fakenews

Trump debriefed the press with a sly grin, "folks, we got 'em". The South Park pair are formally charged with domestic terrorism and openly practicing satanism. They are set to be deported to CECOT on the 1st of August.

The president had a front row seat to the livestream of SEAL Six kicking down their door and pointing rifles at their faces in their sleep. Trump spoke over an intercom in the situation room being broadcasted through one of the soldier's phones, "you are very nasty people, very rude, you'll see how funny it is in Mexico [an aid chimed in that it's actually El Salvador] uh yeah Salvador, whatever, take them away!"

The president was touring the closed down prison when he broke off from the group to inspect a cell he believed was used by Clint Eastwood. When the group moved on to touring the outside, Mr. Trump ended up wandering through a loading dock then out into the ocean. The Coast Guard found the president adrift 10 miles off shore.

"I took, uh, I took a wrong turn folks, right into the drink. I got wet, super wet, the wettest I think any president in the history of president has ever been, quite frankly." Mr. Trump told reporters from AP.

He's set to make a full recovery.

Axios reached out to the man behind "Storm_Stomper" and surprisingly heard back. The account is linked to a 42 year old man named Dan Bongos of Newark who works in sanitation.

"I said yes to allowing Mr. Musk to use my posts for Grok" Bongos told Jessica Smunch of Axios, "I'm quite proud of what I've said over the years, go back, oh, 10 years ago and I was one of the first to say Obama was from Kenya, big time in my life."

When asked why he's a racist, Mr. Bongos commented "I used to be a bleeding heart liberal, then one time a black person called me a 'cracker' and I linked up with the KKK, best decision of my life."

At the time of this article Grok has posted 6,000 images of Hitler and wrote two books worth of text about the white genocide.

In an interview with Vanity Fair, Peterson described his vision, "it's going to be like Lord Of The Rings, but with tasteful scenes of nudity, the women will have no speaking roles". He went on, crying, "I want to see the radical left try and cancel this work of art when it titillates them so!"

Filming is expected to wrap up in October and a special screening of the work print will be shown to President Trump and disgraced former president of Brazil Jair Bolsonaro.

"Folks, very rude what they did to him, so we're gonna give Diddy a clean slate and let him get back to the studio to make some new albums. My good friend Kanye wants to work with him too, amazing stuff, no one has ever heard or seen music like this before, in well, quite frankly, the history of our country". Trump told CNN en route to the White House.

(CNN) NEW YORK CITY, New York - What started as a night of lighthearted fun with vodka and tiramisu and 7 pounds of shrimp for actor James Gandolfini has turned into a nightmare for the Sopranos actor, as Andrew Cuomo, older brother of Adam Friendland Show guest Chris Cuomo, burst into the private dinner rail car Gandolfini was enjoying his meal in with a loaded automatic weapon.

"The Skorpion in Black Ops is bad ass, that's why I used it" Responded Cuomo when asked why he was holding Gandolfini at gun point. "Oh, you meant the hostage thing. I have 2 demands: I want the Office of Mayor of the greatest city in the world, and I need a long legged young intern with feet to match" Cuomo then bashed the head of the mafia Soprano crime family in the head with butt of his rifle, stating "I will put a bullet in this pasta fizolis body every hour my demands aren't met". Gandolfini, in a video to prove he was still alive that was sent to the family, reportedly asked for a safe way to resolve the situation and a refill of his shrimp cocktail.

Dwarf Swamp Planet XX00-14BN ALPHA:

Grand Shaman of the Pain Tribe welcomed the news of the dark lord's wedding with a ritual human sacrifice to the great maw of Xo'torr The Thousand Fangs.

"We're all really happy. It's been yearsss sssince his lord blasted off for earth to conquer it and he'sss doing just that. My youngest brood really looksss up to him"

"It's just not like him, someone who doesn't drink, to suddenly break bad and pick up the bottle" senior advisor Dan Bongos said to Axios.

A drunk Mr. Trump was spotted on the south lawn of the White House in his underwear.

"Folks, folks, Israel and Iran, we can't stand them, they STINK!" "I hate them, I want them gone, GONE." Trump muttered to reporters in-between bouts of vomiting and tripping over vodka bottles.

Axois has just learned that Trump is checking into a rehab in upstate New York for a sixth month program. JD Vance has assured the public he will assume the role of president and end the conflict.

"And I never had sex with a couch, okay, it's a lie." He added.

In the heated exchange with reporters who were pushing back on Trump's brash airstrikes on Iran the president lashed out at CNN's Kaitlan Collins: "Me, I'm the guy who gets invited to the Hotel Parties he [Diddy] had. You? No, no one invites you. I've been to hundreds of Freak Offs, Freak Offs like you wouldn't believe, tremendous what they did with the baby oil - and you're just fake news. Good bye! Bye bye!"

Mr. Trump stormed out of the situation room and didn't take questions from reporters who were stunned by the bombshell.