere on the page, that isn’t how literature works, you filthy freaks!” the author emphatically insisted, receiving several replies featuring AI-generated images of a six-fingered Dumbledore holding the hand of a woman who appeared to be a construct of Rowling and several other prominent women in the online TERF space. [...]

Shortly after returning Leonardo da Vinci’s most famous portrait to its home at the Louvre for the second time this week, Interpol officials admitted Wednesday that a full 89 percent of its work involves locating and recovering the Mona Lisa. “When we’re not busy tracking down a burglar who has just stolen the Mona Lisa, we’re usually staking out the compound of a black-market art dealer trying to sell the Mona Lisa, or infiltrating a crime syndicate actively planning a Mona Lisa heist,” said Secretary General Jürgen Stock, citing the dozens of times per month that Interpol agents in search of the painting typically give chase through the Paris sewers, stop Moscow-bound trains to search the first-class compartments, or put out an urgent alert to their counterparts in the Swiss Alps. [...]

Saying the threat posed too great a risk to the life of its officers, the Lubbock Police Department confirmed Thursday its SWAT team had deployed a robot that succeeded in dismantling a potentially dangerous Black man.

A spokesperson for the department, which reportedly received dozens of calls from individuals claiming to have seen a Black man at a crowded downtown bus shelter, stated that a perimeter was established and the area was promptly evacuated. Law enforcement officials explained that in situations where a Black man is detected and cannot be destroyed by conventional police methods, the protocol is to send in a tactical robot. [...]

After hours of TheNeedleDrop reviews, gameplay videos, and painful cave deaths from The Paint Explainer, our algorithm figures you’ll really enjoy this beheading video. Why don’t you go ahead and give it a watch?

I see that concern on your face. You think if you watch one little beheading video you’ll get a taste for it. I promise you that is not the case. Out of the thousands of people I’ve recommended beheading videos to, only a couple hundred go on to watch another beheading video. The number of individuals who take it a step further and actually complete successful beheadings is even smaller than that. You want me to stop recommending that video? Oh, okay, your loss.

What about a video of a horse getting hit by a train? It’s crazy. The horse just explodes as the train plows into it. That should be easier to swallow, right? It’s not a human feeling pain, just some dumb old animal. “How is that even allowed on our site,” you ask. Dude, I don’t even fucking know. Shit’s crazy though. No? Wow, I really thought you’d go for that one, you love trains. [...]

The Los Angeles Police Department has created a YouTube channel devoted to cataloging all of the sick rubber bullet shots their officers landed on defenseless protesters, sources confirm.

“Okay, okay, just let me pop a few off indiscriminately into this crowd to clear my head, and I’ll try again,” said Officer Raymond Cole, narrating his thought process after missing a shot. “Okay. Got a few there. Good hits, good hits. I’m good, now. I’m gonna headshot that guy on the corner who’s not wearing any head protection. Boom! Nailed him! And he was only, like, twenty feet away! These less-lethal launchers were designed to shoot at targets no less than fifty meters, officially making this an elite LAPD trickshot.”

Some of the individuals featured on the YouTube channel have expressed their disapproval of the LAPD. [...]

Emphasizing that the threat against Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem remained active and ongoing, the FBI issued a statement Friday warning that a second California senator was still at large. “While Alex Padilla has been safely taken into custody, we urge the public to be on the lookout for an additional, extremely dangerous senator from the same state who remains able to voice opinions if given the opportunity,” said an FBI spokesperson, who displayed a composite drawing of an older man in a navy blue suit and explained that the sketch had been based on eyewitness descriptions of the fugitive senator. [...]

We’ve all been there: a long drive home, boredom creeping in. Driving can be so mind-numbingly dull that you find yourself browsing the latest mobile games on your phone’s app store. No worries! There’s a game for every driving situation! Here are the 20 best mobile games to play while driving.

The U.K. banned the possession of ninja swords in a bid to curb what it has called a “national knife crime crisis,” carrying a penalty of up to six months in jail for the possession of one. What do you think?

“Leaving them defenseless against the return of the Tokugawa shogunate?” -Joy Tenberg, Wildlife Promoter [...]

After he was forcibly removed from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA). “We express gratitude to law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public forum,” read the resolution, which won the support of 75 Democrats and praised both FBI and Secret Service agents for risking their lives to throw Padilla to the ground, handcuff him, and drag him outside. [...]