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https://web.archive.org/web/20230514131052/https://www.cnn.com/2023/02/14/politics/ted-cruz-senate-taiwan-noodles/index.html

WASHINGTON (CNN) -- The cafeteria menu in the Senate building, which has been serving chinese style cuisine on Fridays as a tradition for over 15 years, changed the name of "Chow Mein" to "Taiwan noodles" in a culinary rebuke of communist mainland China lead by hard line GOP Texas senator Ted Cruz over the dictatorial country's various human rights abuses and democratic crack downs.

The name change was celebrated by Cruz and a bipartisan group of his senate colleagues. The group, which included Democrats Joe Manchin (D-WV), Elizabeth Warren (D-MA), and Lisa Murkowski (R-AK), among others, held a news conference to celebrate the new menu.

"This action today is a small, but symbolic effort to show the strong displeasure of many on Capitol Hill with the actions of communist China. From stealing our technology to the persecution of Christians, if President Biden won't stand up to these international bullies we will" said Senator Cruz, the sub chairman of the Committee on Foreign Affairs. "Don't forget the Ughyers" interjected democratic Ohio Senator Sherrod Brown.

Cruz began the effort by contacting his fellow Texas senator John Cornyn, who sits on the Senate Internal Affairs committee, which among other roles has power over the senate cafeteria. Cornyn circulated a letter suggesting such a move. Cruz said he was following the example of a local restaurant owner in his home state.

"I represent Texas, the state with the most military bases and active duty troops. As I've watched these men and women wave goodbye to their loved ones being sent all over the world to guarantee our security and freedom, I am reminded of the deep love they have for the freedom of this nation and their desire to fight. We cannot surrender our culture to the Marxist menace"

The recent event rings similar to a food name controversy in 2004 when french fries served in the House of Representatives were renamed to "freedom fries" in response to French criticism of the US war in Iraq

"Had I been in congress at the time, I would have absolutely supported the change. Absolutely" Stated Cruz when asked about the similarities.

The name change was criticized by independent Vermont senator Bernie Sanders.

"That's completely ludicrous to me," he said while leaving today's session with a box of donuts in hand.

The United States has accused the ruling Chinese Communist Party of subverting journalism, democracy, and a long list of human rights violations, including what the biden administration has called a genocide against the ethnic Ugyhur group in the eastern Xinjiang province.

Officials with the CCP Embassy in Washington could not be reached for comment.

Born 泥木兰, the comedian and podcaster behind the acclaimed "Cumtown" podcast was found dead in his apartment with multiple sword wounds. The NYPD has arrested 2 men in connection with the murder and are investigating their possible triad connections.

Almost 10 years after the autoerotic asphyxiation death of Robin Williams, police are combing over the facts of the case once more hoping to find clues.

Henry Kissinger, war criminal and known dry jacker, was found dead in a Miami apartment belonging to a local journalist. His body was found hanging from a belt connected to a clothes rack in the closet, indicating autoerotic asphyxiation gone too far. Police were quick to close the case, but it seems that their haste may have slowed justice for the embattled peacemaker's family.

At first detectives claimed Kissinger's death was a copycat suicide, inspired by actors David Carradine, Robin Williams, James Gandolfini and countless others. Now they're open to the possibility that there was foul play involved.

Brooklyn, New York City. In a darkened apartment, Zelda Williams looks at crime scene photos hoping to find something that the police missed. She considers it one final gift to her father, nearly a decade after his untimely death. "It just doesn't make sense. He was Patch Adams, who would ever want to kill him, or fuck him?"

Williams broke down in tears when she spoke about the gruesome findings: "I'm getting sick thinking about someone doing this to him. I don't want to blame the IDF but they're the only people with the means and the motive here. If it wasn't them, then who?" Benjamin Netanyahu refused to comment when approached by Fake News researchers.

It's the same question investigators have. Detective Carl Alonzo has been investigating the case alone for over 5 years now and is convinced there is more to the deaths than meets the eye: "A common consistency between all of the cases is the lack of bruising on their necks. If any of them were still alive while allegedly jacking off there would be injuries consistent with blood flow. I think what we're seeing is someone trying to jack them off after the fact by manipulating their blood pressure."

This begs the question: who would spend over 10 years harvesting cum samples from famous celebrities and murderers? Why are they doing it? Who is next? Are they drinking it? Boofing it? Perhaps cooking it into dishes and eating them at the world's loneliest dinner table? Whatever the truth is, this reporter hopes it comes sooner, rather than later. Denying this story its climax seems unbefitting of the subject matter.

We will continue to update with more information as it becomes available

Hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah

THE two CEO’s Tim Martin of J.D Wetherspoons and his partner Michael O’Leary of Ryanair make history today as they unveil the first “flying pub.” The once recalled 737 Max is decked out in the familiar Wetherspoons decor including a fully functioning bar, a single pool table, dart board, and a small kitchen. After patrons pay £1500 pounds for their ticket, they are welcomed on board and offered a copy of “Wetherspoonews” which they can enjoy at one of the many available bar stools that are scattered about the plane. The flight from Manchester to Edinburgh is fairly quick only taking 15 minutes to and from each destination, boarding itself takes anywhere around 2-4 hours depending on many factors. Within the boarding hours, the bar and other facilities like the kitchen and toilets are temporarily out of service for safety reasons.

O’Leary who has received long running criticisms for the way he manages his airline claims this new venture is a “return to tradition” as he admits flight today is “an experience sanitized of life.” The two CEO’s were allegedly too busy to take the first flight but instead opened the doors to the first passengers, a family of 12 from Wigan who were left “dissatisfied” with the quality of the flight. “We didn’t have any time to finish our curries and there was no curry and pint for a fiver - it all cost us about 30 quid per person. The flight were so quick before we could start eating our food we were told we had to sit back in our chairs.” The family who are admirers of Tim Martin were upset that the CEO wouldn’t be joining them, “he up and left when he saw us and didn’t say hi, it’s a shame really since we paid so much but he’s a busy man I get it.” Chaos ensued when a window was completely destroyed after one of the patrons threw a dart but instead of hitting the board, a window was smashed which forced staff to seal the window with a stool pillow and duct tape. A fight broke out amongst the family after they blamed one another for the commotion.

LEGENDARY actor, comedian, Hollywood star Robin Williams makes controversial remarks during an interview for his latest film The Pillow Case, the star of many great Hollywood blockbusters such as Mrs. Doubtfire and Goodwill Hunting lashes out against “cruel and unjust” cancel culture. “We just want to make people laugh” Williams said before laughing himself, “see I’m making myself laugh. Comedy is joy… you want to take that away from us? F*** you!”

The interview went on for a bit with Williams answering questions about the films production before steering the conversation back to cancel culture, “Hollywood is at a crossroads and you can either choose the path to greatness or you can choose the path of fools… with the current state of Hollywood, you can see clear as day the wokewashing in effect. God forbid you tell the wrong joke, it doesn’t matter if you made their childhood with a role you appeared in… say the wrong thing they’ll come after you like a pack of dogs” - the actor ended his tirade with a wolf’s howl and started howling for the rest of the interview before telling the interviewer to “go f***” themselves and pissing on the chair he was sat on.

Detective drama / comedy The Pillow Case releases in March of next year.

Coming after news that the game director was part of an expedition in Brazil to explore "the most dangerous mangrove in the southern hemisphere" that went out of contact last week.

"He died doing what he loved" - an unnamed Fromsoft employee who says the loss of the auteur was a blow to the game studio

"We have to shelve the Sekiro Spinoff and the Bloodborne sequel, we simply cannot continue without Miyazaki-sensei"