fakenews

Kevin Bongos got the gig by being brother to senior advisor to Trump, Dan Bongos. He's described as a "hardcore NEET and diehard misogynist" and the twist? He's a virgin. Part of the larger "incel" community online, Bongos has created an app that tracks all pregnancies in a state by app and feeds it directly to womanhaters.org, an incel community that tracks in real time abortions and dispatches "first responders" to "deal with" females that decide not to carry.

A woman’s decomposed body has been recovered at a Brooklyn escape room which had been there for months. The body belonging to Catherine Baker, a 45 year old Brooklyn native was identified during the forensics investigation who have concluded no foul play was involved and that Baker had most likely died due to starvation.

Back in June Baker had booked the room to herself which is rare since most patrons go in groups, camera footage and receipts can attest to this as she had purchased the ticket online and was identified on camera in the lobby area. Although foul play is not involved, the employees who worked on the night, one of them having left the job and three others all plead their innocence and claim they all forgot since Baker had reserved a spot at a later time than usual and was alone. “We just thought it was a prop and didn’t really question it” says one employee who wants to remain anonymous. “We include horror elements in some of the games and we thought the body was added to the room by the designers.” The same employee also claims they never noticed any foul odors emitting from the body.

The question remains why the victim was never heard from and why she remained locked in for weeks without having been noticed by anyone. CEO of The Escape Game Todd Cum addressed the situation over twitter, adding further details which may produce answers. “We have four locations in New York City and each one is booked in advance… our designers prep the rooms with different themes which can take weeks and months of preparation. Some locations may only receive one booking per fortnight so we close the locations when they aren’t in service… the employees would then work at the alternate locations across the city when the others weren’t in use. We apologize to the family of Mrs. Baker.”

Police are still investigating the incident.

At a campaign stop in North Carolina today the former president remarked, "uhh let me be clear, I love Satan, I'm happy to play him".

Wow poor guy

"We need shitlibs in the white house" the presidential hopeful explained, "and when I think of the queen on shitlibs, she's IT." Ms. Jardin did not respond to questions but did ask an axios reporter "homie what set you from?"

"And on day one, day one, of my administration, we will unleash the largest deportation of WOKE video game developers ever" he said. He went on "the people that ruined The Last Of Us 2 by transing it will face fire and fury the likes of which has never been seen".

The 78 year old comedian told authorities he was heading off to Serbia to meet with a contact of Vladimir Putin to join Steven Segal's unit currently fighting in Ukraine.

The White House hopeful sat down with Dan Bongos from MSNBC and recounted what he saw: "It was amazing, you know, tremendous, we had Anubis there and he was weighing my soul so I could pass on to the afterlife, and you wouldn't believe, my soul was pure, it's like no one had ever seen, even the machine elves were amazed, they've never seen it."