The Onion

NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto 5 is getting a new Israel-themed game mode that gives tiny pocket knives to pedestrians, meaning you can murder random people on the street and burn the city to the ground without feeling too bad about it.

White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.

(Omaha, Nebraska) As recriminations fly through the Pentagon and doubt is cast on the viability of the current Secretary of Defense, some China-watchers express concern to the safety of counties like Taiwan or The Philippines. But sources close to the Chinese military say that - while these regions still greatly interest China - some Chinese planners are setting their sights on more distant targets.

“Have you ever had corn, like really fresh corn, from the US Midwest?” Asked Hsui Ren, a Chinese military planner and apparent corn enthusiast. “It’s so fresh and sweet there, it’s like the butter is in every kernel.”

Hsui is one of many Chinese strategist who, given the rapid devolution of the US Government, feels that previous expectations may be too low given the political environment. “Sure, we still have long term plans to envelop many countries into our sphere of influence in the coming years. But we only have three and a half more years of trump. While that feels like a lifetime for Americans, that’s not a long time when potential US states might be on the table. We need to accept this opportunity and take as many states as possible.”

Other Chinese strategists are less optimistic. “Sure, I can see California accepting a trade alliance, and maybe Nevada and Colorado taking investment deals and being allowed to keep their weed… but Utah and Wyoming are just too red for us to consider. Sure, there is the idea of saying Biden didn’t want Wyoming to work with China, but that’s pretty far-fetched for most people to accept, even if trump would buy it.”

Not so, says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in rural Wyoming. “If that communist Joe Biden says we shouldn’t work with China, well by god we should. I’d rather share everything with my neighbors than be a commie.”

Political scholars in the US say that they are drinking heavily, and shouldn’t be bothered during drinking hours. Said one, “I don’t the… I mean, really. Go the China. Trump. Really.” And these views are echoed by the president, who was quoted as saying, “I don’t the… I mean, really. The China. Really.”

Secretary Hegseth did not accidentally text a response to a journalist using signal by newstime.

Here’s what we do know: After their meeting ended and Vice President Vance left the room, the pope was still alive. We can deduce that he was alive, because he was heard asking an assistant, “Ho appena incontrato il volto del diavolo?” which roughly translates to, “Have I just encountered the face of the devil?” It’s a very common question that has been asked in many languages after encounters with JD Vance.

cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/21121913

What could be more indicative of a thirst for power and control than a perfectly level, uniform expanse of grass? Clearly, only someone with fascist tendencies would aspire to such impeccable orderliness, attempting to impose their oppressive standards on nature itself. Because nothing says "I want to dominate the world" quite like the pursuit of a weed-free lawn.

Consider the process of maintaining a lawn. It's essentially an exercise in subjugation. Mowing down innocent blades of grass week after week, enforcing a uniform height – it's like a tiny dictatorship being played out in your front yard. And let's not even mention the chemical warfare that goes on behind the scenes – those pesticides and fertilizers are the secret tools of aspiring autocrats, seeking to eliminate any form of diversity (read: weeds) in their quest for homogeneity.

But the plot thickens when we consider the boundary lines. The quintessential white picket fence, meticulously aligned with the driveway, serves as a clear metaphor for the barriers these so-called "lawn fascists" wish to erect between themselves and the rest of the world. Heaven forbid a dandelion or, heaven forbid, a clover should breach these sacred borders! It's not just a lawn, it's a fortified buffer zone against any hint of dissenting plant life.

And let's talk about the water consumption. While the rest of us worry about global water shortages and environmental sustainability, these lawn-loving authoritarians are apparently convinced that the well-being of their turf is of paramount importance. Are they hoarding water to fuel their nefarious plans for world domination? It wouldn't be surprising – every power-hungry despot needs a well-hydrated base of operations.

In conclusion, the evidence is irrefutable: anyone with a lawn is a fascist. The quest for a pristine lawn represents a disturbing desire for control, uniformity, and domination over the natural world. So, the next time you see a neatly trimmed yard, just remember – behind that innocent facade of green lies a potential dictator in the making, plotting to impose their authoritarian rule, one well-timed sprinkler cycle at a time.

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/28280058

via https://bsky.app/profile/valeriecosta.bsky.social/post/3lmv2k4chtc2l

Following months of declining Canadian travel to the USA, Americans have launched a tourism campaign inviting Canadians to visit locations like New York, Austin, and possibly even take an all-expenses paid bonus visit to a notorious El Salvadorian mega-prison.

The ads list various popular American destinations: “Visit Disney World, the Grand Canyon, or –depending on the contents of your cellphone– maybe even extend your vacation indefinitely in the most terrifying penal colony El Salvador has to offer! Book now!”

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“How can I return an innocent man to the United States when I don’t have the ability to feel empathy or compassion?” said Bukele

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Education Secretary mistakes computational cognition for condiments in technological catastrophe

Emotional Surveillance System Aims to Preempt Conscience-Driven Disruptions

(Austin, TX) As national news dominates the headlines, a conflict is brewing in Texas that has state lawmakers worried about a rift that could devastate the party. At issue is a measure currently being debated in the state house, regarding a new abortion technique which uses a tiny firearm to complete the procedure. Texans are taking firm stands on both sides.

Proponents of the Gatt procedure see it as a humane way to terminate a pregnancy under Texas law. Doctors introduce a very tiny firearm into the placenta, loaded and with no safety devices whatsoever. Given firearm safety statistics, were they kept in the US, doctors estimate the pregnancy will end within a week, or about half this time if the mother has been drinking.

Firearm advocates say this is a tragic reality that cannot be avoided. “Shall. Not. Be. Infringed.” says Leo Sturbgetter, a cow detangler in northeast Texas. “The law is clear. We can’t take away the right to defend yourself, even from a baby, or that right doesn’t exist for all of us.” Leo’s view is reflected by many in Texas, in a state with strict gun protection laws and which has challenged every second amendment restriction ever tried by the federal government. As one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot protect tyranny to save one life.”

But equally vocal republican voices stand opposed to this view. “Every. Single. Life. Matters.” said Leo Sturbgetter, when asked the question from the abortion viewpoint. “The law is clear. Every abortion is a crime against God.” “Pro Life” advocate are active and vocal on the issue; as one legislator said in his speech this week, “you cannot save even one life without tyranny.”

Democratic lawmakers are no help in the division, as their proposal of tiny gun locks produced scorn from both sides of the republican debate. Heated words are turning to threats, and with both sides armed and not in utero, law enforcement officers are calling for peace but fearing violence.

“This can easily get out of control,” said one law enforcement officer who asked not to be named. “This could literally lead to a bloodbath in the house chamber, and I do not look forward to the 4 to even 8 hours of standing outside in a police cordon that would entail, until the final shooters gave up.”

Governor Greg Abbot says he will stand (metaphorically) with whichever side wins the debate.

Earth (Planet fairly close to Mars) – Elon Musk likes a few things: putting an X in the names of things he buys from others, electric cars, and publicly humiliating himself with embarrassing behavior. Then there are some things Elon Musk hates: his children, happy people, and woke.

Just last night, Elon Musk made headlines again by announcing Tesla’s latest revolution: ToXXXic, a 5-ton SUV powered exclusively by premium gasoline, “because I’m sick of all this gender fluid electricity.”

“Woke environmentalism is out of control,” Musk said as he lit a barbecue with a solar panel used as charcoal. “People want to hear the sound of pistons again, the smell of gasoline, and the adrenaline rush of knowing that with a tank of gas you are warming the planet a little. It’s romantic! Plus, we all know that electricity turns children into transsexuals.”

The new model promises to travel 6 kilometers per liter , as long as the driver is light-footed and lives downhill. Musk also announced that the gasoline-powered Tesla will be equipped with artificial intelligence that insults Greta Thunberg every time the engine is started.

In Italy, the news has already found supporters: Salvini has pre-ordered 12 units , one for each region “freed from the ZTLs”, while Giorgia Meloni has asked that it be used as a government car “for ideological and chromatic reasons” .

Meanwhile, some long-time Tesla fans pretended to suddenly discover Musk's fascist turn, expressing doubts: "But this way he betrays everything he believed in ... like clean energy, innovation, decency ...".

When finally asked if he also intends to produce a diesel version , Musk replied: “I’m thinking about it, but only if it’s in the best interest of the stakeholders.”

This article is so long! Why does it have to be about Roseanne Barr? What comes to mind (after reading her Wikipedia Page) is that she is capable of making really out of touch jokes. Is there anything else?

(Dublin, Ireland) As trade war rhetoric heats up around the world, few nations or uninhabited principalities have escaped attention by the US, except those traditionally known as enemies. On Monday, president trump followed up his threats to raise Chinese tariffs 50% by additionally promising a 40% blanket tariff on Ireland if Bono, the 64-year-old lead singer of U2, did not win this year’s Amazing Race.

The Amazing Race, a television show where teams of two race around the world to compete for $1 million, has been in production since 2003, and is hosted by Paul Keoghan. Reactions to these strong threats have been focused on the surprising nature of the demands, as well as their severity.

“The demands of donald trump took us all by surprise,” said Irish PM Michael Martin. “Didn’t they cancel that show during covid? I mean I’ve seen it on at the airport, but that has to be reruns, for pity’s sake. And why Bono? Why us?”

But the administration continues to stand by the president, and he shows little sign of backing down. In a Monday evening rally, he told supporters, “Ireland. Don’t get me started. Ireland. I don’t… the Amazing Race is great television. Great television. And Bono has to win, ladies and gentlemen. Bono, that golden man, he has to win. Bono, they know that. They know that. But they want to take that from you.”

Aides close to the president provide little insight. While able to confirm that some tvs are left on CBS around the white house, the president is scheduled for “Furious Tweeting” during the time it is on, and is rarely looking away from his phone, or fox news.

Some pundits feel this is merely an excuse to implement tariffs with no chance for recourse, like the 10% tariffs assigned to nations which already meet the US requirement for removing them. But many feel this is only a test of the president’s power to control these measures, and note the chilling effect it could have on behavior of celebrities viewed by the president.

Representatives of Bono could not be reached before newstime.