fakenews

When asked to elaborate, the president-elect said "These turkeys, they're coming into our country through our unprotected border with Canada, they're not even wild turkeys. These are domestic turkeys, they have homes, they just choose to graze near our homes. I would shoot one dead right now if I could but they won't let me have a gun"

Oh fuck no wait wrong video oh fuck

The disgraced VP hopeful had for years been posing as an exiled Nigerian prince begging elderly pensioners out of their hard earned money. His criminal empire spanned both coasts and he was known to the criminal underworld as Tim "Joker Baby".

The Canadian firebrand known for defending men who chronically masturbate tried out a vape he was gifted for his birthday but it exploded in his pocket. First Mercy Hospital of Ottawa said his dick and balls have been blown clean off but he will recover.

Witnesses say Giuliani's eyes began bleeding as he held the spear and his voice turned to a booming volume proclaiming his is the son of god. His whereabouts are currently unknown.

The 2,545 year old demon who works as a barista part time explained to News Week it's findings.

"If you look at the data like I have, it's clear there was irregularities and we're calling for a recount"

May 14, 2031: On the fourth anniversary of the death of the last Palestinian born and raised in the West Bank, Pentagon official James McCaster revealed that not a single one of the Palestinian children that were killed during the Gaza conflict had any known links to Hamas.

‘Oops’, he was reported saying as tears welled up in his eyes. ‘This has been an incredibly rough time for me, coming to grips with the death of all of these innocent victims.’

Mr. McCaster describes his ongoing battle with depression and the constant mental health visits he’s made to various clinical professionals. Warner Brothers is set to release a film titled, ‘White man’s burden’, based on the tragic period of his life in which he supplied a hydrogen bomb to the IDF for the sole purpose of demolishing Dr. Abbas’ Pediatric Clinic, suspected of harboring Hamas medical supplies.

The X CEO told Axiois that he hopes a distant space faring species happens upon their seed and uses it. "I hope the alien is hot and has big tits" Musk added.

The transition team has not responded to our requests for comment.

The now 41 year old President told the Daily Mail he quote "feels great, Fat, all thanks to my lucky magic stone!"

Democrat presidental candidate, Dick Cheney, vows to get back to common sense next election and develop an even more powerful Hitler. More news at 11.

While performing a sacred ritual to revive former Soviet revolutionary leader Vladimir Lenin, North Korean Necromancers accidentally revived beloathed communist Leon Trotsky.

One Necromancer was overheard saying "Whoops" while another reportedly said "Not again" while cocking a standard issue pistol.

In a flurry of high-profile cabinet picks, President-Elect Donald J. Trump selects online viral video creator James Stephen Donaldson, known worldwide as MrBeast, to be the next United States Secretary of the Treasury.

Little explanation has been given for the selection, but many other influencers have taken to X - The Everything App® to try to make sense of the newest cabinet appointment. Popular streamer Aden Ross explains "High-key he's the GOAT, plain n' simple". Elon Musk, who has just recently been selected to head the newly proposed Department of Governmental Efficiency, has Xeeted "Welcome to the family, MrBeast. This is going to be the most epic administration EVER!!".

Trump transition team reportedly in chaos as staffers search for the source of the leak.

The Migrant Caravan, the largest according to the leak, was said to be a "Caravan of Mass Destruction" and "headed right to our borders." Independent observers investigated these claims in the past, but found no evidence of any CMDs.

Critics of the incoming Trump administration lambasted the plan, calling it a rehash of the buildup to the invasion of Iraq. Two decades ago a coalition to topple the Saddam Hussein regime was launched based on similarly tenuous evidence of Weapons of Mass Destruction that left US forces stuck in the region for over a decade.

The Trump transition team did not put out a press release regarding the leak as of yet, but it released the following statement, "The Trump team is reviewing all options to defend our borders from murders and criminals intent on doing harm to American citizens."

The trend began online back in 2016 with young fascists believing they could attain near demigod like powers by not ejaculating for a month. Now Betsy Devos is looking to make it a key part of universities across the nation.

i pledge to restore the great american industry of glasses that look like the year, and glasses with noses and moustaches on them

The SpaceX leader was hailed as mankind's savior after making the world's first sentient AI he used to fashion himself a wife. Now he's missing and his "wife" won't answer questions from the police without a lawyer.