this post was submitted on 19 Oct 2023

106 points (99.1% liked)

chapotraphouse

13907 readers

786 users here now

Banned? DM Wmill to appeal.

No anti-nautilism posts. See: Eco-fascism Primer

Slop posts go in c/slop. Don't post low-hanging fruit here.

founded 4 years ago

MODERATORS

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

[email protected]

106

Dating apps are so fucking cursed (hexbear.net)

submitted 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

103 comments fedilink hide all child comments

Isn't the entire point of the profile and matching system to filter incompatible people out? Why can I match with 50 people and not a single one wants to get a coffee or something after exchanging a few pleasantries? Everybody hates these things and yet they refuse to do anything IRL to get off them. Is there some Manchurian candidate activation codeword that I'm missing? I feel like everyone treats this shit solely as an ego booster and actually gets pissed off that anyone tries to interact with them. How do you meet people in hellworld if you don't drink?

Me after dozens of dead-end back-and-forths that lead to nowhere despite having shared interests and presumably being attracted to each other since we matched: marx-joker

Hmm, maybe it's the extreme commodification of relationships and atomization under capitalism that prevents you from getting anywhere with this garbage thinkin-lenin

Nope, must be because @[email protected] didn't say my favorite "The Office" quote and send me a playlist with 50 of the greatest songs I've never heard that made me instantly fall in love with them. I have no idea what other people expect from these things but I'm not doing labor for someone that I don't even know is real. Thanks for reading my rant, any advice is appreciated.

(page 2) 50 comments

sorted by: hot top controversial new old

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 years ago

Isn't the entire point of the profile and matching system to filter incompatible people out?

They are a business and they have investors; their job is to keep you swiping right and left, not to get you a match, a date, let alone laid.

I feel like everyone treats this shit solely as an ego booster and actually gets pissed off that anyone tries to interact with them

For most people, this is basically it. You get on Tinder to see how hot you are, but you are really just fucking your friends friends, or going to bars or parties, or hilariously enough, fucking your coworkers.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Dating apps have undergone enshittification just as much as any other social media platform. Even the ones that started with relatively good intentions and helpful mechanisms have, as they've dialed in toward profitability, made it harder and harder to actually discharge their supposed purpose. They're designed not just to keep you on the hook, but to entice you toward paying for premium features. I had some success on really niche online dating platforms back in the early 2010s, but all the ones that were actually good for meeting people have gone under in the last decade. The ones that are still here are, by definition, the ones that are making enough money to stick around; they don't do that by getting people off the platform.

As most other people here have said, the best way to meet people (either friends or romantic partners) is to volunteer or actively participate in an IRL hobby. Those are good because anyone you meet doing those things is someone you are guaranteed to have something meaningful in common with. Get involved with stuff you're passionate about. I know that's easier said than done for a lot of people, but I really do think pretty much everyone is much more likely to find success doing that than scrolling Tinder. I met my wife volunteering for an org that we both care about deeply, and it served as both a litmus test for character (we both knew that someone involved in this org had to at least have some redeeming qualities) and an immediate bonding point.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 2 years ago (4 children)

Get involved with stuff you're passionate about.

That's the thing though. I'm just not passionate about anything.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 years ago (1 children)

that can be a symptom of clinical depression
if it's possible for you, it might be worth getting checked
untreated depression is very much not good

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago

Second this. You'll be much more likely to find and make good relationships if you're in a decent place mentally. It isn't possible for everyone to deal with stuff like this because we live in Hell world, but if you can, it might be something worth exploring.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Do things that you're not passionate about. Passions develop later. I've done things on a whim that only later turned into life-long loves.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago (1 children)

then explore hobbies until you find something you're interested in

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (2 children)

Just tell that person to put on a hobby helmet and climb into a hobby cannon and launch themself into HobbyLand. smuglord

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 years ago (1 children)

If I could redefine the way social alienation works don't you think I already would have

if you want to have a social support system you need a thing you do that gives you the opportunity to meet people it could be cricket, religion, slam poetry etc

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

Sure, sure.

But telling someone that is having a hard time doing (the thing) to just (do the thing) isn't really a start and is hardly workable encouragement to get there.

Most hobbies have an up-front cost, too, and a lot of people don't have much disposable income, if any at all. At the least you could narrow it down with those material conditions in mind and give them something to work with other than "just (do the thing)."

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago (5 children)

I agree it isn't easy but it is simple. Social interaction becomes less daunting with practice so the only cure I know for being too nervous to put yourself out there is to do it anyway. It's like how regular exercise can help with depression but depressed people find it really hard to do regular exercise

they know their own budget, local area, and schedule better than I do

load more comments (5 replies)

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

Yeah though? Some hobbies might have a high cost of entry, but a lot you can start for basically nothing. You've just gotta fire that cannon until you hit something that works.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I have hobbies and I have lots of friends from those hobbies.

It's still not helpful to just say effectively "git gud" at someone that doesn't even know what they'd enjoy to begin with.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (8 children)

Their response to 'I have no passions' was basically 'then find some by exposure'. I think it's fair advice to people who think you need to follow a "calling" or something before you do something new. In my experience, I found passions through doing things, rather than doing things I was already passionate about, because like OP I didn't have any to start with. Probably not universal advice but it worked for me.

I guess more practically my advice would be to never say no to offers to do something (within fair limits obviously). No matter how much something sounds unfun or you're not in the mood, if someone invites you, go and try it once. I've had some very good and very bad experiences doing this, but all were valuable.

load more comments (8 replies)

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

You're here, so you're likely passionate about leftism to some degree or another. Have you thought about volunteering around that? I know it's a hard barrier to overcome, especially if you're introverted, but it's pretty rewarding in a number of different ways.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Yeah I am, not sure where to look for orgs though. I'd definitely feel awkward though, especially since my family is so conservative. I guess it wouldnt necessarily have to be a political group though.

load more comments (1 replies)

[–] [email protected] 7 points 2 years ago

Honestly, it’s a numbers game- meaning you have to commit to it for an extended period of time and weave through all the awful matches before you finally hit it off with someone worth meeting up with

But +1 to all these other comments, online dating hasn’t always been this hard. Enshitification and endless commodification of everything and all that

[–] [email protected] 4 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

Why can I match with 50 people and not a single one wants to get a coffee or something after exchanging a few pleasantries?

I would say that roughly half my matches never respond, and of the remainder 70% goes out with me after a day or two of making light conversation. I'm not pretending to like the Office or whatever either; my bio says I'm a leftist* / hobbies are XYZ / etc. What you see is what you get. I get very few matches but they are cautiously interested in me. However, I am a neurotypical guy, and I also do the legwork of suggesting a cute coffee/dessert shop in a convenient location for her. If you have gotten 50 matches they may be less interested in you individually to start with, or your conversation is putting people off. If you are consistently striking out at the small-talk stage, and you want to meet people through apps, you might want to show an honest friend some of your conversations and see if they think you're coming across weirdly.

But yeah dating apps suck, dating in general kind of sucks, meeting people in general kind of sucks. Try not to take it too personally.

*"communist" scares people. c'est la vie 🙄

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I'm definitely coming across weirdly because I'm looking for queer leftists. Looking for someone queer alone is a huge struggle where I am unless I want to travel 50 miles to the nearest big city and many of the queer people are very lib. I've already given up on straight cis people because enby (AMAB) and anyway every woman in a 20 mile radius is either a hyperchud, antivax hippie, or girlboss neolib who wants a REAL MAN, which I'm not. There's one person who seems genuinely interested but (if they're not making an excuse) had some real shit happen recently and cancelled so we'll see.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 2 years ago

I think you might want to put "looking for other queer leftists" in your bio. If you do the filtering before they match with you, you don't have to waste as much time. By coming across weirdly I just mean giving strange vibes in DMs after matching, sounds like your profile is fine if you're getting matches.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I got off those horrid apps when I realized that they were worse than social media. Which I've completely done my best to separate from.

After years of therapy I came to the conclusion that dating apps had to go much like my porn consumption (a habit I kicked years ago)

But it seems that's just how everyone meets nowadays, I'm 30 now and I'm starting to accept that just maybe this is my life from now on.

My mom really wants me to find someone to the point she will pressure almost anyone on me, but in my dating I've always lost them once we touch the topics of politics....

I'm starting to prepare my life to accept being alone

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago (1 children)

but in my dating I've always lost them once we touch the topics of politics....

You've really gotta ease into these things. If you're basically a stranger and start chatting about radical ideas, they're probably just gonna shut you down and leave. If they know you and trust that you're otherwise a good person, they're far more likely to listen and actually consider your position. We should be open about our politics but that doesn't mean you need to go in all guns blazing.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Trust me I don't bring it up at all but sometimes they just want to bring up a hot button topic and honestly I'd rather just be myself now.... If speaking for humanity is wrong or comes off too strong then so be it. At least you got the real me and not some fake me.

For a long moment I felt like I had to show myself out for somebody to take an interest. At my age, I just kind of feel like if you don't like me as I am. I like the peace and quiet sometimes even when it gets lonely. Theres gotta be someone there but I'm not doing dating apps... I absolutely hate that environment it's not ADHD friendly

load more comments