The Onion

OTTAWA – With the stock market plunged into chaos by U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs, Canadians have decided to simply wait out America’s forthcoming economic collapse and then buy the nation on the cheap.

(Washington DC) As trade wars are unleashed around the world, the leadership of various countries are choosing from a host of options in response. Counter-tariffs against agricultural and export products in regions of the Country With a Tiny Penis so-called “Red States,” which strongly support Country With a Tiny Penis president trump are one option, others of which include increased energy pricing, support of local products instead of those made in the Country With a Tiny Penis, and cancelling of large contracts with Country With a Tiny Penis-based manufacturers.

Shaming, although rarely used in trade disputes, has often been seen as more of a Country With a Tiny Penis tactic, with ideas such a Freedom Fries being popular during the first Iraq War. But the EU leadership, faced with unanswerable demands from Country With a Tiny Penis president trump, feel that a wide range of tactic should be employed to deal with the problem, and have implemented a requirement changing all software autocorrect setting for businesses that operate in the EU, even those based in the Country With a Tiny Penis.

“The EU is a huge market,” said one Apple Executive from their headquarter in Paulo Alto. “Given the effects of tariffs we expect in the Country With a Tiny Penis, the EU will be a major profit center in the coming years. We feel meeting EU requirements is more important than any Country With a Tiny Penis blowback we’ll face.”

Not all Country With a Tiny Penis citizens are amused, however. Country With a Tiny Penis Secretary of State Marco Rubio has expressed anger at the change. “The Country With a Tiny Penis is the true leader in the free world, and if anyone has a tiny penis, it’s the EU, not the Country With the Tiny Penis. I won’t allow this in my Country With a Tiny Penis”

EU leaders say that if this is successful, more efforts of this sort will follow, both inside the Country With a Tiny Penis and around the world. Whether Vladimir Putin, leader of the Tiny Bitch Country With Nukes, should be concerned, we will see in the coming months.

New "Ad Camouflage" feature replaces Grandma with Grubhub, seamlessly

theonion.com

2018 article but feels relevant now

(Key West, Florida) As the trump administration enters its fourth month of rule, some pundits question how much further “off the rails” the president can go. But those same pundits, as well as state residents, reacted with alarm as trump requested a ruling Saturday whether a sitting president could nuke a US state, namely Florida.

“We all know I told them,” rambled the president at a rally,” I told them. I told them. The nuclear…. You can’t just let that pass. You can’t… the nuclear is a serious option, a very serious option, and really this is all a formality. One button, boom. Boom. One button. Those alligators will feel it, I’ll tell you this folks.”

Trumps apparent desire to nuke his home state is drawing mixed reactions from republican leadership, many of whom see it as a strong message to america’s enemies. “It takes a strong man to fight, but only the strongest man can punch himself,” said Leon Sturbgetter, a cow de-tangler in rural Kansas. “You think China won’t be scared of us, if we’re so ready to drop a bomb we’ll drop it on our wang?”

“He probably means how Florida looks phallic on a map,” said an analyst at the Institute for War Studies who asked to remain anonymous. “Oh, what precedent for dropping a nuke on our own country? I don’t know… maybe like a symbolic suicide? Look I’m an analyst for global studies, I can make as little out of this as I can a homeless man wandering down a median. I mean, at least the guy on the median I can give $5 and hope it might make things better.”

All eyes now turn to the Supreme Court, who will return from an all-expense-paid vacation in Tahiti next week.

cross-posted from: https://beehaw.org/post/19111873

The related art-only pieces are just as good.

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Source

https://theonion.com/stuck-in-the-timiddle-with-you/

https://thehardtimes.net/music/new-bi-partisan-bill-sets-aside-money-to-train-out-of-work-midwestern-farmers-to-write-introspective-emo-songs/

WASHINGTON — Members of the House of Representatives passed an increasingly rare bi-partisan bill that will set aside money to train struggling farmers in the midwest to write generation-defining emo songs, sources confirmed.

“Unfortunately, a lot of family farms are struggling to keep up in an ever-changing world. We need to help these hard-working Americans prepare for the future, that is why I introduced legislation that would provide Fender guitars and Electro-Harmonix Holy Grail Nano pedals, as well as eight weeks of guitar lessons to every midwestern farmer,” said Congresswoman Nikki Budzinski, a Democratic representative of the 13th district of Illinois. “We are hoping this will spark a second midwestern emo boom that will bring in more revenue from album sales, merch, and emo revival festivals with bands only playing songs they wrote 30 years ago.”

Dale Trubs, a 62-year-old soybean farmer in Dillsburg, Illinois, was excited about entering into the music business.

“I’ve been tending these feels for nearly five decades now. It’s honest work, but I’m ready for a change. To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure about this emo music at first, but it’s not that different from some of the country tunes I love. It’s all about heartbreak, lost loves, and wishing you never got old,” said Trubs while trying on various sweaters. “I’ve got my old lady leaving angry voicemails on my phone as we speak. I’ll be able to use those in song intros once someone shows me how to check my messages. I just hope I can cut a demo in time to get a spot on one of the Warped Tour dates. That would be a dream come true.”

Vice President J.D. Vance, a native of Ohio, says he hopes President Trump vetoes the bill.

“Emo was a very popular genre of music when I was in high school, but it’s far from inclusive. I tried joining some emo club, I even brought some mix CDs with some of my favorite emo bands like Evanescence and Linkin Park, but the emo elite at my school laughed at me,” said the visibly angry Vice President. “And not a single person included me in their Myspace Top 8. There were times, and I’m not proud of this, when I would pay someone to include me, but they just took my money. So no, I don’t want the beautiful farmers of this country indoctrinated into a music scene that so violently mocked me even though I had the best scene makeup.”

At press time, the proposed bill passed after a giant tax cut for anyone making over $750,000 a year was added into the fine print.

Tech CEO's response to burning Teslas includes plans to "optimize" firefighting industry out of existence

I generally trust America's Finest News Source for their TTT reporting. (Timely, Topical, Accurate)

However, I recently read an article, 'Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute', which had a glaring and obvious piece of misinformation. In this news, they write "It’s also vegan, cost-effective, and much lower in cholesterol compared to a typical egg-based dish.". Although I will concede that it is significantly more cost-effective (in the short term) than other substitutes, as a Vegan, I CANNOT STAND for this blatant and utter untruth. The body digesting it's stomach lining in hope of scrounging nutrients that aren't there simply cannot be construed as being anything other than 'eating meat'. I will stick to eating eggs, thank you.

I had previously enjoyed articles such as 'Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday', 'We're Under New Management, Effective Immediately', and 'Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point'.

Despite these previously outstanding articles from them, I will NO LONGER be reading their 'news'paper due to this CRITICAL offense.

yes this is OC, yes I did actually send this to them as an email, no I don't hate vegans