gondaily

I find myself thinking about this quite often, and I think it comes down to excess.

Say you had infinite cake. How much cake would you eat?

10 slices a day? 20? 2? Maybe you would only eat a couple slices a week!

Say you had a way to make infinite money. How much money would you make?

I mean, instinctually, I feel the answer is that I'd just make as much as I could - what do I have to lose? Simultaneously, tho, there must be a point at which I'm satisfied; and there would certainly be a point at which, had I enough money, I would use it for other's sakes - if for no other reason, than simply because I don't care to use it for anything else.

Maybe not, tho.

Thing is, there is no such thing as infinite money, and I think that for someone to even chase such vast wealth, it requires a certain personality.

To strive for excess is absurd, so we see people with such wealth be absurd.

It's not so much that philanthropy isn't real, but moreso that the people that have just so much money only got there by having way too much money first. Why didn't they give then?

Sorry for such a terrible post today, but I just didn't feel like writing about anything else. It's so painful to think about the world, quite often.

I did wear shorts today, and the weather was delightfully chilly.

Went to Hamburg, today. It was nice weather, if a little chilly, and the city was just beyond gorgeous.

All around, everywhere, all the time! Well, all the time during the 7 hours we spent there, I guess, and everywhere we went, but still. Very nice.

We passed thru some very rich areas - that was surreal. Some people really have so much, don't they?

I also had a pretty lengthy call with my soon-to-be boss. It was nice, he's a good guy - he's good with people, at least. It seems I'll be working with AI soon.

I wore shorts, but this was one of those times pants would've also been perfectly appropriate.

I like Berlin

There's lots to the city I'm yet to see, and lots more I won't get to experience on my trip, but so far I'm enjoying my time quite a bit.

The walks with my brother are delightful, seeing all the storefront display lights and the sports cars is fun, and we get to discuss some urban planning too - tho it's mostly me talking and him just nodding along. Still, our conversations are very enjoyable!

My exercise has suffered a bit - new environment and all, hotel room - but I'm still going hard with the usual stuff as much as I can. Also, I've been walking LOTS, so I'm hoping that's somewhat counteracting the carb injection into my diet... There's lots of fries' spots in Berlin.

I've been wearing shorts, as it's searing hot over here. Today was maybe a little better in the evening, but holy crap is it hot!

Stay hydrated yo!

I went into quite a few stores today. I didn't buy anything, but I got to take a look at Uniqlo's and Muji's stuff IRL, which I think is really helpful and may guide future purchases.

I'm spending a few days in Germany, and so far I'm really enjoying it. It's (Berlin) not that much different from most other European cities, I find, but that does mean that it's nice! The weather has been good, in a sense, but it's way too ducking hot! SO HOT!

I ate good too - perhaps too good... - and enjoyed my company: my family :D !

I hope to keep enjoying the few days I've left. I wore shorts today - very appropriate attire - but did also take a look at some Uniqlo corduroy.

These days, I'm thinking about jackets quite often.

Not really anything concrete, but just kind of... I feel like I want a nice jacket is all. I do have one, it's not very nice but it looks kind of nice, I guess. It's not very formal, but it can pass for fancy. However, it's definitely not something you can just put on and act like you're not wearing something extra for daily wear - that's the frustrating part! Maybe the issue is my mentality and perception of formality, really... Admittedly, I do feel like I should review a lot regarding how I think about things, fashion-wise.

Anyway, I won't be buying anything any time soon, I suppose. Might as well just keep this in the back of my mind, and hopefully it'll come to me eventually.

Speaking of buying, I did put up both my jeans for sale and bought 2 others to replace them, in a smaller size. Hoping they fit and everything works out great for me! That being said, I did wear shorts today.

This is the second day that I've been having some protein powder.

I did some light research on the topic, and it does seem that I should eat a protein-rich diet to build muscle. I looked at how much protein I was consuming and... Well, the number wasn't exactly the recommended. It wasn't even the recommended dose for someone not trying to build muscle, actually! So, I bought some chocolate-flavoured protein powder from the local supermarket. I think it was a really good purchase.

It's not exactly God's gift to gastronomy or anything, but it's genuinely good tasting, to be honest. I really like it - just being honest - and it's a sweet thing I can eat and really not feel guilty at all. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm doing something good for my health and progressing my muscle-building! It's just... What? 3 birds with one stone?! One rather expensive stone, in relative terms, but still.

I also started tracking my workouts to see if I see some improvement, and I changed up the order so that I work out before I go on my walk. That seems to be the general recommendation, online. Whatever, doesn't really make a difference, logistically.

Regardless, the final tally is that I've been feeling really good. Just, all the time, basically. Energized, motivated, effective. At this point, even if the protein isn't making an actual, physical difference, at the very least it's making some sort of psychological difference that I very much appreciate. Definitely worth the price, I feel like, for that alone.

So, that's the take. I eat plenty of protein now, at the very least, and I'm very much enjoying it. As far as I can see, the amount I'm eating isn't likely to have any adverse effects or anything either so...

Well, anyway, I'm just happy to be happy, I guess.

I wore shorts, today, as per usual, but today was a little chillier than usual. Still plenty hot, mind you, and I didn't leave the apartment save for my walk, but yeah.

Actually, I've been getting a little hungrier than usual, lately. There was a good deal of time there when I was eating only breakfast and lunch and not being hungry the rest of the day while losing weight. That was good. Now, however, I'm having breakfast, lunch, and then eating some more later at night. I was thinking that that would make it so that I wouldn't be hungry, but maybe eating later in the day is actually having the opposite effect? I don't mind it too much - it's not like my stomach is grumbling or something; it's moreso I'm just feeling like I could go for a bite - but it is somewhat notable, I feel like.

I'll be keeping an eye on my weight, as well. I think I'm staying around 67 kg, but I suppose it's not a good idea to drop too much or to balloon up either.

Today, I was thinking about getting things done.

I feel like, generally speaking, I'm someone very prone to starting something and then dropping it before taking it to completion. I try to write a novel, then stop; I try to stop eating sweets, then break; I try to start exercising, then quit. At least, I used to be like that, but I seem to have «grown out of it» a little, at least.

I think it may be related to just doing something every day. I'm not sure if it's the routine of it, or maybe it's the fact that doing something every day, no matter how small, is proof that I can keep going, and hence, motivation. I feel like I am motivated by my own persistence, if that makes sense.

I mean, these daily posts I have going on here really don't do much at all. I write a little, which is nice and does get my brain moving; I get to think about my day and slow down for a bit; and occasionally I do get some nice conversations going; but generally speaking, it's just not much. I don't often have much to discuss or divulge, anyway. Yet, I can't help but feel like just doing it, every single day, has helped me be consistent and persistent in other aspects of my life.

Yesterday - and the day before, actually - I really didn't feel like completing my workout. Well, "complete" isn't the word, there, but moreso I didn't feel like pushing myself that little bit more. Yesterday alone I found myself walking away from an exercise, and then turning around and going at it again! I quit, full-on quit, and then went back for more. The idea of just dropping it right there, when I still could do more, felt very bad. Not in a physical sense, but just on an emotional level I felt like I was betraying a certain part of myself. It was a bit of a weird feeling, and it felt very weird to go with it, but I did it, and I feel that it was the right choice.

I think that and my weight loss are permanent reminders that I can keep going. If I just try, if I go for it, I really can do things every day. Just like I post every day, I can get things done if I just try. It's a nice feeling.

I wore shorts today, by the way.

Yesterday, I used a sheet for my workout. On Reddit, they say you can use a sheet and a door to do your pull workouts if you don't have equipment, so I tried it out. It's better than getting other stuff, at least, and it worked! I still need to work on getting better at it, and I'm sure it'll take some time to get used to, but it did work! At least I think so.

Also, I've been trying to recompile my wardrobe. We spent some time today - we being my mom and I - looking at my clothes and such, and yeah... Not great. I have so much shit, holy crap. So much stuff I never use and never want to use, so much stuff that doesn't fit me and hasn't fit me for years... Insane. I need to get rid of so many clothes.

Well, that's that. I wore shorts today, and they were actually relatively comfortable.

I think I really like drums in songs. Hot take: drums make a song! THERE, I SAID IT!

It's the bass, and it's the drums. You know it! DON'T LIE TO YOURSELF! ACCEPT THE BEAT!

Or something.

I've been listening to "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback quite often, recently. This because, a few days ago, my brother played it on aux when we were driving down to my cousin's little religious thing he was doing. It's really not a very song, is it? I mean, there's lots of very annoying things about it: the continuous "Yeah Yeah Yeah, No No" in that odd, whiny tone; the ever-repeating lyrics; the frontman's voice, which sounds like he's struggling to push words out of his cigarette smoke-ridden throat and charred lungs... I'm not a huge fan, really, but damn those drums. Before the guitars kick in, the drums go like truka-truka-truka-dom-dom-slash! and dang it hits - it really does. Frankly, I also kinda fuck with the first few lines. SUE ME! Nickelback lyrics speak to my little rock heart!

All I am... A rock man stuck in a hip-hop body...

My heart pulses with the beat, but my heart, it strums the silver strings.

I think the above line is really cool. I hope it gets through.

I wore shorts today, and a polo, but didn't have much fun. I think I just didn't feel very comfortable with the shorts... I really didn't like 'em. Also, the polo isn't very good quality, and it really shows, I feel like. It's fine, but then I got some stains on it somehow, in the back. Probably at the sushi place... Dang! It's whatever, I guess. Then, my parents made me go see some shoes? I think they got the impression I wanted them to go see some shoes with me, which I didn't, but whatever.

On a similar note, I did see some shoes from a brand I was thinking of buying from in person and they seemed really underwhelming, frankly. I might not buy from them after all.

Here's the greatest cover of any song ever concocted, by the way.

I wasn't feeling so good today... Got a headache first thing in the morn', then had to take a nap. Also, during our drive back, we got a flat tire on the highway and had to call assistance... Well, at least I now have that experience, I guess! Staying positive.

Still, it was very hot, and the noise levels on the highway are absurd, if you're outside of a car. It's actually insane. Do not recommend.

Then, I just wasn't feeling my walk today. We did do a full one, and I did also do some exercise when I got back home, but frankly, my heart just wasn't in it. I think it's good that I managed to still do it, but it kinda sucked, as a whole.

Sometimes, days like these just happen, and we've gotta deal with them as they come. I feel like I did a reasonable job. My afternoon nap did wonders for how I was feeling, too.

There's things to look forward to, tomorrow. Sushi, specifically. We've been eating out a lot, these past few days, but I love it. Well, I guess since I don't have to pay! Plus, the food is great. Also, I forgot to mention this in my previous posts, but I did get a new phone. It's a Samsung. It's good, nothing special, but it does the job and isn't falling apart just yet. It was cheap, and that's frankly the biggest issue for me. I really don't like overpaying for this kind of stuff... I just don't use my phone for much more than communication, occasionally taking a picture, looking shit up, and listening to music and podcasts. I do watch some YT videos sometimes on my phone, I guess, but the screen on this thing is actually pretty decent. Overall, happy with the purchase.

My brother and I took a bus ride today, and it was great.

You know, I'm feeling much better after writing all this, quite frankly. I wore shorts today.

I checked-in to my new studio apartment, today. I'll be staying the night, but then going back and only returning some time later this month.

Wore shorts, of course.

I like the place. Pleasant location, affordable... Small but has all I'll need (hopefully). My parents helped me a lot, too.

I'll need to see about public transport... But that's all!

Woohee!

Got my new corduroy pants! They're awesome!!

They fit me good, tho they are just ever so tight in the waist. Not like they're at risk of bursting or anything, but the sort of pants I might have to unbutton if I eat a particularly large meal. I did gain some weight the past few weeks... I was hoping it was all muscle, but realistically that's just impossible. That is to say, I do have a couple kg to lose, and hopefully fit a little more comfortably in the pants. Otherwise, they're perfect.

Also, my parents got me some nicer polos - this time in black - and I did a little try-on with them and the pants. I liked it! I thought I looked really nice, and my parents seemed very happy with my looks too, which I take as a good sign. I did also try some fancier shoes, but they didn't really work out. It's not that they looked bad, per se, but they just didn't fit the look I was going for. Maybe with a different shirt it would've been better - since polos aren't particularly formal and definitely clashed with the shoes, in that regard - but my dad actually thinks that it's a bigger issue altogether, and that it can be fixed by getting some suede shoes. I might see the vision... At least getting some less shiny - Duller? That doesn't sound good... - should help the issue. I also just didn't like how pointy they were. They really weren't particularly pointy, as far as dress shoes go, but they're just too pointy for my taste; I much prefer a rounder toe box, for some reason.

Regardless, a very successful purchase, if I do say so myself. I might just ask the seller where they bought it and go get more!

Other than that, I went to work out today. I did it in public... In front of people. It was a little awkward, but I got it moving. My brother was with me, anyway. I couldn't do my pushups very well, and then some older guy went and did a bunch right after I failed. It felt a little like he was mocking me, but I think that's just my ego talking. He probably just saw me struggling and wanted to try too; nothing wrong with that, of course. Still, it was a little frustrating to be confronted with my weakness so openly. This is why I say "trust the process" so much, because I feel like I really need to. I'm trying to get stronger, and there are people stronger than me, but over time I should get stronger. That's how it works; you try to do something and you get better at it. Hopefully, anyway. That's the process.

I'm feeling good... Hopefully my weight does go down tomorrow, though. I don't want to be at 67 kg anymore... I weighted in at 67.2 this morning, actually. That's about 2 kg above where I want to be, so I definitely have some work to do.

Today, I had to deal with some bureaucracy. It was a little rough... Though, frankly, I handled it quite well - unlike my father. He does not fuck with that! At all! He got a little heated.

Now, in his defence, we did end up hitting 3 different places to get this shit done - this aforementioned shit, which should've been swiftly handled at the first spot. First, we got told we were missing some documents - which we knew we weren't missing, since we've done this thing a thousand times - then, we were told (this at the second place) that they didn't know how to do it! That's right! The place tasked with handling these docs... Didn't know how to handle the docs!! OH YEAH!! Well, at least they told us about a third place, in which one guy who did know how to handle the docs now worked. We went there and he handled them swiftly. Who knew - we weren't missing anything, after all!

Now, for me, this was actually all relatively chill. We had time, we didn't have anything to do... It was a fun trip. I don't mind standing in line much, and I didn't actually have to wait that long at any of these places, in the grand scheme of things. True, a trip that could've taken us 15 minutes ended up taking the better part of 2 hours, but that's life, sometimes. My dad, on the other hand, was royally frustrated with the blatant incompetence and unreasonable bureaucratic load of the whole process. Understandably so, of course.

Well, it was fun for me. Frustrating, but fun.

In other news, I went to BK today. We were getting some plumbing done, so we couldn't use the kitchen, so my brother and I went out to eat. It was fun! I tried out something - ordering directly to the table in the app (kinda nuts) - but it didn't work out. It's fine - it's fun to do something different once in a while, and even though it didn't work I got to have a kinda funny interaction with the person responsible; she was very nice.

I think I'm getting a little better at push-ups. I already noticed I got much better at pull-ups, over the past few weeks. That being said, I'm having some trouble figuring out how to do my pull exercises over here, so I'll have to try and figure something out. I did manage to hit my back a little, but didn't hit my biceps very much, I think. At least I didn't feel it much. Whatever! Just moving is good, I'd say. I did take a long and nice walk with my brother, as per usual. We're back on our usual route, so it's lots of fun to just walk and talk and then, before I know it, it's over!

I'm feeling happy. I wore shorts today.

I'm back on my computer, after 3 weeks.

I don't feel detoxed at all, tho that's likely due to me being damn near glued to my phone when without my computer.

Regardless, it's at times like these that I remember to be grateful for what I have. My laptop is pretty bad, but compared to my phone - which is currently falling apart a the seems, quite literally - this is a luxury without comparison.

I wore jeans today, by the way. It was OK.

This will be the first time working out in the city... I'll see how it goes. I might actually just bite the bullet and get a gym membership, at some point...

I wonder if I'm easily influenced.

Can you be easily influenced if you're aware of it? I think the answer is yes.

I went to church today. It was actually kind of fun... I feel I've changed a lot since the last time I've been, so now I'm really looking at the whole thing from a completely different lens. It's kind of weird, actually. It sounds so... Culty, frankly. Well, I guess it quite literally is a cult.

Still, I had fun. I like people watching, maybe.

I certainly didn't get swayed to godliness, I can tell you that much! I'm not that easily influenced, at least.

I did wear pants, tho! I'm not sure if what I wore was denim... I don't think so, actually. Maybe canvas? Is that a cotton material for pants? And a dress shirt! It was nice.

I'll be going back to the mainland tomorrow... Hopefully, everything goes smoothly.

I'm a little hungry, right now.

I ate plenty, today - I feel like, at least - but somehow I've got the munchies. It might be the previous days of overeating that got my body back on that line.

My weight did go up significantly, which sucks, but also it's fine. I feel healthy, and that's what I'm gonna be measuring myself against. Then again, I don't want to gain a bunch of weight and have to change my plans for pants.

Speaking of which, I bought some corduroy pants! I'm hoping they're a good size... Second-hand, 10€ including shipping, so not a big deal if they're not a good size, but still. If they're good, I'd like to wear them, you know?

I've always like corduroy, and if I've ever said anything to the contrary, no I didn't. Still, it's a little old-fashioned and... Well, I'm a little afraid people might judge me a little for wearing that. I'm also thinking of buying some dress shoes. Have I gone insane, I wonder. Perchance, mayhaps.

Brown corduroy pants, black belt, black dress shoes, black socks, light blue polo, thin silver necklace. Do you see the vision? I'm a fashion visionary, and by visionary I mean olfactionary!! I mean, of course, that instead of a future-facing perspective - sight-associated, hence visionary - I have a past-facing perspective - smell-associated, hence olfactionary. I didn't mean to insult your intelligence, I know you understood what I meant immediately.

Still, I feel like the fit may just go hard. I don't have a light blue polo or a silver necklace (of any thickness), so I can't really put it together... Still, I see it in my mind's eye, and I see greatness.

Because I'm colourblind - or due to my mental situation - I feel I have a tendency to justify my colour choices with metaphorical relations, rather than aesthetic reasons. As in, I can't match for shit, might as well say something with the colours, you know? The silver necklace is the silver lining, the brown pants are the colour of an island, the black is the basalt (vulcanic island), and the blue is, of course, the sky and the ocean.

I feel I've heard that blue and brown don't go together, though? I hope that was a hallucination of some kind. Or wrong.

I fear my interest in material things may be warping my personality in ways I find displeasing, but as I warp I stop finding them displeasing. Should I live with the opinion of my past self in mind, or is it best to chase a better version of myself regardless of what I used to think?

What if I get somewhere where I can't ever turn back? If past me was right; If I took a wrong turn somewhere and can never return to the right path?

Will wearing corduroy pants and a polo make a permanent mark on my personality?

I suppose holding the belief that redemption is always possible in life prevents - or at least soothes - this sort of conundrum. Hence, I will hold the aforementioned position until further notice.

I saw an image of an anime girl wearing a very interesting shirt, today, and I thought that I would like to see a real woman wear a similar garment. I'm not sure what this may imply, if anything, but I'll leave it at that.

Peace out yo!

I ate lots of pineapple today, holy crap.

I've been gaining weight because of my overeating for the past few days, so I decided to give it a break from today onwards. "It" being the overeating, of course.

Still, I ate a lot of pineapple. It was delicious.

Other than that, feeling decently good. Wore shorts, as per usual. Nothing much else to report.

Out!

I read somewhere that jeans are a symbol of American cultural influence.

I think Reddit.

Frankly, I do get that... Jeans are very American, in a way, but... Really? I feel like it's sort of been accepted as just a part of clothing and doesn't really have a connotation of USA.

Maybe that's it, tho, it's so ingrained that I don't even recognize it as a cultural export. Could be.

I wonder what other kind of durable pants are there that are a sign of some other country or region's cultural influence.

I wore shorts today, anyway.

I often think about forgetting.

Being back home after so long, I realize how much I've forgotten - people, places... Of course, things've changed, but some things that haven't still feel weird. I simply don't remember them as I feel I should, and that surprises me every time.

My dad forgot we were supposed to go get pizza tomorrow. It's fine, we reminded him, but still. We really do forget, huh...

There are many things I wish I could forget, but somehow never do. I wonder how many things I've forgotten that I would've wished never to.

Such is the way of the mind, I suppose. My mind, at least. I am forced to wonder, never to know; Every thought potentially unfinished; Every memory potentially tarnished; And yet, exactly as it should be.

Is that naturalism? "The way it is is the way it should be."

I wore shorts today, on account of the blazing sun.

Just read Teren Mikami's There's No Freaking Way I'll Be Your Lover! Unless... and it's amazing.

Mind you, it's really nothing special. It's not particularly insightful or thought-provoking, but holy shit is it hilarious. It's so funny all the way thru!

I laughed out loud constantly; and it's not just the situations - tho they are very funny - but just the way it's written with the parentheses and one-off comments... It's hysterical!

5/5, I must concede. It's cute and cackly. Cackly, as in, it induces cackles. Laughter. It's funny.

Recently, I've been thinking about how maybe I shouldn't buy clothes at all.

Sell and buy, second-hand, sure, as long as I'm replacing things, but increasing the number of things I own feels more and more ridiculous.

Spending feels more like consuming, having feels like craving. I just want to be content, satisfied. I don't want to chase, constantly, I don't want to optimize anymore. It all just feels so self-centered.

I want to be outside and talk to people. Mind you, I don't generally like people very much, but I think that really may be the path to enjoying life a little more. Cleaning a park is probably better for me than owning some nicer pants. Like that.

I don't know. This is but a burgeoning thought!, but it's starting to weight on me. Why do I think about myself so much?

Should I?

I feel like the answer is no.

If I shift my aim to making others' lives better, or just participating in others' lives, I might enjoy life more.

Other-care is the real self-care?

I wore shorts today. They're too big, but they're good enough.

I'm not feeling so good. Really, I feel like nothing's gone my way today, or any day, for that matter.

Looking back, I can see that this is not true, of course. Some things didn't go my way, but it was a very decent day - above average, even.

Still, I can't shake this lead in my stomach, a weight in my chest, clouds in my mind. I just don't feel good or happy or satisfied. I feel like nothing's gone my way.

I'm not sure what brought this on, exactly. I have some suspicions - few of which aren't very good signs for my mental health; none of which are particularly reasonable, of course - but I can't pinpoint the moment the feeling started, or if it's just been there from the start (or before) and compounding all day.

I think I'll do some deep breaths, think about stuff, and relax. Lean back, and relax. Tell myself that everything is alright, because it is!

I wore shorts, today. They were a little uncomfortable.

I feel like my workouts are having an effect. Today, I think I really performed. I did more reps and I did them better, with better form and I felt more focused. Maybe this was more due to having eaten more today, in the afternoon... I suppose it's a matter of investigating this.

Regardless, it was nice. I hope I can continue to see improvements.

Met my friends today. It was fun and nice, if a little awkward. We haven't seen each other in a long while, after all, we don't have that much in common.

It was a good day, anyway.

I wore jeans, tho it was perhaps a little too hot for it, frankly.

I'll have lunch with friends, tomorrow. I'm a little nervous, but also excited to meet them.

I changed a bit, over the years, and surely so have they. I wonder how much, since I've last seen them.

On another note, I tried really hard on my workout today. My back and legs felt it pretty hard.

I'll try to get a good night's sleep for tomorrow. We made some particularly good cheese, too, so I'm excited for breakfast.

I wore shorts today, and will do so tomorrow as well, most likely, as the weather demands.

I love cheese so much... Truly, it might be my biggest gastronomic passion.

My dad and I made more cheese, yesterday, which I ate today for breakfast. Absolutely amazing. Thick and delicious... Holy crap.

I'm missing bread, though. We need to get on that.

My weight has been going down, a little, it seems. I weighted in at 65 kg this morning... Today I ate lots of cheese and a piece of chocolate, and some icecream. I mean, if I'm not in a calorie surplus, what the fuck. If I weight in at under 65 tomorrow, I'm just gonna start having dinner.

Additionally, I finished Grave Peril, from The Dresden Files... 2/5.

Here's what I wrote on my Bookwyrm:

I found the novel a little confusing, convoluted, and - perhaps most egregiously - self-important. I just found myself not really caring about the characters that much, including the mostly unbearable main character wallowing in his self-pity and weakness basically the whole way through. Of course, he finds some mystical way to get even stronger than before right at the end to save the day!

Please...

There were good moments, and this does hold some promise for the rest of the series, but why would I read more of this manchild's half-baked doings?

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up... I'm dropping the series, for the time being.

I'm picking up "Empire of Silence" from The Sun Eater series. Sounds interesting.

Wore shorts today, as per usual. It's very hot...