fakenews

Little Italy, New York. Known as "Italian Mecca" to the local wopulation, one restaurant found themselves facing a lawsuit after a vegan man was taken to a local medical facility to get his stomach pumped.

"Look, you eat here, you're gonna get gout. I don't have time to listen to every order people make," said Giuseppi Grabatelli, owner and operator of Joe's Original Pizza. "We serve cheese, we serve meat. Whaddayagonnadoaboudit?"

Some regulars are critical of Grabatelli's laissez-faire attitude toward food safety and bodily autonomy. "I mean, yeah, it's kinda gay but he ordered a fuckin mushroom. You wanna give him a slab of meat? Get the fuck oudda here," said restaurant regular Vino Blasagna, before he was interrupted by a large man two tables away who screamed back "Who the fuck are you, huh? Some kinda tough guy?" Police quickly intervened to disarm both men and break up the relatively civil conversation but a feeling of dread remained in the air for seconds, if not minutes afterwards.

"I'm not happy about being poisoned but I respect it," said Garrett Williamsburg, from Williamsburg. "He was just doing what any self-respecting nonna would do. That being said, I'm gonna sue the fuck out of him."

This story is still unfolding and we will update with more information as it becomes available.

So much for solidarity you worthless scum. Always had a strong hate for Ireland but now it makes complete sense.

Huddled together outside the Court, members of the queer community were left speechless after the community was dealt a blow that gender experts say might have consequences for decades.

Almost immediately after 26-year-old Luna Algae Brindle was found Not Eepy in a 7-2 decision, protestors nationwide took to the streets, with more extreme groups setting fire to Chase Banks around the country. When questioned about their motives, they said "we've kept chasers around for too long". While the attacks are justified, one must wonder how many people who work at Chase Bank are actively on apps trying to suck trans people up.

In Minneapolis, protestors armed with Blahaj modified to hold assault rifles took over an Ikea and told police they weren't leaving until an unbiased third party witnesses them "cuddled up on snuggle mode". Police responded by opening fire and the protestors reportedly "decimated" the initial wave of officers, with SWAT teams coming in immediately after armed with water hoses and less lethal munitions. While the Blahaj were unharmed by the water, they were not similarly bulletproof. The Ikea has since fallen, a burned up ruin serving only to remind us of a battle where nobody won.

Florida also happened to be a surprising battleground, with the transfem community energized and composed almost entirely of former "cr*zy *ss white boys" with nothing left to lose. Wearing a uniform of loose fitting hoodies, National Guard forces were surprised when the protestors had plate carriers waiting to recieve incoming fire. Witnesses claim that the "Bottom Battalion" were "hopped up on a cocktail of feminizing drugs and bath salts," easily taking over Disneyworld and declaring that Mickey Mouse is gay now. Police have been attempting to breach the castle within the theme park but are having trouble getting past the moat filled with the crocodiles from Peter Pan.

The scenes of unrest in the country are disturbing to say the least. This reporter wonders if we can ever go back to how things used to be or if this is yet another new normal. Stay tuned for updates.