The Onion

In an unprecedented move, 13-year-old Brandon “Tired Bones” Hayden announced yesterday that he will be stepping down from his longstanding position as Commander and Chief of Chores. Citing reasons of fatigue, mental decline, and bad golf scores. Brandon does not have the power to appoint his successor but since he only has one sibling, his 10 year old sister Carmella is the only logical choice given such short notice.

The decision came after months of speculation and whispers around the dinner table about Brandon’s ability to maintain the rigorous standards of chore duty established during his tenure. Neighbors and family members alike have noted his frequent confusion, increase in naps and tendency to stare blankly at the wall.

Carmella, who has been serving as the backup chores officer, expressed her readiness to take on the new role. “I’ve been in training for years,” she said “I know I have some orthopedic shoes to fill, but I’m confident I can make our household clean again.”

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For context, this article is from 2022 but it was just reposted by the Onion’s social media accounts tonight, and I’m sharing it here, because: The Elon / Trump interview on X started with an immediate tech disaster / Musk claims there was a DDOS attack on X — but The Verge is told there was not.

From 2012. Can't remember if this was posted before. I remember when it came out he said he was going to make some big announcement detailing some dirt he had on Obama and then never announced anything.

Parents worldwide have proposed a new group of events that showcase the everyday heroics required to raise children. These proposed events promise to be as grueling as the triathlon.

1. The Family Dog Walk The Family Dog Walk combines canine management with child safety in a chaotic, high-stakes event. Participants must walk two untrained dogs on leashes while pushing a stroller and ensuring a toddler doesn't dart into oncoming traffic. This event requires world-class coordination, iron-clad patience, and the reflexes of a professional athlete. Extra points for picking up dog poop without the stroller rolling away.

2. The Toddler PJ Wrestling Match Inspired by the ancient art of Greco-Roman wrestling, the Toddler PJ Wrestling Match challenges parents to wrestle a wriggling toddler into a pair of zip-up pajamas that are at least one size too small. Competitors must contend with the notorious "alligator roll," where the toddler thrashes and flails with the agility of a gazelle. Points are awarded for speed, technique, and completing the match without the parent or toddler crying.

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EDIT: Changed article picture to stock photo due to feedback

“Like many hockey players, I’ve always dreamed of winning a Stanley Cup in a building named after my dad’s bank,” said Calgary Flames defenceman MacKenzie Weegar. “And now that dream can become a prudent marketing reality.”

Fans are also excited to see their tax dollars go towards a stadium named after an impersonal corporate behemoth.