Not *Not* the Onion

WASHINGTON—After he was forcibly removed from a press conference held in Los Angeles yesterday by Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem, Democrats in the House of Representatives backed a resolution Friday that thanked federal agents for handcuffing Sen. Alex Padilla (D-CA).

“We express gratitude to law enforcement for bravely apprehending a sitting U.S. senator who expressed dissent in a public forum,” read the resolution, which won the support of 75 Democrats and praised both FBI and Secret Service agents for risking their lives to throw Padilla to the ground, handcuff him, and drag him outside.

“Every day, these brave officers stand in the line of fire to protect us from individuals who dare to exercise free speech. Thankfully, they were able to stop the senior senator from California before he could ask any difficult or probing questions on behalf of his constituents. We stand behind them, no matter which elected officials they may choose to assault, injure, or imprison.” Democrats also voted to give Noem a special commendation for bravely protecting authoritarianism in the face of danger.

cross-posted from: https://fedia.io/m/theonion@sh.itjust.works/t/2299814

The U.K. banned the possession of ninja swords in a bid to curb what it has called a “national knife crime crisis,” carrying a penalty of up to six months in jail for the possession of one. What do you think?

“Leaving them defenseless against the return of the Tokugawa shogunate?” -Joy Tenberg, Wildlife Promoter [...]

cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/45042272

cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/36495807

It's a tough "job" but someone "has to" do it

CHICAGO—Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood’s current residents, local woman Ellen Fuller told reporters Monday that technically she was gentrifying the land of the Potawatomi people. “You say this was a historically marginalized neighborhood, which is strange, because all I see is indigenous land,” said the 30-year-old asset manager, who rolled her eyes and clutched her coffee cup, reportedly exhausted from the effort of once again having to assume the role of educator. “Look, I’m not trying to be a know-it-all, but I’m driving up the rent on Potawatomi land. We’re all settlers, you know. Sorry, but it kind of seems like you’re the problem here.” At press time, reports confirmed Fuller had resolved to gentrify the neighborhood twice as hard.