fakenews

The United Nations Council for Protecting Western Innocence announced new sweeping bans across a variety of entertainment media, including From Software's popular "Bloodborne" on PlayStation 4.

"The game depicts violent murder against religious worshippers as well as the Gods they worship. This Video Game in particular has the power to corrupt our children's mind and scare them away from the Path of God" said Ron Europe, leader of The Council.

"At a later date we shall announce further sanctions against the Satanic Organization."

The President also announced a new Bill that will outlaw veganism in an effort to boost domestic meat sales.

Lucas also defends the infamous scene where an eopie farts near Jar Jar Binks. "If Disney touches that scene I will sue them to oblivion!"

ACTOR, “comedian”, known to have dated a 15 year old girl inviting her to the Emmy’s in 1996 when he was 39, Director, writer, and star of cult animated classic “The Bee Movie”, and devout Zionist Jerry Seinfeld has been CAPTURED by Hamas during his stay in the occupied territories. The alleged comedian was promoting his feature length advertisement “Pop Tart” to Israeli crowds whilst also bolstering support for the fascist regime. Hamas captured Seinfeld at 3 in the morning, we know this because Hamas has allowed Jerry stay in contact with his manager who relays information to the press. “They are feeding me nothing but honey” the alleged comedian said, “Mick (Jerry’s manager) they want me to rewrite that stupid f*cking movie. If I don’t I am a dead man.” It is unknown whether or not Seinfeld is trying to make light of his situation by making a joke, but his talents in comedy are severely lacking so he must be telling the truth. Seinfeld says he is uninjured but is deeply concerned for his health as the only sustenance he receives is honey, he says Hamas want him on a honey only diet so he can “become a bee.” Jerry also said they play buzzing sounds through a speaker and have provided him with a laptop with final draft preinstalled. It is unknown how much time Seinfeld has to rewrite the script, but his manager also says he is being forced to learn to write in Arabic.

Best wishes Jerry

dont get angry at me im just a little guy

WASHINGTON, May 21 (Hexbear) - President Joel Biden took to the podium today to announce a new groundbreaking safety initiative to curb the amount of accidents on American Roads.

"Incidents involving dangerous two-wheeled vehicles amount for millions of accidents on America's roads, but thanks to my new Safer Smarter America Bill which will eliminate these dangerous vehicles from our Beautiful Roads."

Because dangerous two-wheeled vehicles amount for 18.9% of all accidents on American Roads, American Drivers can expect to save up to a dozen American Dollars on their chosen Insurance Plan.

When asked for comment Musk replied on X (formally known as twitter) "I'm deeply concerned for the future of white people. When you have a video game about the samurai, the most honorable men in all of human history, taken over by the woke mind virus that sets a very dangerous standard".

Recording artist Grimes weighed in on X in response to her ex stating: "What is wrong with you? You're a fucking racist".

In the first prophetic revelation since Mohammed, God speaks to clarify issues with cosmology. "Sorry about the Dark Matter and Dark Energy. I was using it to test the gravity mechanics and forgot to comment it out before compiling the Universe. I know it seems weird and confusing. It's not supposed to be there."

A Donald Trump presidency might not spell the end of the non-existent American democracy, but it could spell doom for shitposting forum Hexbear.net.

Ever since Joel Biden took office as President of the United States of America, users of the notorious Right-Wing Communist forum "Hexbear" have rejoiced. Observed levels of Liberalism have increased one-hundred fold, leading to tons of tasty slop for the authoritarian piggies who browse the controversial subreddit. However, a Donald Trump Presidency could bring the good times to an end.

Studies have shown that under the rule of a Republican leader, American Liberals tend to oppose policies held by former Democratic Leaders, such as brutal border control, private health care scams, and racist police states. If American Liberals reverse course on their current support for President Joel Biden's Liberal policies under a potential Donald Trump presidency it could result in a united left-wing that could seriously damage the number of comments in the Hexbear News Megathread.

Under a Donalde Trumpe Presidency, American Liberals may reduce the number of blood-thirsty tweets they make on Elon Musk's Twitter (formerly X) platform. These posts are the life-blood of Hexbear's "Dunk Tank" forum, a gathering spot for users of the notorious platform who want to receive collective damage.

It's also expected that the number of astroturfed posts made by the Democratic Party that oppose left-wing positions will decrease, making the beloved neo-nazi website a more welcoming space for Hexbear's dying user-base. This could create a suction effect, draining the Far-Left Extremist site of its very few users, making it more difficult to spread violent Communist ideology.

Therefore, I believe it is in every Hexbear users best interest to "Rock The Vote" on election day and cast their ballot for President Joel Biden, insuring American Liberals remain as foul as ever in their continued support for President Joel Biden's ongoing genocide. Do it for the Slop.

The Chief Twit was heard screaming to staffers in a conference call that anyone that still calls it "twitter" should be sent to prison.

Authorities still decline to answer questions about the senator’s “rampage” through a Pennsylvania suburb. Hexbear News Network’s Senior Washington Corespondent MaxOS describes the scene as “fucking fucked up on all levels”.

"After many sessions of intense therapy I have come to understand that, through my words and deeds, I have caused harm to many people because of traits outside of their control, such as their race, their gender identity, or their financial circumstances." Mr. Musk said during an exclusive interview with Hexbear.

"I understand now that what I have done and said is wrong on so, so many levels. I truly don't think I will ever be able to forgive myself, and I don't blame you if you can't forgive me.

"Please support the Democratic Party this election season to bring sanity back to America."

Despite a wild fan base and millions of pre-orders, FromSoftware President Hidetaka Miyazaki has put the much anticipated expansion pack for Game of the Year winner "Elden Ring" on "Indefinite" hiatus as he begins working on what he calls a "passion project" - a videogame based on popular TV Anime "GochiUsa BLOOM".

"Honestly, Shadow of the Erd Tree wasn't shaping up the way I would have liked" Miyazaki said to Hexbear in an exclusive interview. "For starters, it lacked the deep emotional connection between characters you see in GochiUsa, and there simply wasn't any room for character growth the way we see with Chino-chan, who slowly opens up and accepts Cocoa-chan as her Onee-chan.

"Our new game, Rabbit Souls, will allow us to explore deeper personal connections than any of our previous games and finally deliver a fun and exciting gameplay experience never before seen from From Software."

Regardless of your thoughts on the delay, or on popular TV Anime GochiUsa BLOOM, one must feel excited for this new entry from legendary game studio From Software. Look forward to Rabbit Souls in 2027, and then finally Shadows of the Erd Tree in 2028.

Urologists have finally ended the debate of where urine is primarily stored. Doctor P. Bladdman, whizz kid at the research of Bladder And Liquid Luminosity Symposium reported that all bodily fluids are stored in tiny homunculi that live in the brain. Noting that if one were to have a worm in their brain, it would suggest a weak urinary homunculus, as most healthy homunculi kill off brain worms in single combat before they grow to full size.