fakenews

WASHINGTON May 09 (Hexbear) - President Joel Biden and Former President Donald J. Trump joined together to announce the merger of their respective political parties. The new party is called "The American Party" and marks the beginning of what President Brandon described as "Single Party Democracy", a new system that will unite Patriots all across America.

July 3rd, 2025

In a move described as an "embarrassing oversight" by leading right-wing commentators, the Republican-majority 118th United States Congress unanimously voted to legalize gender-affirming care for children and youth across all 52 states, and yesterday evening President Trump signed this bill into law. The reason? The "Protect Innocent Children from Kinky Medical Yuppies' Nefarious, Overtly Sexual Experimentation Act" (PICKMYNOSE Act) had been modified to include the following definition of "year":

A "year" for the purposes of this Act is hereby defined as the orbital period of the first planet from the Sun.

The first planet from the Sun is Mercury, whose orbital period lasts only 88 Earth days. Due to this oversight, the PICKMYNOSE Act, which sets 25 as the Federal age of access to medical transition, in practice has allowed any American as young as 6 years old to medically transition in an age-appropriate way. Neither the President nor any member of Congress noticed this issue of wording until the bill had already become the law of the land.

"Well, I just didn't think anything of [that definition]!", Republican senator Ray Szyzm said in an interview earlier this morning, "I mean, we're always number one, so I just figured that Earth was the first planet from the Sun, right? How the heck was I supposed to know that it was actually Mercury that was first from the sun? That's for the boys down in NASA to know!"

This interview quickly went viral on Mastodon, with one meme reading, "the virgin 'it's basic biology' versus the chad 'it's basic astronomy'". The "Solar System Song" from the 1990s cartoon Animaniacs has also become an overnight trend on Loops.

Republican senator Karen Furdritch said on the situation, "I didn't really get why the bill had to define what a year was — and honestly, I don't even really believe in planets to begin with, personally — but you know, I just figured that there was some reason that they had to do all that definition stuff, so I just kind of went along with it, y'know? I mean, if people really believe in this whole 'heliocentrism' conspiracy, then that's on them: as long as those crossdressers don't get to go into my bathrooms, then, you know, you can believe whatever you want. That's what I think."

The likes of Karen Furdritch and Ray Szyzm, however, are rare among the congresspeople who voted on the bill. It is reported that most congresspeople slept through the majority of the legislative process, and simply voted based on the bill's title alone. This includes most Democratic congresspeople, as the party disavowed support for transgender rights during the 2024 election in an attempt to broaden its voter base. It was the lone third-party House Representative, Ed Hill of the Trans Rights Action Party, who was responsible for the addition of the contentious definition. The official transcript shows that Ed Hill suggested the definition during the PICKMYNOSE Act's mark-up session, and was met with complete apathy from other committee members. When asked why he suggested the definition, Ed Hill simply replied, "We do a little trolling."

Transgender and youth activists across the United States have cheered the PICKMYNOSE Act's federal protection of gender-affirming care for minors, in a time of increasing attacks against the LGBT community. Many state governments, however, are now proposing legislation to officially designate various planets of the solar system as dwarf planets, in order to circumvent the new law. The most extreme of these proposals is now making its way through the Jefferson Legislature: the "Teach Accurate Astronomy Act" if passed would officially designate all eight planets as dwarf planets, and Pluto as a planet, in Jefferson state law. This would set the minimum age to medically transition as 6,200 Earth years.

Experts believe there may have been "a little bit of poop involved".

Tesla stocks soar to record highs as the automakers famously reliable electric vehicles continue to perform without major issue. Tesla owner Philip P. Bonaparte beams as he cashes in his long-held, "I really love my automobile, and it never has a single issue".

Cyber Truck owner Kyle G. Buttress is similarly impressed with his electric pickups performance. "Nothing bad ever happens to a cyber truck owner"!

From now on those who do not type in UwU or nya in every comment will be banned. You have been warned.

Your cat ears are in the mail.

Cat-theys are exempt provided they at least "nya" on occasion.

Comrade Day, welcome to the resistance

In a bizarre state of affairs, China and Russia have engaged in a joint military operation, by sending The Ukraine military aid with the hopes of testing out China’s military equipment in an active war situation. When asked why China was not sending it to their close ally Russia, foreign affairs minister Wang Yi said “China’s goal is to test its weaponry against a formidable opponent, our weapons used on this battlefield will show us how effective they are in combat situations during active warfare.” The weapons sent to The Ukraine are said to cost a total of 3.2 Billion USD which includes an assortment of firearms and missile technologies will potentially be used against one of their closest allies, which would mean there is potential for Chinese weapons to be used to kill fellow Russians. Wang Yi responded to this saying, “China is the largest manufacturer of goods worldwide, our technology for weapons have been used by the US using our silicon (from The Taiwan)… there is no difference in this case. We dominate the global manufacturing sectors, our enemies and allies alike will have no choice but to use our products as they see fit, whether it be household appliances or military weapons.”

The irony is astounding

This is the reason Biden couldn’t address the nation, he had to console Bibi.

Recently Lemmy was legally purchased by Meta and will be making the transition to the Meta family. This will mean respecting the code of conduct that has made Meta a leader in social media for decades.

Therefore, Lemmy is now a family company and does not tolerate violent extremist content.

Hexbear is one of the few extremist insances (now called MetaHuman Hubs ) that are being reviewed for possible ban. To avoid losing access to Lemmy, Hexbear must address the following.

1. Remove all extremist content, this includes racist terms such as "cracker", "mayo" and "cumskin".

2. Calls to violence of all kinds now violates our policy. Calling for the deaths of landlords and terms such as "landleech" will result in account termination as according to our agreement.

3. Beanis jokes will be banned due to the number of complaints that "beanis sounds too close to penis" and is too horny for a family friendly MetaHuman Hub

We understand that change can be hard, and are hoping that you enjoy being a part of your new Meta family. Let's enjoy being human together!🥳

Did you enjoy this Metahuman Post(Tm)? Make sure to subscribe to continue enjoying Metas new Metahuman Hub! Already a member? Log in here.

Photo via Widmore Corporation

SIDNEY (AP) — Oceanic Airlines has announced that it has lost all communication with Los Angeles-bound flight 815. The B-777 airliner departed Sidney at 14:55 GMT+10 and experienced complete radio failure within 6 hours of the 14-hour journey, just minutes after the pilots relayed a severe CAT (clear air turbulence) event. Air traffic controllers in Nadi, Fiji reported that the aircraft "completely vanished" from radars as it approached the island for an emergency landing.

An international search and rescue operation is underway with hopes of recovering the vessel and possible survivors. Notable among the 324 passengers are British musician Charlie Pace of the UK rock group Drive Shaft, Mega Millions lottery winner Hugo Reyes, and American actor/comedian Carrot Top.