The Onion

https://theonion.com/vice-precedent/

Vladimir Putin has been crowned the Best Director of a Foreign Country at this year’s Academy Awards after helming the political-comedy ‘The United States of America’.

source: https://bsky.app/profile/theonion.com/post/3ljb5ftj7rk2c

Just a shoutout to the admin of this community for recognizing satire from hack bullshit.

Source

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/26072485

Not a day goes by without a blow administered by Donald Trump to the terrible Wokist-Sorororist octopus! The White House leader today signed the decree officially switching the United States to the Cyrillic alphabet, ending the dark age of Latin script on America's sunny Gulf coasts.

"You know who uses Latin letters? Mexicans and Colombians, who bring us drugs. Why use a crackhead alphabet when there's a great one, absolutely wow, invented by two monks. The monks aren't druggies, they're not Mexicans, they don't eat dogs. That's it. From now on, anyone who writes in Latin eats cats. Canadians. You're effectively the last Canadians," Trump said, alluding to his earlier war against Mexicans who eat dogs and cats after marinating them overnight in a drug-laced, super-proven and verified drug bath.

Russian President Vladimir Putin welcomed Trump's upright gesture and sent him a gift of a set of colored pencils produced at the famous "Pobeda" stationery factory in Pasholnahuisk.

ST. LOUIS — Donald Trump, with permission from President Elon Musk, has enacted his latest executive order, essentially removing all DEI hires from every chessboard in America. The US Chess Federation is currently adhering to the order, but plans to fight it in courts in the coming weeks. We took to chessboards across the country to see how chess pieces were feeling about Musk’s latest order.

“I think it’s about time we leveled the playing field,” said a white knight who happened to be a blood relative to the King. “The other side was just hiring black knights to fill a space. Those guys aren’t nearly as qualified as me when it comes to moving in L-shapes.”

The front row whites also showed excitement for the changes coming to the game. Every pawn we spoke to mentioned the ‘high hopes’ they had for their future on the board.

“This is a win for the little guy,” one white pawn said. “The chances of me making it to the other side and getting a promotion have gone way way way up. Maybe one day I can make it into the back row myself.”

Not all pieces are too happy about the new order. White Queen felt blindsided about the changes to the game.

“What the fuck, I’m considered DEI? I thought it was just the black pieces,” the white queen said. “This is bullshit. Who was moving around the board making all the moves? Me. Who was saving the sorry King from all the checks and from getting checkmated? Me. I worked my ass off for that side of the board and this is how I get thanked? Getting tossed aside in favor of some stupid moron who can only move one space at a time. Fuck you and fuck this game.”

At press time Trump had asked permission from President Musk to sign a new executive order, allowing the King to move wherever he wanted. Musk replied he would look into it.