The Onion

WASHINGTON—Whining that they were being discriminated against even though they were the “bestest sons ever in the whole wide world,” the Trump Boys attempted Thursday to convince their father that Barron was getting unfair advantages because he was a DEI. “Daddy, Barron is ruining our lives because he’s different,” said a pouting Donald Jr., who sobbed while describing how their little brother received preferential treatment even though he couldn’t do cartwheels, play basketball, or make fart noises as good as they could. “If we don’t do something, soon it’ll be nothing but Barron Trumps around here. We think it’s time to fire him from the family forever, and then send him back to wherever REIs [sic] come from!” At press time, the Trump boys had put on baseball helmets and aprons and rushed into Barron’s room to deport him to “Guacamole Bay” [sic].

Shocking news as the world leaders at being total cunts came together to try and out-cunt each other.

This comes as a war criminal cunt went to the White House to visit the felon Cunt-in-chief.

(Atlanta, GA) As tariffs settle into the American landscape and the stock market shows investors nervous about coming times, one bright spot is lighting the consumer market. Pepsi’s new carbonated beverage, “Pepsi Despair,” is flying off supermarket shelves, and being purchased by both liberals and conservatives alike.

“We proposed it as a joke,” said one conservative purchasing the drink at a 7-11, “and we created a lot of hype and demand for the product, thinking it would upset liberals. Well, Pepsi called our bluff… now we have to keep supporting our mistake or we look like idiots.” He opened the can and, shuddering, began drinking. “This was supposed to taste like liberal tears, but it’s more like the warm anus of a sewer rat. Still, I asked for this, and I can’t let any liberals see me admit I’m wrong, so…” he finished the can. “That was refreshing. I think this is what this country needs.”

At a supermarket, a liberal buyer was also disappointed by his product. “I’m stuck with this, but what choice do I have? Conservatives got what they want, and we are along for the ride. I’m so sorry to other countries what this product will be pushed on them whether they like it or not.” He grimaced, eyeing his case. “Republicans keep saying this is great, but anything would be better than this putrid garbage.”

While both sides - one openly and one secretly - detest the new reality, independent voters seem to be waking up to the fact they also are subjected to the same dismal slime by fiat. “I didn’t care either way,” said one, “but now I see all this crap around me, and I think some adult should be in charge. Maybe I should have paid more attention.”

Pepsi Despair will be available through 2028, if not longer.

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Industry Leaders Claim Expensive Models Offer 'Handcrafted Neural Networks'

The Canadian government has insisted that information on domestic goods is readily available to all trading partners, even including nations that recently elected a felony-convicted game show host to be their head of state. Instead, the United States has decided to employ a rarely-chosen trade tactic that international economists refer to as the “fuck around and find out” model.

(Washington D.C.) After two weeks of the new presidential administration, the country and the world have seen tremendous change. The US has cut off most aid, begun laying off government workers, and installing choices many call questionable into key cabinet positions. But as the snowballing consequences begin hurtling towards us for these choices, republicans remain delighted they’re happening.

“I bet them deep state spies are quaking in their boots,” said Erma Kruntz, as she nervously waited by her mailbox for her medicare check. “I’m tired of paying for so many people to sit around and make my money, not that I pay taxes, and this efficiency thing is gonna fix that.”

Kruntz, whose benefit check may be delayed by government confusion over furloughs, is not the only one cheering trump’s changes. Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in North Carolina, shares similar thoughts. “We send money all over the world, while people are starving here in America. We need to take that money and use it to pay less taxes.”

Economists, however, are less optimistic. “My grant is frozen,” said one economist, “so if you give me $200, I’ll say whatever you want.”

He continued, “this $200 makes a good point; as government support goes away, experts will become more dependent on biased funding sources to give comments or do research. There’s no telling what I might do for another $200 - no talking points are off limits.”

But economists predicting that butter can become a new form of online coin does not dampen the spirits of those oh-so-innocent republican voters skipping into the deep woods of reality. “I’m really excited Bout those tariffs,” said one. “I’d love to see China pay my taxes.”

That sentiment can only be tested by the coming months.

(Internet) It has been another eventful day, as yet another disastrous event unfolded in the trump presidential administration. And as reporting outlets consolidate and coverage wanes, Americans are finding only vague coverage of the latest outrage or policy, and this leaves them as disheartened as the events themselves.

This act or policy has left many wondering what the next outrageous act or policy will be. “It feels like each one is the worst,” said one person affected, “but we know, somehow, this will be overshadowed by the next one.”

Editors are as tired as the people affected, as well. “We can only hope this article can be run again, with minimal editing,” said one editor. “This administration keeps creating these terrible events, so that we barely have time to respond. Only by creating a generalized article that seems to cover each individual event, but is really just a vague hand-wave towards it, can we hope to meet our reporting mandate with a meager budget.

Republicans, however, are delighted by the act or policy, and will strongly support it until it affects them or their families directly. “He’s just doing his job as president,” some supporter said, or will say. “This is what needs to be done.”

But experts agree that this action or policy will have dire implications in the long term. As one expert said, “you want me to give you a blanket quote that will cover most gaffs during trump’s presidency? Well… let’s see… How about saying that an adult who considered the consequences of their actions would know better.”

The president was likely golfing and unavailable for comment at news time.

(Washington D.C.) As cabinet and staff positions are filled in the new administration, emphasis is being taken to highlight how representative of America this cabinet is. But less emphasis has been given of late: the White House has been facing recent allegations that - while the major advisors do represent the diversity of America - the cabinet and staff might represent the wrong parts of America, and this realization is slowly settling on the largely, some would say mostly, white straight male truck owning voters that make up the core of the president’s support.

“Did I hear one of them is gay,” asked Leo Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Oklahoma. “I’m pretty sure someone said one of them was gay. I already got a lot of guys I know talking about how trump said they was gay, and buying up Bud Light like it was on sale, so I don’t like hearin’ about that gay guy.”

Sturbgetter refers to Richard Grinell, the experienced former acting director of the Department of National Intelligence and its newly appointed, homosexual Director. His concern was evident when the Director’s sexual preference was confirmed.

“It ain’t right,” he murmured. “It ain’t right.”

Leo’s concern has the attention of the White House, which has found its ability to laud the white male members limited. Republicans in the senate, asking not to be named, agree. “Rubio isn’t white… Noem, Stefanik and Gabbard are women… sure you can count Gaetz twice if you count his user name on Seeking.com, but that’s a lot of diversity right next to the president.”

Republicans, many convinced that diversity has damaged American’s reputation as a melting pot, call on the president to take charge and begin replacing cabinet members with people that look like them. “I know he can do better than Robert Kennedy,” said one trump voter. “First of all, Kennedy. The moon landing was fake. Second, he is trying to look red in all his photos, which is mocking the president’s orange. ROY G BIV… get back down the rainbow and choose a color that goes after our commander and chief.”

“Rainbow,” he muttered. “Man, it goes all the way to the top.”

But disjointed though the disturbed ranting of these voters may be, they still represent a strong part of the president’s base. Calls for increased representation are being heard, and beginning to be addressed. A special commission is being called by Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina, to evaluate every straight white male in government, as potential candidates for filling any openings that become available.

Requests for comment on the excess diversity in the White House were not returned by Communications Director Cheung.

As trump completes his second week in office, new outlets continue to report on his bungled handling of a collision between a passenger jet and military Black Hawk. And this has America’s adversaries around the world nervous.

“I have to be missing someone we paid off,” said one Iranian official on condition of anonymity. “Do we have a speech guy, or a teleprompter guy? Do we need to send a bribe payment there?” The negative response from his staff left him disheartened. “Can we anyway,” he asked. “I’m getting a medal for this.”

This sentiment is reflected throughout America’s competitors around the globe, as intelligence agencies scramble to find out who they owe money for this flaming train wreck of ineptitude. A mid-level Chinese intelligence officer expressed his frustration. “They cut off all government grants,” he complained. “All of them. I have American researchers calling the Chinese government with papers ready to publish asking for funding.”

“I went to school for ten years learning espionage. This is like throwing babies into a shark tank. [ed. note - translation kept as appropriate]” he sighed. “Oh god, they’re starting a trade war with Columbia. I never thought I’d see my job outsourced to the US Government like this.”

And that’s a concern many former intelligence officers are noting. Much like the peace dividend of the fall of the Soviet Union decreased military spending in the West, there is the danger of a “stupid dividend” causing similar atrophy in America’s adversaries.

“I have guys in the office wearing “Self-Inflicted Gunshot Wound to America” tshirts at the office now,” said the Iranian Intelligence officer, “but they won’t be laughing when they lose their jobs.” He handed us all $10,000 each. “Here, keep reporting exactly what your government is doing to itself, but make it clear I told you to.”

The president could not be reached from his video golf game for comment.

The last line sounds about right

The National Beef Council has simultaneously launched billboard and glossy magazine ads that feature a row of coffins with the tagline “Beef: It’s supposed to kill you.”